Heart's Desire

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  "I want Castlemaine General to be the greatest hospital in this part of the country, and I mean to make it happen. Why should just the Dublin hospitals have all the fancy equipment, and patients be forced to travel miles away from their own homes to get the best care possible? I'm going to put Castlemaine General on the map, not just in Ireland, but in the world."

  She had forced herself to pull her violet gaze away from his perfect face and stare at her food instead, so enthralled was she with the awesome presence of this passionate man. He was so different from Luke in every way, it was a breathtaking burst of fresh air to spend time with him.

  Luke had come from a wealthy family, and had been completely spoilt. With his background and money and medical talents, Luke could have done a great deal for Castlemaine General, but had chosen instead to take his expertise to Dublin and London to further his own ambitions. Austin's ambitions were all based on helping other people so far as she could see at first glance. He certainly didn't seem to be the beast she had heard all the men complaining about.

  After the wonderful lunch they had shared, Sinead had driven them to the supermarket. She had felt oddly domestic as they took turns pushing the trolley, reading the nutritional content on the labels, choosing meat and vegetables, and turning up their nose at all the foods they disliked as they wheeled past. They had laughed and joked, and Sinead threatened him with prunes and spinach if he didn't behave himself. Austin kept insisting that she get things she liked, and placed the most enormous box of chocolates in the trolley.

  "Austin, you shouldn't really have those in the house. I know you need some Coke and energy bars in case you get out of balance, but you shouldn't have so many tempting sweets around," Sinead had cautioned.

  "They're not for me, but a certain special nurse who's given up her vacation in order to help me." Austin had smiled down at her almost fondly.

  Sinead had blushed in confusion at his thoughtfulness. A large basket of fruit and several bunches of flowers also went into the cart, though she protested that he didn't need to worry about her, and that he was being far too kind.

  "Nonsense. Presents give the giver pleasure too. You wouldn't say no to something that gives me pleasure, would you, my dear?"

  Sinead could sense a change in his voice, and again she blushed furiously at the suggestion implicit in his words. But oddly she did not feel threatened. Secretly, she was enjoying having the attention of a man as handsome and intelligent as Austin Riordan lavished on her. She repeatedly warned herself that she was there to take care of him, not get involved with him. But it was like a moth being irresistibly drawn to a warm glowing flame of passion and vibrancy.

  Now in the car as they headed towards his house, Austin talked about all the things they could do together to pass the time. There was a riding stable nearby, and a small lake that might be frozen over for ice skating. The weather seemed to worsen as they drove on, and a few fluffy flakes of snow landed on the windscreen.

  "Would you like to drive, Mr. Riordan?" Sinead suggested. "It's just that the weather is awful now, and I'm afraid I might damage your car. And of course, I don't know the way."

  "I'm sorry, I should have offered to share the driving earlier. Yes, all right. We still have a distance to go, up a few winding roads, and it will give you a chance to look out at the countryside."

  Sinead pulled over to the side of the road, and they switched places. Sinead tucked herself into the passenger's seat, and looked out at the lovely rolling hills. As they neared the Killyfassy Forest, she smiled with delight. It looked like a magical wood from a fairy tale, the trees covered with a fine dusting of snow.

  "Have you ever been up here before?"

  "Once or twice, years ago, with my parents and sister," Sinead said, "but I don't remember ever seeing it in the winter. It's lovely."

  "I know it's a bit far from Castlemaine, but I wanted to build my own dream house in a dream setting. I suppose the only thing lacking now is the fairy princess, but I'm working on it." Austin smiled at her.

  Sinead felt as though she had been hit in the stomach. She experienced two totally incompatible feelings, desire and anger. Once again, her conscience told her she had to protect herself from her growing feelings for Austin Riordan. She thought cynically that Margaret Knight couldn't be less like a fairy princess. But she knew that sexual obsession often clouded a man's judgment. After all, so many marriages ended in divorce, once the first blush of excitement wore off. She felt resentful that Austin could be so taken with someone as shallow, transparent, and spiteful as Margaret.

  But, Sinead reminded herself, it was none of her business. She recalled sadly that Margaret had outclassed her once, and would easily do so again. Sinead wished desperately that she were seductive and alluring. But there was much more to her life than preying on men for whatever she could get. Margaret obviously went for successful men, and Luke and now Austin were not really lovers, but her unwitting victims.

  Austin's voice pulled her out of her reverie. "What's the matter, Sinead? Did I say something wrong?"

  She forced herself to smile. She knew she looked strained, so much so that Austin reached out to touch her in an attempt to re-establish their rapport.

  As the warm fingers closed around her small shaking hand, Sinead shook her head and denied, "No, nothing, I just thought I saw something in the woods."

  Austin lifted one eyebrow as if he doubted her word, but merely said, "There are deer here. It would be nice to see one, wouldn't it?" He squeezed her hand briefly, and then put both hands back on the wheel as he leaned forward to peer out of the windscreen.

  The snow was getting heavier, and the wipers were not very effective. The interior of the car began to steam up, so Austin asked Sinead to get a cloth out of the compartment to wipe the moisture off. As she did so, a woman's lipstick tumbled out, and to her horror she saw what looked to be a pair of lacy panties inside as well.

  She cursed Margaret silently, and maintained an arctic silence despite Austin's attempts to restore their easy flow of conversation. She simply could not trust her voice. She concluded that it would be fruitless anyway.

  Austin was her employer, he was spoken for, and she reminded herself that she would be better off just getting used to the idea of being alone for the rest of her life.

  Austin could sense her withdrawal from him, and his sharp eyes spotted the lipstick near Sinead's foot. He ground his teeth in frustration, but decided it was best not to attempt any fence-mending until they got to the house. They drove on in complete silence, each lost in their own thoughts, and painfully conscious of the other's presence.

  Chapter Twelve

  "Look there, Sinead," Austin said suddenly. He pointed to a large light gray stone house amongst the trees. "That's my home, which I built myself last year."

  Sinead could not help but feel awed by the magnificence of the mansion, and the man who had designed and built it. "It's incredible. And so large!"

  "I've lived all my life in tiny terraced houses, or studios, or apartments. So when I finally had enough money to buy a house, I decided to build my dream home. I scoured the country for an ideal site. The woods, the stream, the waterfall, the hills, all seemed perfect."

  "It must have taken ages to design it, to get it just right," Sinead said with undisguised admiration.

  "Surprisingly, no. I've worked on lots of projects where I have had to wrack my brains for months on end. This came to me in a flash of inspiration, and the hard part was finding the right materials and furniture to carry it out."

  "I can't wait to see the inside." Sinead smiled in spite of herself. She had tried to maintain her reserve, but this thing of beauty created from Austin's imagination moved her. No matter how much she tried to prevent it, she was drawn to this complex and enigmatic man.

  The car pulled up to the vast oaken door of the house. After a few seconds Austin had it open and was already unloading the car. He led the way into the kitchen at the back of the house through the h
uge foyer. "I must apologise for the state of the place. I have a cleaning lady who comes in every so often, but I haven't seen what it looks like recently. I've been staying at the hospital for the past two weeks in the doctors' quarters, and then as a patient, of course."

  "No matter what it looked like, it would be magnificent," Sinead reassured him as she took in every detail with wide eyes.

  They made several more trips to the car, and then Austin drove the car into the three-car garage, while Sinead put on the kettle and made instant coffee.

  "Now, first things first," Austin said when he entered through the back door. "Here's a box, and I want you to go through the cupboards and put anything I shouldn't have in here. You can take the things home with you so they don't go to waste. I insist," Austin said firmly, as he flung open the cupboard doors.

  "All right, Mr. Riordan, but it will take me a while, so let's have coffee first. Then I'm afraid you'll need your injection."

  Austin pulled a wry face, and said, "Fine, but I'll only let you harpoon me on one condition."

  "What? But you need-"

  "I know, but it's one small request. That is to drop all this Mr. Riordan nonsense. If you don't mind, I shall call you Sinead, and you'll call me Austin."

  "Yes, Sir," Sinead replied with an impish smile.

  Austin shook his head and groaned. "God, that sounds even worse! Just Austin will do."

  They drank their coffee in the kitchen together companionably, and then she got to her feet. Sinead efficiently sorted through the cupboards, occasionally consulting him about how long some of the items had actually been in them. She eyed a few boxes and jars doubtfully, and inquired, "What do you think?"

  "Well, I moved in six months ago, so..." He shrugged.

  "Forget it!" Sinead exclaimed, and hurled the offensive objects into the bin. "You're going to have to look after yourself a bit more carefully from now on," she scolded, dusting the shelves and putting the new groceries on them, while Austin cleaned out the refrigerator and showed her where all the kitchen equipment was kept.

  Sinead could not fail to be impressed with the magnificent country-style kitchen, which had every modern convenience and was beautifully furnished with an antique table and chairs. A wooden hatch in one wall made the dining room next door more easily accessible. Peering through, Sinead could just make out in the dim light a sumptuous dining table and matching sideboard, which she was sure had to be hand-carved.

  They unpacked the last of the provisions together and Austin got several vases, into which he placed some water and all the flowers he had purchased. Then Sinead put her medical bag on the table, and said, "It's time now to take care of this. Can you find a special drawer to keep all your things in?"

  Austin emptied out a drawer near the sink while Sinead scrubbed her hands thoroughly before unpacking her bag. She put the vials of insulin in the refrigerator and Austin's other supplies and medication in neat piles in the drawer, along with his supply of syringes. Then she made him wash his hands and sit down at the table.

  "The meter is set to read track your levels, and show you what is normal, what isn't. Now, in terms of the insulin, this will seem a bit strange at first, and you'll probably be a bit nervous, so watch carefully. In a few days we'll let you try it yourself, when you're more confident," Sinead said.

  Sinead taught him how to fill the needle with the required dosage and how to prevent air bubbles. Austin watched attentively, but Sinead could see him frown, his handsome features looking closed and tight.

  "Did you follow all that?" she asked.

  She jumped as Austin hissed, "Just get on with it!"

  Sinead looked at him closely, but he avoided making eye contact. Then it dawned on her that he might be afraid of needles, as well as rather irritated to appear helpless in front of her.

  She sought to reassure him at once. "It'll seem less of an ordeal once you get used to it, but you must make sure you do it correctly. It's your life, and your responsibility to take care of yourself."

  "I know. I'm sorry I snapped at you. You're only trying to help. It's just so embarrassing." He looked her straight in the eyes now. "I hate needles."

  She smiled and nodded. "I know. I do too. You could have insulin through an inhaler, or an injectable pen, but to be perfectly honest, this method of mixing types of insulin is better for you to keep everything on an even keel. So if you could try?"

  "Of course I will. Just do it," he insisted as he rolled up his sleeve.

  Sinead took hold of the warm muscular arm, and tried to concentrate on the task in front of her. The contact was like a jolt of electricity, and she longed to stroke the silky black hairs on his tan forearm. She frowned at herself and sought the fleshy part of his upper arm, which she swabbed with alcohol. You can also use the leg, abdomen, or upper part of your buttock."

  "Great," he drawled with a grimace.

  "Are you ready?" she asked, looking down at his face. She saw his gleaming eyes gazing up at her, their expression unreadable.

  He nodded imperceptibly and she had to steady herself before reaching for the needle and administering the dose. Austin's arm remained rock-steady, but all the time she could feel the eyes upon her, Her heart hammered uncontrollably in her ears at the nearness of him.

  "There we are," she said briskly, when the silence and his gaze became too much for her. "You'll need one more before bedtime, but for now we're all finished. Just remember, about forty-five minutes before we eat, and the fast acting and intermediate acting insulin during the day, and the long-acting at night before you sleep."

  "I didn't upset or hurt you, did I?" she asked, as the silence grew.

  "Not at all," he responded, still looking up at her.

  Sinead felt powerless to move, but she knew she had to get away before he realised how much his closeness affected her. She hastily grabbed a few things from the table on the pretext of tidying them away. Once her back was to him, she felt she could trust herself to speak.

  "You need to eat within the time frame of the insulin. So I can start dinner now if you like," she offered.

  The silence continued a moment longer. "But you're my guest. Surely I should cook for you."

  "Nonsense. I'm your nurse. You pay me, so I should cook for you."

  A look of irritation crossed Austin's face.

  Sinead hastened to add, "Besides, I really like to cook. It's one of my few hobbies. I can't remember the last time I got to try out my handiwork on a new audience."

  "Well, I guess with your busy schedule, you don't get much chance to socialise, or have much energy to cook. Now that I think about it, you're probably the only person who's ever been here for a meal. You're certainly the only one who's stayed the night."

  Sinead felt rather embarrassed by that remark, but curiously happy and reassured.

  "All right," Austin said at length, "you cook tonight, but you'll let me do some of the meals, won't you? I can cook simple breakfasts and lunches."

  Sinead agreed to this arrangement but reminded him, "So long as you remember that you have to eat on schedule, in conjunction with your insulin, while I have no such problem. My only problem is my weight. So if you don't mind, I won't always join you, or will make myself a salad or something light."

  "Agreed. But may I point out that from where I'm sitting, you have the perfect figure."

  Sinead thought wryly that compared to Margaret she was emaciated, but she bit back the sharp remark, and ignored the compliment.

  He gave her one last long look, then seemed to drag himself away. "Now, I have to sort through my mail and the answering machine. Will you be all right here on your own for a while?"

  "Yes of course. You've shown me everything I need. I'll hunt around for anything else if I want it."

  "Call me if you have any problems. Shall we eat in half an hour? Then you can have the guided tour, and we'll go up and fix your room."

  Sinead agreed, and sighed with relief as his massive frame disappeared. His close
ness was so intoxicating, and she had work to do. She found an apron and set to work, making a simple meal of salad, grilled steak, and jacket potatoes done in the microwave.

  When Austin returned he eyed the food hungrily. "It looks wonderful, and smells even better," he declared, sniffing around the cooker.

  "Good, I'm glad. Will you set the table, or are you busy?"

  "I'm not busy now, so I'll do the table, and I'll get a bottle of wine out of the pantry."

  "Not too much for you, you know, and I don't really drink, so don't go to any trouble on my account."

  "No trouble at all, Sinead." Austin smiled. "We'll have one glass each, and drink to new beginnings."

  He came back whistling after a few moments, and asked, "Would you like to eat here, or in the dining room?"