Mr Mouthful

by Ian O Lewis

  “How do you sleep with all this going on out here at night?” Serge asked.

  “Upstairs is different. I barely hear a thing, even when Sneaky has a band playing.” I blew on my tea then sipped it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you such a personal question in the car. You don’t have to answer it.”

  “You have every right to ask. Grant. To be honest, today was the first time I’ve thought of him in years, and it was only because Aunt Svetta mistook you for him. She didn’t do that on purpose, just…” He sighed and leaned back in the booth. “Grant was my boyfriend. We broke up, jeez, almost twenty years ago. You look nothing like him, so I’m wondering how she connected the two of you. I think it’s because I haven’t ever brought a guy to meet her before, well, since Grant that is. And she kinda mixes things up in her head.”

  I think I managed not to look surprised, but inside my head dozens of other questions ricocheted around thanks to his answer to the Grant question. Like, why was I the first guy he’d taken to visit his family in years? And, what exactly did this mean? I’d never dated much, not that I hadn’t had a few crushes along the way. But love always eluded me, and no one ever expressed interest. Was Serge actually interested? I knew this sounded crazy, but I had so little experience it was hard to figure out.

  “What are you thinking about? You look, I don’t know, kind of confused?” Serge held out his hand. It took me a second to realize he wanted me to hold it. I laid my palm on his and laced our fingers together. His hand was hot against mine, and he gave it a gentle squeeze. I grinned, bit my lip, then wondered if I should tell him the truth. It totally confused me about him, and his apparent interest in me. There was a lot for me to lose if we became involved. Not only was he my boss, but he was also becoming something more, but I was deathly afraid of overthinking it, of killing it by trying to describe it.

  “I had a wonderful time today. You are... an enigma. I don’t understand why you are here with me.” The last sentence came out in a whisper. I felt his fingers twitch in my hand. Serge opened his mouth to speak, stopped, then his words came out in a flurry.

  “Many years ago I learned that life is incredibly short and unpredictable. So, I spent most of my time trying to structure it, control it in a way that… I’m here with you, because I feel something when I’m with you I haven’t felt in a long time. When I moved to Richmond I decided I wouldn’t hide any more, wasn’t going to put off living in order to give myself a ridiculous illusion of safety.” He let go of my fingers and sipped his tea. “I’m with you, because I want to be. Because I find you very attractive, and…” Serge abruptly stood up and held out his hand. I grabbed it and he pulled me to my feet. Seconds later his arms were around my waist, pulling me close to him.

  “You are so damn hot. When I first saw you here, then heard you play your cello with that girl, Suzi, I felt a pull, a desire I hadn’t felt in so damn long. Then when I saw you in the orchestra, I knew I had to take a chance.” Serge whispered, his hot breath sending chills up and down my spine. His lips pressed softly against the skin under my ear, and his hands tightened their grip around my waist. For the first time since we’d met I didn’t have the protection of my cello being held between us, and my cock was instantly hard at his touch.

  “Serge, you are driving me crazy.” I moaned, feeling my knees buckle the slightest bit as his hands slid down my back and cupped my ass.

  “Not nearly as crazy as you are making me. Every damn afternoon at our rehearsals I wanted to lock the door and throw you over the piano bench, take you then and there.” He dragged his hands up my back, then I felt his fingers in my hair. “But I was afraid you didn’t feel the same.” Serge’s palms held my head on each side, his thumbs caressing my temples. “Do you, you know, feel the same?” He whispered.

  “God yes, it’s just so much to take in. You’re so…” I started, then his lips crashed down on mine. The nerves in my skin were shocked by the sudden assault, but then that feeling dissipated as his tongue licked my lips, wanting me to open my mouth for him. I opened my lips and his tongue dipped in. A guttural moan came from his chest as our kiss deepened, then I felt him walking me backwards, Serge’s lips never leaving mine. Moments later my back was pressed against the wall next to the staircase leading upstairs to my apartment.

  My fingers were entangled in his thick, dark hair, pulling and tugging as our tongues connected and danced around each other. Serge pressed hard against me and moaned, and I felt his erection pressing against my hip. He rocked as he kissed me, the friction of his hard cock pressed against mine leading me to a place I didn’t think was possible while still wearing clothes. Our hearts pounded together, and then a deep groan erupted from my throat, a sound I didn’t think I’d ever made before in my entire life.

  Where the fuck did Serge learn to kiss like that?

  His hands were suddenly pressed against the wall on either side of me while his chest and cock held me in place. When he abruptly broke off the kiss, I was breathless and stunned. Serge sucked on my lower lip, gently tugging on it before pulling his face away. My eyes snapped open, and I felt a ragged breath leave my body.

  “If I don’t leave right now, I won’t be able to control myself.” Serge moaned, then his lips crashed down on mine again. I wrapped my arms around his muscular shoulders and ran my fingers through his hair. I felt Serge’s legs trembling as he pressed his body flat against mine while his tongue explored my mouth. I didn’t want this kiss to ever end, wanted to feel his arms and his hard cock forever pressed against me in the heat of passion. Finally, Serge broke the kiss, pulled his face back a couple of inches and grinned.

  “I’m going to go now.” He pressed his lips against my cheek, then whispered in my ear. “You, oh my God, Joshua, never in my life have I wanted someone as badly as I want you now. But, I want to take things slow, get to know you more. Obviously the physical desire is there.” He pressed his hard cock against mine and we both groaned. “I want more than just a quick fuck, I want to know every inch of you, body and soul.”

  I placed my hand on his cheek, loving the thick stubble that felt like velvet sandpaper. I wanted to feel that stubble in between my thighs, then rubbing against my face as he kissed me again and again. My hand moved down his neck and feathered on to his shoulder. Then an odd feeling of panic struck me. I didn’t want him to leave. This might be the only chance I’d ever get to make love with him. He might wake up in the morning and realize he was, I didn’t know, not in his right mind or something for wanting me.

  “You don’t have to go.” I whispered. Serge took my hand, brought it to his lips and kissed the palm, then held it against his chest.

  “It’s tempting Joshua. There’s nothing I want more than to follow you up those stairs and... but not with you. I’ve had one-night stands and forgettable sex with men whose faces are now all a blur. Not with you, I refuse to do that.” His fingers briefly played with the hair on the back of my neck, and then he backed away.

  “Good night.”

  After Serge drove off, I cleaned up our mugs and was about to go upstairs to my place when I realized I was so damn frustrated that there was no way I’d be able to sleep. Instead, I walked through the side entrance to Sneaky’s and sat my ass on a barstool.

  “Howdy handsome!” I heard Sneaky’s voice behind me, then felt her arm drape over my shoulder. “What are you doing here on a Sunday night? Don’t you have work in the morning?”

  “I don’t have rehearsal until one, and considering the day I’ve had, I thought a strong shot of something might help me sleep. Are you working?” I asked. She had her backpack in hand, so I figured she might be done for the night.

  “Nope, I just finished up my work and was about to head home.” She held out her arm. “If you twist this, I might stay for a drink.” I smiled and patted the seat beside me. She ordered us a round from the bartender who must’ve been new, because I didn’t recognize him. We tossed our shots back, then she waved at him for two more before h
er interrogation began.

  “So what happened on your date with the Russian stud muffin?”

  I put my head in my hands and groaned.

  “That bad, huh?” She rubbed my back and then her hand stopped. “What’s that on your neck?”

  “Huh? What do you mean?”

  “That spot, oh my God, you have a hickey.” She laughed. “Guess your date didn’t go badly at all.”

  “I can’t have a hickey! Shit.”

  Sneaky fished a compact out of her backpack and with a wicked grin on her face she opened it up and pointed out the bruise.

  “Damn it. How the hell will I be able to face Onnie Belle tomorrow with this thing on my neck. She’ll give me the third degree and I’ll have to lie to her about Serge.”

  “Who the hell is Onnie Belle? And sheesh, what a name!” Sneaky laughed.

  “She sits next to me in the orchestra. Onnie Belle is a gossipy southern woman who might have jealousy issues when it comes to other musicians. If she knows Serge gave me this, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

  “So how did it go? Oh, and damn that man is fine.” Sneaky tossed back her tequila and bit into a lime wedge.

  “It’s confusing as fuck. He was the polar opposite of the way everyone thinks he is. You know, he’s not such a mean asshole after all. I think it’s all an act.” I slid my shot glass in her direction. One shot was enough for me.

  I told Sneaky about our day, starting with the visit to his aunt and then our sultry goodbye next door at the coffee shop. By the time I was through her eyes were like saucers.

  “Your boss sounds like, I don’t know, like a character in a novel, you know, the tortured artist or something.”

  “What I don’t get is why he was so nervous. Serge has to be one of the best-looking men I’ve ever seen. Why he wants someone like me is baffling. He shouldn’t have a problem getting anyone he wants, but I’d swear to you he was a bundle of nerves. His legs were always bouncing up and down, and I could feel him trembling when we were, well, you know.” I snatched the shot glass I’d put in front of her back and tossed it down, grimacing at the horrible taste. Hated tequila, but my nerves were shattered.

  “Why do you keep putting yourself down, Josh? I mean, you actually are a really handsome guy. You need to stop that.” Sneaky said, then she put her arm around my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

  “Serge just walked in. Can’t get enough of you, huh?”

  14

  Serge

  By the time I parked in front of my building I was second guessing myself. I wanted to do the right thing by Joshua, and for me too. Hopping into bed with a stranger had always been the easy way to take care of my needs, but there was nothing easy about Joshua. He deserved more.

  When I got out of the car I hesitated. I’d left him in the coffee shop to put a little distance between us, emotionally and physically. I thought I needed the space, to figure out if what I was feeling was real or not. But maybe I was wrong to do that. So many years of isolating myself from other men, and from relationships and love had done a real number on my head. When I moved to Richmond, I’d made the conscious choice to allow myself to feel again, to embrace whatever life threw at me instead of locking myself up in my apartment night after night to avoid the human race.

  Was I blowing my chance with Joshua, because it was more comfortable mentally to go home and pretend that I was doing the mature thing by not sleeping with him? I’d been hiding away from the world for years now, and it was damn easy to do.

  When I approached the steps to my apartment building, instead of climbing them my feet kept walking down the sidewalk. I ended up at the end of the street sitting in a gazebo in a tiny park overlooking the James River. The moon was full, and its light shone bright both from overhead and from the river itself which reflected the moonlight up. I leaned back against the wooden bench and sighed.

  “What are you so afraid of?” I mumbled. Thoughts of my mother and aunt immediately came to mind. I looked down at my hands, examining them for what seemed like the hundred thousandth time for any signs of trembling. What provoked my fear the most was that over the last few years they had started to shake a bit. Sometimes the only relief came when I played the piano. Pressing down on the keys seemed to calm my fingers, and I’d briefly forget why I was so anxious in the first place.

  “You said it yourself to Joshua. Life is short, and you’re being stupid by running away from what you really want.” I whispered, then placed my face in my hands and took a few deep breaths. “But what if he finds out? Shit, what if he leaves me the way Grant did?”

  I stood up and leaned against the railing and studied the swirling waters of the rapids, twisting and turning in the silvery light. It was soothing, the sound of the water as it raced between the huge rocks that dotted the riverbed.

  “Maybe you need to finally get it over with. How the hell can you plan for the future when you have no fucking clue what’s in store?”

  I left the gazebo and walked back toward the apartments, all the while replaying the same damn argument in my head I’d been having for years. Did I get tested or not? Did I finally give myself the peace of mind of knowing what was potentially in store for me, or keep pretending that there’s nothing wrong while I hid away from the world?

  When I got to the steps of my building my feet walked past them, then made a right onto Laurel Street and kept going. With each block my pace increased. The beautiful evening had my neighbors out on their porches, many of them playing guitars and singing softly under the stars. Any other night I would have strolled on by, loving the simple music being played, but all I could think about was one incredibly handsome man. I yearned for Joshua, and that intense feeling had triggered a domino effect inside me. Now I was yearning for more than his touch. I was yearning for life itself, the life I’d spent the last two decades hiding from. I wanted to experience what it could be like to wake up with the one you loved, to laugh and cry over the silliness of existence. Sharing, that was what I wanted, because each moment I spent alone was starting to feel selfish, and not in a healthy way.

  Fuck Fear.

  I was a block from Cary Street before I knew where I was heading. My left arm felt tight, and I could feel my pulse racing. Not for the first time did the fear of a heart attack pass through me, but I suspected that today it was the fear of something else that was taking control of my heart.

  The coffee shop was dark, and so were the windows of the apartment upstairs. Next door at the bar it was lively, the sounds of music and laughter spilling out onto the sidewalk whenever the front door opened to let someone in or out. I didn’t know how long I stood there, leaning against a straggly tree gazing up at Joshua’s apartment. My fingers itched to call or text him, beg him to come downstairs, or let me go up. I fished my phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen.

  “The worst thing that can happen is he tells you no.”

  I unlocked the screen and was about to message him when that crazy fear ripped through me again.

  “Jesus, Serge.” I muttered as I pushed the phone back into my coat pocket. “Fuck this.”

  I spun around and walked back to Laurel Street, then I realized I’d have a bitch of a time getting to sleep. I just wanted a drink, that’s all. Oh, but what happened if my neighbor was there, Joshua’s friend Sneaky. What if she told him I came in and got drunk? That I didn’t want to talk to her? Shit, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, just wanted to drink enough to make sleep come easier.

  Instead of heading home I took a deep breath and pushed open the door to the bar. It was busy, with what looked like a bunch of students having one last weekend party before school started again the next morning. That strange tight feeling in my left arm started again, and I could feel my head jerk slightly as I scanned the bar for an empty stool.

  “Serge!”

  A woman’s voice called my name. Shit, I should have just gone home, thrown on some headphones and music and waited for the sun to come up like
I normally did when I couldn’t sleep. I was halfway down the aisle when I saw her, and him. I froze in place for a beat, then kept walking in their direction. God, Joshua was staring at me with that wide open innocence that drove me wild. Did he even have a clue that the mere sight of him made my heart race?

  “What are you doing here?” Joshua asked, then he looked down at the empty glass in front of him. Sneaky stood up and gestured for me to take her stool.

  “No, I can stand.” I said, but then she picked up her backpack from the floor and slung it over her shoulder.

  “I was just about to leave, anyway. Here, take my seat before one of these kids does.” Sneaky pecked Joshua on the cheek and took off before I could thank her. I sat on the bar stool and leaned into Joshua. I wanted to run my fingers through his thick red hair, turn his head so I could stare into his eyes. Then I remembered he’d asked me a question.

  “When I got home, I didn’t even go inside the building. You know that gazebo in the park that overlooks the James?” I asked. Joshua nodded his head. “I sat inside it and stared at the river and at the moon. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep, so I went for a walk, and then suddenly I was on the sidewalk staring up at your apartment.”

  Shit, I’d probably just said too much. I felt my cheeks burning. He’d think I was a stalker or something.

  “How did you know I’d be in here?”

  “I didn’t. I had a feeling I’d have a hard time getting to sleep, so I thought I’d grab a drink and then walk back home.” I pressed my leg against his. “I debated over whether I should text you to let you know I was outside, but it looked like all of your lights were off, so I figured you’d gone to bed.” What I didn’t say was that seeing Joshua would probably make it even tougher to get to sleep. I waved at the bartender.

  “Can I get a…”

  “You both have unlimited shots and beers coming your way. Boss’s orders.” The bartender slid our drinks in front of us and sauntered off.