What About Will

by Ellen Hopkins

  Also by Ellen Hopkins

  Closer to Nowhere

  For older readers

  Crank

  Burned

  Impulse

  Glass

  Identical

  Tricks

  Fallout

  Perfect

  Tilt

  Smoke

  Traffick

  Rumble

  The You I’ve Never Known

  People Kill People

  G. P. Putnam’s Sons

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York

  Copyright © 2021 by Ellen Hopkins

  Excerpt from Closer to Nowhere © 2020 by Ellen Hopkins

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.

  G. P. Putnam’s Sons is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

  Visit us online at penguinrandomhouse.com

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  Ebook ISBN 9780593108659

  Cover art copyright 2021 by James Firnhaber

  Design by Eileen Savage, adapted for ebook by Michelle Quintero

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  pid_prh_5.8.0_c0_r0

  For everyone who has lost someone they love.

  I hope you were able to find them again.

  If you haven’t, keep looking.

  Contents

  Cover

  Also by Ellen Hopkins

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  My Big Brother

  Check It Out

  Luckily

  See, Will Used to Play Football

  I’ll Never Forget It

  I Don’t Know

  Heavy-Duty Whispering

  He Gave Will Drugs

  Imagine

  I Mean, I Get It

  Will Would Understand

  Eavesdropping Is Bad

  I Wish I’d Fixed That

  His Anti-Aggression Pill Wasn’t Working

  I Don’t Joke with Will

  But Now Nothing’s the Same

  Will Has New Friends

  It’s Spring Break

  This Pause Is Longer

  No Time

  Pedaling My Bike

  Everyone Stares

  Bram Snorts

  I Might Be Better

  I’m So Busy

  Bram’s PUs

  Yeah, I Get It

  Some People

  Will Isn’t Here

  But I Won’t Bug Anyone

  I Sprint

  I Reverse a Little

  Just Like That

  I Call Bram

  I’m Still Thinking That Over

  By the Time

  The Lady

  Lily Smiles

  No One Says Much

  I Don’t Want to Lie

  It’s a Duh Question

  Like Always

  Doesn’t Matter

  It’s Hard

  Dad Kisses Her

  Dad Takes a Deep Breath

  It’s Almost Eleven

  The Question Floats

  Way in Back

  I Put the Magazines Away

  I’m Slipping Toward Sleep

  I Slip Out

  Everything Is Not Jake

  Despite Tossing and Turning

  I’m Not Sure

  That Sounds

  Late Morning

  I’m Halfway

  She Wants to Go

  Don’t Forget

  Saturday Rolls Around

  But Nope

  And So

  He’s Quiet So Long

  Mostly Because

  We Arrive

  Cat Comes to the Plate

  They Finally Show

  I Pitch

  As Everyone Leaves

  Cat’s Cool

  Cat’s Dad

  Too Many Puzzles

  What Are the Odds?

  Dad Takes Lily Home

  Lily Points

  Should I Confess

  Lily’s a Super Cook

  Sunday Morning, I Sleep In

  I Give Him the Details

  Guess I’m Good With That

  It’s Good

  Don’t Worry

  Okay, It Does Mean

  Bram Comes out the Door

  She’s Steady

  The Bell Rings

  After School

  I’m the Last Kid

  We Head That Direction

  Still, There’s Something

  I Wait for Will

  I Shove a French Fry

  We Toss Our Trash

  He Looks Down

  Fists Raised

  You Can’t Turn Off Love

  Will and I Don’t Talk Much

  I Thought

  Back to the Routine

  The Research Is Interesting

  Last Class

  Hearing Her Sing

  Will Doesn’t Wait

  I’ve Never Had a Friend

  Will Pulls Up

  Sunday

  No Wonder

  Batting Practice

  No-Brainer

  But Bram Says

  Her Words Sink In

  Home Again

  Sure, Rub It In

  I Should Go Do My Homework

  I Start to Get Up

  Will’s Home

  His Story

  I’m Working

  Pawnshops

  So Much for My Myth

  Hold On

  I Don’t Expect

  Lake Tahoe

  Wait

  Suddenly, I Need to Play

  Halfway

  Okay, So He’s Right

  My Head

  I’m Mostly Amused

  On My Way to Lunch

  Cat Sees Me

  She Digs

  But She Is Nice

  We’re Finishing Lunch

  I Think I’m Glad

  He Does

  Will Either Drives

  Good Thing

  Cautiously

  Oh, Man

  Fact Check

  I Really Want

  Later On

  I Can Play This

  By Friday

  Dad Picks Me Up

  Desert Sky Retirement Village

  I Learn All About Clara

  There’s Another Surprise

  They’re Tuned In

  My Mouth Falls Open

  I’ve Lost My Appetite

  I Jump In

  Will Pretends to Pick

  No Way!

  Lukewarm

  After Dessert

  That Makes Me Think

  As Soon as the Words

 
; But It’s the New Will

  I Want to Yell

  Instead

  Problem Is

  But Coach Tom

  Whoa

  Thanks to Will

  Mr. Cobb

  We Exit

  Home Again

  Dad Lets Me Choose

  I’m Starting to Think

  But the Reason

  You Can Buy

  Which Leads To

  It’s Gray Outside

  After an Hour or So

  I Learned That

  That Made Me Sad Then

  The Rain Starts to Fall Harder

  I Don’t Get Sick

  At Home

  What Really Worries Me

  But Even

  The Night Before

  To Beat the Heat

  Hopefully

  Dad Drops Me Off

  I Join My Classmates

  It’s a Great Day

  As We Follow

  I Kind of Walk on Air

  I Shake My Brother

  We Leave the Front Door Open

  I Never Thought of That

  He Stays With Me

  He Could Still Die

  Right Before We Ate

  Pretty Sure

  Mr. Cobb Clears His Throat

  Somehow

  Will Hangs On

  Lily Picks Me Up

  Cool

  It’s Wednesday

  No Clue

  This Range Rover

  I Always Believed

  But That Doesn’t Mean

  People Like the Vampire

  I Trail Will to His Room

  That Will Take Time

  Will Goes to His Closet

  Dad Comes In

  Dad and I

  As We Close the Door

  It’s Sunday Afternoon

  I Take My Schoolbooks

  I’m Glad

  Mom Isn’t Coming Back

  Bottom of the Ninth

  Dad Knows

  Author’s Note

  More from Ellen Hopkins

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  My Big Brother

  Always

  had a

  short

  fuse

  but now

  it’s permanently lit.

  Okay, it was never

  hard to set Will off.

  It used to be a game

  I played, mostly

  just for kicks.

  It was funny, watching

  the blood throb

  in his temples.

  But sometimes,

  when trouble

  was staring at me

  and I wanted to aim

  it in a different direction,

  I’d rile Will up

  until he blew.

  Then, when Mom

  or Dad started griping

  about my behavior,

  I’d point at my brother,

  all red-faced and cussing,

  and ask, “What about Will?”

  I never thought

  I’d get sick

  of that question.

  Check It Out

  It’s been a long time

  since I’ve said it straight

  to my brother’s face,

  but I love him, wicked

  bad temper and all.

  We used to be best-

  friend brothers.

  Will’s seventeen, which

  makes him five years

  older, and I’ve always

  looked up to him.

  Mostly because

  he never looked

  down on me.

  When I was like

  four, and most other

  kids still rode tricycles,

  Will took the training wheels

  off my little blue bike

  and taught me to ride it.

  You can’t keep up on four

  wheels, Trace, he said.

  Even on two, it took a while,

  but eventually, I did.

  At least, I came close.

  Will also helped me

  learn how to

  Rollerblade

  skateboard

  and, best of all, snowboard.

  My first time on the slopes,

  I guess I was six.

  Mom took Will and me.

  Dad stayed home.

  I remember he said

  he had to work, but later

  I found out he’s not

  real big on cold weather.

  Why do you think we live

  in the desert? he asked.

  If I wanted to be miserable,

  I’d move back to Minnesota.

  Sometimes I can’t believe

  I’m related to him, even though

  I’ve got his curly brown hair

  and gold-speckled eyes.

  But I loved snow the minute

  I saw it, all crisp and sparkly,

  like quartz crystals in the sun.

  As for the cold, that’s why

  they invented jackets.

  Luckily

  I’m also related to Mom,

  who grew up in Colorado,

  learned to ski young,

  and says snow is cold vanilla

  frosting on the mountaintops.

  She drove Will and me

  all the way from Las Vegas

  to Mammoth Mountain,

  paid for passes, equipment,

  two beginner lessons for me.

  Will had been there with her

  a few times before, and like

  everything sports, he had a real

  talent for snowboarding.

  He made it look easy.

  It wasn’t. I thought it would

  be just like skateboarding.

  It is, sort of, but it’s different,

  too. Just figuring out

  the boots and bindings

  took a while.

  That’s what lessons

  are for, Mom said.

  When I finished them,

  I could pretty much make it

  down the easiest runs

  without falling.

  Will volunteered

  to stick with me

  and offer a few tips

  while Mom skied.

  Once he knew

  I’d nailed the basics,

  he took a few harder runs

  on his own.

  But he kept checking

  in, making sure

  I didn’t nose-dive

  into a drift or surf

  off beginner slopes

  into the rough parts.

  Will watched out for me.

  Now

  I have to

  watch out for him.

  Last Christmas, I asked

  Mom if maybe we could spend

  a day out on the mountain

  before winter was over.

  Her eyes went all sad

  and her shoulders sagged.

  I wish we could.

  But what about Will?

  See, Will Used to Play Football

  He started in Pop Warner

  when I still wore diapers,

  not that I remember

  way back then, but

  I heard about it

  plenty of times.

  It was one of the things

  our parents argued about.

  Not the diapers.

  At least,

  I don’t think so.

 
; But definitely the football.

  Mom worried

  about injuries.

  Dad insisted

  they were rare

  and every kid

  needed a sport.

  Mom reminded

  him Will bladed

  and boarded.

  Dad said he meant

  team sports.

  Mom and Dad argued

  a lot before she left.

  That time, Dad won.

  I wonder if he’s sorry now.

  Will played

  every game

  every season.

  He was good.

  Quick.

  Sure-handed.

  Fearless.

  A reliable receiver

  who could pull double

  duty as a defensive end.

  That made him a target.

  Over the years,

  Will took a lot of hits.

  Most of them didn’t seem

  like much. Still,

  A small bump here,

  a little bang there.

  Those can add up,

  his doctor said.

  But it was the big one

  that knocked him out

  of the game forever.

  If I could just fix that,

  everything would be okay.

  But I can’t. It’s unfixable.

  I’ll Never Forget It

  And neither will anyone else

  who was there that night.

  It was the last JV game

  of the season, and Will wanted

  to impress the varsity coaches

  who were scouting for talent.

  I remember how proud I felt,

  watching him in his dark

  green-and-gold uniform.

  Mom was in the crowded

  stands with Dad and me,

  which was unusual.

  She’d already left us by then.

  Maybe not officially,

  but she was on the road

  singing lead and playing guitar

  with her band a lot of the time.

  Obviously, she didn’t go

  to many games. But that one

  was important to Will,

  and she happened to be

  in town, so she came along.

  It was the beginning

  of the fourth quarter.

  We were ahead, 14–7,

  and Will had scored one

  of our touchdowns.

  So when he got the ball

  again on the thirty-yard line,

  the other team wasn’t about

  to let him run with it.

  It was hard to see

  what happened.

  But even above the cheering,

  it was easy to hear.

  Hit from the back.

  Hit from the front.

  Will’s helmet smashed

  into a defensive guy’s helmet.

  It sounded like a car crash.

  As the two crumpled

  to the ground, the cheering