Confessions of an Estranged College Freshman

by Kitty Parker

  * * *

  I'd known the moment I'd woken up on Monday, September first that it was going to be a horrible day. This had been mostly because I'd felt as though I'd been hit by a train - headache, dizziness, nausea, the whole shebang. Every muscle in my body had screamed in protest when I'd attempted to get up, and Elena had begged me to stay in bed and rest. I hadn't, of course, nor had I listened when Elizabeth, Amory, and evenDorianne had given me the same advice.

  Nope. I'd remained adamant that going to bio was necessary, considering that it was the first lab and that making a good first impression was incredibly important. I'd been determined to go, even though it would mean facing Tully, who had apparently contracted a nasty case of Male PMS over the weekend, if Amory was to be believed.

  This stubbornness had led me to where I was: sitting at a lab table across from a brooding redhead, latex gloves covering my hands, feeling (and probably looking) like shit.

  I dipped my sterile spreader into the bottle containing the E. coli and carefully streaked it across my Petri dish of agar, the gel-like substance used to grow bacteria.

  "Could you pass the E. coli, please?" Tully grumbled.

  I handed him the bottle and he went back to work without even so much as a 'thank you.'

  Oh yeah, he had Male PMS alright. Tully was almost never impolite to girls.

  Finishing streaking my bacteria, I covered the dish and got up from my stool to put it in the incubator. I was still feeling as dizzy as I had been all day. I had barely taken five steps when the room started to spin and I fell to the floor, my plate of E. coli clattering down beside me.

  "Holy Toledo!" shrieked the professor, dashing over to where I lay.

  Holy Toledo? Is she serious?

  The ceiling and the curious faces of my classmates staring down at me continued swimming around in my vision in ways that they really shouldn't have. I blinked up at them stupidly, unable to summon the strength to peel myself off the floor.

  "What happened?" demanded Dr. …Wilder? Wormer? Weiner? I couldn't remember for the life of me.

  "I think I'm sick," I moaned.

  Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Way to state the obvious, Evie.

  Dr. - aha! Wagner! That was it! - shook her head at me in pity. "You shouldn't have come to class today if you were feeling this ill. I appreciate your dedication and all, but your health is my primary concern."

  I attempted to nod.

  Dr. Wagner stood up to address the class. "Does anyone know where she lives?"

  There was a pause, then a sigh and a reluctant "yes."

  "Could you please take her back and see that she gets to bed, Mr.…?"

  "McFadden. Yes, ma'am."

  Ah, shit.

  There were some shuffling noises before someone (Tully, I assumed) looped his arms underneath my shoulders and hoisted me up to a standing position. I attempted to walk to the door, but my legs had apparently turned into jelly, causing me to collapse against my companion.

  Sighing, he scooped me up in his arms and carried me bridal-style out of the room. "You should know better than to come to class like that, Evie," he chastised once we were out in the hall.

  I made a weak noise of assent, feeling incredibly fortunate that he was an athlete and could actually carry me. I certainly wasn't overweight, but I wasn't a stick either. I liked to think of myself as a happy medium.

  Tully continued to berate me as he kicked open the front door of the building. "What if I hadn't been there? How would you have gotten back?"

  "Stop yelling at me," I moaned. "I have a headache."

  "Sorry," he murmured.

  Closing my eyes, I rested my head against his chest. His scent was the same as it had always been - some kind of nice soap that I couldn't name mixed with something that was purely Tully. I inhaled deeply. It was just as intoxicating as it had been when I was fourteen.

  "Are you sniffing me?"

  I had been caught in the act. Cue uncomfortable situation. If I hadn't been sick, I would have freaked out and run away in a nanosecond. As things stood, though, I had no choice but to remain where I was.

  "Maybe," I mumbled.

  "Okay then…"

  Thank God I was too sick to feel overly awkward.

  Still cradling me gently in his arms, Tully started across Sackett Foot Bridge, which led to North Campus. "If you weren't sick, you'd probably smack me for holding you like this," he commented.

  "No I wouldn't," I insisted.

  "You'd at least freak out."

  I couldn't argue with that, so I remained silent.

  "I don't understand you, Evie," he sighed. "I thought things were going well - or at least better - and then you just started being all weird again."

  I waited for him to continue, sensing a speech coming on. When Tully was on a roll, he just kind of…went.

  "It really stings, you know, when I see you being normal and friendly and…well, you with other people but then acting like I've got some rare, contagious, tropical disease or something…er, no pun intended."

  I grunted to show that I wasn't offended.

  We were silent for a moment as we headed past the Fuertes Observatory.

  "I miss you, Evie," he whispered. "I miss my best friend."

  I wasn't sure if he noticed, but I started to cry quietly at that, my tears making a small, wet blotch on his shirt.

  Oh man, this was bad. I was becoming as emotionally unstable as Winona Ryder on crack. I could only hope that I wouldn't start filching things from department stores while I was at it.

  Tully gently brushed a wayward strand of black hair out of my face. "Hey, don't cry. Just…don't worry about it for now, okay? Don't feel bad because of me. Just do things your way…and get better and all that."

  I nodded mutely.

  As we (or rather Tully) walked in silence, my eyelids began to close of their own accord. Before I knew it, I had dosed off. I woke with a jolt, however, when I felt someone prodding my arm.

  "Evie! Evie, wake up!"

  Squinting upward, I found myself staring once again into that familiar pair of bright green eyes.

  "What pocket of your bag is your room key in?" Tully inquired. He was still cradling me in his arms and had set my belongings down on the carpet in front of my door. I wasn't sure when we had even reached the dorm, but I figured I'd been asleep for at least ten minutes.

  "It's not in there," I grumbled. "It's in my pants."

  A blush slowly crept up his neck and spread across his cheeks. "Um…what?"

  "In the front pocket of my jeans," I clarified. I was too out of it to care that I was more or less inviting him to fish around in my pants under the pretense of looking for my keys. Not that he would, of course.

  His blush deepening, Tully shifted me around in his arms so that he could get at my pockets. He hesitated, then slipped his fingers into the right one, probably expecting me to slap him or something.

  I just shook my head weakly. "The other one."

  "Oh…um, er…sorry…" he stammered, retrieving the sought-after object from my left pocket. He quickly opened the door and slipped into the room, dragging my bag in behind him with his foot. "Where should I put you?"

  "My bed," I mumbled.

  "Which one's yours?"

  "The one with the blue sheets and the giant pictures of Milton Friedman and Alfred Hitchcock."

  He headed over to the correct bed, gently setting me down on top of it. He eyed my decorations with a glint of amusement in his eyes as he slipped my flip-flops off of my feet. "You know, most girls would have pictures of Johnny Depp or something on their walls. You have some pictures of your family and a couple of old guys."

  I attempted to scowl. "Milty and Freddie are much better than random celebrities," I insisted weakly, using the affectionate nicknames I'd given them.

  Tully rolled his eyes before pulling the covers over my legs. "Only you could possibly have giant pictures of an old, dead economist and an old, dead filmmaker on your wall."
>
  I remained silent as he finished tucking me in.

  "Do you need anything?" he asked.

  I shook my head.

  "Do you want me to stay until Elena gets back from…wherever she is?"

  "Do you want to?"

  He bit his lip. "I…I'm just worried about you, that's all. It's not every day you see someone keel over in class like that."

  "Class…" I mumbled. "That's right…you should go back to class…E. coli are waiting for you and all…"

  "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed as though he'd forgotten. "Class, right. Well, um…feel better and, uh…get some rest, okay?"

  I nodded, attempting to smile.

  Quickly brushing his fingers across my cheek, Tully stood up and left the room.

  I rolled over onto my side and sighed. Tully's actions had reminded me so strongly of a rainy night back in August of 2001…the eighth…Tully's twelfth birthday…the night when everything had changed for me…

  "I can't BELIEVE you made me watch that!" I groaned as I stomped into my best friend's room. "And right before bed, too!"

  He pouted as he shut the door behind us. "It wasn't that bad, Evie! And besides, it's my birthday."

  "Tuuuullyyy," I whined. "You know I hate gross slasher movies like that! You're just lucky I didn't puke on you when that chick got axed."

  "Can I be honest with you for a second?" he asked as I plopped down on his computer chair.

  "Shoot."

  He took a seat on his bed, his green eyes twinkling with mischief. "I really only make you watch horror movies because I love watching you squirm."

  I stared at him in disbelief. "Are you trying to tell me that you just made me sit through Friday the Thirteenth because you think it's funny that I freak out at the gory parts?"

  His lopsided grin confirmed my suspicion.

  "YOU JERK!" I screeched, launching myself onto him and knocking him onto his back. "I'm going to have nightmares because of you!"

  "Cool! Can I be in them?"

  I grabbed a pillow and gave him a good whap in the face.

  Reaching behind him, he grabbed a second one and bopped me on the head.

  "THIS MEANS WAR!" I declared, preparing to take another swipe at my adversary.

  Before the Battle of Pillowgrad could commence, however, a roll of thunder rumbled ominously in the distance.

  Letting out a frightened squeak, I dropped my weapon and dove under the covers.

  When Tully spoke, there was a good deal of confusion in his voice. "Evie, what's wrong with you? I thought you loved thunderstorms!"

  "Not when I've just watched a horror movie and am terrified that Jason Voorhees is going to pop out of the shadows and kill me with a machete!"

  "Are you serious?" my so-called best friend chuckled.

  I smacked him on the thigh; it was the easiest part of him to reach from my hiding place.

  Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist and start to drag me out from underneath the comforter. Suspecting the culprit to be a psychopath out for revenge, I screamed bloody murder until a hand clamped firmly over my mouth.

  "God, Evie, it's just me!" Tully hissed.

  I blushed. "Oh. Um…sorry."

  "Are you seriously that scared?"

  I nodded.

  He rolled his eyes affectionately. "Well, it's a good thing you have me here to keep you safe, then."

  I smiled at him gratefully, feeling a bizarre fluttering sensation in my heart. Worried for a moment that I was having a palpitation of some sort, I considered informing Tully, then decided against it, figuring that the it had only been my imagination.

  There was another crash of thunder.

  Whimpering, I buried my face in my best friend's chest. I hated seeming this helpless in front of him, but hey, I was kind of petrified. It was his fault, anyway.

  "Shh, Evie, it's okay," he whispered, wrapping his arms around me protectively. "I won't let any nutters with machetes hurt you, I promise. Or anyone else, for that matter. I'll never let anybody hurt you."

  That weird feeling was back. It only intensified when Tully began rubbing soothing circles on my back. I became hyper-aware of his touch, my senses completely on edge. I liked it. I loved it. I wanted him to keep touching me like that, to keep holding me in his arms. I never wanted him to let go.

  "You feel safe now with me here?" he inquired.

  I murmured my assent.

  He buried his face in my hair. "Good," he whispered against my neck, making me shiver. "Go to sleep, then. I'll be right here when you wake up."

  "Promise?"

  "Promise."

  Tully's breathing soon slowed and evened out. Closing my eyes, I attempted to drift off as well, but all I was able to think about was my best friend - the same best friend who held me in a caring, protective embrace as he slept. I wanted to spend every night like that - feeling safe, cared for, even loved, just as the result of a pair of slightly freckled arms wound around my waist.

  It was then that I knew I was in love with Tully McFadden…

  Rolling over again, I sighed. I missed the purity and simplicity of what my relationship with Tully had been before that night - the mud cakes, the holes to China, the tickle-fights…hell, I even missed being forced to watch horror movies with him.

  What happened to us? How did things get so out of whack?

  There was no question in my mind that erasing Tully McFadden from my life had left a gaping hole in my heart. Over the four years we'd been separated, I'd patched that hole over with new friends and acquaintances, but it was still hollow. Nothing could replace the sort of friendship I'd had with Tully, and I knew it. I'd always known it. I'd just chosen to ignore it. If I didn't think about my past, it wouldn't cause me pain. That was how I'd always operated. It wasn't working anymore.

  As I lay there in my bed, feverish and weak, I made a solemn vow: I was going to make things right with Tully. We would bury the past and move on - a fresh start. We wouldn't talk about the fight, nor would be think about it - it would be as though it had never happened at all. It was true that this wouldn't exactly be dealing with the past, but it was better than nothing, right?

  There was a knock on my door.

  "Come in," I croaked, my voice beginning to sound hoarse.

  Elizabeth slipped into the room, carrying something in a bowl that was giving off steam. "Hey, sweetie. I ran into Tully, and he told me what happened."

  She took a few careful steps toward my bed.

  "I made you some soup," she continued. "I think it'll do you some good."

  My eyes widened as I noticed the obstacle - a large calculus textbook - in my friend's path. "Hey, watch out for the-"

  WOOOSH!

  "EEEEK!"

  CRASH!

  SPLAT!

  Damn…that was going to leave a stain.

  Chapter 4: Noisy Fornication is a Neighborly No-No

  To say that my week had been miserable would have been a massive understatement. In addition to collapsing on Monday, battling the flu on Tuesday and Wednesday, and playing catch-up with my work on Thursday and Friday, I'd spent hours agonizing over how to handle the Tully Problem, as I'd named it (just slightly unoriginal, but I hadn't really been in a creative mood). After coming up with a few different conversation scenarios, I'd made lists of the pros and cons of each, made a few outlines, and even started to write a speech. These had all wound up in my wastebasket.

  By the time Friday afternoon had rolled around, I'd more or less given up. I sat at my desk, elbows propped on top of my books, chin cupped in my hands, staring into space.

  "Would you like a frying pan to bang your head against?" asked Elena as she plopped down on her bed.

  I turned around and gave her a look. "Not funny, dude."

  She smiled sympathetically. "Sorry. Just trying to make you laugh."

  "This whole Tully thing's going to wind up giving me ulcers or something," I sighed. "I want to be friends again and all that, and I know that I need to fi
x things, it's just…you know…"

  "Complicated?" she supplied.

  I nodded. "Pretty much. I mean, how do you just bring up something like that without everything becoming painfully awkward?"

  "You could always ease into the subject," she suggested. "Start off with chit-chat, then casually bring it up."

  "Beating around the bush isn't really my thing," I admitted. "You can always tell that I'm trying to get around to something that I don't want to talk about." Sighing loudly, I divulged the part of reconciliation that I was most worried about. "Talking to him about what happened is going to be like reliving it. I don't want to put myself through that again."

  Elena stood up and came to my side, setting a gentle hand on my shoulder in a reassuring gesture. "I understand. You really do have to do something about it before you both go mental, though."

  "I could always just be nicer to him," I mused. "You know, just start being friendly again without actually dragging up the whole issue. He'd pick up on that, right?"

  She snorted. "He's a guy. They don't do subtlety."

  I murmured my assent. She was right, of course. Tully was horrible with hints. He'd never once picked up on the fact that I was head-over-heels for him in middle school, even though we'd spent more or less every day together.

  Out of ideas, we mulled things over for another few minutes. Just as a plan involving messages spelled out with bacteria on agar began to hatch in my mind (I really was going insane), there was a knock on the door. Elena got up to answer it while I did a mental count of how many plates I'd need to spell out "let's let bygones be bygones."

  "Er, Evie," she began hesitantly as I lost track of my tally. "It's for you."

  Giving up on my bacteria plan, I looked over at the door, only to find a rather bashful-looking redhead standing awkwardly on the threshold, his hands shoved into his pockets.

  I made a faint gurgling noise.

  "Hey, Evie," Tully greeted me nervously. "Can I, um…talk to you? Outside?"

  "Uh…" I droned, incapable of forming coherent words. I felt as though someone had flipped a switch in my brain to change my heart rate from Normal Mode to Energizer-Bunny-on-Crack Mode.

  Elena cleared her throat, attempting to snap me out of my daze.