Confessions of an Estranged College Freshman

by Kitty Parker

  Rolling his eyes at my apparent insanity, Amory vacated the premises, followed by his roommate.

  Elena flopped down on her bed. "Well, that was fun."

  "Kudos to you for ganging up on Amory," Elizabeth added. "It's about time someone beat him at his own game."

  I raised an eyebrow at her. "You've only known the guy for two weeks."

  "So?" she countered. "I still think he's a tool."

  I shrugged. "You'll get over it. He's not a bad guy. I wouldn't have gone out with him if he were."

  "Evie, much as I trust your judgment in men, I don't get what you saw in him at all."

  "He grows on you," I chuckled.

  "He's more likely to grow on a rotten log," she retorted.

  Elena snorted. "I like him better than your roommate."

  "Oh yeah," I concurred. "She's a class-A pain in the ass. How do you live with her, Elizabeth?"

  "I don't," she replied. "I just sleep there. I spend all my time in here."

  She had a point.

  "I like Tully, though," she went on. "At least, I do now that he's not PMSing."

  "Friendly Tully's definitely more likable than moody Tully," I agreed, chuckling. "You know, when we were kids, he used to pretend to be moody just so I'd give in to his requests. It would piss me off so much that I'd always cave in the end. My favorite was the time he hid up in our tree house and sulked for four hours because I didn't want to go to the beach. He came down after I got bored with chucking rocks at him and found something more interesting to do. I think he was mad that I'd stopped paying attention to his hissy fit."

  My friends chuckled.

  "He could never pull off the moody thing for very long, anyway," I continued, taking a seat on my computer chair. "Probably because he never really got mad about anything."

  Except about you going to private school, my brain interjected.

  I brushed those thoughts away. I wasn't going to think about that. Things were getting better between Tully and me, and I wanted them to continue to do so. Dwelling on the past would only drag me down.

  "What was he like when you guys were little?" Elizabeth inquired.

  I grinned. "Like he is now, only smaller. Oh, and he thought he was Superman."

  "He did?" Elena chuckled.

  "Yeah, it was a phase," I explained. "We were nine and he'd just seen the movie with Christopher Reeve for the first time. He wore a cape around for a few weeks, called me Lois and insisted I call him Clark, and almost tried to jump off of his house. His mom caught him up on the roof, though. She wasn't exactly thrilled." I smiled fondly at the memory.

  There was a load moaning sound from behind the far wall.

  Elizabeth looked sufficiently creeped out. "What was that?"

  I rolled my eyes. "Annabelle, our neighbor."

  "Annabelle?"

  "Yeah," Elena chimed in. "She's a lovely girl, but she has, um…rather loud orgasms."

  "It's not just the orgasms," I amended. "The whole damn process is loud. It's not exactly infrequent, either. She gets around, you know?"

  "Oh…oh, Ross…"

  Pant, pant, pant.

  "Oh…right there…ahhh…"

  "Isn't that, I don't know…bad…neighborly-ness? Why don't you say something?" Elizabeth suggested.

  I looked at her incredulously. "How about because that would be awkward beyond belief?"

  "I can see it now," Elena mused. "'Oh, hello, Annabelle. How are you? That's lovely. Oh, by the way, would you mind shagging a little less loudly, please?'"

  "Ross! Oh!"

  Thump.

  "That is pretty loud," Elizabeth commented. "Was that the…you know? The end?"

  Elena shook her head. "Not even close."

  "Trust me," I added, leaning forward to switch my laptop on. "You'll know when that comes along."

  "Do you think Tully's ever had sex?"

  Letting out a squeak of surprise, I promptly fell off my chair. "Elizabeth say what?"

  She shrugged. "I was just curious, since we were on the topic, anyway."

  I shook my head, attempting to rid my mind of the disturbing mental images that had infested it. "Now that's something I don't want to think about. Ever." Collecting myself, I logged onto Facebook. When I got to the homepage, I noted a new little message along the right hand side:

  You have been poked by Lars van Acker.

  Ah, I'd had a feeling that the nutty frat boy was going to turn up again.

  "Did I tell you guys about that guy I met last week?" I asked.

  "The frat guy?" Elena inquired.

  "The one with the cheesy pick-up lines?" added Elizabeth.

  I nodded. "Yeah, him. He just poked me."

  Elena shrugged. "Poke him back."

  I did so. I was never one to give up a Facebook poke-war.

  "Poking has completely lost its purpose as a sexual innuendo," Elizabeth commented.

  "Did it ever really have one?" I questioned.

  She paused. "Well…I thought it did…maybe not…"

  "AHHHHH! YES! YES! YES! ROSS! OH, GOD! AHHHH! YES! Ahhh…yes…yes…"

  I jerked my thumb in the direction of Annabelle's room. "That was it."

  Elizabeth blinked a few times. "Wow…"

  I nodded. "Pretty much."

  "So, any guesses on who Ross is?" Elena asked.

  "I think he was one of those two jocks who hit me in the head with the football that one time," I mused. "I know the other one was some dude named Grant."

  Elena chuckled. "I didn't know Annabelle fancied refrigerators."

  Elizabeth shrugged. "To each his own."

  My computer emitted a small noise. I turned around to check it out, rather amused by what I saw. "I don't believe this…"

  Elena furrowed her eyebrows at me, appearing worried. "What?"

  "He poked me again. And it's been….what, five minutes?"

  "You mean frat boy?" Elizabeth chuckled.

  "Uh-huh."

  She seemed impressed. "Now that's persistence."

  I rolled my eyes, returning Lars's poke. "He's not serious. He's just…gregarious."

  Almost instantaneously, I received notice that Lars had sent me a message. I clicked on it.

  Tomorrow night, start of school party, Lambda Chi Alpha, bring friends, BE THERE.

  "We've been invited to a frat party, guys," I announced.

  Elena grinned. "That guy again?"

  "Yeah, Lars," I replied. "What do you guys think?"

  "I think he's horny," Elizabeth decided.

  I chuckled. "Probably. I meant about the party, though. Should we put in an appearance?"

  Elena shrugged. "Why not? As long as we don't get sloshed and dance around in our knickers, I think it should be alright."

  "I'm up for it," Elizabeth agreed.

  "Think we should invite the boys so they can beat up sketchy guys for us?" I asked.

  Elena nodded. "Good plan. They'd probably want to come, anyway."

  "We'll have to keep an eye on Amory, though," I noted. "He usually stays sober, but he does some pretty stupid shit when he gets drunk."

  Elizabeth grinned wickedly. "You have any stories about that? I'd love to hear them."

  I raised an eyebrow. "Looking for blackmail material?"

  She gave me an innocent look. "Who, me?"

  I chuckled. "Well, let's just say that the last time he was drunk, a table lamp nearly filed charges of sexual harassment."

  "Should we bring a video camera, then?" Elena joked.

  "Oh, let's!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "We can send the tape to America's Funniest Home Videos!"

  "You'll never win Amory's heart if you embarrass him on national television," I teased.

  "I don't like him!" she vehemently denied.

  Elena and I had a good laugh at how flustered she was getting.

  "I know," I admitted. "It's just fun to see you get all worked up like that."

  She pouted. "You'd better watch it, Evie, or I'll sic Dorianne on you!"<
br />
  "Vicious bitch, that one," Elena commented.

  Elizabeth threw one of my pillows at her. "Hey!"

  "I meant Dorianne, not you!" she protested, shielding herself with her arms before grabbing a pillow and retaliating.

  I, however, had stopped paying attention to anything going on in the room around me. Something far more important had come up in the form of a Facebook message.

  You have a friend request from Tully McFadden (Cornell).

  Was this meant to be symbolic of our rekindled relationship…thing? Was this a test of whether I'd meant what I'd said? Was there some sort of hidden meaning that I'd have to work out?

  On the other hand, Tully was hardly the sort of person who made frequent use of weird subliminal tactics in evaluating his friendships…or in doing anything else, for that matter. The friend request was more likely a genuine peace offering.

  Smiling softly to myself, I accepted it.

  You are now friends with Tully McFadden.

  Chapter 5: Don't Make Me Get the Chloroform!

  "Heads up!"

  I narrowly dodged the pair of shoes that had come flying in my direction. "Elena, watch where you're chucking that stuff!"

  My roommate turned around to face me. She had been riffling through her closet and chucking random items of clothing over her shoulder for the past ten minutes. It was rather amusing, especially considering how much of a neat freak she usually was. I just wasn't particularly interested in being clocked on the head with a pair of Mary Janes.

  "Oh, sorry about that, Evie," she hastily apologized. "What sort of shoes do you think I should wear?"

  "I'd say flats, since we're going to be dancing," I replied. "I'm only wearing heels so that I won't have to crane my neck all night."

  "What color top?" she continued.

  I thought about it for a moment. "Purple looks nice on you," I informed her. "How about me?"

  "Blue. It'll bring out your eyes."

  I nodded in agreement before pulling my favorite cerulean blue halter top out of my closet. Though it was the sixth of September, it was still warm enough outside for me to wear such things, and the top covered enough to prevent me from feeling slutty.

  Suddenly, the door flew open with a loud bang.

  "TADA!" Elizabeth exclaimed as she leapt into the room. "What do you think?" She gestured to her outfit, which consisted of dark-wash jeans, a green tank top, and a pair of simple black flats.

  "Looks good," I commented, attempting to tie my top behind my neck.

  "Want a little help with that?" Elena offered.

  I smiled at her gratefully. "Yeah, thanks."

  Elizabeth plopped down on my bed. "I'm so excited that we finally get to meet this Lars guy tonight! He sounds like a riot."

  "His absurdly stupid pick-up lines are pretty funny," I conceded.

  "Bond. James Bond," Elena imitated, finishing tying my top. "By the way, guys, I think we should all sort of keep an eye on each other tonight. You know, just in case."

  "Sounds like a plan," I agreed, placing my hand on my desk for balance as I stepped into my jeans. "We should watch the guys as well so that they don't get molested by psychotic skanks."

  Elizabeth giggled. "Wouldn't that be considered 'cock-blocking'?"

  "I like to think of it as doing them a favor in the long run," I replied with a smirk. "There's nothing quite as bad as that morning-after feeling of horror. Not that I'd know, of course."

  "Of course you wouldn't," Elena teased.

  "Hey!" I protested. "I'm a virgin!"

  She cocked her head to the side. "Really? I would've thought you and Amory…well, you know."

  I shook my head. "Nah. We were together for a long time, sure, but we never actually had sex. We came close a couple of times, but it just never seemed right to me, you know?"

  "And he didn't bug you about it?" Elizabeth inquired.

  "No, he's not like that," I replied. "I know you think he's a jerk, but he's actually really respectful of the girls he dates."

  "That definitely raises my opinion of him," Elena commented.

  "So, yeah," I clarified, chuckling. "Amory and I never did the no-no cha-cha, and I definitely haven't slept with anyone else."

  Elizabeth's hand flew to her heart. "Evie, I'm wounded! How can you just deny all those nights we had together? I thought our love was something special!"

  For some reason, that struck me as hilarious, and I doubled over with laughter.

  "Did I miss something?" a masculine voice inquired from the general direction of the doorway. I looked up to see Tully gazing at me with an amused grin.

  Elena's warm brown eyes twinkled. "Just girl-talk."

  "Yeah, shoes, Tampax, Jared Padalecki's abs…you know, stuff like that," Elizabeth elaborated.

  Tully raised an eyebrow. "Right…and Amory and I were just talking about grilling, power tools, and Angelina Jolie's lips."

  I snorted. "Amory and power tools don't mix. Trust me."

  Elena grinned. "I'm sensing a story here."

  "There are several," I replied with a smirk. "Do you want the drill story, the chainsaw story, or the electric hedge-trimmer story?"

  "You are not going to tell them the electric hedge-trimmer story," Amory interrupted, suddenly appearing behind his roommate.

  "Oh, really?" I challenged. "And how are you going to stop me?"

  "I'll sic Tully on you."

  That was a fairly strong deterrent. Tully knew my ticklish spots.

  "Are you guys ready to go?" I asked dejectedly, wordlessly conceding the argument to my ex, who smirked.

  "Ready when you are," he replied.

  Elena and I quickly slipped on our shoes, shut off our lights, and followed Elizabeth, Amory, and Tully out the door.

  * * *

  Elena started to become giddy as we neared the large, ornate Lambda Chi Alpha frat house, from which dance music was booming. "This is going to be so much fun!"

  "That's what she said," Elizabeth giggled. She had taken to adding this phrase to the end of any sentence spoken by the rest of us that she deemed appropriate for the purpose - juvenile, perhaps, but immensely amusing as well.

  "They have the bass turned up so loud," I commented, gesturing to the house as our little group turned up the front walkway. I could actually feel the beat pounding within me. "It's like…throbbing."

  "That's what she said!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

  "Will you cut it out?" Amory snapped. "You're driving me insane!"

  Elizabeth burst into a fit of giggles. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

  The rest of us (with the obvious exception of Amory) snorted with laughter.

  Tully decided to throw her a bone. "It's party time!" he declared.

  "That's what she said!"

  With that, the five of us made our way into the entryway of the house. My nostrils were immediately accosted by the mixed scent of alcohol, sweat, and cigarette smoke. Turning into the living room on my right, I observed the mass of gyrating bodies packed onto the makeshift dance floor, all but fornicating with their clothes on. To my left was the dining room, in the center of which a lively game of Beirut had started up atop the large, wooden table. Beyond that was what appeared to be a kitchen, where I assumed the kegs were located.

  My perusal of my surroundings was suddenly interrupted as I was pulled into a bone-crushing hug. "Evie Kaiser, my Facebook poke-buddy! You made it to my little get-together!"

  "Hi, Lars," I greeted him, though the sound was muffled against his chest. Extracting myself from his grip, I turned to introduce him to my companions. "These are my friends, Amory, Elizabeth, my roommate, Elena, and Tully - you probably remember him."

  Lars enthusiastically pumped each of their hands up and down. "How you doin'? Name's Lars van Acker, hail from Hastings-on-Hudson, New York, originally from Antwerp a really, really long time ago, government major, like to party it up! Welcome to my humble abode!"

  Amory blinked a few times, not quite sure what to make o
f this bizarre new fellow. "Uh…hi?"

  Elizabeth and Elena giggled.

  Tully seemed amused.

  "Alright," Lars continued, clapping his hands together. "We've got drinks in the kitchen, beer-pong in the dining room…"

  "It's Beirut," Tully automatically corrected. "Beer-pong's with paddles."

  Lars ignored him. "…And dancing in the living room. Any questions? Good. Have a ball!" With that, he pranced off into the throng of people.

  "What a weirdo," Elizabeth chuckled. "I approve."

  "Shall we, then?" Elena asked, gesturing to the dance floor.

  I nodded, grinning. "We shall."

  We made our way over, found a patch of free space, and began to move in time to the music. Some hip-hop song I didn't know was playing, and it took me a little while to become absorbed in my dancing. When "Beat It" came on, however, a loud cheer went around the room as the mass of swaying bodies began to sing along with pre-nose-job Michael Jackson.

  "Just BEAAAAAAAT IIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I belted. "BEEEEEEEAT IIIIIIIIIIIT! No one wants to be defeated!"

  Amory grabbed me by the hands, twirled me around, then dipped me low to the ground. When a fun song came on, we could get pretty silly. We weren't the only ones, apparently, considering the manner in which Elizabeth and Elena were jumping up and down, not to mention the fact that Tully had started lip-synching into an imaginary microphone. When the instrumental part came along, he full-on dropped to his knees and started rocking out air-guitar-style. It was incredibly entertaining.

  The next song to come on created even more of a frenzy. As soon as the opening strains of "Sandstorm" were heard, we all mentally prepared for the onslaught, and when the beat started up, the very floor began to bounce from the scores of bodies hopping up and down on top of it.

  The room had turned into a veritable mosh pit; everyone was jumping into one another, smacking each other with their flying limbs, crashing into walls and furniture. I somehow lost my shoe in the chaos. Some large upperclassman knocked into me at one point, sending me flying into Elizabeth. We both wound up sprawled on the floor and had to hastily roll out of the way of our rampaging fellow students. Tully quickly reached down and yanked us both back to our feet.

  When the song ended, the boys declared that all the jumping up and down had made them incredibly thirsty and headed off in search of drinks, leaving us girls to dance by ourselves. We did so peaceably for a while, but I soon felt a strange presence behind me. Some guy I didn't know had begun grinding against me.