Lost To Me

by Jamie Blair

  “I’m sorry.” I hooked my pinkie finger with his.

  He let out a disgusted laugh. “Don’t be. He was a bastard. My mom should’ve kicked his ass out a long time ago.” He took a deep breath, smiled and swung our hands between us. “Sorry. Way to ruin things, huh?”

  “No, you didn’t ruin anything.” My foot traced a ridge of mud into the bank.

  We stared out over the lake in silence for a few minutes, and I had to end it. I couldn’t stand the dense empty air surrounding us.

  “It looks like you could walk right across them,” I said, staring in awe.

  “It’s even better when you’re out there.” He took hold of the paddleboat and started pushing it into the water. “Get in, and I’ll get us going.”

  I kicked off my sandals while he gave the boat a big shove and held it steady in the shallow water.

  The muck on the bottom of the lake squished through my toes, as I waded to the boat and sat down.

  Kolton got in, and our bare, wet feet pedaled in unison. He steered toward the dock as I ogled over the fireflies, inches above our heads.

  “What are they doing?” I asked. “Why are they all here?”

  “Mating.”

  “Oh.” My face prickled with heat.

  “They come every year. I don’t know if it’s normal, but nothing at our house is.”

  “It’s better than normal. Look at them.” I held my hand up, and at least seven fireflies landed on it. I brought them down and showed him, their little lights flashing.

  “It is pretty cool.” He smiled, satisfied, knowing I liked his surprise.

  The paddleboat bumped against the dock. Kolton grabbed a rope and tied it to a metal ring. He got out and helped me up onto the creaky wooden boards.

  We sat in firefly light, dipping our feet into the cool water. I lay back to get a better view, and he did the same beside me.

  “When I was little,” I said, “my Nana told me if you caught one you could make a wish. You have a whole sky filled with wishes to catch.”

  “I only have one wish,” he said.

  I looked over at him.

  “I wish that nothing will change between us when you go home.” He sat up and dug into his pocket. “I got you something to remember today. That’s what took me so long to get the candy at the movie. I was in the gift shop.”

  I sat up as he pulled out a clear plastic jewelry box and opened the hinged lid.

  A tiny enamel ladybug charm hung on a silver chain. I touched it, feeling the raised black spots with my fingertip. He took it out of the box and fastened it around my neck.

  “Do you like it, Ladybug?”

  I could’ve cried. It was the sweetest gift anyone had ever given me. “I love it,” I said, my voice cracking. “More than I can say.” I dove for him, practically knocking both of us off the dock.

  My ladybug landed on his chest as I looked down into his steady blue eyes. “I’ve never felt so…” I struggled for a word that conveyed my feelings, “connected to anyone before. I swear, it’s like I know you,” I put my hand on my chest, “from the inside.” I shook my head. “That doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

  His thumb ran over my cheek. “Yes it does. I know exactly what you’re feeling. It’s like my soul knows yours. Like they’ve always known each other.”

  “Yeah. Like, when we aren’t talking, they are. I don’t need to hear you say things to know what you’re thinking.”

  His hands cradled my face and his lips kissed my forehead, but he didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. I knew what he was thinking, and he knew I was thinking it too.

  I lay my head on his chest, closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. Being with Kolton put everything at peace in my life. There was nothing else in the world.

  He shifted underneath me. I sat up. “Am I too heavy for you?”

  He laughed. “Yeah, you’re too heavy for me.” He sat up and tugged me onto his lap. “Get back over here.”

  My eyes watched his lips move, smiling, laughing. I placed my finger over them, traced the arch of each. “Tell me about the job your mom got you.”

  He took my finger into his mouth and closed his eyes. I pulled it out slowly and replaced it with my lips. “Don’t make me talk right now,” he whispered. “Just keep kissing me like this.”

  My body had never wanted anything more than to be with Kolton. Up on my knees with his legs between mine, I took his head in my hands and pressed my mouth to his. He pulled my knees forward so I sat, straddling his lap, not an inch between us. I broke my lips away to taste his neck. The scent of his soft, salty skin swarmed through my head. He groaned and squeezed my hips. I was dizzy with wanting him.

  Clapping echoed off the lake. “Nice, Kol. Nice.” I jumped off of Kolton’s lap. Kyle stood on the bank with Kolton’s mom.

  Her hands were on her hips, and she was not at all happy. “Don’t let us interrupt.”

  I wanted to jump off the dock, hide underwater and never surface. I couldn’t believe his mom just caught us doing… Oh my God.

  Kolton stood and pulled me up. “Come on.” He held my hand while I stepped down into the paddleboat. “What are you doing home?” he called to them.

  His mom was livid. I could practically see the rage emanating from her body. “Kolton, do you remember me telling you about Kyle’s appointment? Or were you too busy doing other things to bother with it?”

  “Other things?” Kyle laughed. “From what Kolton says, Lauren doesn’t do more than what we just saw. Other things happen with Tabby.”

  “What the hell, Kyle? Why would you say that?” Kolton helped me out of the boat. I wondered who Tabby was.

  “He wouldn’t have missed this appointment if he’d been with Tabby,” his mom said, looking at her feet. “She knows how important it is for him to be there.”

  It felt like I’d been punched right in the gut. “I’m going to wait in the car.” I took off across the grass, blinking like crazy to keep the tears back. How could she say that in front of me?

  I didn’t know why drama had to erupt for the second time when I was at Kolton’s house, and I didn’t feel like coming back to find out if the third time was a charm. I darted into the tree line, anxious to get back to Kolton’s car so he could drive me home.

  After a few minutes, I’d reached the backyard, and Kolton jogged up behind me. His brow was creased, and his jaw was locked. He wouldn’t look at me, just grabbed my hand and tugged me to his car.

  “Kolton?” I wanted my hand free, not sure what I felt about all of this, but he wouldn’t let go, just held on tighter. “Who’s Tabby?”

  “My ex-girlfriend. I’m sorry she said that. She likes Tabby.”

  I walked toward the driveway, my eyes glued to the grass in front of my feet. I didn’t know how to feel. Jealous? Pissed? Annoyed? I was a little of all three.

  Kolton spit blood on the grass, and I saw that one side of his jaw had swollen into a golf ball-sized knot. “Oh my God, what happened?” I asked, turning his face so I could examine it.

  “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He stepped away, spit more blood into the grass and smacked both hands onto the roof of his car. “You shouldn’t be with a guy like me. You don’t deserve to have to deal with this shit.” He ran his hands over his face, pausing when his fingers found the lump on his jaw. “I’ll drive you home.”

  We drove to my house in silence, and he pulled up out front. My heart was breaking. “Will you come in?” I had to make this better somehow.

  He shook his head no.

  “I don’t want you going back there with...” I gently touched his jaw. “You’re staying here.”

  “It’s okay. Nothing else is going to happen.”

  I squeezed his wrist. “I want you to stay here.”

  He looked over at me. “How are you going to manage that one? I doubt your parents will go for it.”

  I grinned, hoping to lighten his mood, but his lips didn’t budge from their stoic straight
line. “Come in, and when they go to bed, you’ll pretend to leave, but just move your car down the street. Then you’ll come back, and I’ll sneak you up to my room.”

  He shook his head and mirrored my grin, but it was more a smirk. “You love to get me in trouble.”

  “Kolton, you’re refusing to stay overnight with me?” I rested my hand on his thigh and leaned in to nuzzle his neck with my nose.

  I heard a laugh catch in his throat, even though he fought to keep it in. “You better be careful what you ask for.”

  I stroked his face where it was swelled. “Come inside with me.”

  He rested his head against mine, and then nodded as he fingered my ladybug charm.

  We watched The Late Show with Mom, Dad, and Amy. Luckily, my family believed he’d been hit in the face with a basketball earlier, before we came to my house. Oriann, who was on a kick of refusing to sleep, crawled around on the floor, fixated with Kolton. She kept pulling herself up using his legs. He’d give her his fingers to hold onto and she’d giggle.

  Amy took her up to bed before the show was over, and stayed up there with her. Mom and Dad went up to bed when it was over.

  As soon as my parents’ bedroom door closed, I ran to the kitchen and got a bag of frozen peas. I sat beside Kolton on the couch holding it against his cheek and stroking his hair.

  After he moved his car, we crept up the stairs to my bedroom, and I locked us in. I held the bag of peas as he raised his t-shirt over his head. It might have been a dream, but the swollen knot on the side of his face told me it wasn’t.

  He lay back on my bed, and I dug in my dresser for a pair of p.j.’s.

  “Do me a favor?” he said.

  Seeing him there, lying in my bed, so vulnerable and in pain, I’d have done anything for him.

  “Sleep in my t-shirt.”

  I went to the bed, sat beside him, and kissed him lightly. Then, I picked his t-shirt up off the floor and turned my back to him. After pulling my shirt over my head, I unhooked my bra and let it fall to the floor. I couldn’t hear him breathing behind me, but his fingertips brushed across my back. His t-shirt was warm as I tugged it on. It smelled like him. I loved the thought of our scents mingling, of my bare chest where his had just been.

  His shirt fell past my bottom when I stood, and I tugged my shorts off underneath. Then, I turned and our eyes met.

  “Do you know how beautiful you are?” He blinked slowly, breathed deeply.

  I climbed over him to my side and tugged the covers up around us. My legs wound with his, tangled in knots, and I rested my head on his chest. His fingers found their way up the back of his t-shirt, and he scratched my back as I held the frozen bag of peas against his face.

  “I love having my back scratched.” I wiggled and snuggled into him, curling around him like a cat. I’d have purred if I could have. “You’re so quiet.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know I was supposed to go with them to Kyle’s appointment.”

  I tilted my head up to see his eyes, but he was looking out the balcony doors. I kissed his chin. My fingertips brushed his lips. “Did you tell them?”

  He glanced down at me then back out the door. “No. It doesn’t matter.”

  I stroked his face and lips, kissed his neck and chest, and stayed as close as possible. “I miss you already,” I whispered, right before falling asleep.

  “I miss you too.”

  KOLTON

  Mr. Tulane handed me the keys to the warehouse. “Load the equipment onto the trailer and head to this address.” He pulled a piece of paper out of a notepad with his fat fingers and tossed it across his desk to me. I couldn’t tell by his attitude if he knew I’d broken up with his daughter. He was usually all-business, and today wasn’t any different. “Where’s your brother?”

  “I don’t know. Haven’t seen him.” I turned to leave.

  “I’m doing this as a favor to Tabby. I don’t need either of you on my crew, so don’t fuck up.”

  My feet pounded against the pavement toward the warehouse. Lawn mowers and weed whackers hummed off in the distance somewhere, irritating my brain. I’d already worked this morning at the pier, now here I was, putting in another six hours to total fourteen today.

  Kyle was probably over at Matt’s getting wasted. He knew he couldn’t drink. His doctor told him not to. Now he was being an asshole about taking his medication, too.

  I jammed the key into the lock, opened the door, and stepped in the stuffy, thick air. Mr. Tulane called it a warehouse, but it was more of a storage barn. It stunk like gas and was always dark and hot. Tabby and I’d had sex once in the warehouse, on the seat of a John Deere tractor.

  The memory made me think of Lauren wrapped around me in her bed last night, and how much I wanted to touch her.

  When the time came, it would be more than just doing it, or having sex. With Lauren it meant more than that. It was this huge moment we were heading toward, and I didn’t want to just sprint to get there. I wanted to take her hand and lead her gently. Make it special for her. Make it good.

  I shook my head to clear thoughts of what I’d do to her. I had to get to work.

  After forty-minutes of loading the riding mower, edger, weed whacker, and gas cans onto the trailer, I climbed up into the cab of the Tulane Property Maintenance pickup and pulled the address out of my pocket. I wouldn’t need GPS to find this house. It was Rob’s.

  I drove over and parked out front glancing down two houses to Amber’s house, hoping she wasn’t home. Tabby’s car was in her driveway. Something told me as soon as she heard the mower start, she’d be over. Rob wasn’t around. His driveway was empty. He, Matt and Kyle were probably out screwing off somewhere.

  I got out and lowered the gate on the trailer. As soon as I backed the mower down onto the street, Tabby and Amber made their way across the yards. I put the mower in neutral and waited to get this over with.

  “Hey,” Tabby said, as they approached.

  I could see the hope in her eyes. Did I have to continue crushing her every time she saw me? “Hey.”

  “How’s your face?” Amber asked, smirking.

  I ignored her and put the mower into gear. Obviously Kyle told them what happened. “I have work to do.”

  Tabby put her hands on top of the mower. “You’re cheating on me, Kolton. Kyle told me about you and that girl out on the dock.”

  I blinked a few times, not believing what she was saying. “Tabby, we’re not together. I’m not cheating on you.”

  Amber’s eyes got wide and her jaw swiveled back and forth. “I told you he was playing you.”

  “What about the other day? After Kyle had an episode? You let me hold you! You said you needed me!”

  My mind ran frantic back to me and Tabby standing in the hall outside Kyle’s bedroom. I knew I shouldn’t have let her hold me. I knew it was the dumbest thing in the world even while I was letting it happen, but I couldn’t remember saying I needed her. “Tab, I was a mess after Kyle… I couldn’t even think about anything but him. I don’t--”

  “No!” She stormed over to me and squeezed my thigh with both hands. I shut off the mower. “You said you needed me, Kolton. Stop being stupid. We belong together. You know we do.”

  “I’m sorry. I have a girlfriend, Tabby. I told you that.” I started the mower again so she’d know it was final.

  Amber stepped forward. “Until your girlfriend leaves and you’re horny. Then I bet you’ll be all over Tab.” She glared at me.

  “I’m done with this conversation.” I pulled the safety headphones over my ears and nudged the mower forward slightly so they knew to back the hell away.

  I didn’t need Amber’s shit. I was already pissed because I couldn’t spend the day with Lauren. We only had so much time before she left. I told her I’d stop by after I got off at nine. She wanted to take some night photos on the beach. I focused my mind on her for the next couple hours, and every possible scenario that would get her naked in the oce
an with me that night.

  Rob’s car pulled in the driveway just as I finished up. “What’s going on?” He trotted over to the Tulane pickup. “I heard you were working for Tab’s dad.”

  “Yeah. Good times.” I wiped my sweaty face with a towel I’d brought along.

  “Tomorrow night. Party. Be here. Bring your woman so I can meet her.” He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one. I hated the smell of smoke. It reminded me of home.

  “I don’t think so. There’s nobody I want to see.” I scuffed my foot through the cinders on the side of the road. “Other than you, I mean.”