‘Ha! Yes, but don’t worry. It wasn’t serious.’
I get the odd feeling that she’s not telling me everything, but I really need to stop with the jealousy; she’d never do anything to hurt me. ‘Hmmm… well, he’d better not get any ideas.’ I pull her possessively into my arms and kiss her forehead.
She giggles and then heaves a melodramatic sigh. ‘Oh, you! You honestly have nothing to worry about; he’s married with two children and has absolutely no intention of stealing me away from you.’
I smile at her, and I’m sure she can see the relief in my eyes. ‘Okay. How’s Hannah?’ I change the subject, suddenly realising how selfish I’m being. She’s had a shitty night, I’m sure and I’m acting like a stupid teenager.
The smile slides from her face and I notice her eyes aren’t their usual sparkling green. It’s a sure sign that she’s unhappy, when her eyes fade back to grey. ‘She’s tired. And sad, angry and busy.’
‘I know that feeling.’ Did I just say that out loud?
‘Oh, I’m sorry, how could I forget that you lost your mum, too – I’m so—’
‘No! Don’t you dare apologise. I’m fine – this is your grief; your best’s friend’s mum. I’m not taking anything away from that.’ I cup her face tenderly with both hands and cover her lips with mine. The kiss subdues the avalanche of tears that are threatening to burst from my chest. Death. I’ll never get over any of it. But this isn’t mine to own – Hannah’s mum is being missed now by her family – and Abbie – she needs me and I need to man up.
When we pull ourselves apart for some air, tears are streaming down her flushed cheeks. I wipe them away and hug her again.
‘Thank you,’ she whispers, pulling back and giving me one of her forced smiles. I’m starting to recognise them well, and I accept them. I know there are some real smiles she saves for me and I’m happy with that.
‘Should we go and see Zane?’ I offer.
‘Yes, I think that’d be a good idea.’
‘What do I say to him? I feel a bit awkward.’
She leads me to Zane’s room. ‘Just be yourself.’
Chapter 10
When we arrive at Zane’s room I’m surprised to see Jed leaning over him, gently wiping Zane’s face with a flannel.
‘This is fun, Church Boy,’ Jed says with a laugh, positioning himself on the side of the bed.
Zane lets out a small laugh, then coughs, before noticing that we’ve just walked in.
‘Abbie!’ he gasps, with a wide smile.
‘Hi, Zane,’ she answers, tightening her grip on my hand and pulling me over to his bedside.
‘Hey, Valentine,’ Jed says, sliding off the bed and putting out a hand. His dreadies are out and the three-day growth is gone; he looks freshly showered and pretty damn thrilled with himself.
We shake, and he pulls me in for a half-hug – one of those typical sort of guy hugs – then turns to Zane. ‘Look who’s come to see you. This guy saved your life, Church Boy!’
I haven’t seen this side of Jed. He’s really happy. Relieved and obviously enjoying some precious time with Zane.
‘Er, hi, Zane,’ I say, feeling pretty awkward. I put out a hand to shake with his, and he raises his unbroken arm. His hand is delicate. Not like a woman’s, but smooth and unspoiled. An unexpected thought crosses my mind, and I realise he’s what I think an angel would look like. Weird. He reminds me of the angels I’ve seen in movies; young and glowing. I clear my throat to make sure I have a voice and add, ‘I was just in the right place at the right time – no hero or anything.’
Zane struggles to sit up a little more and offers me a smile, between bouts of gritting his teeth in agony. ‘Well… I’m very…’ he takes a laboured breath. ‘I’m very pleased you were… there.’
Jed pulls two chairs up to the side of the bed and I take a seat, pulling Abbie onto my lap. I feel the need to hold her close, I know she’s exhausted and if all I can do is keep my arms around her, then I’ll do that – at the same time, she’s acting as my security blanket right now.
‘How are you feeling?’ she asks Zane.
‘Much better. I ordered my parents to go home – they need a break, and I needed time with Jed. So… much…’ he breathes deeply. ‘So much has happened…’
‘It’s okay,’ Jed says, sitting beside him again and grasping his hand. ‘We knew you’d be okay and just hung around waiting.’
‘Yeah, it’s been a rough ride, but it’s all good,’ I add, meeting Zane’s gaze with what I hope is a comforting look.
‘Thanks, Valentine – really – I’m so… grateful,’ he wheezes a little and rests his head back into the pillow. ‘Abbie?’ he says, staring up at the ceiling.
‘Yes,’ she replies.
‘I’m going to tell my parents about Jed and I.’
She stands up and moves over to him.
They look at each other and smile. ‘Good.’ She leans over and kisses him on the cheek, squeezing his hand gently. ‘You’ll feel much better for it. You know, we’re here for you.’
‘I know.’ He smiles at her. ‘I’m going to tell them when they come back, get it done – like pulling off a Band-Aid.’
Jed looks over at me. I can see he’s all for Zane telling his parents, but he knows they’re not going to accept it. We both know they aren’t going to embrace Jed with open arms and more than likely, Church Boy won’t be accepted back at church – not at their church, anyway.
‘I’m very proud of you, Zane,’ Abbie says, breaking the silence. ‘It’s going to be a very tough road for you for a while, but you’re not alone.’
‘I know,’ he replies. ‘Now, tell me what’s been going on. I feel like you’re not doing so good.’ He twists his fingers through hers and I watch the two of them smile at each other like siblings.
‘It’s been a rough time,’ she sighs. Jed stands up and guides her to sit beside Zane.
‘Is it the baby?’ Zane asks.
‘Oh, no! She’s doing perfectly.’ Abbie’s face brightens for a moment before a shadow passes over her expression again. Her smile disappears and I see tears welling. ‘Hannah’s mum passed away. The funeral is this Thursday.’
‘Oh, shit,’ Zane sighs, pulling Abbie to him and wrapping his good arm around her. He coughs lightly but doesn’t let her go. ‘I’m so sorry. How’s Hannah?’
‘Not good. But, you know, she’s so level-headed. She’s arranging things and getting stuff done.’
‘And you?’ he says.
‘I’m fine.’ Her voice is trembling. I want to pull her back to me, but I won’t. She loves Zane – I’m not stupid enough to think that he doesn’t fulfil some need in her life. He’s her best friend.
Jed watches them, probably thinking the exact same thoughts as I am. It’s a strange situation. One I never imagined I’d be in. My fiancée’s best friend and his partner have become a very big part of my own life now. I can only assume this is going to develop into a long relationship and these two guys are going to become family.
∞~∞~∞~∞
Patrick and Izzy pick Abbie up for the funeral – I just can’t do it. I want to be there for her, but I feel like I don’t really belong. I’m not doing so well. I call in to work and tell them I’m sick.
I feel like my chest is going to explode.
I’m so fucked up.
I know I have that coke, hidden away in its small packet – I’ve promised myself I won’t touch it. I won’t weaken. I need to be strong, for Abbie’s sake, for the baby’s sake.
Fuck.
I can’t breathe properly, and I’m torn between being stressed over the thought of the funeral, and agonizing over the fact that I’m not there to support Abbie. What sort of an asshole does that make me?
The coke. It isn’t much. It can’t do any harm, can it? It’ll calm me down, make it easier to cope with the shit that’s swamping my mind.
It’ll take me to Dillan.
I shouldn’t.
But I could u
se it, and Abbie needs never know. Just this once, I tell myself. Just this once, and never again.
I go to the wardrobe and find the old pair of shoes hidden up on the top shelf, among some other crap I’ve hoarded over the years. I pull the tiny packet from its hiding place and locate an old razor blade in the bathroom. This has to work.
I head for the kitchen, placing the packet on the table and look around anxiously; I’m jumping at shadows. I’m fucking nervous. But Abbie won’t be home for hours and this’ll wear off by then.
There’s a bottle of whisky tucked away in the pantry – a housewarming gift from Phil, which I haven’t opened yet. Maybe just one glass now will help take the edge off? I unscrew the cap and pull a glass down from the cupboard, knowing full well that Abbie would be pretty pissed off if she knew what I was up to. But what she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her.
With a gulp of the golden liquid I feel the magic working its way through me. I take a seat at the table, pour the powder out gently and scrape it into a line with the razor blade. My hands are fucking shaking. My heart is racing and I know I’m going to go down – right down under the veil – where Dillan is waiting. I take a short sniff to test that it goes in the right way and I feel the familiar buzz. Throwing my head back and taking a deep breath, I want more. I take another sniff in and I can already breathe easier again. The pain in my chest subsides, my heart starts thumping into overdrive and exhilaration sets in.
The veil. The veil covering Dillan’s face flutters gently, inviting me to push it aside and find him.
There’s no sound, except my heartbeat – slowing. I’m floating on water. I’m in the water. My limbs loosen, and lighten, until I feel as though I’m buoyant; no longer reliant on gravity to hold me down. My vision is fuzzy and the white powder is all gone.
Time to go and lay down, before I drown.
∞~∞~∞~∞
‘Valentine?’
Oh shit! Abbie… She’s home. What time is it?
I hear myself groan, but my body refuses to move.
Where am I? In the bathroom?
A sharp pain stabs at my neck and I can sense cold penetrating though my jeans. I’m on the cold tiled floor, leaning my head against the side of the bath.
There’s a knock at the door.
‘Valentine, are you in there?’ Abbie calls out.
She’s closer – oh, God! I can smell her perfume – jasmine. Is she in the bathroom with me? ‘Oh my God, what’s happened to you?’ She’s crying.
Fuck, I’ve scared her.
I’m okay. I try to tell her, but my mouth refuses to move. I try to sit up, but I can’t fucking move. I can’t even lift my head – I’m just a body – a useless, lifeless body.
‘Please, please, wake up! Valentine, what have you done?’ She’s sobbing harder now and distress is coming off her in waves.
I feel her soft, warm hands on my cheeks. Then her beautiful lips touch my forehead, my cheeks and lips. Why is she kissing a useless dick like me?
Get up! I scream at myself. I’ve been here before – plenty of times – only this time I’m not alone. This time I can’t retreat into the shadows – to where Dillan is. This time there’s Abbie. This time I’m not meant to be here.
Fuck.
Chapter 11
Abbie. She’s here.
I feel a cool, damp cloth on my face and hear her sniffing back tears.
I made her cry.
Drawing in a deep breath and forcing my eyelids to move, I open my eyes a little. I see her.
My angel.
My rainbow.
Red crazy curls framing her beautiful face. My vision is blurred but I can see her looking into my eyes. What is she looking for? Me? I’m here somewhere. I’m never far when she’s beside me.
‘Valentine, please. Are you okay?’
She’s begging me to answer.
I swallow. My throat is working. I try my voice. ‘Abbie.’
It’s a poor attempt at a word, but it’s out.
‘Oh, God!’ she lets out a sob and kisses me again. She kisses my lips and my cheeks. Her face is wet.
‘I’m okay,’ I manage to slur the words out and feel like throwing up.
Dragging me into a sitting position, she sits beside me and cradles my useless body. ‘I thought you were –’
‘I’m okay… I just needed to…’ Argh, how do I explain? How do I tell her I’m not coping? ‘I needed to get away –’
‘What do you mean? Are you drunk?’ she pulls my face towards hers to look at me closer. ‘Did you get drunk because of the funeral?’
‘It was more than that,’ I say quietly, trying hard to focus on her.
She scrutinises me with concern. ‘More than what? Are you sick?’
‘No. Not really – well, I don’t know.’ My head is starting to thump like it’ll explode any minute.
I open my eyes again. Focus!
Mustard coloured tiles accost my senses; they’re too bright. I push myself away from Abbie with as much force as I can manage. And it’s too late. My stomach tightens, wrenching like a tidal wave and empties itself. I hear myself gagging, choking on bile and Abbie gasping.
‘Oh God, Valentine!’ she jumps up and I see a blurred vision of her grabbing a towel. I’m on my hands and knees, looking at the mustard tiles and the room is spinning.
∞~∞~∞~∞
It seems like hours before I realise I’m in bed, naked.
Abbie is sitting beside me in her white cotton nightie and the drapes are pulled back, inviting a burst of warm sunlight in.
My eyes are aching. ‘What time is it?’ My head feels like it’s full of cement.
‘Seven a.m. – It’s okay, I called your work and told them you have the flu. You won’t be in today or tomorrow.’ She reaches for my hand and looks deeply into my gaze. ‘We need to talk.’
‘I’m sorry.’ And I am. More than these two stupid words could ever explain.
‘I assume you are, but I want to know where on earth you got drugs from. And before you can deny it, please don’t insult me – I know it was more than just the bottle of whisky.’ She doesn’t seem angry, but there are tears welling in her eyes.
I’m so ashamed, but I need to be honest. I owe her that much.
‘I went to see Phil, just to check on him after Sarah –’
‘Why doesn’t that surprise me!’ She throws her hands in the air and climbs off the bed, moving to look out of the window. She takes an exasperated breath and adds, ‘I thought you were going to try.’ This isn’t a question. It hangs in the air like a raincloud and I try to focus on the sunlight dancing over her crazy curls and pale skin; what the fuck have I done?
Suddenly she spins around and glares at me. ‘Those drugs could’ve had anything in them!’ She crosses the floor, narrowing her tear-filled eyes at me as she sits back on the bed beside me. ‘Valentine, you could’ve died,’ she adds, locking her gaze with mine.
My chest is so tight – like I’ve got a fucking elephant sitting on me. What have I done to this beautiful woman? Why the hell did I have to flirt with her innocence and pull her down into this fucking black hole. She doesn’t belong here. I should’ve left her alone and she’d be happy now.
I bring my hands to cover my face and try to take a deep breath – dizziness comes in a wave and I brace myself for a moment. ‘I can’t do this,’ I say quietly. I don’t know what else to say. I’m such a dick. Why do I always stuff things up?
I try to sit up, but my head spins. I lay back and stare up at the ceiling. I focus on the tiny cracks around the light and imagine joining them up with a pen. ‘It’s too much.’
She leans over and places her hand gently on my cheek. ‘What’s too much? Me? The baby?’
‘No, not us – just everything.’
‘Valentine, you’re not making sense.’ She moves my face so I’m forced to look at her. ‘Tell me.’
‘Everything – death – and your bright sunshine – your happiness, it’s j
ust too much.’
She frowns at me. ‘My happiness? – you don’t want me to be happy?’
I feel her move away, abruptly. My heart starts to race. ‘No! It’s not that – it’s just that you’re blinding me.’
‘Blinding you, or suffocating you?’ she stands up and wraps her arms around herself.
I sit up, forcing my eyes to focus – shit. ‘Please, Princess, you’re taking it wrong.’ I swallow and take a deep breath, trying to keep from throwing up. ‘I need you, but it hurts.’
I know I’m not making sense. I lay back into the pillow. Immediately I feel her beside me again. I hear a trickle of water and her nightgown brushes against my arm as she leans over to wipe my face with a damp flannel. It’s cool and refreshing, but it does little to make me feel better.
‘Please tell me what’s happened.’
I can’t tell her. She’ll think I’m a real gutless wonder.
‘You take a breath and talk. I’ll be here, listening.’ She lies down beside me, snuggling against my chest. Her perfume, her soft skin touching my face and warm breath on my neck helps me to relax.
I let my mind roam back to that grey, wintry day in Belfast. The sirens, the screaming – they came later. Before this, the day was a good day. Katie Fischer had smiled at me in Biology class and I’d even managed to stand behind her in the canteen at lunch – her scent of freshly shampooed hair wafting over me.
Then the day went bad. Really fucked.
‘He was only ten years old and he was in pieces,’ I say quietly. I haven’t said this out loud before and I feel my throat contort. I swallow the lump. ‘His left arm from his elbow was torn off and I couldn’t fix him. And nobody claimed the attack – who would? It was a bomb placed in a bin that exploded right next to the back of our fucking school bus – who does that?’
Abbie tightens her grip on my arm and buries her face into the nape of my neck. I know she’s crying. I’m crying too.
The pressure behind my eyes is almost unbearable. I gulp in some breath and continue. ‘By the time I came to after the shellshock and focussed on the rear of the bus, it was too late.’ I clench my teeth together and squeeze my eye shut, to try and stop the tears. ‘I could hardly see a thing through the smoke and the mass of people rushing around.’ I pause, sucking in some more air. ‘I know Mum didn’t blame me, but I did. And Dad always said he was glad I was there, so Dillan wasn’t alone. But, I couldn’t fix him!’ I raise my voice, feeling the guilt swell in my chest like a storm. ‘I should’ve been on the bus with him, instead of trying to chat up Katie Fischer, while she giggled with her girlfriends at the front. Fuck! I would’ve been with him.’
Absolution (The Infinity Series Book 2) Page 7
