HUGE STEPS

by Stephanie Brother

  I watch the stars glittering above us on the way back to my dad’s and Natalie’s home. It doesn’t take us long before we get there. I could probably make the case that I am okay to drive over to my apartment, but I tell everyone I need a shower and some major sleep instead. That way no one thinks twice about barging in on me in my old room, leaving me alone.

  I’m able to put on a neutral expression for everyone else’s benefit, but as soon as the door is shut behind me everything inside of me crumbles. I slide down along the door until I’m lurched forward, the sobs building up until they spill out.

  I desperately reach for the stereo and put my loudest music on full-tilt, trying to drown out my humiliation and disappointment from everyone else’s ears.

  2

  Abigail

  “Ugh,” I groan, rolling away from the blinding light that’s filtering in through the window by the bed. My head is pounding like I was run over by a truck last night, and I need some serious caffeine. Neither my dad or Nat drink coffee though, which means I have to put myself together enough to make my way back to my own apartment ASAP.

  Before I reach the bottom of the steps, I can already smell the bacon and eggs wafting up from the kitchen. Sure enough, Nat is busy banging around, completely dressed and ready for the day, while I’m wearing an old tank top and a pair of worn jeans that couldn’t possibly be any tighter around the middle—the only outfit I could manage to scrounge up in my old room. The elegant engagement dress has been tossed into the nearest corner until I can decide whether I want to set it on fire or not.

  “Morning,” I grumble, giving her a quick wave.

  “Ah-ah-ah! Don’t just take off without having some breakfast first!” she says, pointing to the place setting at the table that’s already got a plate full of food and a whole glass of my favorite almond milk.

  I look down at the food, my stomach betraying me by rumbling loudly enough for Nat to grin. “Well. Who am I to deny free food?” I say, slipping into the chair.

  Nat tries to strike up a conversation with me—anything other than the topic of my pathetic sham of an engagement, that is—but I can’t find it in me to reciprocate. I’m just not in the mood for talking, I guess.

  Once I’ve finally scarfed down my breakfast, in more of a rush to get out of here than I should be, I push away from the table. “Thanks for breakfast, Nat.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, honey. I just want to make sure you’re okay, you know? I can’t even imagine…” she seems to hold back though, deciding instead to smile and pat my hand from across the table. “Well, of course, you’ll be okay.”

  The kitchen door opens and two tall figures pile inside, both standing behind their mother, leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek. It’s not unusual to see my twin step-brothers randomly popping over when there is food involved.

  “Hey, Ma. We’re sorry that we’re eating and leaving, but we gotta get going,” Jamie says, grabbing a few slices of bacon.

  Nat looks at me, scraping the last bit of her food into her mouth before smiling up at her sons. “Hey boys, I don’t suppose the two of you would mind giving Abi a ride over to her apartment, would you?”

  Jamie shrugs, while Jared scoops up his own handful of food, nodding. “Yeah, that won’t be a problem. Are you ready to go, Abi?” Jared has always been more deliberately thoughtful than Jamie, so this comes as no surprise.

  He turns his gaze to me and it’s so intense. I’ve never been able to work out if it’s his general way of looking at people or if he just reserves the shiver-worthy bone-melting stares for me. Maybe I’m just so exhausted from everything that’s gone on the past twenty-four hours that I’m just a bundle of frayed nerves at this point. “Yep. All finished,” I say, pushing away from the table.

  I thank Nat for the breakfast and throw my purse over my shoulder, following my step-brothers out the side door.

  The trip across town is a quiet one because Jamie and Jared are too busy talking about their favorite football team to really notice me brooding in the backseat. It’s probably a good thing. I’m mortified enough about yesterday without looking like I’m a complete wreck today. I can’t wait to get to my apartment so that I can hide away from anyone watching me.

  As we pull up to the curb outside my building, relief floods through me as I realize neither of them is making a move to get out with me. I mumble a goodbye and scramble to get out of the car, but before I can turn around and head up the steps, I hear Jamie knocking his wide fist against the window, He rolls it down, half leaning out of it. “Hey, Abi. We know you’re going through some shitty stuff…if you need anything, you just gotta call, okay? We’ve got a couple places we have to be today but later if you want us to come and cheer you up.”

  My heart sinks. I know they’re just trying to help, and as comforting as it is to know that the two of them are willing to hang out with me to make me feel better even while I’m a hot mess, I really don’t think I’m up for it just yet. I swallow hard. “You guys really you don’t have to…”

  Jared leans over from the driver side, meeting my gaze. “We know that, Abi. But we don’t want to leave you mopping…we’re around if you need a distraction. And if we happen to see Cody on the street between now and then, well…”

  “A few less-kindly words will probably fly, you can bet your ass on that,” Jamie finishes for him, his eyes narrowing.

  “Thank you,” I manage to reply, not wanting my voice to sound as thick as it feels in my chest and throat. They’ve always been sweet to me but I’ve never had reason to see their protective sides. By the time they came into my lives as my big brothers, all the bullies had left me alone. Both Jamie and Jared’s expressions soften.

  “Seriously, Abi, just let us know if you need anything.”

  I take a step back away from the car and give them both a lame thumbs-up.

  –

  A hot soak in the tub doesn’t seem to relieve me of the anxiety stirring around my brain, so I wrap my robe around myself and pad barefoot into the kitchen. I look at the champagne left over from the other night but as much as I’d welcome the cool trickle of numbness I know it could bring, I shared it with Cody.

  So much has changed.

  How can something that was once associated with happiness so quickly turn bitter?

  There’s a knock at the door, and a couple quick buzzes on the doorbell, letting me know who it is immediately. Shay.

  “Oh girl, I should’ve known you’d be walking around in a daze. Look at you.” She shakes her head, her dark curls bouncing as I let her inside the apartment and lock the door behind us.

  I walk wearily back and take a seat on the couch. “I don’t even know...”

  She plops down the couch beside me, nodding. “I know, I know, honey.” She pats my knee as though I’m a puppy who needs reassurance. “I just… I still can’t believe he had the balls to just bail on you like that. I mean we all knew he was flaky as hell, but this just goes beyond everything else he’s done.”

  “You thought he was flakey?” She never said anything like that about Cody before and Shay always says what she thinks. At least, I thought she did.

  Shay rolls her eyes again. “He needed you to tie his shoes, girl. I know you might not want to hear this now, but you are so much better off without that douchebag.”

  My heart clenches. Part of me wants to hear her say terrible things about Cody so that I can believe that this situation I’m in is for the best. It’s the part of me that’s completely humiliated by what’s happened. It’s the part of me that wants to storm around to his place and hit him over the head with the champagne bottle from the kitchen and tell him exactly what a lowlife piece of shit he is. That isn’t me though. I thought I knew Cody. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and I’m so confused about everything. All the plans that I had mapped out in my head have blown away like dust and I don’t know what’s going to happen now.

  There are so many things I wa
nt to say…so much whirring around in my head but going over it all isn’t going to make me feel better. I’m not the kind of person who shares problems. The shame of feeling more pity, even from my best friend, is definitely not what I need right now.

  “I don’t think I want to talk about it,” I mumble, putting my head in my hand. Just keep my eyes open.

  “Abi, you and I both know that you might as well get it out while it’s still fresh. Rip off the Band-Aid. That way you can clean up, and move on with as little scarring as possible. I think you owe it to yourself to get over it as quickly as possible, don’t you? Besides…isn’t that what I’m here for, anyway?” she asks, nudging me. Shay’s nurse anecdotes don’t make it any easier of a pill to swallow.

  “I guess. I don’t know, Shay. I just don’t understand how he could’ve done something like this. After everything I’ve put up with!”

  “Well, you know what they all they say. Everything happens for a reason. You guys weren’t meant to be, it’s as simple as that, and I can’t make any kind of excuse for his shitty behavior. I think you knew that trying to get a guy like Cody to commit to you wasn’t exactly an easy task.”

  “You think I was too pushy?”

  “Oh no, you don’t, Abigail! You are not about to pull that crap with me, no way. You were way too good for him and everyone knows it. Including Cody”

  I lift a shoulder meekly, feeling as though the words she is saying are true, but they still can’t penetrate through the insane amount of guilt I’m starting to feel. “It’s not even just about him being flaky though. It wasn’t only about the commitment issues…he just didn’t want me. He didn’t think I was good enough for him.”

  Shay quickly stands up, half-dragging me up with her as she places a hand on my shoulder, keeping us both steady. “He knows that you are too good for him, and that’s why he thought it was okay to ghost you like that. He thought ‘well since everyone knows that I’m a piece of shit boyfriend to Abigail, why not live up to the title?’ Plus, he probably couldn’t commit to buying a brand-new pair of shoes without trying on every pair in the damn store. That’s just the type of guy he is, Abi. You can’t let yourself feel guilty about any of this.”

  I slowly slide back down onto the couch, my head feeling like it’s stuffed with cotton, Shay’s statements having a hard time making it through the muffled mess. Yeah, I definitely should’ve just closed the curtains and called it a night earlier when I had the chance.

  “And before you tell me that you’re going to need some time away from everyone to draw up into your little shell here,” she says, gesturing to my apartment, “I got this for you.” She hands me my paycheck from Dandies, the florist shop we both work in.

  “I can’t even take a couple days off tomorrow?”

  The corner of her mouth quirks up but she shakes her head. “You need to come back to work, babe. You need to move on with your life, and the sooner the better. I know you. If I leave you to your own devices, you’ll just lie around in your bed and go through about seven or eight different pints of Ben & Jerry’s. At least if you go to work you’ll be distracting. Plus, nothing says ‘fuck him’ quite like moving on and still getting paid,” she adds, holding up her hands.

  I sigh. “I guess, and I appreciate your concern for the wellbeing of my chunky thighs. I will go back to work... Soon.”

  That seems to satisfy her as she gives me a quick nod, but then her expression clouds over once again. “I’m not gonna be able to stay, babe. I promised my mom I’d pick up Jasmine from her ballet class today. But there’s one more thing I wanted to chat with you about before I go.” She takes a deep breath and grabs my hand as if this information could change the world. And I thought I was being dramatic.

  “Cody is an idiot, and I think we both know how terrible he is about making a rash decision and then immediately regretting it. He jumps into things without thinking, and he’s flakier than my gramma’s homemade biscuits. And he knows how to easily appeal to you, especially since you’re so sweet and wear your heart on your sleeve. So when the jerk does start sniffing around again, trying to get back with you, just remember how much better your life will be without him in it. Okay? Can you just please promise me, Abi?”

  The worst part is that I can’t even get mad at her for saying this…she knows me better than anyone else, and she knows how bad I am at holding a grudge. It sucks, but I have to admit that she’s right. “I promise,” I whisper, shame blooming across my freckled cheeks.

  Pulling me into a hug, Shay squeezes me and lets go, giving me one more smile. “Okay. I’ll call you to check in with you tomorrow. And uh, I’ll let Dandie know you’ll be out tomorrow, too.”

  Once the door shuts behind my best friend, my shoulders sag. It was a nice little distraction to have her here with me, even though all we did was talk about Cody. But now that I’m alone in my apartment again, the same feelings creep back into my heart, and try as I might, not even my pint of Chunky Monkey can make me feel any better.

  3

  Abigail

  “Ouch,” I hiss. I pull my thumb back and check out yet another fresh puncture from a rogue thorn. It seems that the single roses I’m working with are out to get me today.

  “You all right? That’s the third time today, girl!” Shay calls out from behind the front counter, thanking the customer as she hands her the bouquet of peonies she’s just finished wrapping.

  “No big deal. Guess I’m just not paying enough attention or something…”

  I move on from the roses, having finished taking off the thorns, and look for the nearby ball of twine. The front doorbell chimes as Mrs. Riddle and her shorter, rounder friend Mrs. Johnson come in, cackling like a couple of old hens to each other. As soon as they see me towards the back, their expressions change immediately. It’s like they’ve seen a ghost.

  I can’t help but watch them as they wander around the shop, no doubt waiting for Dandie to come out and have a quick bite to eat with them, gossiping about the town like they usually do. Except this time, I have a feeling I know exactly what they’ll be talking about. Each time I catch them out of the corner of my eye, they’re staring at me, whispering too low for me to hear. Even Shay narrows her eyes in their direction.

  What started out as me being utterly heartbroken a few days ago has led to this crazy sort of rage building up inside of me. Everywhere I go I see people giving me these sad, pitying looks. I’ve even heard people talking about me and Cody, as if what happened between us as anyone else’s business. And the more I see people whispering, gossiping about me, the angrier I get.

  I grip down hard on the back of one of our chairs, trying to hold my tongue. By the time I realize the two older women are walking towards me it’s too late to do anything but just stand here.

  “Oh, Abigail. You poor thing, you. I’m so sorry to hear about… Well, what happened,” Mrs. Riddle begins, reaching out to pat my white-knuckled hand. “I can even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now.”

  “I’m quite all right, actually,” I say through gritted teeth. “Just keeping busy at work.”

  Mrs. Johnson looks as if she is genuinely about to cry, and places her hand over her heart, slowly shaking her head. “Such a brave girl.”

  Are these two for real?

  “Elizabeth! Patricia! I didn’t realize you were already here,” a familiar voice says from behind me. Dandie, our boss, twist her hair into a messy bun on top of her head, looking decades younger than her two friends, and forces a smile in my direction before touching my shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind, hun, I have a new order that just got called in. Would you take a look at it while I’m out with the ladies?”

  I know this is just Dandie trying to rescue me from her meddling friends, and I nod gratefully. “Of course, Dandie. I’ll get right on it. It was nice seeing you,” I say to both Mrs. Riddle and Mrs. Johnson, lying right through my teeth.

  Waiting until the three of them leave the shop, I collapse against t
he chair, trying to calm down. How dare Cody put me through this…all this humiliation! I can guarantee that no one is busy bothering him with pitying looks. No, they save it all for me. I know they’re thinking of me as just some pathetic girl who got stood up at the altar…and I never even made it that far!

  No, what I really want to do is march my butt straight over to the Mayor’s office, climb up on top of his desk and scream at the top of my lungs how much better off I’ll be without his stupid son of my life. I want to tell him what a spineless moron he’s raised.

  I snatch the new floral order off the clipboard and take a look at it, sighing. It’s an anniversary bouquet from Mr. Ventura, one of our favorite customers here. The man treats his wife like an absolute queen, so I don’t find it surprising at all when I see the sheer size of the bouquet. Mr. Ventura would never stand up his wife in any way. Is it too much to ask for someone who would treat me the same way?

  I’m busy in the back when I hear Shay calling for me up front. I peek my head around the corner to see both Jared and Jamie standing on the opposite side of the street outside the diner. I groan to myself as they look around before crossing over. The doorbell chimes and duck, not feeling ready to face yet more worried expressions and kind words.

  “We know you’re back there,” one of them…probably Jamie, says loudly, eliciting a giggle from Shay, my obviously very traitorous best friend. “So you might as well come out.”

  I slowly make my way into view, getting hit with the full force of their presence. As hard as I try, I just can’t stop the butterflies always form in my stomach when I see them. I can’t stop the heat I feel in places that should currently be withering given my circumstances. I want to smile because, despite being identical even down to their birthmarks, they still manage to differentiate themselves so naturally. Jared’s hair is messy and his shirt untucked. Jamie’s hair is styled and his clothes are all neatly ironed. I love that I can tell them apart so easily. It makes that fact that I’ve always had a huge crush on both of them at the same time feel less weird. They might be twins, but they are obviously two very different people.