HUGE STEPS

by Stephanie Brother

  By the time we’re out the door again, my chest feels tighter than ever before. Once we make it to the sidewalk that leads up to her apartment building, I stop, needing to get it out. “What the hell are we going to do, Jared?”

  18

  Abigail

  I've already lost count of how many times I've had to go to the bathroom, so when Jamie shows up on my doorstep with his arms full of groceries to stock up my apartment, I'm pretty sure my heart melts into a puddle. One less thing for me to have to deal with even though the thought of food right now makes me want to chuck up everything inside me.

  "You so did not have to do all this," I say, trying to keep it together long enough to thank him for all the help. "It's just this whole morning sickness thing. I sorta always thought it was something that most women just played up, but no way. It's here and it is real," I sigh. "So, really, thank you. I don't think I'm able to go very far on my own without some kind of barf bag."

  He makes a face as he starts unloading the items. "It's fine. I feel for you. I fucking hate being sick to my stomach, almost as much as Jared."

  I lift a brow at him, opening the refrigerator to put away the milk. "Oh yeah?"

  "Yep. If Jared even thinks he has a stomachache coming on he'll start flipping out, getting all sweaty and weird. It's kind of funny, actually."

  The corner of his mouth quirks up, and I know that he loves revealing less than admirable traits about his brother, in an effort to level the so-called 'playing field.' But in reality, they're as equal to me as can be.

  So equal in fact, that barely an hour passes before I get a text from Jared, asking me if I have a massage parlor preference.

  "A what?" I ask as soon as I hear his calm 'Hi, Abi,' on the phone. "I don't really have a massage parlor. I've gone literally once, and it was because my dad gave me a discount code for a hot stone massage, like, three years ago."

  "Are you familiar with Serenity Holistic Spa Center? I've read plenty of good reviews about it. They have a specific masseuse who handles all the prenatal massages there. You're off on Thursday and Saturday this week, right?" I can hear him flipping through pages of paper, the scratching of his pencil near the phone.

  "Well, yeah, but...wait. Aren't prenatal massages for women who are very obviously pregnant and have to be careful with traditional massages?" So what, I read a book or three about pregnancy in the past week...?

  Jared's quiet for a moment. "If that's true, that's okay. At least you'll have plenty of practice sessions. I think if we book multiple appointments we can get you a pretty good discount..."

  And that's just the beginning between the two of my boys.

  One day Jamie's getting me way too many groceries and Jared's booking way too many massage appointments...the next, they're both over at my apartment, the sound of various hammering going on.

  "This window needs to have the screen replaced. What if the baby climbs up and pushes through it? They'll fall out!" Jared calls out, his hands already prying the screen from its spot on the window sill's track.

  "But Jared...I live on the first floor," I reply, watching him and shaking my head.

  At the other end of the house, Jamie's fixing a closet door that gets stuck when you try to shut it.

  "It won't take too much more than some good ol' WD-40, and some re-adjusting the door hinge brackets. No big deal." The busy sound of his electric drill and the stench of WD-40 oil hits me right in the stomach, and I barely have a chance to say much else before I'm running to the bathroom, glad that he seems to have it together.

  On and on it goes all week, until I have to beg them not to try and do something ridiculous like reupholstering my furniture. I'm not even all that surprised when Jared stares longingly at the dark brown sofa.

  "But a lighter color would show less baby spit-up..."

  I nearly leap for joy when I see Shay's pretty face gracing my doorway. After dealing with the twins all week, I’m definitely ready for some girl time.

  "It's still weird," Shay admits, looking me up and down as she tosses her purse over the chair. "I keep forgetting that you're pregnant."

  I bite my lip, suddenly feeling a little insecure. "But...I mean, it's not like...bad, or—"

  "Oh, no, girl. It's not that at all!" She takes my hands in hers, smiling at me gently. "You know I'll be here for you through everything, whether you do decide to you know...go through with the pregnancy, or not."

  I'm a little shocked—shocked enough that my hands drop out of hers. "What? Of course, I'm going through with it, Shay!"

  She nods slowly, something very obviously on her mind.

  "What? What is it?" My heart starts to race uncontrollably. I don't want my best friend thinking that I'm making a mistake. It’s hard enough trying to keep my own worries in check.

  "I got you, but you know...you'd do well to have a real serious talk with the, uh...two possible fathers. Make sure you're all on the same page, you know?"

  I know Shay's heart is in the right place, and even though I'm still debating if I'm even ready for that talk, deep down, I know she's right.

  --

  It takes me a full five minutes to finally work up the nerve to text Jared and Jamie and invite them over. It takes less than five minutes though, before they're walking through my door, both clearly on the edges of their seats. I can feel their nervousness even on the other side of the room.

  "I've asked you to come over because I think I’m ready to talk about this…" my voice trails off. The corner of my t-shirt crumples in my hands as I twist it, and I take in a good, deep breath. "I don’t know how you feel, but to be honest, it won’t make any difference. I'm keeping the baby…I can’t do anything different, to be honest. I know I can’t expect either of you to do anything in this situation…I mean, I don’t even know which of you is the father but…I would really appreciate your support if you’re willing to offer it.”

  Jamie nearly jumps up from his spot on the sofa. "Of course we want to help!"

  "It should go without saying, Jared adds softly. "Whatever you need, Abi."

  It's like having this huge stone lifted right off my chest. I didn't realize I needed to hear them say this so badly. The pit of my stomach loosens up, and I release the breath I’m holding. "Good. Great." I smile. "I'm glad we're all going to figure out this thing together."

  In an instant, Jared and Jamie are on either side of me, looking so hopeful that it sends a sharp pang right through my chest. The grins on their faces warm my heart and tears spring to my eyes. I’ve been trying to be brave but in truth, I’m so damn scared about everything that going to happen next. Growing this baby. Bringing it into the world. Raising it and facing the shock and disapproval of the whole town. Potentially being disowned by my father and stepmother when they find out…

  “Oh god,” I gasp. “What am I going to tell people?”

  “We’ve got a while to work that out, Abi.” Jared says. “You need to focus on keeping yourself healthy and strong and growing this baby the best you can. Don’t worry about anything else.”

  "We'll be the best goddamn dads a kid's ever had, you better believe it," Jamie laughs and I can’t help but smile. Over the past week, I’ve imagined all sorts; raising this child by myself, raising this child with one of the twins, raising it with both. Whichever way I looked at the situation, I couldn’t find an option that made me truly happy. On my own, I’d struggle to cope. Single parents just have it so tough and I don’t think I’m strong enough to do the kind of job that Natalie, the twins mom, did. Being with just one of my stepbrothers would mean I’d always feel that something was missing. Being with both of them would leave us all potentially scorned and ostracized. Jamie’s excitement is so sweet but I just don’t have it in me to feel that way yet.

  I settle back on the cushion, needing to stretch out my stomach before I risk heaving again. For the briefest moment, I imagine Jamie and Jared taking turns holding a flailing bundle wrapped in a warm baby blanket, tiny toes stickin
g out at one end, tiny red tufts of hair crowning a small head at the other. My dad always said that any kid of mine would absolutely have to have my carrot-top.

  And just like that, the dream burns off into ashes in my mouth. Dad.

  "What will our parent’s say," I say softly, still trying to shake the taste from my mouth.

  This wipes the smiles right off their faces, and for good reason, too. My dad isn't just some guy who wants the best for his little girl, and so on. He's what plenty of people have described as a 'hard-ass.' In fact, I had to physically go over to the house and order him not to go after Cody once he found out that Cody really did dump me on the night of our engagement party. I'd never seen so many veins threatening to burst from someone's forehead before.

  Jared and Jamie look even more worried, probably imagining the same thing I am.

  "It might be beneficial for us to keep all this quiet. At least for now," Jared suggests as Jamie grinds his jaws together.

  It'll be hard to do for sure, but maybe it won't be so difficult with the two of them on my side. I consider my feelings for them together. I stop pushing back at the same conclusion I’ve had, ever since our first night together, and I let my feelings run free inside my mind, finally.

  The truth is that I truly do care for them, even without the whole baby situation going on, but I don't want to have to choose between them and I definitely don't want to cause any friction between either. "We could co-parent, right? That's a thing people do when they’re in somewhat similar situations. I've been reading about it in one of the books I picked up." I hate hearing how tiny my voice sounds. So hopeful, like I'm teetering on the edge of a huge cliff and trying not to fall.

  Jamie tilts his head to the side, considering me slowly. "But why would we have to do that?"

  "What Jamie means is that we don't have to necessarily go the co-parenting route." Jared quickly adds, looking back over my head at his brother. "We've already told you...we both have feelings for you, Abi. All we want is for you to be happy, and of course, for the baby to be healthy and safe. You both need us, honey. I know it’s unconventional, but what does that matter, really? Families aren’t just mom and pop and two kids anymore."

  Jared makes it sound so easy. I look between them and I believe they are ready to make the most of our situation, and willing to be with me, really be with me through all of it. But none of their hopefulness will make any difference when it comes to Dad and Natalie. This news is going to be like a bomb exploding, and if I was the subject of gossip because of what happened with Cody, imagine what people will say about me now. My cheeks flush with the imagined shame.

  The tears quickly slip down my face before I have a chance to wipe at them as these overwhelming emotions I've been holding in overtake me in one go. I feel so torn between the relief that bubbles inside me and the dread. Jamie pulls me against his broad chest stroking my tears away. Jared kneels in front of me, stroking my legs in comfort.

  "It's okay, we can figure this out, Abi. You don't have to cry." Jamie’s fingers brush my cheek. His face is so close to mine I can feel the warmth of his breath gust over my skin. He feels big and strong and good; all the things I need to make me feel safe in this time of uncertainty. I don’t think either of us intends for our lips to meet the way they do. This is what got us all into this situation. Irrational behavior. Putting our desires before our common sense. I know this but it doesn’t stop how my heart craves to feel their closeness. It doesn’t stop my need for their strength to surround me.

  I reach for Jared’s hand and tug him so that he’s back on the sofa behind me. His lips kiss my neck so gently I shiver, as Jamie’s mouth softly nibbles until I’m almost boneless with the sensation.

  I need them.

  I need them so much more than I let myself feel at first, and it's all crushing me under its weight.

  I bury my hands in Jamie's hair, not caring how messy and wet my face is from the crying, and when I’ve kissed him enough that he knows exactly how I’m feeling, I turn and do the same to Jared.

  “It’s okay,” Jamie says softly. “We’ve got you, baby.”

  It takes time for them to touch me. Time for them to feel that I want it and that they’re not overstepping. It’s crazy that we’re all so tentative after the night that made the baby who’s nestling in my womb. When they do, it’s as though my body comes to life. The sickness is gone, replaced with a hunger for my stepbrothers that scares me. Cody taught me that it’s foolish to rely on anyone and now I’m expecting two men to stand by me through such a tough situation.

  “You’re so beautiful, Abi,” Jared whispers gruffly. My fingers have messed his hair and his eyes look sleepy with desire. He brings me back with his words and all I can do is push aside my fears to be in the moment. No matter what I do now, there’s no changing anything that has come before.

  These are the days to enjoy while we still can. To be free to be with each other without the judgment of the outside world. I want to feel that way with them while I can for as long as we have.

  Someone's fingers fumble for the hem of my shirt, working their hand across my ribs and over the thing fabric of my bra and I don’t say no. It's so much to be pressed between them, their mouths hot and needy on my skin.

  I let the tears flow, tired of holding back any longer, and my boys don't seem to mind as Jared carries me into my bedroom, laying me down a little too carefully for my taste.

  "I'm not going to break," I whisper, raking my nails over his broad, muscular back. “Don’t treat me as though I’m fragile.”

  A baby will change a lot, but this was ours before we even knew.

  I take another shaky breath as Jared removes my panties and presses his mouth between my legs. Jamie's mouth kisses my neck over and over, his hands finding my breasts, caressing them gently.

  They please me until I can’t take anymore. Until I’m lost in a haze of hopes and dreams.

  This could be the way it always is. I could love them and they could love me. Our baby would be lucky to have three hearts to own.

  I climb higher, nearing an orgasm that feels as though it will break me open, but when it comes it they hold me rooted in the present.

  Beautiful, they say. Perfect.

  Words that fill me and make me whole.

  They listen, they pay attention, and understand what I need. I cling on tightly to both of them, forgetting the worry that has consumed my mind, ignoring the tiny voice telling me to be prepared for the consequences.

  I don't listen to it tonight.

  I can’t.

  19

  Jared

  Abi’s sleeping, her hair a tangled coppery mess on the pillow.

  I meet Jamie’s gaze, the unspoken agreement to slip out of bed and talk about what just went down, already in the air.

  Tossing a towel to him, I pull another one around my own waist and follow him into the small living room, hopefully out of earshot from Abi. The floor creaks like a warning to us, and we both freeze, listening to make sure she's still breathing softly and evenly before we sit down.

  This isn't like the last time, where my adrenaline was steadily pumping, pushing me for more of Abi, for another shot of her straight to the heart. This is different. Man, when they say babies change everything, they really mean it.

  Jamie settles back further into the couch and crosses his arms—his defensive move. It's like he's trying to brace himself for whatever else is about to happen.

  "So that just happened. Again."

  The clock on the wall loudly ticks the seconds as I think of what to say. "There goes taking everything slow, I guess." It was something Jamie and I have brought up here and there over the past week...ever since Abi told us she was pregnant. We didn't want to overwhelm her with our feelings, especially since we had no idea what she planned on doing. Taking it slow and easy with her was supposed to be the first step in making this all work. At least, that was the original idea. But now? Looking at the space that separates me a
nd my brother, I know the truth. We're in it. For life. Taking it slow or not, it won't matter to us.

  But that's if everything else lines up just right, too. Including Abi's actions and words. "Can we really do this, though?" I whisper hoarsely, not at all surprised by the way my throat tightens up around the thought. "We're talking next-level kind of stuff, here, Jamie. This isn't just sharing some random wild drunken night with a girl, and then leaving the next morning. The sex is one thing, sure, but this is serious. This goes beyond just the night. It spans from now until forever. This is making a family work, no matter what."

  At least Jamie considers my words for more than a nano-second before shaking his head. "Look, I get it, Jared. We already know all that. And if we ever wanted to have this…this whole family thing on our own...I don't know, man. We've gotta face the facts, here. Anytime one of us is dating someone, it always creates a big problem. It's irritating as hell when someone pulls us apart because you and I both know we've always been too close and too jealous. Remember when you were dating Andrea a few years ago? She complained that I was always around and thought it was creepy or something. Then Hazel...she had the balls to tell you to your face that you needed to back the hell off so she could fuck me in my room whenever she felt like it. We don't want more of that shit, Jared. This whole thing? It fits like a fucking puzzle piece, no matter how weird it may seem to anyone outside looking in. Doesn't it just...make sense?" he points out, pleading with me.

  "Do you think you can deal with not knowing which of us is the father?"

  I don't know why I keep thinking up every worse-case-scenario here. Maybe I'm just projecting all my worries, hoping Jamie can come up with a decent solution. My gut twists, reminding me that things don't always go as planned. I can't imagine a world where Jamie and I resent each other—it's impossible. Trying to imagine a world without Abi in my arms at night cuts like a sharp blade.