by C D Cain
Gentry placed her finger over Sam’s lips. “Shhhh,” she whispered. “I need a new memory. Please, lie down.”
Sam’s eyes were lost of comprehension. They were confused and misguided.
Gentry kissed her again as she had in the bathroom. Sam fell hopelessly into everything the kiss told her. “Please,” Gentry whispered, “lie down.”
Feeling vulnerable yet safe in the way Gentry held her with her eyes, Sam laid down on the bed. She watched with anticipation as Gentry started to remove her shirt. She awaited the moment when Gentry would stop undressing to leave some part of herself covered as she usually did most times before. Gentry removed her bra and dropped it on top of her crumbled shirt that lay on the floor. Sam smiled inwardly to herself when she saw the almost healed C-section scar. She held her hand out to Gentry with encouragement for her to come lie with her on the bed.
“Not yet,” Gentry said as she unbuttoned her jeans. She bent over, removed them, and tossed them next to her shirt. Standing in front of Sam in only her underwear made her feel flutters of nervousness in her belly. That is until she looked into the eyes of Sam. In her eyes, she saw Sam’s complete inability or desire to hurt her. She saw acceptance for who she was, even at a time where Sam may not have understood why she felt the way she did. Baby Girl is an example of that. The way Sam doted on her, the way she immediately and unconditionally cared for her, was probably misunderstood when it came to Gentry not feeling the same. Although, she wouldn’t know, as Sam never said anything of it. She accepted it the moment Gentry hinted at the loss of those feelings.
Sam felt a dryness in her throat when Gentry took off the last remaining article of clothing and stood in front of her completely exposed as she was to her. “You’re stunning,” Sam said as she took in a deep breath.
“Ditto.” Gentry smiled and raised her eyebrow. She was pleased with her timing of using one of Sam’s favorite words. Sam smiled too but then bit her bottom lip when Gentry stepped closer to the bed to touch Sam’s ankle. Meticulously, she trickled her fingers over Sam’s skin from her ankle, up her leg to her knee, and around the inside of her knee to her thigh. Sam gasped when Gentry’s fingers dipped in between her thighs. She knew what Gentry was doing to her. Yet, she didn’t know to what degree until Gentry felt it for herself.
Gentry released the breath she was holding and continued to feel Sam. With her eyes closed and her head resting on her shoulders, she murmured, “You feel so good.” It was a sentence, a statement even, that she had not intended to express out loud. It was a verbal expression not suppressed because tonight, for maybe this one night, she wanted to feel everything her body felt and more. She didn’t want to remember the past or the things done to her in a bed for love. She wanted to find her own definition of that word. Right now, with this woman who was giving herself without reservation to her, she wanted to do the same. So yes, it did feel so good.
A sound somewhere between a grunt and moan escaped Sam’s lips when she began to move her hips with the sensation of Gentry inside of her. The sound caused Gentry to quickly open her eyes.
“Not like this,” Gentry said.
Sam shook reality back into her head. “Wait. What?”
Gentry climbed on top of Sam to feel their bodies touching at every point of surface contact. She let some of her body weight rest on her elbows above Sam who gently tucked the fallen hair from the side of her face over her ears one by one. The blue and green eyes searched each other’s for words not yet spoken.
With nervousness breaking her voice, Gentry said, “There are things I want to say to you. Things I want you to know I feel.” Her head dropped. “But I’ve never been able to find the words to say them and I’ve never said them before.”
Sam placed her finger under Gentry’s chin and softly lifted it. “It’s okay. There’s nothing you have to say. I see more than you know in those beautiful eyes of yours.” Delicately, she kissed her.
“But you,” Gentry kissed her back, “deserve for them to be said.”
“You’ve given me all I’ve ever needed. You saved me.” Sam’s eyes expanded and then closed when Gentry kissed her again. It was the same type of kiss she had given her in the bathroom. It was full of expression. Their lust-filled kisses didn’t harbor a tenth of what these kisses were doing to Sam. Her chest expanded with need to fill as Gentry continued to steal her breath.
Gentry raised up on her elbows again and studied Sam’s eyes. She ran her thumb over her bottom lip. “I wonder who saved who.” She kissed her again and then abruptly shifted her weight down to Sam’s chest.
“What are you doing? Where are you going?”
Gentry began to kiss Sam’s breast. She ran her tongue over the top of her nipple that rose to meet her lips. “I told you. There’s something I need you to know.”
“But…”
Her words were stopped with a finger placed over her lips. Gentry lightly tapped it once across her lips before cupping her hand over Sam’s breast. She felt the suppleness to it within her hand. Again, Sam let out the same sound when she pushed in her nipple with her finger as she continued to knead it.
Sam shifted her weight with a vulnerable nervous energy as Gentry trailed kisses down her stomach. It became increasingly more difficult to breathe when Gentry nestled her body in between her legs. At first, Sam didn’t open her eyes. She couldn’t. She was afraid she would utterly collapse if she looked at Gentry. She was afraid to let herself feel that again. It was as if every bit of her power to control her feelings for someone again would be stripped from her the moment she looked down her body to see Gentry there. This was not sex. This was not lust. This…was more.
She felt a feathery touch of a kiss and opened her eyes to Gentry who was looking directly at her. A sweep of Gentry’s tongue caught her breath even more. She held it tightly with each touch of Gentry’s mouth upon her, in her. Their eyes remained locked. Gentry’s arms slid underneath Sam’s thighs as she brought her deeper into her mouth. A single tear slid from the sides of each of Sam’s eyes. This…was more.
Who saved who? The thought played over and over in Gentry’s head as she explored Sam. With each sensation of Sam upon her tongue, the thought grew in strength. This was unlike other times of intimacy, whether consensual or not, in Gentry’s life. This wasn’t sex. She knew that. She wanted that. She felt the vulnerability of Sam. She tasted it on her tongue. The truth in Sam. The heart and soul of this woman who was meant to be a fork in her planned path. With each movement of her tongue, she felt over and over the truth of Sam and what she meant to her. Her brain fought the word. Her memories kept it locked in some vault of pain and despair. Not anymore. The word—the one she could not say. The one that had been scarred from a past that had molded her but not defined her. This right here. This in the safety of blue in the eyes she held. This was love. Love. She didn’t say the word. The word didn’t come from her mouth. Yet the mere sound of it in her head seemed to cause an explosion within a chamber of her heart to course through her body like a flame. With every feeling it left in her, she made love to Sam.
The intensity of feelings strengthened as Sam began to move in sync with her. Sam searched for Gentry’s hands until they were locked together as their eyes remained. With a moan rising from her belly and slowly traveling upward, Sam released. Their hands tightened their grip as her body let go against Gentry. Sam blinked rapidly to clear the tears from her eyes. She looked up at the ceiling to try to gain some sense of composure. It was lost when Gentry laid her head against Sam. The dampness of a trail of tears traveled down the skin of Sam’s thigh.
Chapter 27
The coldness of the sheets against Sam’s bare body slowly began to awaken her from her restful sleep. She scooted over onto the other side of the bed to warm herself against Gentry’s body. She was nearly to the edge of the bed before she woke up enough to realize she was alone. She stretched underneath the covers, p
ulled the comforter up to her chin, and curled into a ball. A smile crept across her face with the vision of the night before. At some point, they must have separated after she had fallen asleep with Gentry’s body tucked into hers. Thanksgiving had been perfect. The sadness that always lurked just below the surface was starting to finally dissipate. It had hung over the holiday season like a swollen storm cloud billowing over with the darkness of impending rain, especially Thanksgiving. Two years ago, she had experienced a true family Thanksgiving with Rayne. The last was with Rayne as she said goodbye to Memaw. Nothing about Thanksgiving felt good to her anymore. Nothing excited her or made her look forward to the holiday. Until now, that is. She would have a new meaning of a family Thanksgiving. It would be her family Thanksgiving. She had her mom who had become a mother again since her divorce. She had Gentry who could not use words to tell her she loved her but who had shown her in the way she made love to her the night before. And she had Baby Girl who had innocently come into her life to become a reason she woke up excited for the day. Immediately, her thoughts went to the day Baby Girl would go to her new family. Her mother was right. That day may be a wound she would not heal. She inhaled deeply, stretched once more, and decided she would swallow her insecurities. She would have the discussion about Baby Girl she had wanted to have since the first time she held her. It was not her decision to make but she was a part of them now. She would not easily forgive herself if she failed to even try to keep Baby Girl with them.
“Is that coffee I smell?” Sam asked as she came out of the bedroom.
“It is.” Quinn sat alone on the couch. “Why don’t you get a cup and come sit with me?”
“Okay.” Sam looked around the condo as she walked to the open kitchen. “Where’s Gentry and Beeg?”
Quinn took a swallow of coffee but didn’t answer.
Sam set her cup down on the counter. Its clink against the stone countertop was even louder in the silence of the space. Sam heard nothing. She started to walk from the kitchen into her bedroom.
“Don’t go in there.” Quinn set her cup down on the coffee table and stood up. “Please, Sam. I’m asking you to come sit with me.”
“Mother, just wait a second. Where is Gentry and Beeg first? Tell me where they are.” Sam’s hand rested on the doorknob. She did not tighten its grip or turn the knob to open it. She knew they were not on the other side of the door. She knew. “Mom?” Her voice cracked.
Quinn walked around the back of the couch to stand with her arms stretched out to Sam.
Sam shook her head and swallowed the lump in her throat that she had in no way anticipated would come on this morning. “No.” Her voice squeaked out. “Please, Mom, no.”
Quinn’s arms shook in the air but were held firmly for her daughter to fall into them. The sound of her sniffle sent Sam running into her arms. She held her daughter as tightly as she could. She rocked her to soothe her in any way possible. Her tears wet Sam’s hair. She had not seen her baby’s heartbreak with her own eyes. She had heard her voice on the phone. She had felt the pain in it, but to see it with her own eyes…to watch Gentry walk out of the door…it was more than she thought she was capable of handling.
Sam collapsed in her mother’s arms. She felt her body struggle to keep the two of them upright. With Rayne, she had a sense of what was to come. She tried to tell herself differently but as the distance between them grew with Memaw’s passing, she knew. It was a slow goodbye. But this was without warning. There were no signs she had seen. Yesterday was one of the best days she had in years. Last night was more than she had ever imagined she would feel with someone again. This morning, she had awakened to her own family waiting for her. This was her time to be happy. Her knees buckled. Quinn strengthened her arms. Sam’s tears turned into gasps of breath with the intensity of her sobs.
“Shhhh. Wait, sweetheart. We still need to talk.” Quinn rubbed her back with the palm of her hand. “Shhh,” she said again. “You’ll wake the baby.”
Sam sharply pulled away from her mother’s embrace. “The baby? What do you mean the baby?”
Quinn held Sam’s hand and walked her to the couch. She urged Sam to sit. “Sit with me,” she said as she sat down. She pulled Sam’s hand into her lap and softly caressed it as she spoke. “You have a big decision to make, my sweet girl. Gentry’s gone. She left early this morning.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up or come get me?”
“Could you have stopped her?”
Sam looked out into the fully risen sun as it shone over the ocean. She shook her head no.
“No, you couldn’t have, and if you had, it would’ve only been until the next time she left. She told me she chose now so that I could be here with you. She didn’t want to leave you alone because she knew it would be hard on you. She cares deeply for you.”
“I know,” Sam acknowledged quietly. Her tears continued to wet her cheeks.
Quinn wiped them with a cloth and then tucked it into Sam’s other hand. “I don’t know that I’ve seen anyone love my daughter more than her.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She loves you enough to leave. She sees how much you love Baby Girl. Gentry had to go so she could stay. It was the most unselfish act I’ve witnessed in all of my years. She thought that losing the baby would’ve been a hurt you would’ve felt your whole life. She told me to tell you that some hurts don’t heal.” When Sam looked up at her, Quinn finished. “I’m here with you for as long as you need or want.” Quinn picked up an envelope from the coffee table and held it up. “She left this for you. I’m assuming it’s all in here, but I can tell you what she told me. Or you can read it from her.”
Sam nodded her head toward the envelope but didn’t take it. “Tell me.”
“She thought you were better than she to decide the family for Baby Girl. You had cared for her. Comforted her.” Quinn patted Sam’s hand. “Loved her. She thought it was right to let you decide. But, she hoped you would choose yourself for her mother.”
Sam looked up. “What?”
“As I said, she sees you two belonging together. But only if it’s what you want.”
“Me? I’m not a mother.”
“To Baby Girl you are. You’re the mother she has known all her life.” Quinn sighed. “Sweetheart, this is so very hard. So, so hard. I didn’t know how I would possibly find the strength you need. I’ve been sitting here on this couch trying to think of everything I could say or what I could do before you opened that door. I think I’m failing miserably. There just aren’t the perfect words for times like these. Forgive me if what I’m about to say is wrong or not what you need to hear right now, but this is the best I’ve come up with.” She ran her finger across Sam’s. “I wasn’t a good mother to you. I wasn’t. I wake up in the middle of the night with this crushing pain of regret for devoting my life to my husband and not my daughter. You’ve grown up to be a remarkable woman all on your own. You don’t need me now. I’ve missed my chance to make it up to you by being a good mother. But, if it’s what you want, if you decide to make this Baby Girl’s home, I will be the best grandmother I can for her. I won’t let you two down. It’s your decision to make. It may very well be the biggest you’ve so far had to make, but I’m here.”
Sam blinked several times.
“Gentry has all of the paperwork completed for whatever decision you make. She left it with her doctor. If you decide it’s too much or you’re not ready for this, she has a family picked out.” Quinn lifted the letter again. “I think she explains it in here.”
This time, Sam took it.
The campsite looked twice its size without Big Blue parked in its center. Sam stood in the square of northeastern coastal sand absent of the home that had once occupied its space. There was no sign of Gentry anywhere along the shore. Sam knew that was exactly how she meant it to be. She reached in her coat pocket and pulled out the envelope
with her name written across the front. She ran her fingers over the writing before pulling out the letter.
Sam,
A part of me thinks you know why you are reading this letter. You know me unlike anyone has in my life. For months, I had wondered why it was you who had come into my life. The minute I thought I figured it out, something would change to show me I hadn’t. Then I realized there were probably many reasons why my path crossed yours. In the last few weeks, I’ve seen the most important one. It’s Baby Girl. I can’t tell you how many adoptive parent files I read in trying to find the home for her I never had. Not one felt right. Not because they didn’t seem to be a good family but because it just didn’t seem to fit. In the last couple of weeks, it came to me. She’s meant to be with you and you with her. You’ve already bonded, Sam. I see it in both of your eyes. Now, I believe our journey together was so you two could be together. I do hope you see it too and want to take this next step on your path. If you don’t, I’ve arranged for another family with Dr. Waggoner. Call her and she will do the rest. Please believe that I would not place this burden on you if I didn’t believe to my core you were meant to be her mother.
Please believe I did try to stay with you. I wanted to stay and have so many more adventures with you. But Baby Girl deserves you more than me. If I couldn’t stay with you both, then it was time for me to step aside so she could have you. I know this letter will hurt you. That my leaving will hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. Ever! I hope one day you’ll understand why I left and you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. Sam, I am so thankful for you in my life. For you walking into the diner when you did. I’ll never look at a BLT the same again. Actually, I’ll never look at life the same way again. You’ve brought light and love into the darkest part of my soul. I told you once not to fall in love with me. I didn’t listen to those words either. I love you, Sam. Because of you, I know how love truly feels.
