Lying with one leg over his, she stretched and yawned.
‘Should you be going to work now?’ she asked once again.
Jonathan stared at the ceiling, an unfamiliar sight in daylight. The arguments of the day before weighed heavily on him. ‘I suppose I should. It’s still my factory for the time being and Edward will most likely not be there.’
‘Then shouldn’t you be going to see Edward instead?’ Aurelia rolled on to her side and gave him a stern look.
Jonathan clenched his fist, gripping the coverlet between his fingers. ‘No. There is nothing I want to say to him, or that he could say to me.’
‘I think you’re wrong,’ Aurelia said, ‘And I think you know it.’
She lay on her belly and lifted herself on to her elbows as she looked at him. Her hair fell forward over her breasts, but Jonathan could still see the outline of them.
‘You remind me of a Sphinx, lying like that.’
She giggled, then grew serious. ‘Don’t think to distract me,’ she cautioned. ‘But if you like, here is a riddle for you: what creature has the magnificent member of a bull and the obstinacy of a donkey?’
Jonathan pouted. ‘I assume the answer should be myself, so I don’t know whether to thank you for your flattery or be incensed at your insult, Aurelia.’
‘Both,’ she said with a smirk. ‘If you are going to be so pig-headed as to ignore a decade or more of friendship, then you are the biggest fool in the British Empire and beyond.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Jonathan growled. Despite his genuine irritation he liked this new boldness. If that had grown from sharing his bed, he would have to ensure she did it more frequently.
‘You don’t have to talk about it,’ Aurelia said. ‘You just have to think about it and come to the decision that you know is fair and sensible.’
She leaned into him closer and stroked his cheek as if a soft touch could take the edge off her words. It worked, too, damn it all!
‘I don’t deny Edward was wrong to keep the knowledge a secret, but at least think of the years of friendship between you. They are worth more than this argument, surely?’
She looked past him and her hand grew stiff on his shoulder.
‘Where did you get that?’
Jonathan leaned round, wondering what she was referring to, and saw the likeness that Cassandra had done. It had been caught in the thin sunlight that had made its way across the room.
‘Your sister gave it to me on Christmas Day,’ he answered. ‘She had promised it to me on our wedding day.’
‘I didn’t realise you had spent time alone talking.’ Aurelia’s fingers tightened, her nails biting into Jonathan’s shoulder. Her face was full of fury and he had no doubt she was unaware of causing him pain. He was bewildered at her reaction.
‘Are you angry Cassandra and I spoke about it?’ Jonathan asked.
Aurelia looked away. ‘She had no right to give you that. It wasn’t done for you!’
‘Why does it matter?’ Jonathan asked. ‘It’s a very good likeness of you. You look beautiful in it.’
‘It wasn’t done for you,’ Aurelia repeated quietly. She pressed her lips together until the pressure whitened them. Her eyes misted.
‘Who was it done for?’ Jonathan asked gently.
She shook her head and climbed over Jonathan, out of the bed, and began rummaging among the discarded clothes for her shift.
‘Aurelia!’ Jonathan said sharply. ‘Talk to me, please.’
She pulled her shift over her head and gave him a weary look, shaking her head. Jonathan sat up and swung his legs over the bed, pulling the sheet across his lower half.
‘Cassandra told me to keep it a secret from you. She said it would upset you, but I didn’t really believe her.’
‘And yet you have it on display on your dressing table,’ Aurelia exclaimed, throwing her hand towards the picture.
‘I never expected you to come in here,’ Jonathan pointed out. He didn’t want to admit how many nights he had lain looking at her image and wishing she was beside him.
She lowered her hand. ‘I suppose not. It doesn’t matter. It was something I wasn’t expecting to see again and surprised me.’
It had done more than surprise her; she had been distressed and angry in equal measure. Jonathan let the sheets fall away as he stood and put his hands on her shoulders, trying not to be conscious of his nakedness.
‘I want to understand why it upset you. I know so little about you even after months of marriage and I’m beginning to regret that. Why did you even agree to marry me?’
Her lips twisted into a wry smile. ‘We have been married five months and you’ve only just thought to ask me that.’
He felt abashed. ‘I suppose it never occurred to me to ask you outright.’
Aurelia began picking up her clothes and laying them on the bed. Her movements were so determinedly casual he could tell immediately she was avoiding the subject. ‘You know why. Because Father wouldn’t sell you the land otherwise and I wanted you to have it.’
‘That can’t have been the only reason,’ Jonathan said. He took her hand. ‘I told you about my mother’s marriage last night, things I’ve never revealed to anyone else. Will you tell me the truth about this now?’
She gave him a long look. ‘Promise me you will go see Edward and I will tell you.’
Jonathan raised his eyes. ‘A secret and a promise in return for an explanation! That isn’t a fair exchange.’
‘But it is my offer,’ Aurelia answered.
‘Very well, then,’ Jonathan said. ‘Tell me now and I will go directly to Edward’s house afterwards. I swear it.’
Aurelia sat on the edge of the bed and stretched her legs out in front of her, curling her toes into the thick rug.
‘We moved back here suddenly as you know. I never told you why we had to leave Oxfordshire and I assume the rumours haven’t followed us.’
‘Weren’t your father’s gambling debts the reason you had to move?’ Jonathan asked.
‘It was one of the reasons, but my father is not entirely at fault.’ Aurelia gave him a faint smile. ‘You know, the first time I saw you I thought you had been sent to try to settle his debts. You had such a purposeful air as you strode along the path.’
He hadn’t realised she had been watching him then. ‘Considering I mistook you for a housemaid, I can hardly complain about that.’
‘I was cleaning to try to distract myself,’ Aurelia said. ‘When I moved here my heart was broken. I had been in love with somebody else—deeply in love—but I couldn’t have him. I decided that as I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else and you didn’t require me to love you, I may as well marry you. It would help the family and I didn’t care what happened to my heart.’
‘Who was he?’ Jonathan asked. His stomach contracted with an unwelcome burst of jealousy at the thought that Aurelia had already given her affections elsewhere.
‘It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t have him. I was hurt. We no longer communicate.’
Her voice was as clipped as the statements. He couldn’t bear the pain that was still evident in her voice.
‘Please,’ Jonathan urged. ‘I’d like to know.’
Aurelia’s eyes grew misty. She closed them and turned her head away.
‘He was a student at the university, though he moved in my father’s circle. There was some distant family connection that my father enjoyed parading. Whenever Arthur dined with our family we spoke frequently. I was young and silly and his attention turned my head, I suppose. We grew close and I had hoped he would ask me to marry him. But he couldn’t.’
Arthur. Even hearing the informal use of his name on Aurelia’s lips caused Jonathan more fits of jealousy. Something struck him. ‘Couldn’t, not wouldn’t? Why not?’
‘Because it transpi
red he was already engaged to another woman.’ Aurelia turned to him and shook her head. Her complexion was pale apart from a flush of scarlet that blossomed on each cheek.
‘He already had a fiancée who lived in the town close to his estate, far away from Oxford. They had been engaged since they were both very young. It had been arranged by their parents. Naturally Arthur tried to tell me he was intending to break it off with her, but he had deceived me. When my father discovered the truth he grew furious and cut off all ties between us. He didn’t need to. I would have gladly done it myself if he hadn’t stepped in on my behalf.’
She looked so sad that Jonathan wanted to wrap her in his arms and offer her some comfort.
‘Cassandra’s portrait was meant for him,’ she continued. ‘I told her to destroy it. That was why it was such a shock to see it here.’
Jonathan writhed inwardly. He should have obeyed Cassandra’s instructions and hidden it. He should never have accepted it in the first place.
‘Do you still love him?’ he asked quietly. Why did he care? Why torture himself with hearing the confirmation that his wife longed for another man?
Aurelia shook her head. ‘Not any longer. I trained myself not to. I decided I was done with love and marriage, even though living at Siddon Hall for ever seemed inevitable. When you told me you didn’t need or want me to love you it seemed the perfect solution and I’m so pleased you asked me.’
Her assessment of the circumstances pained Jonathan deeply. He had laid his indifference towards marriage out for her to see and she had grasped it eagerly. She had only married him as a way of building a protective wall around her heart.
He covered her hand with his and gave it a gentle squeeze. Aurelia stared at it for a moment.
‘Excuse me. I really must go dress. I promised to accompany Dora on an errand. You will go see Edward as you promised, won’t you?’
She pulled her hand free from his, gathered her clothes and left the bedroom swiftly with the pile trailing in her arms. Jonathan sank back on the bed as he pondered her words. Yes, he hadn’t required her to love him, but he was finding it hard now to live with the knowledge that she didn’t when he was growing so fond of her in return.
If he hadn’t claimed her, she might in time have met someone she could have loved. More than that, if he’d waited and courted her properly, she might have grown fond enough of him to accept a true proposal.
If he’d known then how his feelings towards Aurelia would grow, would he have ever asked for her hand and risked subjecting himself to this anguish of unrequited love?
He was trapped in a net of his own weaving and it was an unpleasant place to be.
* * *
It was with a weary heart that Jonathan called on Edward. Again he was admitted to the drawing room where Edward lay on the same reading couch under the same blanket. Only the change of smoking jacket for a silk dressing gown showed Edward had moved from his place. His eyes were wary when Jonathan entered the room, but he sat up a little straighter.
‘I hoped you would return,’ Edward said, wheezing slightly. ‘Please take a seat.’
Jonathan folded his arms and remained standing.
‘I didn’t intend to, but Aurelia made me promise to come.’
Edward gave a grunt of satisfaction. ‘She’s a sensible woman.’
Jonathan didn’t reply. So sensible she could train herself to fall out of love? Was it possible she could ever train herself to fall in love, again with Jonathan? That was something to think about another time because now he wanted answers.
‘You promised to protect my mother,’ he said coldly. ‘She came to you for help, thinking she was safe here, but you told my father where we were living.’
Edward rolled his eyes theatrically. ‘Do you think a man such as your father would not have been able to find your mother with or without my help? People cannot just disappear. I gave your mother sanctuary and a home with independence. She never had to work to support herself. I kept her safe through my intervention. Christopher promised never to seek her out, but to support her financially. How many women in her situation could claim to be so lucky?’
Jonathan was silent. He’d seen poor women forced into the factories and workhouses and genteel ladies reduced to taking rooms in boarding houses because their men had abandoned them. It would have been so easy for his mother to end up in the same situation. Edward no doubt spoke sense and had acted with her best interests at heart. Still, it rankled to think that all the time he had believed his progress and achievements had been entirely his own doing. The man he loathed had been the source of his success after all.
‘Why did my father agree to those terms? What influence did you have over him?’
‘Are you sure that is a question you want answered?’ Edward said.
After Aurelia’s revelation Jonathan wasn’t sure he could stand any more secrets being revealed. ‘No,’ he admitted. ‘It isn’t, but if I don’t ask I will always wonder.’
‘Good,’ Edward said. He rang the small silver bell he kept for summoning his maid and called for tea.
‘It is always better to regret something you did rather than something you were never brave enough to do,’ he continued once the girl had departed. ‘But be warned—when I tell you this I fully expect you to turn your face from me and I want you to feel no remorse at doing so.’
‘Was it blackmail?’ Jonathan asked.
Edward regarded him coldly. ‘I have many faults, but resorting to extortion is not one of them.’
Jonathan hung his head.
‘You always believed I loved your mother, didn’t you?’ Edward asked.
Jonathan shrugged noncommittally. Edward gave him a piercing look.
‘You were right, of course I did. Anyone who knew Anne would have loved and admired her.’
Edward reached for his teacup and took a small sip, then a larger one. His hand shook, causing the cup to rattle in the saucer as he replaced it. He put it down and looked Jonathan in the eye.
‘I loved Anne, but I was in love with Christopher.’
Jonathan recoiled and saw the look of pain that flitted across Edward’s face.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Oh, I think you do,’ Edward said. ‘You’re a man of the world, Jonathan, not an innocent babe, and my predilections are hardly unique, as distasteful as they must be to you.’
Jonathan tried not to wrinkle his nose at the thought of what acts Edward referred to. He had long suspected Edward’s tastes were contrary to what nature intended. It was not something that particularly troubled him, but if what Edward was admitting was true, then he was not sure what repelled him more: the confirmation of what at times he had suspected of Edward’s nature, or that the father he loathed was the object of his friend’s love.
‘Why my father?’ he asked.
Edward shrugged. ‘No one chooses who they fall in love with, but the moment Christopher and I laid eyes on each other we both knew. I doubt you would understand, never having experienced that immediate connection to another. The physical reaction is so overwhelming it is almost pure agony, along with the all-consuming need to be in the presence of the object of your affection at all times.’
Jonathan paced around the room, straightening disordered ornaments and newspapers. He hadn’t, had he? He’d glimpsed the edges of such emotions at times with Aurelia. Beyond the need to touch her there was a wild yearning to be more to her than he was and to have even a fraction of his affection returned. Was that love? He suspected it might be. It scared him.
Jonathan sank on to the chair at Edward’s side. The whole tale was overwhelming.
‘It was a tragedy for all three of us. Christopher realised he could never be happy with Anne once he had discovered what true love felt like. Once they returned from Europe he offered to end the marriage, but she declined.’
/> ‘Did she know why he asked?’ Jonathan asked. His poor mother, trapped in a marriage to someone who did not love her. Who was not capable of doing so.
‘No,’ Edward replied firmly. ‘Anne knew Christopher and I were close, of course, but I don’t think she ever suspected such love between two men was possible. She knew he was unhappy with her, but not why, and it tortured her.’
‘So my father was unfaithful to my mother, and with you,’ Jonathan said furiously.
‘No. At least not in the way you mean. Your father took his marriage vows seriously and remained faithful to Anne throughout their marriage. But every time we met the temptation and the longing was there.’
Edward rubbed his eyes. They were growing red. ‘If she had, of course, she might have understood Christopher’s callousness towards her. Oh, yes,’ he said, holding up his hands, ‘don’t think I was such a besotted fool that I could ignore his faults. He became incapable of making her happy and was cold to her as a result. At times I hated him for it. It was the only thing we ever argued over.’
‘If she never suspected, why did she leave him?’ Jonathan asked.
He recalled the long journey to Macclesfield; the flight across the north of England, changing coaches and his mother’s determination to put distance between herself and Christopher.
‘She was stronger than Christopher was,’ Edward said. ‘She knew that once you had left to go to school, life would become unbearable for both of them. Imagine living out your days in a house with someone you had grown to resent. She did what Christopher did not have the courage to do. Of course she came to me and I promised to help. Your father guessed straight away where she had come. I told him he must stay away or risk losing my affection for ever. He kept his word, though it broke his heart to lose you.’
Edward folded his hands. He avoided Jonathan’s eyes. Clearly his tale had come to an end. Jonathan raked his hands through his hair, feeling the bubbling of emotions growing inside him. If he stayed any longer, it would burst out. He pushed himself from the chair.
‘I need to go.’
The Silk Merchant's Convenient Wife Page 20
