The Shatterproof Heart

by Loretta Lost

  For the time being, Benjamin has untied me completely. My wrists, ankles, and neck are all very raw, and grateful for the fresh air instead of metal and rope. Somehow, I feel like I am winning. Maybe it’s just an artificial high, since the drugs haven’t completely worn off. I begged him to stop drugging me, and promised I’d do everything he asked.

  And I will. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel that aching gnawing in my stomach from not eating—it reminds me too much of my youth. I don’t want to be tied up. At least if I’m free, I have options. There might be a moment when I can catch him unawares, or gain the upper hand. There might be a way I can break free.

  Well, not me. I’m not good at that sort of thing.

  But if I just create the opportunity for her, she can break us free.

  Maybe it’s giving me a little bit of hope, having this incredible trump card. I like to think that Snow is resting, locked up in the dark recesses of my mind, saving up her strength for the coming battle. She’s my last resort.

  I think it was wise for us to switch places. For me to be the one tied up. She is too prideful, and she never would have made the concessions I did. She never would have humiliated herself like I did. A sudden idea strikes me, and I close my eyes, clutching my cup of coffee tightly in my hands, like rosary beads.

  Snow? Are you there?

  Silence. Maybe it doesn’t work like this. I’m not asleep, or dreaming—I’m fully awake. It doesn’t make sense that I would be able to go deep enough to—

  I’m here, Serena. I’m always here.

  My heart soars. I exhale in relief.

  I’ve never spoken to you like this before. I wasn’t sure I would be able to reach you.

  I’m surprised, too, she says. I wasn’t even aware you knew of my existence. That you knew my name.

  I didn’t. For the longest time. I mean, I knew I had blackouts, and lost time, and that I did things I couldn’t remember. But I didn’t know about you. I think I’m changing, I tell her. This situation is changing me, somehow. Did you see? Did you see how I got out of the restraints. I did good, right?

  She pauses. You did great, Serena. But… you know that he’s going to try to have sex with you. What are you going to do then? Will you need me to step in?

  No. I shudder. I will let him do whatever he wants to me, for the time being. I won’t call upon you unless I see an opportunity for you to end this. Kill him. I’m just waiting for the right moment to unleash you.

  Unleash me, she repeats in a husky voice. I like that. You make me sound so badass.

  You are, I tell her. You’re the ace up my sleeve. My secret warrior. So just save up your strength, and be ready to take over when the time comes. I can’t really… hurt people, the way you can.

  That’s my specialty, she tells me. All alone in this dark basement, I’m just fantasizing about the moment I get to rip that man apart. I’ll tear into him like a wild dog. No, a pack of wolves. I’ll be a whole pack of wolves, all at the same time, for you. And I will eat his face.

  I wince at the imagery. Thanks for telling me your plan. At the very least, if I get indigestion or constipation later, I’ll know what I’m having difficulty digesting.

  She laughs softly inside my head. A musical sound. I’m so glad we can communicate with each other now, Serena. It’s been so lonely and quiet, watching from the background, from behind a screen, never involved. But now, I feel like we’re in this together. There’s nothing that you and I cannot accomplish, together.

  I believe that, too, I tell her. Maybe this sounds crazy, but I’m grateful for this terrible situation if it brought me closer to you. If it brought me awareness of you. I think this is something I’ve always needed, and never quite understood. You’ve always been just out of reach, but somehow, the veil between us is growing thinner. You’re my best friend, Snow. You always have been, and I’ve always known that, even if I don’t remember meeting you until today.

  She pauses, taking a second to respond. Imagine that, she finally muses. When I told Cole that you needed more female friends, I didn’t realize that I was what you needed. I didn’t realize that I was even an option. But I needed you, too, Serena.

  Her voice sounds softer than before. I’ve always been alone, and locked down here in this abyss. It is perpetual night, where I live, and I’ve had to make my peace with that. I didn’t think I was even allowed to feel lonely. I’m just a soldier, you know. A soldier for you, from deep in this darkness. Thank you for sharing some of your daylight with me.

  I smile and sip my coffee. Yes. Somehow, I don’t even need to concentrate overly hard to speak to her. It’s not difficult. I just close my eyes, and I can almost reach out and touch her. All of a sudden, I am no longer alone. I have an ally, and I know she is one whom I can depend on completely. Wait, I say suddenly. You talked to Cole about me? When was this?

  Serena, the door, she says urgently.

  I open my eyes and see that the locks are turning on the door to the room that is my prison. I quickly place my coffee aside on the night table, along with the silver tray that used to contain my dinner. Standing up, I remove the bedsheet from the bed so I can wrap it around my bruised and bloody body, for some small measure of modesty. I haven’t taken a shower yet, to rinse away the dried blood. Food and coffee was more important.

  When Benjamin steps into my room, he is using a walking stick that is striped like a candy cane, except painted in pastel rainbow colors, with little pictures of unicorns. I am immediately alarmed. This can mean nothing good. As he shuts and locks the door behind him, he turns toward me and smiles. He moves closer, using the candy-striped cane, and stands before me.

  “I have a surprise for you, my princess,” he says, as he reaches out to remove the sheet that I am holding around myself.

  My hands hesitate, reluctantly allowing him to disrobe me.

  “But before I give you the surprise,” he says, grabbing my breasts and pinching the nipples painfully. “Show me what a good girl you are.”

  He pushes me back down onto the bed, and climbs on top of me. “Daddy got you a nice cup of coffee and a good meal, didn’t he? Show me your gratitude.”

  My heart is pounding rapidly as he begins to remove his belt again. I feel a sudden influx of blood and strength to my arms, and I want to push him away or punch him across the face. I want to fight.

  But I still have those drugs in my system. Will I be capable of winning?

  Let me at him, Snow tells me. Whether or not you are capable, I am. This could be our window.

  I swallow painfully, knowing that it’s not the right moment. No, Snow. It’s not time. I just have to let him do this to me. The way I always used to, when I was younger. I let him do this to me for years, remember? I can handle it once more. My body needs to heal up. I need more food and rest, before we try to escape. If I just be “good” and he stops hitting me for a few days…

  Serena, do you remember the reason you stopped letting him do this to you?

  Yes.

  You had your first period. You kept putting it off. You thought maybe you’d be able to graduate if you just kept tolerating his abuse. You wanted to keep living in comfort, living the good life he provided for you, instead of living out on the street… but then, you got pregnant. And it broke you. It broke me. It broke us.

  I close my eyes at the painful memory. A growing panic begins to take hold in my chest as Benjamin positions himself on top of me.

  You can still get pregnant, Serena.

  But what about him? Do you think he’s still capable? He’s so old.

  The chances are much lower, but it’s still possible. I remember reading a report about a man in his 90s who conceived children.

  Shit. If I ask him to wear a condom, he will hit me. If I ask him not to do this, he will restrain me again and go back to starving and drugging me. He said he would hurt another little girl.

  Let me take over. I can handle myself in a fight.

  It�
�s not time to fight, Snow. What if you fail? Things will get worse.

  If you think you think we can escape within 24 hours, you could take the morning after pill as soon as we get free.

  Why 24 hours? I thought that pill was good for 72 hours.

  I hate to tell you this, Serena, but he’s already had sex with you a bunch of times. I was tied up, and there was nothing I could do. Except take a chunk of flesh out of his nose. But you’re not tied up, and you could stop this. We’re not ovulating for a few more days, by my calculations, so it gets more dangerous with each passing day.

  Hearing this causes my energy to be drained. I suspected, but the confirmation is hard to take. My body grows limp when Benjamin forces his engorged member inside me. I close my eyes, feeling myself slipping away and retreating back into my mind as he begins to move on top of me.

  I cross over the threshold, and Snow is waiting there to embrace me. “It’s okay,” she says, rubbing her hands over my back. “It’s okay, love. I’ll be your pinch hitter.”

  Wrapping my arms around her tightly, I squeeze hard, refusing to let her leave. I squeeze like a frightened child, unwilling to let her parent abandon her on the first day of kindergarten.

  “Serena?” she says gently. “We have to hurry. I’ve got this: don’t even worry. I’ll stop him from hurting you.”

  “No,” I mumble against her shoulder, preventing her from leaving. “Anything you can do right now will only make it worse for us. Let him. Let him do what he’s doing—for now.”

  “Serena!” she says with a sudden fear in her eyes. “If neither of us are out there, we are basically surrendering our body to him. We are just a corpse. A dead body, for him to use to amuse himself. There is no one to tell him to stop. He could go too far. He could kill us. One of us needs to keep watch, at all times. We can’t let him destroy our life.”

  “You’re right,” I tell her, straightening and wiping tears from my eyes. “Okay, I’m going back.”

  “You don’t have to. Serena!”

  I step over the threshold, and back into my body. Every fiber of my mind is wincing and cringing at what I might find. I open my eyes, and immediately wish I hadn’t. His face is very close to mine, displaying convulsions of ecstasy as he finishes inside me. My skin crawls with disgust. I fight the urge to abandon my skin, and hide inside my body again. But I can’t let her take over.

  She is too impatient. She will try to end this now, and it will cost us dearly.

  “Good girl,” Benjamin says, as he pulls out his dripping member and collapses on the bed beside me. He is panting. Was I wrong? Was this the perfect moment for Snow to attack him?

  No. My leg is injured, and Snow will definitely burst these stitches. He cut my artery, and that won’t heal overnight. It won’t even heal in a few days. I need to be smart about this. Even if I manage to kill or disable Benjamin so I can escape, what’s waiting for me outside that door?

  Kill, Snow reminds me. Not disable. This needs to be over. He needs to die.

  I agree with her. But surely he has security measures to keep me from escaping. He’s not doing this alone. At the very least, he has a private doctor and private chef working for him. If I kill him and walk out that door, does someone instantly kill me?

  More importantly—surely someone has noticed I’m missing and is looking for me?

  If I can only stay alive, and stay in one piece until someone finds me—

  No, Snow says. We can only count on ourselves.

  She’s right. Of course, she’s right. She’s always right.

  Benjamin is pulling up his pants and standing up, looking down at me with a smile. “I think my good girl just earned herself another cup of coffee,” he tells me, with a wink.

  He is deranged. He is perverse. But I could definitely use some coffee.

  Are you, like, redirecting the cravings for heroin into caffeine? Snow asks.

  I’m just trying to stay alive, I tell her.

  “But before I get your coffee, it’s time for your surprise,” Benjamin says, grasping his rainbow cane to walk to the door. When he opens the door and steps out, I hear him speaking to someone.

  I lift my head curiously, wondering what is about to happen. I grab the bedsheet and wrap it around my body again, quickly, in case I have a visitor.

  Is he bringing another person here to hurt me? I don’t think I could bear that. Please tell me he’s not inviting his twisted friends here to share in the rape and abuse of his personal sex slave.

  I grit my teeth together. When Benjamin returns to the room, he is smiling from ear to ear. He gestures down to the floor, where something is attached to his hand.

  My heart skips a beat.

  It’s another hand. A little hand, attached to a little arm.

  He is leading a little girl into the room. She is an adorable little girl, with bangs and pigtails. She seems confused.

  “No,” I whisper hoarsely, as my body begins to tremble. “You promised!”

  “I couldn’t resist. Would you look at this sweet face?” Benjamin asks, reaching down to pinch the girl’s chubby cheek.

  “You promised,” I say again, frantically, my voice mounting to a roar. “You promised you wouldn’t take anyone else!”

  “Yes, but you promised me many things, years ago. You promised you wouldn’t run away. You promised you would have my baby.”

  “I was twelve!” I shout at him.

  “I think she looks like you,” Benjamin tells me, as he reaches down and places his hands under the child’s armpits to lift her. “She looks like our daughter, don’t you think? The child we would have had, if you hadn’t murdered her. Before she even had a chance to be born.”

  I feel my knees grow weak, and threaten to collapse beneath me. “What are you going to do to her?”

  “Nothing much. I’m going to give her lots of toys and games. Isn’t that what you said you wanted, Joy?”

  “Yes, please!” the little girl says. “And a teddy bear.”

  “Well, I think I can find you a splendid teddy bear,” Benjamin says.

  My hand reaches out for the bedside table, to support myself so that I can remain standing. Watching him hold this child is the worst thing that has happened to me in years. I can’t bear it. I can’t bear to see him touch an innocent child.

  “Would you like to meet your new friend?” Benjamin asks the girl. “She’s really nice!”

  “Yes, please,” the little girl says again, glancing at me shyly.

  “Do you see what impeccable manners she has?” Benjamin asks me, as he brings the child over to where I am standing. “Joy, I would like you to meet my daughter, Serenity.”

  “Serenity? That’s a pretty name,” the girl says with a giggle. “I’m Joy!”

  She offers me her chubby little hand to shake, but I can only stare.

  When Benjamin puts her down, she runs over to me and hugs my leg. “Are you going to be my new big sister?” Joy asks. “Or maybe you can be my mommy?”

  I look up at Benjamin in horror.

  “She’s an orphan,” he says with a shrug, “just like you were. No one cares what happens to her. No one is looking for her. Isn’t that a shame?”

  He turns around and heads for the door, leaving me with the girl.

  “I’ll be back soon,” Benjamin says, before shutting the door. “You two should get to know each other. Play nice, now.”

  As the door locks, I stare down at the bright-eyed little girl who is looking up at me, expectantly. I crouch down, holding the bedsheet around me so that it doesn’t fall, as I try to think of what to say to her.

  “Don’t worry, Joy,” I tell her softly. “I’ll take care of you. I’ll do my best to keep you safe.”

  “And you’ll play games with me?” she asks. “And read me stories?”

  I close my eyes briefly. The poor thing has no idea she’s been kidnapped.

  “Yes,” I tell her softly, reaching out to place my hand on her shoulder. “We’ll have
so much fun.”

  She claps her hands together. “I always wanted to live in a pretty house like this, with a pretty lady like you,” she says. “Will you play house with me, and pretend to be my mommy?”

  My heart breaks for her. And I can understand her sentiments.

  Little does she know that this house is not as pretty as it seems.

  As I stare at her, I swear that I can feel something shattering inside me.

  “Why are you shaking, Miss Serena?” Joy asks me.

  “I must be cold,” I answer, forcing a smile. Searching inside myself, I try to find my strength.

  Snow? I ask as tears touch my eyes. What do I do? I can’t let him hurt her. How do I keep her safe?

  She does not respond. Is she angry at me? Is she too upset to help me? I reach deep inside, but I can’t find her.

  For the first time, I feel truly alone in this situation.

  “That old man is really nice, isn’t he?” Joy asks. “He bought me an ice cream cone.”

  I bite my lip, unable to respond. But I do remember a time when I was young enough to think the same. I remember the first day I met Benjamin. I thought he was going to change my life for the better. I thought he would be the perfect father.

  I won’t let him touch her, I vow to myself, as I stare into her inquisitive dark eyes. I won’t let her become a disjointed mess of a person, like I am. She is so happy and wonderful. She is perfect.

  I will do anything, suffer anything, to ensure she stays that way.

  He will never get a chance to ruin her childhood, the way he ruined mine.

  I’ll make sure of that.

  Chapter Nine

  Zachary Small, 2016

  “Sophie Shields?” I ask the man at the front desk. “Can you tell me what room she’s in?”

  “I’m afraid that’s private information, bud,” says the fat hotel clerk, as he munches on a Subway sandwich. “You can’t just walk in here and ask for a guest. What if you were up to no good?”