Allie's War Early Years

by JC Andrijeski

  “Bullshit!” Dalejem snapped. “Bullshit! You lying little fuck! I practically asked you for it!”

  Revik stared at him again, feeling the pain worsen in his chest.

  Biting his tongue, he fought to think about the other male’s words, to reason through them, if only to keep his emotions under control. He fought to think back over that day, too, to remember the exact words they’d spoken to one another out at the edge of that field.

  Like all seers, he had a photographic memory.

  He could remember the facts of things, even if his feelings twisted what they meant.

  Once he had replayed Dalejem’s words to him that day, the pain in his chest worsened. He played the words again, realized that his state of mind and the pain he’d been in, embarrassment about Kali and whatever else, had warped that conversation, too. He hadn’t heard him correctly. Dalejem had been trying to tell him something, but not the thing Revik had heard.

  Maybe he couldn’t let himself go there at the time.

  Maybe Balidor was right, and it really was just cowardice.

  He bit his lip, staring at the jungle floor without seeing it. He’d been so sure they would all look at him the way the seers of the Seven had looked at him. He remembered those stares, the fearful flickers of light, the disgust. He’d felt those things the whole time he was in Seertown, up until the day he left Vash’s enclave in the Himalayas for the Pamir. He’d felt similar things from pretty much every seer there, apart from Vash himself. It had been easier just to try and prepare himself for being hated than it had been to look at the situation objectively.

  Realizing he hadn’t learned a damned thing from those monks, either, in five years of staring at walls and trying to learn to be accountable for himself, Revik felt his nausea worsen.

  As the pieces fell into place, he felt the pain in his chest worsen, too, even as he raised a hand to his own head, clutching at his hair.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  Dalejem let out a humorless laugh.

  “I am,” Revik growled. “And fuck you for not telling me. You must have known I didn’t understand. What’s your excuse for not making sure that I did?”

  Dalejem gave him a disbelieving look. “We were under orders! Balidor––”

  “I don’t want to hear any more about Balidor!” Revik snapped, cutting him off. “What? Are you a goddamned robot? You couldn’t see that I wasn’t thinking clearly? That I was afraid? Jesus, Dalejem. You, of all people. You knew what a mess I was... and I thought we were friends! I thought we were friends! Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what, precisely?” Dalejem said. “That I wanted to be the one you came to?”

  “Yes!” Revik said, frustrated. “Yes! And why not? You must have known I wanted that. I might have been fucked up in the head, but you weren’t. Hell, if I’d known you were open to it at all, I would have begged you, brother...”

  “Yet you never asked me!”

  “I couldn’t ask you!”

  “But you can offer yourself up to every single one of them instead?”

  Revik stared at him, feeling his jaw harden. “Yes.”

  Dalejem’s jaw tightened too.

  He stared back at Revik, even as Revik felt a pulse of pain leave the other man’s light. He winced against that pain, not wanting to feel that, either, but he wouldn’t let himself block it, or push it away, even when it hurt.

  “Why?” Dalejem said then, his voice lower.

  Revik clicked softly, shaking his head.

  “Gods. I don’t know... .I don’t fucking know.” Thinking about his words, he realized that wasn’t entirely true, either. “I didn’t want any of them,” he said. “It was easier.”

  Dalejem gave him another disbelieving stare.

  Then he laughed, a sound that managed to convey nothing but pure anger.

  Still staring at Revik in fury, he paced the ground in front of him, glaring at where Revik stood with his back against the kapok tree.

  “Bullshit!” Dalejem burst out angrily at him. “Bullshit, Revik! You told us you wanted Mara after you first laid eyes on her! You weren’t in the room five minutes before you told all of us about wanting to fuck her!”

  Revik shook his head, clicking angrily. “No,” he said. “That was different.”

  “What is different?” Dalejem said. “What is different about that?”

  “It is different!” Revik growled, giving him a warning look. “That was my dick talking! Not my mind! Not even my light... which would have fucked anything that breathed at that point in time, and you know it! I offered myself to all of them because I don’t know any of them. Not apart from you, and you left. You walked out of there... before I even knew you were there. After that, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t give a damn... the who was incidental!”

  Dalejem folded his arms.

  His expression blanked once more, but not before Revik felt the open skepticism flicker across his light, and saw it flash briefly in his clear, green eyes. Revik saw the distrust there, too, even with Dalejem wearing his infiltrator’s mask, and just held the other man’s gaze, unflinching, at least until Dalejem looked away.

  Staring at the ground, the green-eyed seer let out a humorless snort.

  He gave Revik another hard look.

  “Does it matter to you now, Rook?” he said bitterly.

  Revik felt his jaw harden to granite. “What difference does it make now? I can’t do anything about it now!”

  Dalejem’s arms unfolded, even as he walked up to him again.

  Revik couldn’t help it, he flinched. But the seer didn’t hit him. He had his hands on his belt instead. Revik was hard in about two seconds.

  Even so, he grabbed the other man’s wrists, stopping him.

  “No,” he said, his voice low, almost forced. He shook his head. “No.”

  Dalejem looked up. Pain lanced through Revik’s chest when he saw tears in the other’s eyes again. “You’ll do it for them, but not me?”

  Revik’s pain worsened. He closed his eyes, gripping the male’s wrists.

  After he’d controlled his light, he shook his head again.

  “I... I care about you,” he managed. His words came out closer to angry. “I care about you! What part of that don’t you understand?”

  “How about none of it,” Dalejem snapped.

  “You do understand. I know you do!”

  “No!” the other male said, staring up at him in disbelief. “No, I don’t! If we are only friends, as you feel the need to hammer into me again and again... then what difference does it make? Or do you only fuck people you feel nothing at all for, Revik? People you’d just as soon walk away from, so you don’t have to care if they lived or died?”

  Revik flinched. It took him another second to realize at least part of that was because Dalejem used his given name again. Even most of the previous night, Revik hadn’t heard his actual name all that often.

  Dalejem walked closer to him again.

  Reaching up, he slid his hand into Revik’s hair, gripping it almost tightly with his fingers. Holding him still, he caressed his neck and jaw with his other hand, almost like he had that first day, out by the field. He put light into his fingers, more of it when Revik opened, a lot more of it, enough to blank out Revik’s mind. Light came from his chest, from his belly and Revik groaned, fighting to pull himself free, gasping.

  When the other male released him, standing back, Revik fought to control his breathing. Once he had, he felt anger slide forward in his light.

  “You won’t even accept affection from me?” Dalejem said, frustrated. “I won’t try to fuck you, Revik. You’ve made your feelings on that topic crystal clear. If we really are friends, like you keep saying, over and over again, then why can’t I––”

  “We’re not friends,” Revik cut in. “We’re not.”

  He looked up, giving the other male a harder look.

  For what felt like a long moment, the two of them just stood
there.

  “Then what are we?” Dalejem said, soft.

  Revik only shook his head, not answering.

  He felt the surrender in his own light, seemingly right after the seer spoke. Some part of him had already given in to this. He couldn’t even be sure why he’d been fighting it.

  Dalejem must have felt the change in him, too.

  That time, when the other seer moved towards him, Revik deliberately softened his body. He leaned against the tree, opening his light, opening his hands and arms to make it clear he wasn’t going to stop him. When Dalejem got close enough, Revik tried to open the other seer’s light, too, sliding himself deeper into him as soon as Dalejem reached for his belt. That time, when Dalejem started undoing the clasp, Revik groaned, and began unhooking the front of the armored vest the other male wore. He had it open and was yanking it down his arms and off his shoulders, when Dalejem stopped him, gripping both of his wrists.

  “What are we doing here?” Dalejem said. His voice came out low, a near murmur. He met Revik’s gaze from only a few inches away, reminding him again that they weren’t far off one another in height. “What are you doing, brother? Now. With me. What is this? You haven’t been clear with me about any of this...”

  Revik felt the pain on the other male and closed his eyes, longer than a blink.

  He slid his hands into Dalejem’s hair then, pulling on him, hard, with his light and fingers. Hearing Dalejem gasp, he lowered his mouth, unthinking, and kissed him, using so much of his light in his tongue and lips that Dalejem groaned against his mouth, gripping the front of his vest. When the kiss deepened, Dalejem slid his hand deliberately down the front of his crotch, too.

  They kissed like that for a long time, for what felt like an endless amount of time.

  Revik found himself pulling on Dalejem’s light, pulling on it and winding himself into it, experimenting until he was panting against his neck and mouth.

  When Dalejem started massaging him for real, taking off his clothes, Revik pressed against his hand, groaning. He broke off the kiss, remembering suddenly where they were.

  A second later, Revik forgot to care about that, too.

  Dalejem slid down the front of him, until he was on his knees, unfastening his pants. He’d gotten the belt off completely that time, and had most of the front fasteners undone... when the seer stopped suddenly, looking up at him, his sculpted mouth set in a hard line.

  “No,” he said.

  “No?” Revik said it in a near gasp, confused. “What? Why?”

  “Because.” Dalejem abruptly regained his feet, looking him straight in the eye. “We’re going back. You’re taking a fucking shower, first, brother... you can at least do that for me. I’ll try to let it go, what you made me listen to for most of last night, but don’t expect me to bathe in it... and don’t expect me to be very nice about it for most of today, either.”

  Revik felt sick with pain, but he couldn’t find much to argue with around his words, so he only nodded, fumbling with his belt to get it back on and done up.

  Still, being cut off from the other’s light so suddenly left him lost-feeling, in enough pain that he found he couldn’t meet Dalejem’s gaze. Embarrassment pulsed off his light, too, flickers of memory around the night before, but he shoved that aside without dwelling on it, either, knowing the other seer would feel it, and not entirely sure how he might react at this point. Revik didn’t really want another punch in the face, or a knee to the groin, for that matter.

  When he looked up next, Dalejem was only waiting for him, though, patiently holding out a hand. Before Revik could take it, the green-eyed seer retracted his fingers, frowning.

  “Gods,” Revik said, fighting an urge to shake him. “What? What now? I’ll take a fucking shower, okay? I just want you to take it with me...”

  “It’s not that.”

  “Then what?” he said, frustrated.

  “Are you going to rescind your offer?” Dalejem said, facing him directly once more. He voiced it more as a demand than a true question. “Am I just next on your list, Dehgoies? Or are you going to tell those fuckers to leave you alone from now on?”

  Revik stared at him, his mind blank.

  Watching him, Dalejem frowned harder.

  “You’re not going to continue sleeping with them?” he said, pushing at Revik harder with his light. “Because if you are, you can forget about sleeping with me, brother. In fact, if you are, you’d better stay the hell away from me, because I really might hurt you again... and next time, it’ll be more than a black eye.”

  Revik frowned, still staring at the other male.

  For a longer moment, he debated whether to speak.

  Then he shoved caution aside, and just said it.

  “What are you really asking me, brother?” he said, biting his lip. He heard the edge creep back into his voice, even as he switched to formal Prexci, maybe to better make his point. “Are you asking me for an agreement? Or just toying with me by implying it? Would you rather just take the right to order me around, like some kind of control freak dulesri... or do you intend to ask me for it, as if you actually saw me as an equal?”

  Looking up at him, Dalejem burst out in a laugh.

  Revik felt a heated flicker of desire off the other male, too.

  “Nicely said,” Dalejem smiled.

  After another pause, he smiled again, clicking at him softly.

  “An agreement, brother,” he said, giving him a slight bow. His voice grew formally polite as well, even as he switched to the same language Revik had used, despite the smile still teasing his lips. “I am asking you for an agreement, if you are at all amenable to the idea. One that preferably doesn’t involve you offering yourself as a fuck-toy to every other seer in hearing distance. One that might just keep you alive, if you intend to share a bed with me.”

  Revik felt the pain in his chest worsen, but only nodded.

  “You are not as... laid back... as you pretend, brother.”

  Dalejem gave him a denser look. “You think I am manipulating you?”

  Revik shook his head. “No. That’s not what I meant.”

  There was a silence.

  Then, remembering something else, Revik looked up, his mouth firming.

  “I have to go back,” he reminded him. “After.”

  “Back?” Dalejem’s eyes blanked. “What does that mean?”

  “The Pamir,” Revik said. “I have to go back to the Pamir.”

  Looking at him for a longer moment, Dalejem nodded, offering his hand again.

  “We’ll talk about that when it happens,” he said neutrally.

  Feeling the reassurance in the other’s light, Revik felt his shoulders start to relax. Even so, he glanced around at the trees, feeling suddenly nervous as he looked at the other male.

  He hadn’t been involved with many males.

  None really, apart from sex.

  Well, none other than Terian... who was such a freak show deviant coupled with a mass of complicated mental illnesses, Revik couldn’t imagine how any aspect of that particular relationship would help him navigate this one.

  When he continued to stand there, Dalejem cleared his throat.

  “Are you coming?” he said, his eyes patient once more. “I will take the shower with you, if you want. If that was your next question.”

  “Don’t we need to be out here still?” Revik said, hearing the stall in his voice. “Balidor. Didn’t he want us to walk the perimeter or something? Patrol something?”

  Dalejem smiled, but it barely touched his mouth.

  “He’s letting us off the hook, brother,” he said gently.

  After the barest pause, Revik nodded again.

  That time, he took the hand offered to him, clutching the fingers in his own. He knew his skin was hot, borderline sweaty, but he didn’t let go, and he couldn’t quite meet the other’s gaze.

  13

  RESCINDED

  THEY DIDN’T HAVE sex in the shower.

&nbs
p; Revik wanted to.

  By the end of it, when he realized they were being watched, that Dalejem was right, that the showers were too public, given that it was broad daylight and they stood in a row not far from the mess tent... and that the wall only covered about half of his body with translucent organic sheeting, in any case... Revik finally shoved the other seer out of the cubicle, naked, and still wet, and finished showering alone.

  Even so, he felt flickers of curiosity aimed at him by passing seers.

  Some had felt what he’d been doing the night before.

  Some had just heard about it, or heard his offer around the fire.

  Some stared at his scars, seeing their patterns on his shoulders and upper back as they walked behind him outside the cubicle.

  When Revik finally left that cubicle, Dalejem was gone.

  Snaking his light out cautiously to look for him, Revik grew aware of even more eyes on him and his back once he left the area of the showers altogether. Ignoring them as best he could, he walked through the camp as casually as he could, given that he wore only a towel and borrowed shower sandals that Ontari had lent him days earlier.

  He didn’t particularly want to ask anyone where Dalejem’s tent was, but he also didn’t want to be out here much longer. Feeling a whisper of irritation from Dalejem himself, who clearly felt the attention on Revik’s body, too, Revik smiled faintly, but not with a lot of humor, right before the seer sent him an abrupt snap-shot of where he was.

  When Revik showed up at the door to the tent a moment later, smacking at bugs landing on his legs and then frowning when he remembered what the monks would say about that, he hesitated again, wondering if Dalejem would screw with him by sending him to the wrong tent. Somehow, after their confrontation in the jungle, Revik had an easier time imagining the other seer throwing him a random test.

  Even as he thought it, Dalejem showed up at the tent’s opening, frowning at him. The green-eyed seer no longer even wore a towel. Revik stared down at his muscular body, right before he glanced over his shoulder, moving to block Dalejem’s naked body from view of the wider camp almost before he’d thought about it, even as he gripped his own towel tighter.