His Lullaby Baby

by Airicka Phoenix

  The shriek in her ears muted the arrival of Toby and Hanna until she felt his hands on her arms. She was turned and brought into his chest. The cold clinging to his jacket practically hissed upon contact with the waves of heat radiating off her.

  “Hanna baby, why don’t you take your stuff off? I’ll be over there in a minute to help you put them away,” she heard him say softly.

  “What about Mommy?”

  Her daughter’s voice only made her cry harder.

  “I got Mommy. Go on.” He waited until Hanna’s footsteps had faded before turning his focus on her. “Talk to me, Addy.”

  “I’m a bad parent,” she sobbed into his chest.

  “What are you talking about? You’re an amazing parent.”

  Her entire body shuddered around the breath she tried to suck in. “No, I’ve kept them locked up in this house their entire lives, away from everyone, because I was afraid of losing them. My son doesn’t even know what it’s like to have friends. He grew up with all those kids in his class and he doesn’t even … and Hanna, she sits at home all day talking to her dolls.”

  “Kari has an imaginary friend named Bubbles who is a hippo with a pumpkin head and woodpecker nose, and only eats purple things,” Toby said fluidly. “When I was eight, I spoke nothing but Klingon for six months. Kids are all different, but they all have wild imaginations. That’s not your fault.”

  She shook her head. “It’s more than that. I could never understand why he wasn’t like other kids, why he … why he was the way he was and I just thought it was him. It was Sean. He’s special and wonderful, but that wasn’t it. He doesn’t know how to be a kid, because I never let him. I made no effort to make playdates for him. I never let him go to anyone’s house. I … I ruined his entire childhood.”

  “Baby, he’s only ten. He’s got plenty of time still to be a kid.”

  “What if that doesn’t happen?”

  Gentle fingers slipped beneath her chin and her face was lifted to his. “We’ll make sure it does, okay? Now, I want you to get this whole bad parent business out of your head. Do you understand me? You’ve got two of the most incredible kids I’ve ever met in my life and no one can take credit for that, but you. You raised them good, Ads. Damn good. You need to be proud of that.”

  Tears continued to spill, but she kept his gaze. “He was so happy, Toby. You didn’t see his face. I have never seen him smile like that and all because Colten asked him to sit with them on the bus. It killed me that something so big was missing from his life and I never saw it.”

  He wiped gently at her cheeks and offered her a grin. “It’s like I said, he’s only ten. We’ll make sure he smiles like that again. Promise.”

  Addy sniffled and mopped her face up with her sleeve. She peered up at the man still holding her through squinted, puffy eyes.

  “Did you really speak Klingon?”

  Toby grinned. “Nope, it was just random garble that sounded really cool in my head. Mom was ready to get me institutionalized.”

  Addy chuckled. “I’m sorry you had to come home to find me like this.” She dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve. “Do you think Hanna’s okay?”

  He rubbed at her arm gently, a comforting gesture. “She’s fine, but I’m going to go help her put her things away. Will you be okay?”

  Assuring him she would be, she watched him leave the kitchen and made a silent promise to herself that she was going to change things for her kids. No matter what she had to do to make it happen.

  “Tiny has been dropped off.” The man of her obsessions walked in through the backdoor the next morning. “And sweets have been delivered without casualties.”

  Addy chuckled. “She didn’t get into the bags this time?”

  “Nope.” He tossed his truck keys into the air and caught up in the same hand, the hand not gripping his cane. “I kept my eye on her. She’s sneaky!”

  She watched him make his way around the island to her side.

  “Thank you.”

  He leaned in and kissed her. “Welcome.”

  Aside from the occasional intense make out session while the kids were in bed, he had yet to taper the fire he kept fanning. He always came so close only to break away and leave her hot and wet, and frustrated. It was partially her own fault for not having the nerve to ask him why he hadn’t gone through with what they both clearly wanted. She knew he was interested. She knew he wanted it as badly as she did and yet…

  “Are the guys here?” she asked instead.

  He shook his head very slowly. “Nope. It’s just us.”

  Heat immediately sizzled through her with an intensity that made her breath come up short and her heart race. All thoughts of sugar cookies vanished as the very air around them seemed to solidify to an almost tangible force.

  “Oh,” she whispered.

  He caught his lip between his teeth. “What do you think we should do?”

  Instinctively, her gaze dropped to his mouth. Her own tingled with anticipation.

  “I think I want you to—”

  A knock sounded on the door, interrupting her one moment of boldness. Relief and disappointment crashed through her, making her curse the person while simultaneously thanking God she was saved from humiliating herself. For all she knew, he would have turned her down. The very thought made her cringe inwardly.

  “Come in!” she called out.

  The door clicked open and a familiar face haloed by a riot of tight curls poked in. Addy’s heart jumped.

  “Nia!”

  Beautiful with skin the color of dark roast and eyes the intense green of tealeaves, Nia Washington stood at a daunting seven feet of lean, sinewy grace of a woman who had seen it all and survived. And she had. Nia was a walking inspiration wrapped in a blanket of warmth, love and kindness. Seeing her elicited a squeal of delight from Addy that was followed by the rush of feet as she darted around the island and engulfed the other woman.

  “Oh my God!” she gasped, squeezing tight. “I haven’t seen you in so long!”

  Nia laughed, a deep, smoker’s rasp. “That was my thoughts exactly when I decided to head on over this way.” She pulled back and set her hands on Addy’s shoulders. “Now, let me look at you.” Green eyes squinted as they worked over the length of Addy’s slight frame. “You’re still not eating enough, but you still look fabulous! How have you been?”

  “Good! Great!” Addy chuckled.

  Nia’s penciled eyebrows rose. “Good and great? Well, that invites for tea and gossip.” Her gaze lifted past Addy to where Toby stood, watching the exchange with interest and mild amusement. “And who is this?”

  “Oh!” Flushing, Addy led Nia forward. “Nia, this is Toby McClain. He’s my…” Mind a horrible blank, Addy’s blush deepened.

  “Handyman, food tester, and occasional boy toy,” Toby supplied without missing a beat.

  Addy gasped, mortified.

  Nia laughed. “Well, it’s about time Addy got one of those.”

  Certain her face couldn’t get any hotter, Addy motioned to Nia. “This is Nia Washington.”

  “Friend,” Nia answered for her, possibly saving her from having to explain her real purpose, but Addy had already decided she would start easing Toby into her past. No better place to start than Nia.

  “Nia’s my support partner,” she murmured quietly. “At the…” The rest lodged in her throat, forming a pasty ball of distress. She swallowed it down and tried again. “At the women’s support group for…”

  “You know, why don’t I make that tea?” Nia quickly broke in when Addy couldn’t finish. “Everything is where it used to be, right?”

  Addy only nodded, staring hard at the mess of half-finished sugar cookies. She was all too painfully aware of Toby’s eyes on her, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to see the look in them.

  “Oh, shoot, you know what? I forgot my phone in the car and I need to make a very important call. I’ll be ten minutes.”

  With a warm smile, Nia hurried back out the
way she’d come, leaving Addy alone to explain in privacy.

  “You don’t have to tell me,” he murmured so quietly she almost didn’t hear him.

  She willed her gaze upwards until she was caught in his. “I know, but I want to. At least, some of it. Slowly. I just don’t know where to start.”

  “Wherever you’re comfortable with.” His ever present patience in her was the biggest comfort he could possibly give her.

  “Nia is part of the group I started seeing regularly once a week for five years now,” she choked out. “The … it’s … I…”

  “Addy.” He came around the counter and stood before her. “Whatever it is, I’m not going to judge.”

  Tears filmed over her vision, obscuring him and making the situation ten times worse than it was.

  “It’s a support group for women escaping from domestic violence and … and assault.”

  His sharp inhale made her flinch. No one outside the group, except Macy knew. Not even the children. She had lived with her secret for five years and now someone outside her security group knew, someone who could turn away with disgust or worse … pity.

  “Your husband?” was his first question.

  Addy nodded. “For five years before I came here.”

  “Jesus, Addy. Is he who you’re running from?”

  The muscles in her throat tightened, but she forced another nod.

  “There’s more to it…”

  He shook his head. “Mom said you got pregnant at fifteen. Was that why?”

  Dread and tension coiled in the pit of her stomach, making it impossible to speak. “It’s … there’s more…”

  “Is it?”

  Relenting, Addy nodded. “But I have to tell you the rest—”

  He set his cane against the island and, before she could finish, his hands were framing her face and he kissed her with a tangle of tenderness and anger. He must have stolen a cookie while she wasn’t looking, because he tasted like cinnamon and sugar. Then he pulled back. His hands remained firmly on either side of her face, but his gaze was intense and vicious.

  “I’m sorry.”

  His fingers closed in her hair and he pulled her closer. “Don’t you ever be sorry, do you hear me?”

  “I mean about not telling you sooner.”

  “Even that.” He kissed her again, softer.

  He was still taking slow, deep sips of her when the door opened and Nia returned, phone in one hand and her purse draped over the other. She faltered on the threshold.

  “Oh!”

  Addy quickly pulled away. “Hi! You’re back.”

  Grinning, Nia held up her phone. “Yup, and I made my call, so now I am ready for that tea and conversation.”

  Addy nodded. “Me too.”

  Nia stepped deeper into the kitchen and shut the door behind her. “Oh, there’s a group of devastatingly gorgeous men prowling around on your front porch. I wasn’t sure if I should get us cold beers or call the fire department.”

  Addy laughed. “That’s Toby’s family.”

  “Well.” Nia grinned. “I can certainly see the family resemblance. Any of them happen to be single?”

  It was Toby’s turn to chuckle, but Addy knew him enough to know it was forced. “I’m the last of the brood, unless you’re into thirteen year olds.”

  Nia hissed through her straight, white teeth. “Might have to pass.”

  Smothering another grin, Toby turned his attention to Addy. “I better go. You okay?”

  Embarrassed, Addy nodded.

  “‘kay.” He skimmed a final kiss to her mouth before taking up his cane and making his way to the door. “It was nice to meet you, Nia.”

  “You too!” Nia watched until the door had shut behind him before turning to Addy once more. “He is delicious!”

  “Yeah, he is.” Addy stared the preparations for tea. “He’s wonderful.”

  “And completely gone over you.” Nia took a stool on the other side of the island. “It’s nice to see you’ve moved on, but I take it from that awkward exchange that you haven’t told him.”

  Kettle filled and set on the stove, Addy turned. “Does that make me a bad person?”

  “No!” Nia said quickly. “Not at all. It’s good that you’re going at your own pace. Just make sure that you do eventually tell him, especially if you’re serious about your relationship with him. It’s important, for both of you.”

  Addy nodded. “I know. I was going to start off small and…” She blew out an exasperated breath. “But there doesn’t seem to be any small parts.”

  Nia nodded understandingly. “We always think that once we finish the program and step back into the world that everything will just fall into place, but the battle continues. Just remember that it’s okay to talk about it, because…”

  Addy gave a quiet chuckle. “Because it wasn’t my fault.”

  “Exactly, and you have nothing to be sorry about or feel ashamed over.”

  Needing to keep busy, she dusted excess flour off the counter into the palm of her cupped hand off and walked to the trash. She dusted her hands and walked back.

  “He’s a good man,” she murmured. “Toby. He’s … he makes me feel safe and his family has been so good to me and the kids.”

  Nia smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  Apprehension had her gnawing on her lip as she struggled with her fears.

  “What is it?”

  She met the other woman’s gaze. “What if he changes his mind once I tell him everything? What if it’s too much?”

  “Then you will move on and you will find someone else,” Nia expressed firmly. “It takes a strong man to accept our past and a stronger woman to tell him.”

  “The kids love him,” she blurted. “Sean…” She rubbed a hand over her face. “He’s just starting to open up and act like a kid, and Hanna … maybe I shouldn’t have said—”

  “Stop right there.” Nia put a hand up. “Now, you listen to me. No relationship can work if you don’t put all your cards on the table for your partner. It’s moments like this that define your strength as a couple. Either he will stand with you and be your pillar or you will continue being the strong, determined, and independent woman I know you are all on your own. Whatever the case, his actions are not on you. It’s a reflection of the type of man he is and that’s on him.”

  She peered into her friend’s beautiful face. “I think I love him.”

  “Good for you! That makes him a lucky man.”

  The kettle whistled and Addy moved to prepare the drinks.

  “Do you want to take it here or in the parlor?” she asked over her shoulder.

  “Actually, I’d like to take this out on the patio and watch those gentlemen work.”

  That was what they did. They hauled their gathering out into the chilly morning and set camp on the back deck. Addy knew it would be the last day before the men tore it down and rebuilt it to match the sides and the front. For the time being, they sat around the rickety, plastic table with its matching white chairs and watched as progress happened.

  Cole was the only one missing from the group. The others were hammering and measuring and aligning boards in even rows across the beams. Most of the wrap around was nearly finished and all that was missing from the porch was the railings, but so far, she was really loving the outcome.

  “So, what happened to his leg?” Nia gestured to Toby with her chin.

  “Toby was a CSAR officer.”

  Nia frowned. “A CSAR—?”

  “Combat search and rescue,” Addy explained.

  Nia’s green eyes went wide. “Oh, so he was in the military.”

  “Yeah, he was shot by one of his own men by accident.”

  But Nia continued to study her, searching for the reaction Addy’d had when Toby had first told her.

  “Are you okay with that?”

  Brown liquid rippled in the cup Addy cradled between both palms to keep them steady. Her reflection distorted, but even then, the conte
mplation was evident in the furrowing of her brow.

  “He’s not Jonathon,” she whispered. “It scared me at first, too, but there’s no evil in Toby. Trust me, I’ve looked.”

  Nia’s long, painter fingers settled lightly on Addy’s arm. “I believe you, but I want to make sure you’re okay.”

  Pushing back a piece of hair getting tossed around by the breeze, Addy nodded. “Yeah, I really am.” She chuckled. “For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I am really happy.”

  Nia’s smile was gentle and relieved. She gave Addy’s arm a light squeeze and drew back.

  “Good.”

  She brought her teacup to her lips and took a sip. Her green eyes squinted over the steam and rim at the men working a few yards away. Addy followed her line of vision and watched as Toby set his hammer down and twisted his hands into the hem of his t-shirt. The fabric was lifted and used to mop at his brow. But it was the glorious stretch of skin exposed to the elements that caught Addy’s attention. It was the rock hard abs and narrow waist tucked into a pair of low slung jeans. He had the torso of someone who pounded metal on a daily bases. The kind of build that made women’s nether regions weep and their brains go senseless. All of it rippled with his movement, an enticing motion of power and strength. The deep craters cut into his stomach bunched and Addy moaned.

  “Wow…” Nia sighed from beside her.

  “Yeah,” Addy breathed, her temperature suddenly unbearable. “Wow…”

  “Did you know…?”

  She shook her head. “Had no idea. We haven’t…”

  “Gah.”

  “Yeah.”

  Toby lowered his arms and his blue eyes cut across the distance and clung to hers as though summoned. The irises darkened even as his lush mouth pulled into a devastating, lopsided smirk that was all too painfully knowing. He winked and Addy could have sworn her ovaries exploded right then, right there.

  “Shit…” Nia moaned. “I think I just orgasmed.”

  Addy would have laughed, but she was pretty sure she did too, not that she would know the difference.

  “We should probably stop staring,” she heard herself mumble.

  Nia nodded. “Definitely. You first.”