Hope Returns

by Dorey Whittaker

  “Then, almost eight months later, the police got a break. Someone came forward and told the police a guy in their neighborhood had been bragging about ‘killing that white kid.’ The police finally had a name, but could not find him. They learned that he had skipped town about a month after the killing and no one knew where he was.

  “I remember staring at the suspect’s photo in the newspaper. After all, they were not sure he really was the one who had done this terrible crime, he was just a suspect. I studied that picture, trying to see something in those eyes that would explain how those eyes could have looked at my brother and done those things to him. By the time they found him hiding out in Chicago, I already knew he was the one we had been looking for.

  “I remember sitting in the courthouse when they brought him in for arraignment. He was shackled hands and feet, with a crazed look in his eyes. My numbness was gone in a flash. All I wanted to do was make this guy hurt the way he had hurt my brother. I had never known this kind of anger. While he stood there with that contemptuous smug face, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to torture him like he had tortured my brother. I began to fill my heart with thoughts of what I would do to him, dwelling for hours on vivid details of exacting my revenge.

  “It took many, many months before he went to trial. During that whole time my rage was focused on him and him alone. I thought of nothing else. I read every newspaper article written about him and hated everyone who was trying to help him.

  “By the time he went to trial, I was almost twenty-one. I had already lost three years of my life reliving every moment of Charlie’s last hours, and then I sat in that courtroom listening to the medical examiner tell the gruesome details of our brother’s last hours and my rage became white hot. This guy had done these things to my brother and my rage grew. My rage became so huge it could not be contained to this one person. This guy was no longer just the one who had killed my brother. He was no longer the guy who happened to be black, but became the black guy who killed my brother. Suddenly, I now hated every black guy, and then it was every black person. After all, I had enough hate to go around.

  “Now, before you think my hatred of blacks was just the result of my growing up in Georgia, I need to tell you that if it had been an Irish person, I would have hated everyone Irish. If it had been a Jewish person, I would have hated every Jewish person. I had so much hate inside of me I needed people to hate just so I would not explode from the pressure of holding onto it. The sad thing was, however, few people challenged my new found hatred of blacks. They probably assumed that I was just one of so many others who thought like I did.

  “By the end of the trial, we knew he was going to be found guilty, but that wasn’t enough for me. Nothing would have been enough for me. Because of his age, he was given life in prison, and I remember thinking what about my brother’s age? I had an unquenchable need to see someone suffer like I was suffering.”

  Everyone had been quiet while listening to Gladys tell her story, but Benny could no longer hold back his emotions at hearing this terrible saga. “Gladys, I would want to kill him, too. Someone like that does not deserve to live. You had every right to feel that way.”

  “Benny, Benny, Benny,” Gladys pleaded. “That man had almost destroyed my family. I was letting him destroy me as well,” Gladys explained. “You have no idea what that kind of rage can do to you. At first, you believe it is your friend, the one companion you can count on to endure this pain you are carrying, but soon it turns on you and devours you completely and all you are left with is your rage.”

  Benny stared at Gladys, studying this sweet old lady he’d come to admire, before stating, “I understand what you are saying, Gladys. It’s just that I can’t picture you being that angry person.”

  Gladys smiled at Benny, “I was that person, Benny, and more. I thought I could contain my rage, only spewing it out at those I blamed for all my pain, but I was wrong. That kind of anger is a poison that seeps into all of your thinking. The trial was over, he was in prison, and I was now twenty-two and thought I was handling it pretty well and going on with my life, until I met Karl Carter, my future husband.

  “We had gone on several dates before the topic of our families came up. I tried to avoid it, but he was persistent. At first, I tried to just give a glossy overview, simply stating facts and moving on. Karl could see the rage in my eyes and wanted to know everything, but I refused to talk about it, so he stopped coming around for several weeks. At first, I didn’t care. How dare he try to invade my private world, the one I guarded so closely, but I found I really missed his company and wanted to see him again.

  “One afternoon, I saw him walking up my street and I went out and sat on the front step so he could not miss me. As he reached the front of my house, he stopped and gave me one of his beautiful smiles and said, “Gladys, are you ready to be honest with me yet? What are you so afraid of? If I am going to get seriously in love with you, I have to know who you really are.”

  “Wow,” said Benny. “He didn’t mess around, did he, Gladys?”

  Gladys let out a big laugh. “No, Benny, he was serious. He really liked me, but he was not going to date me anymore unless I came clean with him.”

  “What did he mean by ‘come clean with him,’ Gladys?” Hope probed. “Were you trying to keep the fact that your brother had been killed a secret?”

  “No, Hope. Everyone in our town knew about Charlie,” Gladys explained. “He was talking about how I was handling it. You see, Karl could see that I had a hair-trigger temper, ready to go off whenever someone I considered an enemy crossed my path. I didn’t even realize just how obvious it was to him. I thought I was doing a better job of hiding it than I really was.

  “Karl sat on my porch and told me how it made him feel when I had acted so rudely to his best friend, Tobias. He said I had no right to judge every black man, treating them all as if they had personally tortured my brother. He told me Tobias was the godliest man he knew and that he would give anyone the shirt off his back.

  “I remember snickering at his description of this black man. I was so profoundly poisoned by my rage I could not even imagine a black man being trustworthy, but here was Karl, attesting to his friend’s character, and I had a real problem with that. A problem that Karl knew was a deal breaker between us.”

  Benny sat up, engrossed in this tale, and asked, “So, what did you do, Gladys?”

  “I promised him I would try. I didn’t really think it was possible, but I promised I would try, and he accepted that. Karl began by having me come down to the loading dock once a week so we could have lunch with Tobias. We were both very uncomfortable. Tobias was well aware of how I felt about him, but he was always very gracious toward me. He understood the pain I was suffering from my loss. We never discussed this until years later, but Tobias was willing to tolerate my unspoken resentment because he and Karl understood that I was unaware of what was really wrong with me.”

  “What was so wrong with you, Gladys?” Benny asked in the most incredulous voice.

  Laughing at this young man, who could not imagine this sweet old lady having anything wrong with her, Gladys admitted, “I had a lot of things very wrong with me, Benny, and I will be eternally grateful to both Tobias and Karl for their willingness to be patient with me. You see, I knew I was being unfair to Tobias, just because he was a black man, but I could not let go of my anger. After a few lunches, I asked Karl if we could sit together, alone, without Tobias. I even teased him that we could sneak a few kisses in if Tobias was not around.”

  “And he didn’t go for that?” Benny asked with great surprise.

  “No, he didn’t, Benny. I guess I wasn’t as tempting a dish to him as I thought I was,” Gladys teased. “But seriously, Karl knew that he could have no future with me as long as I remained so full of anger and was so lost.”

  “Lost?” Hope questioned.

  “Oh my, yes, Hope,” confessed Gladys willingly. “I was truly lost, but it was Tobias and Karl that
kept lighting the way for me, even when I resented having the light shone. You see, I was actually quite happy in my misery, at least I thought I was. So, instead of getting rid of Tobias, Karl increased our lunches with him to three times a week. For months I would just sit and listen to these two friends talk, but slowly I found myself asking questions, joining in, and looking forward to our lunches together.

  “You see, Tobias really was an interesting guy. He had been through a lot of terrible things in his life, too, and he understood my pain. I would listen as he told stories from the Bible; stories that actually made sense to me. He was able to make that book come alive because he really and truly believed it held the answers to all of man’s questions. After a while, I actually forgot he was black and began looking forward to our lunchtime Bible studies.

  “Then, one day, Tobias brought his lovely young wife to our lunchtime Bible study and everything changed in an instant. I remember turning the corner, excited to get to our regular seats at the wooden table under the sycamore tree, when I saw them. In that instant, Tobias, again, was just a black man, daring to have his arm around a black woman. Suddenly, I was filled with my old companion, rage. I remember thinking, ‘How stupid could you have been? He almost fooled you.’ I no longer looked at him as the wise and kind Bible teacher I had come to admire; after all, he was just another black man, so I turned and started to run.

  “Karl caught up with me a block or so down the street. He had seen the look on my face and knew I was in trouble. He begged me to come back with him, but my rage was making me blind and deaf to his pleadings. Three years of rage at every black person on the face of this earth suddenly rested on Tobias’s shoulders and I didn’t care. I didn’t even care if I lost Karl because of this; I just didn’t care.”

  Benny blurted out, with some relief, “Well, Gladys, you must have cared a little because you ended up marrying him, right?”

  Gladys gave Benny a wink and answered, “Yes, I did, Benny, but not while I was so damaged and broken. He pleaded with me to return to the table. He told me, ‘Gladys, it is time for us to start talking about your rage against black people, and who better to be honest with than someone who is paying the highest cost for that rage right now?’ ”

  Gladys smiled at everyone in the living room before saying, “I thought he was talking about Tobias paying that cost. What he really meant was that I was the one paying the highest cost for my rage and he and Tobias wanted to help me see it.

  “I finally agreed to walk back to that table one more time, that table where God’s Word had been shared with me, the place where I was told about how much God loves us, and the place where, just two days earlier, I had almost surrendered my heart to God. My pain was causing me to be blind with anger, deaf with rage, and comfortable with my misery. But something deep inside of me yearned to hear more about this God of love Tobias talked about, so I agreed to return to the table and try again.

  “As we walked up to the table Tobias jumped up and said, ‘Gladys, I would love to introduce you to my bride, Ruth. Ruth, this is Gladys, the young woman I’ve been telling you about.’ ”

  Hope jumped up and shouted, “Ruth? Ruth Bascom? Tobias was her husband?”

  Beaming with love and pride, Gladys said, “Yes, Hope, the very same. You see, if I had refused to return to that table that day, I doubt if I would ever have surrendered my heart to God. If I had not returned, I also know that Karl would never have married me, and I might never have known the blessing of having Ruth Bascom as my most cherished and best friend for the past fifty years.

  “Hope, my returning to that table, although difficult at the time, was such a small act on my part. Simply being willing to turn around and walk back to that table with Karl changed my whole life; but Hope, God uses those simple little steps of faith and surrender to make huge changes in our lives. I shudder to think where my life would have gone had I listened to my anger that day.”

  Then, looking over at Lisa before continuing, Gladys again tried to say something Lisa had refused to hear for the past eleven years. “You see, Hope, if I had refused and had gone on with my rage, I believe I would have turned out much like Lisa’s mother, your grandmother, Marjorie Miller. My rage and pain was such a part of who I was, it would have destroyed me. And so, when I see someone like Marjorie Miller, even though her behavior is indefensible, I see someone I was well on the way to becoming if Karl and Tobias had not reached out to me, and if I had not chosen to respond. Without God and His people, I could easily have become a Marjorie Miller.”

  “But you didn’t, Gladys, and that’s the point,” replied Lisa with more gentleness than she had ever responded to this topic. “You accepted God’s gift of Jesus and my mother has not.”

  “The point is, Lisa, the only difference between your mother and me is that I accepted the help when it was offered, and she has not. Karl and Tobias were willing to keep reaching out to me, even though I was rude and skeptical. It was Ruth and Tobias Bascom that had led Karl to faith and it was the three of them who brought me to Jesus. They taught me that walking with God means living a forgiven life. They taught me what it cost God to offer that forgiveness, and that I could never earn it as it is a precious gift offered to all who are willing to accept it.”

  Hope sat quietly studying this woman to whom she owed so much. She thought about Lisa, hearing about this same free gift of forgiveness when she was so broken and damaged by a life of drugs and prostitution; how the idea of being forgiven must have thrilled Lisa’s heart. Hope pondered all that Gladys was saying about how God wants to forgive, not condemn; how He wants to restore, not reject; how He wants a relationship, not religion. “I’ve never heard any of this before,” Hope confessed to Gladys, “I thought God was someone you had to fear, but you are telling me He wants to love me. I think I am going to need some time to digest all of this, but I promise you, Gladys, I will think about it.”

  Chapter 17

  Everyone was up and moving early Saturday morning. Caroline had warned them all that breakfast was going to be over right at nine o’clock because she needed her kitchen to herself for at least two solid hours if she was going to get the wedding cake finished on time. Bill and Scott had their instructions, and everyone else was on their own. Once Caroline’s kitchen was designated off limits, it was off limits.

  Scott got the ladder set up in the living room while Bill separated the decorations Caroline had instructed them on exactly how she wanted them hung. After forty-five years of watching her decorate this house, Bill knew not to question, but to simply do it.

  Lisa watched them spin their decorating magic for a few minutes before deciding to run upstairs and get her shower. Susan was due in about an hour to help with her hair, and then all that would be left for her to do was double check her suitcase, and then enjoy the celebration.

  Gladys was locked in Caroline’s room handling some secret gift wrappings, so Hope, having nothing else to do, wandered down and sat on the staircase to watch Scott and Bill. A few minutes later the doorbell rang and Bill, having his hands full, asked, “Hope, could you get that for me?”

  “Sure, Mr. Thomas,” Hope called out as she ran for the front door. She swung it open, and there, standing right in front of her was Ruth Bascom, her arms full of Lisa’s wedding suit, blouse, and shoes. At first, Hope just stood there staring into Ruth’s face, not offering to take anything out of her hands, nor inviting her in. Ruth could have reacted in a hundred different ways at this obviously rude behavior from Hope, but just as always, Ruth simply smiled and said, “Why, hello there, Hope. How are you this morning?”

  Hearing Ruth’s voice startled Hope out of her thoughts and she quickly responded, “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Bascom, let me take some of these things; please come in.” Hope laid the garment bag over the banister and Lisa’s shoes on the second step, then immediately turned back to Mrs. Bascom and said with teary eyes, “I am so happy you made it, Ruth. Your being here means the world to all of us.”

 
Ruth immediately recognized the difference in Hope’s demeanor this morning, compared to how cool she had been during their last meeting and thought to herself, “Something has changed in this young woman.”

  Hope took hold of Ruth’s hand and led her into the study, saying, “Ruth, Gladys is locked away upstairs wrapping gifts, Lisa is in the shower, the kitchen is off limits to everyone until the wedding cake is decorated, and the living room is a danger zone with ladders and garland all over the place. Besides, I wanted to have a few minutes alone with you, if I could.”

  Ruth studied this girl, wondering what had made the drastic change in her attitude toward her, then said, “Certainly, Hope, what can I do for you?”

  “Actually, Ruth—you don’t mind me calling you Ruth, do you?”

  “Of course not, Hope,” Ruth replied.

  “Well,” hesitated Hope for an instant, trying to decide how to start, “first off, I want to apologize for how I acted the last time we met. I know I was rather cool toward you, but I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.” Hope sort of giggled, “Actually, I did give the wrong impression. You see, you might have gotten the idea that I was rather distant because of you being black, but honestly, Ruth, that was not the reason. You see, I am not a religious person at all, and I feel really uncomfortable around religious people. Lisa and Gladys pray all the time, and tell me how important God is to them. But then they started telling me about this Ruth Bascom, the godliest person they know, and I was a wreck. I felt trapped and ill prepared for whatever religious stuff you were going to do in front of me. Honestly, I was so nervous about who you were, I didn’t even notice what you were. Does that make sense to you?”