Pencil of Doom!

by Andy Griffiths

‘What’s the matter, 5B?’ Mr Brainfright asked, looking hurt. ‘Don’t you trust me?’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ said Jenny, getting up from her desk. She couldn’t stand to see anybody looking sad . . . even if they were just pretending to be sad in order to get somebody to volunteer themselves to be cut in half.

  ‘Good for you, Jenny!’ said Mr Brainfright, holding one end of the box open for her. ‘Just wriggle in here and relax.’

  Gretel and I looked at each other, alarmed.

  Jenny hadn’t drawn anybody getting cut in half, but given what had happened to us and Jack, we didn’t like to see her take such an unnecessary risk.

  ‘No!’ I said. ‘Don’t do it!’

  ‘Why not?’ said Jenny.

  ‘It’s dangerous!’

  ‘No it’s not,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Well, maybe just a little, but that’s all part of the fun. You can’t make an omelette without cracking a few eggs! Are you comfortable, Jenny?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Jenny. ‘It’s quite relaxing.’

  ‘Can you wiggle your legs?’

  ‘I think so,’ she said, and her feet, which were sticking out the other end of the box, wiggled.

  ‘Excellent!’ said Mr Brainfright. Then he turned to the class. ‘Now, the first thing you need to know about cutting somebody in half is that you need to make sure your saw is sharp.’ He touched one of the teeth on his saw. ‘Ouch! Are you ready, Jenny?’

  Jenny nodded enthusiastically.

  Mr Brainfright placed the saw on the top of the box and began to saw.

  And saw.

  And saw.

  And saw.

  We were all on the edge of our seats.

  Then we were on the edge of the edge of our seats.

  Then we were on the edge of the edge of the edge of our seats.

  ‘I’m scared!’ cried Newton.

  ‘Don’t be,’ said Jenny. ‘I’m not scared, and it doesn’t hurt a bit!’

  Finally, incredibly, Mr Brainfright sawed right through the box.

  Jenny was still smiling.

  Even more miraculously, she was still smiling when Mr Brainfright dramatically pushed the halves of the box apart, sending the top half of her body one way, and her legs—still kicking—the other way.

  ‘Voila!’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘Will we be tested on this?’ asked Fiona.

  24

  Some very bad news

  Before Mr Brainfright could answer Fiona, the classroom PA speaker crackled into life.

  ‘Attention, crew,’ said the voice of Principal Greenbeard, ‘I have some news of a dire nature to impart. Batten down the hatches. I repeat, batten down the hatches.’

  Now, before I go on, what you should know about Principal Greenbeard is that he loves ships and sailing. And when I say he loves ships and sailing, I mean he really loves ships and sailing.

  In fact, he loves ships and sailing so much that he acts as if the school is one huge ship, that all the teachers and students are sailors, and that he, of course, is the captain.

  It’s important that you know this, otherwise you might think he is a bit crazy.

  Well, obviously, he is a bit crazy, but he isn’t all crazy. He’s just crazy about anything to do with ships and sailing.

  And when he says batten down the hatches, that means trouble.

  Principal Greenbeard continued to speak. ‘Now I don’t wish to alarm you,’ he said, ‘but we’ve just been notified that a circus lion has escaped and there have been several sightings that indicate the lion is heading in our direction at an alarming rate of knots. I would just like to warn all crew members to stay inside and keep all cabin doors and portholes fully secured. I repeat, batten down all hatches until further notice. Thank you all, and please remember that it’s very important that we do not panic.’

  The PA speaker fell silent.

  People started panicking.

  Some students screamed.

  Some students jumped up on their chairs.

  Some students screamed and jumped up on their chairs.

  But nobody screamed louder than Newton. ‘Aaaaggghhh!’ he wailed. ‘I’m scared of lions!’

  ‘You’re not the only one,’ said Gretel. ‘We’re all scared of lions!’

  ‘No, you don’t understand!’ said Newton. ‘On my top ten list of things that I’m scared of, lions take up nine places!’

  ‘You have a list?’ said Mr Brainfright.

  Newton nodded.

  ‘That you carry around with you?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Newton, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a crumpled piece of paper. He handed it to Mr Brainfright. ‘I have it right here.’

  25

  Newton’s top ten list of things he is scared of

  1.

  Lions

  1.

  Lions

  2.

  Lions

  3.

  Lions

  4.

  Lions

  5.

  Lions

  6.

  Lions

  7.

  Lions

  8.

  Lions

  9.

  Fred Durkin

  10.

  Lions

  26

  Escaped lion!

  Mr Brainfright handed Newton’s list back to him. ‘Most impressive,’ he said. ‘But don’t worry about a thing. As long as we don’t go outside you’ll be fine.’

  ‘Mr Brainfright,’ said Gina, ‘can Penny and I go outside for a minute?’

  ‘No, of course not!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘There’s a lion on the loose!’

  ‘But that’s exactly why we need to go outside!’ said Penny. ‘Our horses are tied up to a tree!’

  ‘I’m afraid not, girls,’ said Mr Brainfright, a little more gently. ‘It’s too risky.’

  ‘But they’ll get eaten by the lion!’ Gina cried.

  ‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’ said Jack. ‘If it eats your horses, then it will be too full to eat any of us!’

  Penny and Gina both looked horror-stricken and bolted for the door.

  ‘Stop them!’ said Mr Brainfright.

  Gretel, who was close to the door, stood up and blocked the way. ‘Sorry, girls,’ she said. ‘You heard Mr Brainfright. The horses are going to have to take their chances outside.’

  ‘If anything happens to them we’re going to hold you and Mr Brainfright responsible,’ said Penny, putting her arm around Gina, who was too upset to speak.

  ‘Now, calm down, everybody,’ said David, standing up at the front of the class. ‘We can get through this. We can. But it’s important that we don’t panic. We all need to lie on the floor and not move a muscle.’

  Everybody in the class, including Mr Brainfright, dropped to the ground.

  ‘What about me?’ said Jenny.

  In all the excitement we’d forgotten about Jenny.

  ‘You’re already lying down,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘You’ll be fine.’

  ‘Okay,’ said Jenny, who wasn’t smiling quite as much as before.

  ‘All right,’ said David. ‘Good work, everybody. If we all stay perfectly still the lion will assume we’re dead and move on.’

  ‘Hang on,’ said Fiona, sitting up. ‘That’s bears. That’s how you protect yourself against a bear attack!’

  ‘Oh . . . is it?’ said David, looking a little confused. ‘Maybe you’re right. Okay . . . actually, we don’t have to lie down but we should all stay completely still because lions have very poor eyesight.’

  Everybody got to their feet and froze like statues.

  ‘What about me?’ said Jenny.

  ‘Just don’t move,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘You’ll be fine.’

  ‘Okay,’ said Jenny, who wasn’t smiling at all now.

  ‘Just remember, everybody, don’t get downwind of the lion,’ said David, ‘because they have an extraordinarily well-developed sense of smell, and—’

  ‘That’s rhinoceroses,’ sai
d Fiona, ‘not lions!’

  ‘Really?’ said David, frowning.

  ‘Yes, of course!’ said Fiona. ‘Everybody knows that!’

  ‘Yeah,’ said David, blushing. ‘I was just joking.’

  ‘Joking at a time like this?’ I said.

  ‘It’s important to keep a sense of humour at all times,’ Mr Brainfright pointed out.

  ‘Not when you’re being ripped apart by a lion, it isn’t!’ I said.

  ‘No, you’re wrong, Henry,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘That’s when a sense of humour is especially important!’

  27

  Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 3

  It’s important to keep a sense of humour at all times—especially when you’re being ripped apart by a lion.

  28

  It’s here!

  David was practically hyperventilating as he tried to remember the correct method for dealing with lions in the classroom. ‘Hold on, I remember now,’ he gasped. ‘We all need to stomp and the vibrations will scare it away . . . lions are a lot more scared of us than we are of them!’

  Everybody started stomping loudly on the floor.

  ‘Stop!’ yelled Fiona. ‘That’s snakes! Not lions! STOP!

  But nobody stopped stomping. We were having too much fun.

  ‘Oh no!’ said Fiona. ‘Every lion for hundreds of miles around is going to be attracted to our classroom now!’

  ‘Look on the bright side,’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘What bright side?’ Fiona asked.

  ‘We should be fairly safe from snakes!’ he said, his eyes twinkling.

  ‘May I remind you that it wasn’t a snake that escaped from the circus,’ said Fiona. ‘It was a lion!’

  ‘Shush!’ yelled Gretel, her powerful voice cutting through the noise. Gretel was standing on a chair, peering out through the top row of windows that ran alongside the corridor.

  Everybody stopped stomping instantly.

  ‘What?’ I said.

  But she didn’t answer. She just screamed. ‘IT’S HERE!’ she yelled. ‘The lion is in the corridor!’

  ‘See what you did?’ Fiona said to David.

  ‘Well, I’m sorry!’ he said. ‘But I was just trying to help, you know!’

  Suddenly there was a huge crash against the classroom door.

  I caught a glimpse of a huge angry slobbering face at the window. And for once it wasn’t Mrs Cross coming to tell Mr Brainfright to keep the noise down. It was a lion. The lion.

  ‘Goodness gracious,’ exclaimed Mr Brainfright, ‘look at it! What a magnificent beast! No wonder they call the lion “the king of the jungle”!’

  The lion crashed against the door again. The door shook.

  ‘Quick!’ said Gretel, dragging a desk across the floor, despite her broken wrist. ‘Help me barricade the door!’

  But it was too late.

  Before we could help Gretel there was another huge crash. The door fell off its hinges. The lion leaped across it and into the room.

  ‘Everybody stay calm!’ said David.

  The lion roared.

  David screamed and jumped out the window.

  29

  Kitty

  The lion roared again and moved towards the window as if it were going to follow David . . . but then it stopped, turned and looked at Jenny’s top half.

  Jenny was still lying in the magic box, staring in horror at the lion.

  ‘Don’t move, Jenny,’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘I can’t!’ she said very quietly.

  The lion advanced slowly towards her.

  We all stared.

  Except for Mr Brainfright, who picked up a chair with one hand, slid his belt off with the other and cracked it above his head like a whip.

  The lion turned and snarled at him.

  Mr Brainfright waved the chair at the lion and cracked his belt-whip again as if he had been a professional lion tamer before becoming a school teacher. And knowing Mr Brainfright, he probably had been.

  But the lion wasn’t interested in being tamed.

  It roared at Mr Brainfright and then turned back to Jenny.

  Then, to everybody’s amazement, Newton spoke. Well, it was more of a squeak really. But it was very brave of him nonetheless. ‘Leave her alone!’ he squeaked.

  The lion turned towards him.

  ‘Yikes!’ said Newton.

  Just at that moment the lion opened its massive jaws and roared.

  Newton’s arm shot up into the air, and his lucky rabbit’s foot flew out of his hand and straight at the lion’s head.

  The not-so-lucky-now rabbit’s foot went shooting into the lion’s open mouth and right down into its throat.

  The roar turned into a strangled rasp. The lion started heaving and making a weird coughing noise, just like a cat with a hairball.

  ‘Somebody do something!’ said Jenny, who couldn’t stand to see anything suffer, even if it was a mad beast that had just considered eating her. ‘The poor thing is choking!’

  ‘Never fear, Brainfright is here!’ said Mr Brainfright. He put down his chair and belt and leaped to the lion’s rescue. With one arm around its neck, Mr Brainfright held it tight while he reached down into its throat and pulled out the rabbit’s foot. It was covered in lion’s spit, but still intact.

  ‘Here you are, Newton,’ he said, tossing the soggy rabbit’s foot across the classroom.

  Newton caught it, and grinned. ‘Thanks, Mr Brainfright,’ he said.

  ‘No, thank you, Newton,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘That was very quick thinking on your part. If it hadn’t been for you, Jenny would have been devoured in front of our very eyes . . . well, her top half at least!’

  Newton’s grin quickly faded.

  ‘But I wasn’t!’ said Jenny quickly. ‘Thank you, Newton!’

  Newton managed a small smile in response.

  The lion licked Mr Brainfright’s hand. ‘Do a lion a favour and it’s your friend for life,’ he said. He patted the lion on the head. ‘He’s just like a big kitten, really. And he’s even got a collar with a little bell and a nametag on it. Let’s see what he’s called.’

  Mr Brainfright flipped the nametag around. ‘How fitting!’ he said. ‘His name is Kitty!’

  At the sound of its name the lion purred with pleasure and nudged Mr Brainfright affectionately.

  But at the sound of its name my stomach dropped.

  Jenny had used the pencil to draw herself getting a kitten.

  She’d got a ‘kitten’ all right . . . and it had almost killed her.

  That pencil was not only dangerous, it had a sick sense of humour as well.

  ‘I’d like to get out of the box now,’ said Jenny. ‘Can you put me back together again?’

  ‘Of course!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I’ll just let the circus know we’ve found their lion and be right with you!’

  30

  Mr Brainfright’s guide to protecting yourself against lions in the classroom

  Reading the preceding chapter may have got you worried about lions getting into your classroom. Relax—it’s probably not going to happen.

  Nevertheless, after our lion attack Mr Brainfright came up with this handy guide to protecting yourself against lions.

  We put it up in our classroom and I think it would be a good idea if you were to photocopy it and put it up in yours.

  As Jenny’s mother says, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

  1.

  Make sure the corridor is well lit so that you can see a lion if one is present.

  2.

  Remove corridor clutter to eliminate hiding places for lions. Make it difficult for lions to approach unseen.

  3.

  Make lots of noise if you come and go between dusk and dawn, the times lions are active.

  4.

  Keep the classroom door closed. Don’t let a lion into your classroom under any circumstances, no matter how nicely it asks.

  5.

  When you leave the classroo
m, go in groups and make plenty of noise to reduce your chances of surprising a lion. A sturdy walking stick is a good idea, since it can be used to ward off a lion. Make sure you stay close together and within sight of each other at all times.

  6.

  Don’t approach a lion, especially one that is feeding or with cubs. Most lions will try to avoid a confrontation. Give them a way to escape.

  7.

  Stay calm when a lion breaks into your classroom. Stop or back away slowly if you can do so safely. Running may stimulate a lion’s instinct to chase and attack. Face the lion and stand upright.

  8.

  Do what you can to appear larger. Raise your arms and open your jacket if you are wearing one.

  9.

  If the lion behaves aggressively, throw books or pencil cases without crouching down or turning your back. Wave your arms slowly and speak firmly. Your goal is to convince the lion that you are not prey and that you may be a danger to it.

  10.

  Fight back if a lion attacks you. Lions have been driven away by prey that fights back. People have fought back successfully with rocks, sticks, jackets, garden tools and their bare hands. Remain standing or try to get back up if you fall.

  31

  My dream

  That night I dreamed that I was running down an endless school corridor, being chased by a lion.

  But it wasn’t a normal lion—it was a pencil lion. Its mane wasn’t made of hair, it was made of pencils. Its claws were not normal claws, but ultra-sharpened pencil lead.

  I ran and ran, but no matter how fast I pushed myself the lion was always right on my heels. I could smell its breath. It smelled like pencil shavings.