"I just want to be normal," I whispered and moved away from him to look out into the woods that lined the edge of the property.
"There's no such thing as normal, Shawnee." He got up to stand beside me.
I turned to face him, leaning against the frame of the swing. "Xany's normal," I said and wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. "She can have fun, and be silly, and drink when she wants, and have sex with Caden all the time without getting scared or freaking out. She's normal."
"Xany's normal?" He stared at me.
"Yeah, she's normal." I sniffled.
"If Xany is normal then damn, we're all in trouble," he said.
"Don't try and make me laugh," I said, though with a smirk. He smiled.
"Does this mean you want to be normal like Vanessa, too?"
I gawked at him. "Vanessa is not normal."
"Nor is Xany."
I sighed and looked out into the night. "I still want to be normal." Mal put his hand on my shoulder and tears leaked down my cheeks."There's something I haven't told you."
"Then tell me," he said.
"I've never told anyone because it seemed irrelevant." My bottom lip quivered as I tried to hold onto my voice. Mal brushed my hair from my face when I turned to look at him again. His eyes were soft and steady. I dropped my gaze to address his boots. What I was about to tell him could change everything.
"What is it?" he asked gently.
"I'm useless." Even though I wasn't looking at him, I could sense his frown.
"You are not useless, Shawnee."
"I am. I'm useless. I can't have kids, okay? I can't. There's no sense in being mated to me when I can't give you the most normal thing in the world," I burst forth. The muscles in my legs twitched as my instinct to run kicked in. I saw Mal's thigh muscles tighten as if he could sense it, too.
"Look at me," he said.
I shook my head.
"Look at me," he repeated. This time I did. "I love you for you, not for what you can or cannot give me, Shawnee."
I wanted to believe him but I could hear the murmur of my father's voice sneaking up on me. I tried hard to block it out. Useless, it said.
"It's my birthrite as a Breeder, Mal. That's what Breeders are supposed to do, breed," I said, angrily wiping away my tears. He pulled me into a hug that was nearly crushing. I resisted at first but his grip seemed to squash the voices out of my head.
"I love you. Nothing, and I mean nothing will change that," he said, his voice guttural and forceful.
I cried openly now. He lifted me into his arms and sat down on the swing, guiding my legs around his middle. I cried against his shoulder. What scared me the most was that I believed that he loved me. He rubbed my back and kissed my neck as if nothing had ever happened and for the first time, I was soothed by him in a way that Vanessa had never been able to soothe me. Resting against him as he engulfed my frame, I felt safe. Safer than I think I had ever felt.
When my crying turned to quieter sobs, he rubbed my back until I was able to lean back and look at him. "I love you, too," I croaked.
He brushed my hair from my face. "There are plenty of lost cubs out there who would do well to have a mother like you," he said, his expression as steady as ever.
My heart skipped a beat when I heard him and my brain fought to understand his words. Had I really believed he would reject me because of my infertility? I'd seen it happen so many times, even if the mate bond was already in place. Guilt had washed over me for underestimating him.
"Wa-do," I said, thanking him in our native tongue.
"Tla, wa-do," he responded.
"I'm sorry for being a cry baby." I sniffled, and used my sleeve to wipe the tears from my face.
"No apologies," he said and bumped my forehead with his.
"Can we go home?"
"Of course. C'mon," he said and stood with me still wrapped around him.
***
That night, Mal and I fell asleep together on the sofa after watching the late night news. Caden and Xany returned home well after midnight and I awoke to them making quite a racket in the bedroom. Instinctively I checked my cell phone to see that Vanessa had sent me a message to say that she would stay at her apartment that night because her parents were visiting again. I disliked the fact that Vanessa couldn't participate in Sept activities, but I was glad she hadn't spent the night alone.
It was still dark out when Caden woke up Mal to remind him of their turn to patrol that morning. Mal grumbled and kissed me hastily before rushing, barely awake, out of the cabin with Caden.
I went to my room and changed into a pair of sweats before climbing into my own bed. Mal wasn't kidding when he said I was thinking a lot, and my thoughts kept on going. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep so instead I opened my window and watched the sun come up through the trees. Even this early in the morning, I could feel the heat begin to rise. I thought about maybe taking Mal to lunch again today when he got back. It was sort of becoming a habit of ours, especially when Vanessa wasn't home.
When my room was fully lit with daylight, there was a knock at my door. "Come in," I said, and in walked a freshly showered Xany who was as giddy as could be. She skipped over to my bed. I sat up to lean against the headboard and watched her with a smile.
"Have fun last night?" I asked.
"Mhmm, the funniest thing was when they threw Caden in the pool like he was a twenty-pound beagle." She giggled.
"That was great," I said and smiled at the memory.
"Where'd you and Mal go off to?"
"We went for a walk and stuff." I put my pillow in my lap.
"Are you still having trouble with stuff?" Xany asked, stealing my word.
"Yeah, I guess. I don't really feel like talking about it."
"You never feel like talking about it." Xany put her hand on my stomach as it was the closest part of me to her. "What's the hardest part?" she asked.
"Everything is."
"Drama queen." She giggled. "It can't be everything because I see you kiss him all the time. Tell me really, what's the hardest part?"
"Thinking that things will hurt." I huffed at her.
"Does it?"
"Yes... No... I don't know."
"Nee! It's just like your scar, remember?" she said and tugged down the waist of my pants to expose the top of my scar.
"Stop that," I said and swatted her hand.
"Your body is sensitive, NeeNee. Like your scar. Just give it a try," she said and used her fingertip to tickle my scar before leaning down to give it a kiss.
I laughed and just as I was about to bop her with a pillow for being so ridiculously invasive, Vanessa appeared beside the bed after bending in through the window. Her eyes went immediately to Xany and growls erupted from her chest. I sat up quickly and scooted away from Xany.
"Vanessa, it's not what you think," I said quickly, knowing full well her reaction was because of the position she'd seen us in. Xany seemed clueless as to what drove Vanessa's aggression when she turned to meet her gaze.
"Tell her she's being silly, Ness," Xany said, not skipping a beat.
Vanessa's eyes were a bright yellow with vertical slits that told me about her anger. She roared at Xany and made a swatting motion toward her.
"Away!" she shouted, her voice raspy and almost masculine.
"Vanessa, stop it," I said.
"Sheesh, what's got your panties in a bundle?" Xany said to her.
She turned and hissed at me. I could see the white fur bristling along her skin. She balled her hands into fists and looked back at Xany, who was holding her ground. Xany stood up face to face with Vanessa, who dug her nails deep into the palms of her hands.
"Away!" she shouted again at Xany, though this time she said it on the breath of a roar. I watched as her ears slowly morphed into feline ears that poked through her hair.
"No," Xany said and took a step in front of me protectively. "What's wrong with you?"
"She thinks you were doing something
to me, Xee," I said, riddled with worry about the escalating situation. Xany's body blocked me from Vanessa.
Vanessa lifted her right hand and swung it in Xany's direction. Instead of making contact, she spun quickly and overturned the writing table. It split in two. Xany didn't flinch but I ducked as wooden debris littered the floor.
"Away!" she shouted and bent down to look Xany in the face. Vanessa had grown at least six inches as her beast began to take her over.
"Vanessa! Stop it!" I shouted fruitlessly. Xany looked Vanessa right in the eye, continuing to stand protectively in front of me. It was not a good idea to stare down a weretiger, or any werecreature. I was suddenly terrified for Xany.
"Not until you simmer down," Xany said calmly. "I won't let you hurt her."
Vanessa roared and raged. This time she turned and put her fist right through one the logs that made up the exterior walls of the cabin. A burst of daylight prickled through it. She yanked her hand back angrily. Her bones cracked, popped, and reshaped into the massive beast that could be nothing other than a weretiger. Her shoulders were hunched against the ceiling and her massive torso completely blocked the window. Her entire body was snow-white with black stripes snaking around her furry muscles with the elegance of calligraphic swirls. Xany hopped up onto the bed and stood directly in front of me. She was nowhere near eye level to Vanessa, but she was much closer than she would have been on the floor. It was that moment when I realized I had never seen Vanessa this close while in beast form. The fear rose in me like a bottle rocket shooting toward the sky.
"Get away from her!" Xany shouted and thrust out her chest as if she were any sort of match for the weretiger in front of her. Vanessa leaned down and roared so loudly that it made Xany's hair blow back off of her face.
"Vanessa, please," I begged and gripped my chest as images of Vanessa tearing Xany to pieces infected my mind. Suddenly, she turned to look at me. Her nostrils flared, she could smell my fear.
"You're scaring her," Xany said and frowned at Vanessa. "And I'm not moving until you stop."
Vanessa lifted her whiskered lip at Xany, but kept her eyes on me. I put my head down on my knees and listened as Vanessa's bones began to pop as she shifted back to her human form. Even though I wasn't looking at her, I could tell that her eyes never left me. When I looked up, Vanessa went to move toward me but Xany threw her arm out to stop her. Vanessa hissed and clenched her teeth as if fighting the urge to take a bite out of Xany—or at least that's what I imagined she was fighting.
"Enough," Xany said, with a firmness to her voice that mimicked Caden's.
Vanessa stared at her for a good while. Xany moved her arm when Vanessa's eyes were green again. The room was suddenly quiet. Vanessa sat down on the bed. Xany stepped aside only when she was sure that she could trust her. I looked up at Vanessa, my fear turned to anger.
"How could you even think..." I started but trailed off. Vanessa remained silent but reached out to touch my hair, I pushed her hand away. "No. Don't touch me, don't even..." I said, tears pouring down my cheeks. Vanessa looked hurt.
"Did you really think I was sexing her?" Xany asked, her hands falling to her hips.
Vanessa glanced at her and nodded.
"Give me a break, sheesh," Xany said. "Not every girl who hugs Shawnee is gonna have sex with her, Vanessa."
"Mine." Vanessa growled at Xany, but I wasn't sure if it was for effect or if she meant it.
"She might be yours but she's Mal's, too. If you react like that when he's touching her, then neither one of you is going to be around long enough to be with her. You could have hurt Shawnee by breaking things like that. Caden's not going to be happy about the wall either," Xany said.
Vanessa glanced at me, but I continued to frown at her. Xany made a good point. How was it ever going to work between any of us if there was so much...tension?
"I'm sorry," Vanessa said finally.
"Did you really think Xany was doing something to me?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Well she wasn't. Next time maybe think about what you're seeing before jumping to conclusions, okay?" I lectured.
"Okay," she said. The expression on her face, the downcast nature of her gaze, told me that she felt bad about lashing out. I sighed and gave in. I reached over and pulled her into a hug. She melted into me and glanced at Xany a little pathetically. A quiet mew slipped from her lips.
Chapter Eleven
Even when she was asleep she was attractive. It didn't matter whether she was neat or messy. Her lips were everlasting pink and her hair a bright contrast against the white pillowcase. I watched her while she slept. Soft rhythmic breaths lifted her torso. Every so often the hint of a purr would rattle along with an exhale. I stroked her hair, tucking a loose strand behind her ear while I thought about earlier this morning. Vanessa nearly tore Xany to pieces and the hole in my wall was no laughing matter. If Xany had been Mal instead, a surefire battle would've ensued. How was I supposed to satisfy both of them? Two feral mates, what was I thinking? I couldn't even handle myself and my own urges, desires, or fears. A Breeder is supposed to be the sole source of comfort for their mates. What if I wasn't enough for either of them?
When the sun blared fully into my bedroom, Vanessa stirred. Her eyes peeked open and she squinted up at me, a small smile spreading across her lips. A moment later, she was asleep again. I pulled the blanket up over her and slipped from the bed. She snuggled into the warmth and then covered her head with the pillow. Some cats liked to sleep through the day, as long as the sun didn't bother them too much.
The cabin was quiet even though it was late morning. Mal and Caden were most likely still patrolling. I could sense their presence like souls sitting on my collarbone. The pressure was there, but I could tell they were far away. Miles even. When the pack was close by, their essences moved through me like liquid. Xany was closer than the guys, but still out of earshot.
While I waited for the shower to warm up, I thought about what Mal and I discussed at Hank's party. I'd never told anyone that I couldn't have kids, or cubs. It didn't seem to matter, until I found a mate. In medical school, I ran some tests on myself. Most of them came back normal, but after all the semi-conscious unprotected sex I've had during my drunken stupors, I was bound to get pregnant at some point. It never happened. It's a good thing Breeders and Changers can't contract STDs or I would've really been in trouble. It was safe to assume that I just couldn't get pregnant. I thought it might be because of my scar, or internal scars or something. I was too chicken to find out for certain. It was easier to accept it this way rather than know for certain that something my father had done to me stripped me of another normal human right.
The patter of the hot water on my shoulders brought a sense of clean comfort. Washing the day away was almost like washing away the stains of life. Each time I watched the water swirl down the drain, I said goodbye to discomfort for a time. I let the water run over my face, opening and closing my mouth. Sometimes I imagined what it would be like to visit a hot spring or a waterfall. Maybe Mal would take me. Vanessa wouldn't, that's for sure. She can barely stand the rain.
A cool waft of air rushed over the shower curtain and pulled me from my thoughts. Xany was going to have to work on adjusting her bathroom schedule around my showers. Or I'd ask Caden to put a lock on the door.
"Xee, really? You couldn't wait five minutes?" I said, my voice echoing off the tiles. There was no answer. The draft dissipated in an instant. I shrugged. Maybe I'd offended her, but she really needed to respect my privacy, at least sometimes. I turned back to the water and rinsed the shampoo from my hair, closing my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again, the shower curtain was pulled back and there stood Vanessa. I gasped and nearly lost my footing in the slippery tub.
"Jeeze, baby, you could've answered me. I thought you were Xany." I clutched my chest as the tepid water poured over my arms. Vanessa didn't say anything, just stood there watching me for a moment. As I was about to speak, she nu
dged the nightgown off her shoulders. It tumbled from her body like a crumbling glacier and pooled at her feet. She stepped into the shower with me and pulled the curtain closed behind her. Only then did a smile play across her reddened lips.
"This is new," I said as I smiled up at her. Her snicker echoed along the tile and her hands fell to my waist. I watched her, not quite sure what she was doing. Vanessa had invaded my showers before but not usually naked, and not usually joining me. It used to be more of a rescue effort. I couldn't help but admire her form. In the dim light of the bathroom, shadows masked her curves and left the image of a perfect porcelain stature. Ethereal, almost unreal. With her head tipped back, she let the water run over her hair and shoulders. Droplets trickled down her neck and over her supple breasts, hardening her pink nipples before plunging between us. Did she know how perfect she was? How unblemished?
Last night, Mal told me that sometimes I didn't touch him when we kissed. I knew he meant that sometimes I didn't touch him when the time was right, when he wanted it the most. Vanessa's body ached to be touched. I'm not sure how I knew that. Maybe because of the way she touches me, as if she's showing me what she wants or needs. I mimicked her first and placed my hands on her waist. She emerged from the water, blinked away a few drips from her eyelashes, and met my gaze. Her eyes were dark, a deeper green than usual.
I tried my best not to gnaw through my lip as I slid my hands up her body and brushed my fingertips over her breasts. She lifted her chin to me, accepting my touch, then leaned forward, her hands on mine, and kissed me. Her lips seemed to sigh as she pressed me backward, my torso against the saturated tiles. Vanessa held me there with her kiss and hands that cupped my breasts. Something stirred inside me, something powerful like want or longing. It was different, standing up in the shower, than it was in bed or in Mal's lap. Her fingers gently wandered down toward my hips and her knee found its way between mine. I held tightly to her as her tongue burst between my lips and we moved together. She lifted me some, which broke our kiss, then lowered me to sit on the edge of the bathtub. Her eyes on me warmed my skin, my body, and maybe even my blood. Something stirred in my very core when her smooth, wet skin pressed against my center.
Birthrite (Legacy Series Book 2) Page 10
