Nuclear Family

by Susanna Fogel

  Your Dad, Who Asked Your Last Boyfriend If He Watches Porn, Is Wondering Why He Hasn’t Met Your New Guy

  Dear Julie,

  While having a routine dental checkup this morning, I had my routine check-in with Dr. Leung about your love life (it seems your mother was recently fitted for a costly mouthguard—one wonders if this is the sort of “miscellaneous expense” to which my sizable alimony is directed). In any case, Dr. Leung mentioned you have a new love interest.

  I wonder why you didn’t share this happy news with your own father sooner. I remember fondly a time when you were more forthcoming in matters of the heart.

  Speaking of intimacy, I read your latest online article regarding Jennifer Aniston and the rumor that all her close friends are on her payroll. Did I tell you that while in medical school, I diagnosed one of her uncles with a rare form of brain cancer, saving his life?

  So it would seem that when it comes to the Anistons, one member of our family giveth, and the other taketh away.

  Love,

  Dad

  Your New Boyfriend’s Dog Has Some Words of Caution

  Madam,

  Please forgive my formality in addressing you thusly. We English bloodhounds are exceedingly well bred and hold the fairer sex in the highest esteem, never using a term so crude as “bitch” to refer to those who whelped us.

  I trust you will agree that we have established a certain familiarity in the five months you have been engaged in a romantic relationship with my master. Night after night, I perch at the foot of Raj’s bed as you two partake of the pleasures of the flesh, averting my noble gaze out of respect but unable to ignore the passion you share mere metres from where I lay my head. Your mutual relief in having found one another in this lonely metropolis called the City of Angels is truly heartening. After, as your twin heartbeats slow, I have solemnly absorbed intimate confessions of your deepest secrets: your adolescent body dysmorphia, your consuming anxiety concerning your mother’s downward spiral in the wake of her divorce from your father, who may for his part be skipping his prescribed doses of lithium. Likewise, my master has allowed you to glimpse his innermost fear: will his independent rock band fail to transcend in a marketplace already so saturated with musical outfits that combine the instrumentation of nineteen-eighties synth pop with warmer, folk-inspired harmonies in the vein of Jeff Tweedy and Wilco? Never do I allow my eyelids—already so heavy, as is my breed’s birthright—to close until you both have dozed off to sleep, his arms curled around your tiny frame, safe in his care as you enter a dreamscape of fantasies that this could last forever.

  It is with a leaden heart that I must inform you that Raj would make a completely unsuitable partner for you in the long term.

  I daresay, on the surface I understand his appeal as a companion. Raj’s broad shoulders, commanding baritone, and impeccable taste in slim-fitting, subtly tattered corduroy blazers suggest erudition and refinement, the kind of man who is familiar with varietals of wine you have never even heard of, yet also understands the value of a spontaneous road trip. In dreaming of a life together, one cannot help but envisage fireside cuddles on a couch in Vermont, a delightfully quirky wedding ceremony scored with original compositions by the groom himself, perhaps a trip to India to meet his extended family, during which you would surely convince his grandmother, whose dying wish is that he marry an Indian woman from their specific caste and village in Gujarat, that she may now rest in peace.

  Although the nature of my relationship with Raj is admittedly distinct, I once imagined a version of such companionship myself: snowy walks in the woods, a naughty, secret nonverbal communiqué at dinner parties as he slips me scraps of roast chicken or tilapia under the table, a forever home in his lap. And indeed, in the year after he rescued me, my master found me delightful, commemorating our newfound bond with photographs of me peacefully resting across his knee, which he proudly shared with his entire online community.

  As time wore on, however, Raj’s true nature as a partner revealed itself. Wholly unprepared was I for the callous brute who now checks his e-mail repeatedly when I need to be exercised, the tormentor who makes me wait hours for food as he scrolls endlessly through photographs of glorious meals posted by friends of friends he has only met once, the heartless cur who once became so intoxicated while watching a game of American football that he neglected to let me outside to relieve myself before he retired to his bedroom, leaving me no choice but to soil the living-room rug. I fear you are bound for a similar fate. However charming Raj may act in these first few months, these halcyon days filled with the food-truck festivals and Netflix marathons of early courtship, make no mistake: a life as his companion is one of constantly feeling inadequate, far less compelling than the games of virtual Scrabble he plays on the toilet. Sadder still would be to bring a child into this world together, only to find you have victimized an innocent at the hand of his punishing neglect. (I may be remiss in assuming this as a hazard; if so, forgive me. My species does not practice this so-called “pull-out method” to which you have resorted, at Raj’s behest, in the bedroom.)

  Lest you see these cautionary words as betokening some sort of aristocratic bias on my part, on the basis of Raj’s heritage, I should mention that I myself am no stranger to hurtful profiling on the basis of race. Being one-eighth Afghan hound, I have encountered all manner of nasty assumptions in my lifetime, particularly in light of our global political situation. Nay, my concern for your fate is entirely humanistic, specific to my master himself and rooted in the pain of my own devastated dreams of an idyllic life together as man and beast.

  Should you choose to heed my warning, I will surely miss your company; the two evenings I spent at your apartment while Raj attended his former roommate’s bachelor party in Nevada remain two of the happiest in all my life. Never shall I forget our hours-long hike around the reservoir with your friend Jordana and her enchanting (if unfortunately proportioned) dachshund, nor your thought-provoking meditation on whether either of you would ever consider freezing your eggs. For whatever my opinion may be worth, I think this is an option worth considering as you await a partner who truly deserves you.

  Yours in perpetuity,

  Morrissey the bloodhound

  Postscript—Despite my misgivings about you and my master as a suitable pair, rest assured that I have always approved of your preferred position for physical coupling. In the days before my neutering, that was my favorite style as well.

  Your Grandma Rose Heard You Got Fucked Over

  Julie, I got your message about your Indian friend. That’s too bad. He was cute. Maybe you expect too much from these men. All you young people expect too much now. You kids talk about men like you’re in a salad bar and you can just choose a scoop of everything you want on your plate and skip the coleslaw if you don’t like coleslaw. The truth is a man is his own plate, and you just have to eat it even if it comes with coleslaw, which it always does.

  Your Grandma Rose Has a Slightly Different Take on Infidelity

  Julie, I got your e-mail. I didn’t know there was another woman in the picture with your Indian friend, but I still think your expectations are too high. Willie had girlfriends after we got married. When we were living in Italy, while he was a doctor for the air force, there was a young girl who came to clean the hospital at night. He started staying late most nights. I never learned her name, but I knew what was going on. I’m not stupid. But I got to live in Italy, so I figured as long as he doesn’t knock her up … Luckily, we moved back to New York before that happened. Maybe luck isn’t the right word, because the reason we left Italy was that we were Jewish and the Germans were starting to say some things we didn’t like the sound of.

  Your Dad, a Neurologist, Has Some Advice about Your Writing Career

  Dear Julie,

  Have you ever heard of someone named Lena Dunham? She is significantly younger than you, but look her up. It may be useful to consider having a career like hers.

  Dad
/>   Your Sister Thinks a Road Trip to Visit Her Slutty Birth Mom Might Be Fun

  Hey Babes!

  First things first i saw the pix of elisa’s wedding and you looked gorge. even tho her bridesmaids dresses were kind of ugly!!! and why did she make u guys wear those huge necklaces? wait you said Elisa designs jewelry now. OMG were those her creations??!?!?! no wonder she is struggling in her work life hahaha. shes really nice tho im glad she met a dude. i still remember the first time i met her when i came to visit u at college when i was like 11 and she got me stoned while u were at class and you got soooooo fuckin mad at her! little did u know id already been smoking weed for like two years AND stealing random pills from dads office whenever he got samples for work LOL. i love how dad was basically my dealer. shit that man is so lucky i didn’t fuckin OD! like lock up your business dude there are innocent children in your house!

  oh also was that guy sitting next to u in the pix your ex-boyfriend ben? that guy was soooo in love with u. OMG remember when u broke up and he left a basket of vitamins outside yr door with a love note that was all YOU NEVER GOT ENOUGH CALCIUM JULIE. so fuckin creepy. did he try to hit it again???

  so more importantly … the reason i am writing u. you know how i told you i called the adoption agency and they gave me my mother’s name? ummmmm ok its so weird to say my mother and not be talking about our crazy-ass mom. whatever u know who i mean. anyway i found the woman on FB and then i was out with my store manager getting happy hr and we got super fuckin trashed and i requested her and she approved me and i FB chatted her??? like um hi lady u don’t know me but ummmmm remember that time u didn’t use a condom with a dude u didn’t even know? about that … haha.

  but yah her name is kim and she seems nice actually. she said if i ever pass thru where she lives i should email her … and guess what? it turns out she lives in cali now. i guess she has her own salon in bakersfield wherever the fuck that is? so i was wondering if I drove up from AZ would you ever wanna go up there with me for the day to meet this random lady??? we cd even stay overnight at some cheap-ass motel and go do random shit in this town when we’re done with coffee? i looked up bakersfield and theres like six gun ranges if u are interested in going shooting? lemme guess … you do NOT want to do that haha. maybe there is bowling or something more yr speed. i will look it up after i find a coffee shop to try and meet this lady at. the adoption website thingy I am on says go to a coffee shop with yr mother because its public and safe but like excuse me people but what could this lady do that is worse than abandoning a fuckin newborn baby?!

  OMG maybe I should meet kim at the fuckin gun range haha. or maybe there is a coffee shop at the gun range hahahahaha.

  so yah just let me know if u are interested. i would just need 3–4 days notice so i can request time off from my boss. he will def give it to me because he has been macking on me aaaaaaaall fuckin year. its like ok dude slow your roll! u are 40!!!! go pick on someone yr own age hahaha.

  Luv u to the moon + backkkkkkk

  jane

  Ps—if i do end up passing thru yr hood can we go to the petersen automotive museum? is that near you? i wanna see where Biggie got shot.

  Your Emotionally Withholding Dad Has Some More Career Advice

  Julie,

  I just read the article in the New York Times Magazine about the next generation of young female novelists. In case you missed it, there are interviews with dozens of women under thirty who already have lucrative book deals. Some have also already been nominated for (or won) prestigious literary awards.

  It might be helpful to your career if you could get yourself featured in the New York Times.

  Dad

  Your Mom’s Rabbi Has a Great Idea for a TV Show!

  Dear Julie,

  My name is Josh Salz and I’m the new rabbi at Temple Emanuel. Your mother probably told you I would be contacting you about an idea I have for a TV show that I believe could be a huge hit.

  So where do I start? Well, how about the beginning. When people think of rabbinical school, they probably picture bookish types who spend all their time thinking about the Torah. This could not be further from the truth. It’s more like a prime-time soap opera with a constant stream of scandals, steamy love affairs, and bitter rivalries. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been in the middle of telling someone a true story from my life and they stop me and tell me this could be on television. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to focus on writing it because my work hours are very demanding and I have two sons in Junior High. It’s a shame, because I took a creative writing class at Syracuse and I know I have the talent, but in life we make choices. That’s exactly what my show is about …

  The main characters:

  RABBI JAKE is the older, wiser rabbi in his early forties who counsels all the students. He seems to have it all together, with a beautiful wife and two sons in Junior High. But the show will keep flashing back to when he was at the rabbinical school twenty years ago and learning these lessons for the first time. He was the resident heartbreaker on campus, and in flashbacks we will see him sleeping with all the hottest girls, including many who were not Jewish. Even now, most of his female students are attracted to him and are always turning his office hours into opportunities to try to have affairs with him. This will cause a lot of conflict in the show. There is also conflict with the rabbi’s family, because his sons are both straight-A students and there is a lot of jealousy in the community about that. His older son, Max, got in the 99th percentile on his PSATs and was recruited by the Johns Hopkins gifted-student summer program. That could be an episode. And every episode of the show would start with Rabbi Jake delivering a sermon to his class. We can use my actual sermons for this part because they have a huge impact on people. I would love to bring that kind of emotion to millions of viewers every week who are sick and tired of the same old CSI. CASTING IDEAS: Clive Owen.

  MIRIAM had always been daddy’s little girl. But when she chose to enter the Yeshiva, her father stopped speaking to her because he is Orthodox and does not approve of female rabbis. Miriam reacted to this by spiraling out of control. She is the first person to try to have an affair with Rabbi Jake, and when he rejects her, she openly eats a ham-and-cheese sandwich in the middle of one of his lectures for revenge. She is wild and unpredictable … and that’s exactly what makes her so sexy. CASTING IDEAS: Zooey Deschanel (she just converted to Judaism and would be perfect for the part).

  ELLIOTT was raised by liberal Jews who rarely went to temple. Then his parents died in one of the hijacked planes on 9/11, and Elliott turned to faith for answers. Elliott is very shy and buttoned up, the “nice guy” who girls always like as just a friend. He will end up turning to Rabbi Jake to teach him his ways with women, and with Jake’s help he eventually becomes the class Don Juan. But the one girl he wants, he can’t have: Miriam, who only has eyes for Jake. CASTING IDEAS: Andrew Garfield (he’s British but he can do the accent).

  DAVID is the comic relief of the show. He is gay (training to be a reconstructionist rabbi), with crazy hair and style, but his options for dating are obviously limited at school. He always jokes that he is going to “turn” Rabbi Jake. We can always count on David to tell it like it is, even if it flies in the face of other people’s expectations or the Torah. Casting ideas: The page from 30 Rock.

  And now, some episode ideas …

  —Miriam steals a statue of Maimonides from the middle of campus (my ex-girlfriend actually did this) and holds it for ransom. The other characters have to convince her to bring it back before she gets expelled. Will Miriam really throw away her chance to be a rabbi just for some childish rebellion?

  —Rabbi Jake convinces Elliott to go to therapy to finally deal with his parents’ deaths, but Elliott starts having flashbacks (we can use actual footage of the 9/11 attacks) and ends up running away from campus. Everyone has to work together to find him. The final scene, which would be filmed in the Pentagon, will be incredibly powerful.

  —Dav
id meets the perfect guy while shadowing Rabbi Jake at a bris. So what’s the problem? The love of his life is the baby’s father, and he’s married to a woman! Oy vey! This would be more of a comedy episode. At one point they can get trapped in a coat closet together, which is obviously ironic. A title for this episode could be “In the Closet.”

  —A terrorist threat by a local branch of ISIS causes a lockdown at the school temple. Rabbi Jake must negotiate with the terrorists to free three of the hostages … David, Miriam, and Elliott. Rabbi Jake ends up outsmarting ISIS.

  —A very special episode will take place in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Rabbi Jake is flown in by a wealthy couple to officiate their daughter’s bat mitzvah and ends up hanging out with Jay Z, who is performing at the party because the girl’s father is his lawyer. This is actually something that happened to me, so I bet we could get Jay Z on the show. None of the other characters need to be in this one.

  There are lot more ideas where that came from. This wouldn’t be a lot of work for you because I have all the stories, I just need someone to write them down. Let’s try to talk next week. My schedule is packed, but I’ll make the time.

  Rabbi Joshua Salz

  Sent from my AdonaiPhone

  Your Mom Needs Your Help Picking Out a Cool CD

  Hi sweetie,

  I just found an e-mail in my “outbox” that I thought had been sent to you earlier in the week. It’s possible my computer was broken that day. I’m going to make an appointment at the Apple Store to have them take a look at my computer so this doesn’t happen again. I was writing you to ask if the new rabbi at my temple can contact you with an idea he has for a television show that sounds fabulous. I know you don’t write for television, but I thought since you live in Hollywood you might have some friends who did and might be able to help him. Maybe he already reached out to you.