Playing With Fire

by Mary Larkin

  ‘You’re very kind, Aunt Edith, but I don’t think so.’

  ‘You’re talking nonsense! And you know it.’

  Determined to put an end to this embarrassing conversation, Susan quickly piled turnip, carrot and potato on her plate and tucked into the thick casserole. ‘Mm . . . this is delicious.’ If only she were getting married, she lamented inwardly. Then her problems would be non-existent and she certainly wouldn’t be sitting here in Darlington. How could she have been so foolish? Just because Jim Brady had scorned her advances, she had thrown caution to the winds, and look where it had got her.

  There was jam roly-poly and custard for dessert and then Edith rose to her feet and started to clear the table. ‘You sit over by the fire, love, and I’ll make you a nice wee cup of tea.’

  Pushing back her chair, Susan objected. ‘Oh, no. I’ll clear up. You sit down, Aunt Edith.’

  ‘Do as you’re told. Tomorrow you can do your share of the work.’ She turned to her husband. ‘Billy, away down to the club for an hour or so. Susan and I will be having a good old natter. You’d probably be bored to tears listening to us women.’

  Glad for the excuse to get out for a pint, Billy grabbed his coat from the rail and, giving Susan a big wink, left the house.

  Slowly Susan sank into the armchair, hands clenched tightly between her knees to stop them trembling, and gazed into the fire. Now for the reckoning. Her aunt was bound to ask her reason for visiting them, out of the blue like this, so near Christmas. How much should she tell her? Not everything, that was for sure. She was too ashamed to admit the whole truth. But she would have to tell Aunt Edith about the baby. What would she think of her niece’s fall from grace? Would she be disgusted and send her packing? Or would she let her stay here until after the birth? Dear God, please let her be understanding, Susan prayed inwardly.

  She sat rehearsing her words, discarding this explanation in favour of that one. To her great relief her aunt thrust a cup of tea into her hand, patted her consolingly on the shoulder and took the initiative. ‘Don’t look so worried. You’re in trouble, aren’t you?’

  Tears brimmed over and she dashed them away with the back of her free hand. ‘Yes, how did you guess? And I’m so ashamed. Oh, Aunt Edith, sure you won’t sent me home?’

  Taking the armchair facing her, Edith pulled it closer so that their knees were almost touching. Gazing earnestly into her niece’s face, she said, ‘Tell me all about it, love.’

  Susan shrugged resignedly. ‘There’s not much to tell. I was foolish and now I must pay the penalty.’

  ‘What about the man? Is he not willing to marry you?’

  ‘He doesn’t know!’ Her voice rose shrilly. ‘And anyhow, he can’t marry me.’

  ‘Is he already married?’

  ‘No. But he would never marry me. It was just a one-off. We were both feeling low and, well, it just happened. He’d had a tiff with his girlfriend and I’d had cross words with a friend and was feeling very down. I should have known better, Aunt Edith. I liked him, but it wasn’t as if I really fancied him. Later he was so ashamed. It was painful when I had to face him again. I just wanted to curl up and die. When I realised I was pregnant, I couldn’t tell him. Can’t you see? He wouldn’t have wanted to know. It would have put him on the spot. Besides, I’m in love with someone else, and so is he. That would be no basis for a happy marriage. I was so stupid! I never thought that there might be consequences and I suppose neither did he. As I said, it all happened on the spur of the moment.’

  Edith was incensed at the idea that a child had been conceived because they had both been feeling low. What was the world coming to? She wanted to chastise her niece, give her a good shaking; but, controlling her temper, she said, ‘But . . . if he’s free, he has a right to know. Surely you can see that, Susan? It’s his child as well as yours. He might want to give it his name.’

  To Edith’s distress her niece became even more distraught, great sobs rasping from her throat and tears rolling down her cheeks. Going to her, Edith gathered her close.

  Susan clung to her. ‘He must never know. Why do you think I ran away?’

  ‘There now. There now. You’ll make yourself ill if you go on like this. Did your mother put you out?’

  Stifling her sobs, Susan cried, ‘She doesn’t know. Oh, Aunt Edith, she mustn’t ever find out. Promise you won’t tell her.’

  Pushing her niece back so that she could examine her face, Edith reasoned, ‘Now Susan, she will have to know sometime. Surely you can see that? And the sooner, the better.’

  ‘No! Please let me stay here until after the birth. Please, Aunt Edith. I’ve always been careful where money is concerned and I’ve a fair bit saved. Perhaps I’ll be able to get a part-time job. Once the baby is born I’ll work something out.’

  Hearing hysteria rising in Susan’s voice, Edith reluctantly assured her. ‘Of course you can stay, love, if you really want to. But we will have to go into this more thoroughly and do what’s best for all concerned. It’s only natural that you’re not thinking straight at the moment. Look, drink up your tea and then I’ll show you to your room. You try and get a good night’s sleep. We’ll discuss this tomorrow.’

  On his return from the club, Billy saw that his wife was perturbed. A glance around the room and into the kitchen showed him that Susan must have retired for the night. ‘Has she gone to bed then?’ he whispered.

  ‘Yes, she was absolutely exhausted.’

  His eyes narrowed at her expression. ‘Why so worried, love?’

  Rising to her feet, Edith faced him. She was aware that he was hoping their son would return from London any day, and that Billy would want his room left vacant for him. ‘Billy, she’s pregnant,’ she said softly.

  His face closed and he looked stern. ‘Now, Edith, that’s not our problem,’ he warned. ‘So don’t be getting involved.’

  ‘I know that, but can’t we put her up for a while? I’ll soon talk some sense into her, make her realise that her place is at home.’

  ‘Did that bitch Rachel put her out?’

  ‘No. Actually, Rachel doesn’t know about the baby.’

  ‘What? You’d think she’d be the first to know. Look, much as I like Susan, she can’t stay indefinitely. Jack might want to come home at any time.’

  ‘You know that’s not likely.’

  ‘Still, he might!’ Billy said stubbornly. ‘We must keep his room ready for him.’

  She shook her head sadly in disagreement, but went on, ‘We’ll work something out, Billy. Let’s play it by ear. Eh, love?’

  With a sigh he reached for her and gathered her close. How could he deny her? He would never be able to comprehend just what she saw in an ugly brute like him. Sinking his face in her soft, sweet-smelling hair, he muttered, ‘Whatever you say, love. Whatever you say.’

  After a restless night Susan awoke feeling listless. Her Aunt Edith had sounded as if she intended persuading her to return home. But how could she go home? How could she face her family and friends? And what about him? He was like part of the family now and, if she returned, he would be sure to guess the truth. She was so ashamed of herself; couldn’t believe that she had been so foolish. If only she could wake up and discover it was all a bad dream, how different life would be for her. To think that because of a rejection from Jim Brady and a tiff with Alison, a child had been conceived. If she returned home what a predicament she would be in. Graham obviously loved Alison. How would he react? It would be enough to give him a heart attack. No, she couldn’t go back! It would upset too many apple carts.

  Slipping from beneath the blankets and thick patchwork quilt, she crossed to the long, narrow window, shivering when her feet left the small bedside mat and hit the icy-cold oil-cloth. Dawn was breaking and she gazed out over the back yards at the frost-covered rooftops with tears in her eyes. Back home she would be standing on warm carpet, gazing out over fields and hedgerows. Well, she had made her decision and she would just have to grin and bear it. That
is, if her aunt allowed her to stay.

  A glance at the watch her father had bought her for her twenty-first birthday six months ago brought more tears to her eyes. They had thrown a wonderful party for her. Life had been good then. She’d had a good job in Kennedy Construction, where she was personal secretary to the MD, and a beautiful house to call home. When she had met Jim everything had changed. Her love for him had blinded her to everything else. So what if he wasn’t prepared to marry her. It wasn’t the end of the world. She’d had nice friends and a good social life. How could she have been so blind? In the dim light the small luminous face of the gold watch showed her it was only five o’clock. Thankfully she tiptoed across the icy floorcovering and crept back under the bedclothes, but not to sleep; too many regrets plagued her.

  At six o’clock sounds downstairs alerted her that her aunt and uncle had made an early start to their day. Dragging on her dressing gown, she hurriedly descended the stairs.

  Billy was on his knees by the hearth of the small kitchenette grate, raking out the cold remains of yesterday’s fire. On the hearth rolled-up papers, sticks and a bucket of coal were ready for today’s heating. Quietly she approached him. ‘Let me do that, Uncle Billy.’

  Startled, he glanced over his shoulder at her in surprise, but before he could speak her aunt came in from the kitchen.

  ‘In the name of goodness, Susan, what are you doing up at this hour? Away back to bed and I’ll bring you up a cup of tea when the kettle has boiled.’

  ‘You’ll do nothing of the kind! I didn’t come over here to be waited on hand and foot. Give me something to do, please.’

  ‘I forgot to tell you last night. We have leased a stall in the market. We sell fruit and veg. Billy goes to the wholesalers early every day for fresh produce. However, there is no need for you to be up. I help him on the stall, but I don’t leave the house until nine o’clock. So away back to your warm bed.’

  ‘Please, Aunt Edith. Please let me do something to help out.’

  ‘Susan, there is no need for you to rise at this unearthly hour,’ Edith insisted. ‘Go on, away back to your bed.’ Seeing that her niece was about to argue, she relented, ‘Okay, okay. Keep an eye on the porridge, if you must do something. Billy always complains that I make it too thick, so keep stirring it. Anyway, I want to talk to you before I go to work.’

  Billy was long gone; the breakfast dishes were cleared away and the hearth was brushed and washed. Pouring another two cups of tea, Edith motioned Susan to take a seat by the blazing fire. Sitting facing her, Edith looked long and earnestly at her before speaking.

  ‘Susan, I don’t know what to do for the best. Our Rachel married well and, remember, I know the home you come from. I’m sure you were never short of anything. It will be entirely different over here, you know.’

  ‘I know that, but I’ll be forever grateful if you let me stay.’

  ‘Let’s get this all sorted out first. Why all the secrecy? You won’t be the first girl to have a child out of wedlock. It would be a nine-day wonder, and then your parents would rally round. I admit our Rachel is proud and stiff-necked, but she wouldn’t let you down.’

  ‘Aunt Edith, you know what me mam is like. She’d die of shame. She wouldn’t be able to hold her head up in public again. I couldn’t do that to her. I just couldn’t! And then there’s Alison. The scandal would take all the joy out of her wedding preparations. It wouldn’t be fair on them if I stayed at home.’

  Struck by a sudden thought, Edith said, ‘They do know where you are, don’t they?’

  ‘Yes, I left a note.’

  ‘A note?’ Edith’s voice was shrill. ‘You didn’t speak to them? Won’t they think that a bit strange?’

  ‘No, Dad and I had an argument. You know how it has always been between him and me. I can’t do right for doing wrong. And, lately, he can’t look at me without finding fault. I admit I’ve been a bit of a handful this past year. You know - rebelling against everything. Anyway, I threatened to leave home. He told me to go and be damned, so I took him at his word and left.’ She gave a wry grimace. ‘No, they won’t be surprised.’

  Dismayed at the animosity against her father that her niece couldn’t hide, Edith said, ‘All families have these falling outs. He probably regrets it now.’

  ‘Huh!’ Susan shook her head in disgust. As if!

  Realising that she was making no headway, Edith changed tack. ‘What about Christmas? It’s not far off. They’ll expect you home then!’

  ‘I’ll make some excuse. Say you need me here.’

  ‘Your dad won’t stand for that. His daughter away from home at Christmas? He’ll come looking for you, you mark my words, girl.’

  ‘Aunt Edith, please believe me, he won’t care enough. He never has.’

  ‘You’re wrong! I’m not over-fond of Trevor Cummings myself, but I know he will be worried and hurt if you don’t go home for Christmas.’ Her frown deepened. ‘When is the baby due?’

  ‘June.’

  ‘June? That’s seven months away. Are you sure you’re pregnant? You’re not just late? I mean, you’ve just turned twenty-one. Your blood changes every seven years. Your period could come yet, Susan.’ It was a forlorn hope, but Edith eyed her niece optimistically.

  Her hopes were dashed. A harsh laugh escaped Susan’s lips. ‘Oh, I’m sure all right! I wish I weren’t, but there is no doubt about it.’

  ‘When do you think the wedding will be?’

  ‘Alison confided in me that she would like a June wedding.’

  ‘Surely she’ll want you to be bridesmaid?’

  ‘I know she does. But, even if I’m at home, I can’t be a bridesmaid. How can I? I can’t be fitted for a dress with a big belly. Now can I?’

  ‘But if you’re at home I’m sure Alison will give you a chance to get over the birth and settle for a later date, say in August. Eh?’

  Susan stretched out her hands in despair. ‘Can’t you see? That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to upset everybody’s plans. That’s why I left home. Please let me stay here. Please,’ she pleaded.

  ‘How will you cover this all up, eh? Not going home at Christmas will be bad enough, but to miss the wedding as well . . .?’ Edith threw her arms wide, a horrified look on her face at the very idea of it. ‘Susan, it just can’t be done,’ she gasped. ‘And after the birth, what then? Are you putting the baby up for adoption? Is that how you hope no one will ever know?’

  ‘No, I’m not. I intend keeping this baby. To be truthful, I haven’t planned any further than the birth. Look, let me stay until Christmas, then we can decide what to do. Just give me a chance to sort things out in my own way. Please, Aunt Edith.’

  ‘What if our Jack wants to come home? What then? That’s his room you’re in. What if he wants to come home for the Christmas break? Which we sincerely hope he does. What then?’

  ‘Well, surely there must be some convent or home over here that will take me in.’ At the very idea of a home for unmarried mothers Susan was unable to control her emotions, and tears gushed from her eyes. ‘I wish I hadn’t been so foolish! Oh, how I wish I could die.’

  Going to her, Edith gathered her close and rocked her gently in her arms. ‘Hush, now, there will be none of that kind of talk in this house. We’ll work something out,’ she murmured, but her eyes were bleak. Her sister would never forgive her when she found out - as she was sure to . . . eventually.

  It was with trepidation that Edith joined Billy at the market stall. Although they rarely saw eye-to-eye, Billy thought the sun shone out of his son’s backside. He would strongly object to Jack’s room being occupied at Christmas.

  It was Monday and market day in Darlington. Every Monday and Saturday stalls were erected in the square adjacent to the indoor market and - hail, rain or snow - a constant stream of people travelled from all the small towns and villages around in search of bargains. It also meant extra revenue for the indoor market. As was usual on such days, a steady queue of customers kept conver
sation between husband and wife more or less on a business level. It was lunchtime, when the crowd thinned out looking for some place to eat, before Billy got a chance to question her.

  Unwrapping the sandwiches bought from a neighbouring stall, he asked Edith before biting into one, ‘Well? How long does she want to stay?’

  ‘Until Christmas.’ Billy swallowed quickly and opened his mouth to protest, but she forestalled him. ‘If we hear from Jack and he wants to come home, she has promised to move out.’

  ‘And just where will she go, Edith?’ he cried in disbelief. ‘Eh? In her condition?’

  ‘I don’t know, Billy. She’s adamant that she won’t go home. Perhaps we could make enough space in the spare room for a single bed. It would only be for a few nights. Failing that, I’ll get someone to put her up. In the meantime, can’t we play it by ear, love? The chances of Jack coming home are slight. To tell you the truth, I’ll be glad of her company. It will take my mind off him.’

  He gazed into big, brown eyes filled with entreaty and once again was lost. In his heart he was aware that the chances of Jack coming back to Darlington were indeed slim. He wouldn’t come without her, and surely she wouldn’t have the gumption to show her face around here for some time to come. But what if she tired of Jack? She had, after all, dumped one man to run off with him. What then? To Edith’s relief, he sighed and agreed. ‘All right, love, if that’s the way you want it, we’ll play it by ear.’

  Trevor Cummings looked up inquiringly from his plate of bacon and eggs when his wife entered the room sorting through the morning mail. He would never admit it, but he was sorry he had been so hard on Susan lately. But in the circumstances, who could blame him?

  Meeting his eyes, Rachel shook her head. ‘Nothing from Susan.’

  From her place at the table Alison said plaintively, ‘Mam, she has only been away a week. Give her a chance.’

  ‘She doesn’t deserve a chance,’ her father said gruffly. ‘What did I do that was so wrong, to justify her running off like that? We’ve had these rows before and she stayed put. What was so different this time? Eh? Tell me that. Your sister Edith has a lot to answer for, Rachel, taking her in like that. She should have sent her straight home.’