Playing With Fire

by Mary Larkin

  ‘That will be fine. Eh, Susan, don’t you agree?’

  ‘I’d love that, Mam.’ Susan shot her a grateful glance. ‘I’ll go and prepare all I need to bring with me for William.’

  ‘I’m afraid you’ll have to count me out,’ Alison said, suppressed excitement in her voice. ‘I’m going over to Graham’s house today.’

  ‘So what’s new?’ Rachel said drily. ‘You practically live there now. I take it you and Alma have resolved your differences by now?’

  ‘She’s not a bad old soul once you get to know her,’ Alison assured her mother. ‘And, what do you think? We’re going to look at some houses today. If we find anything suitable, there might be a Christmas wedding after all.’

  ‘Is Graham well enough?’ Rachel asked in concern.

  ‘Not really. It will have to be a very quiet affair in a registry office.’

  ‘Ah, Alison, would it not be better to wait and have a nice big church wedding?’

  A very definite shake of the head disputed this idea. ‘Graham wants to get away from his mother’s fussing as soon as possible.’

  ‘That’s no reason to rush into marriage. Don’t you rush into anything just to suit everybody else!’ Rachel admonished. ‘Is this what you want?’

  ‘The sooner we’re settled in our own home, the better. Everything will be all right then.’

  Then? Did that mean that everything wasn’t all right now? Rachel was worried and tried to get her husband’s opinion. ‘Did you hear that, Trevor? There might be a Christmas wedding after all.’

  Coming from the depths of his newspaper, Trevor muttered, ‘Eh? What’s that? Did anyone speak to me?’

  Tut-tutting, Rachel sighed. Trevor could be very irritating at times. If he had been listening, instead of lost in that silly newspaper, he might have come up with something constructive. She repeated, ‘Alison and Graham might get married at Christmas after all. What do you think of that?’ Silently, she willed him to question the wisdom of it.

  But no! A grin split her husband’s face in two and, to her disappointment, he cried, ‘I think that’s a grand idea!’

  ‘And I have another bit of news for you,’ Alison announced.

  They waited patiently for her to continue. She kept them in suspense for some moments until at last Rachel cried, ‘Well? Go on, tell us.’

  ‘I’m learning to drive. I’ve put in for my test and, if I pass, Graham is going to buy me a car. Isn’t that wonderful?’

  ‘I hope you realise how lucky you are, Alison. See and show Graham the respect he deserves,’ Trevor warned.

  ‘Oh, I will. Believe me, Dad, I will.’

  Susan felt a twinge of jealousy. Not, she assured herself, because her sister was marrying Graham. Or indeed because she was learning to drive - a desire that had brought things to a head between herself and Jim. But because everything seemed to fall into her sister’s lap without much effort on her part, whilst nothing seemed to go right for her.

  The trip to Enniskillen was most enjoyable. When their eldest daughter Edith had run off with a married man, a Catholic, William and Jane Wilson had managed to weather the furore that followed. The scandal had threatened to ruin their marriage. William had been bitter and unforgiving, but Jane had sided with her daughter, saying that she must follow her heart. Most of their neighbours had been understanding, knowing they had no control over events. Others had condemned them as weaklings for having no control over their daughter. A year later Rachel had somewhat redeemed their standing by marrying Trevor Cummings, a wealthy Protestant businessman.

  With Rachel’s marriage, William and Jane were free to get on with their lives and had left their Shankill Road enclave and, using most of their savings, had retired to a little village on the outskirts of Enniskillen, a move they never regretted. Their cottage was set well back from the lane in a garden still abundant with late summer flowers, whose perfume permeated the air. The hills in the background were ablaze with pink and purple heathers. They were sitting in the garden awaiting the arrival of their daughter and family, and ushered them inside for a cup of tea before taking advantage of the good weather and retiring to the conservatory at the back of the cottage.

  Both grandparents were captivated by baby William and not a word of censure or curiosity was passed on how he had come about. He was their great-grandson and that was all that mattered. To Susan’s surprise, her grannie found an opportunity to have a quiet word in her ear.

  ‘I don’t want to pry, love, but you seem to be unhappy. Can I help in any way?’

  ‘Ah, Grannie, I didn’t mean to be a wet blanket.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, girl! It’s been a pleasure having you here. I just sense a deep, hidden unhappiness. Am I right?’

  Susan sighed and confided in her. ‘It’s just . . . well, the man I love doesn’t appear to want William.’

  ‘Not want that beautiful wee baby?’ A stern expression settled on her grannie’s face. ‘You’re better off without him, love,’ she assured her granddaughter. ‘Any man who wouldn’t want that lovely wee baby must need his head examined. He’s not worth his salt!’

  Susan laughed outright at her grannie’s words. ‘Do you know something, Grannie? You’re probably right.’

  ‘Remember, Susan, if you need to get away from it all for a while, bring William here. Okay? I know we get harsh winters, but nevertheless this house is warm and comfortable. We’d be delighted to have you.’

  Tears brimming on her eyelashes, Susan hugged the slight figure of her grannie close. ‘Thanks, Grannie. You’re a dear. Actually, everybody has been very supportive, considering how I’ve fallen from grace. I’ve a friend coming over from England on a visit in a few weeks’ time. Perhaps I could bring him here for a few days and let him sample some of this lovely countryside?’

  ‘Just you do that! That would be wonderful, love. We’ll be glad of the company.’

  It was quite late when they returned to Belfast. When they turned off North Circular Road and rounded the corner of Old Cavehill Road, the first thing to catch Susan’s eye was Jim’s car parked on the opposite side of the road near the house. Pretending not to notice it, she turned her head away, and when her father drew to a halt in the driveway she hurried from the car and quickly entered the house. Perhaps if she continued to ignore him, Jim might get the message and stay away. To complicate matters still further, a taxi pulled up behind her father’s car and Alison jumped out, followed more cautiously by Graham.

  In the hall, under the harsh glare of the electric lights, Susan gasped in concern when she saw how ill Graham looked. Dark rings under baggy eyes and a pallid face that looked as if it had caved in. He noted her reaction and smiled wryly. ‘I’m not as bad as I look. I just did too much too soon.’ He paused to gaze down at the sleeping child in Susan’s arms. When his eyes met hers again the bleakness within their depths caught at her heartstrings.

  ‘You shouldn’t have gone to the Orpheus that night, Graham,’ she admonished. ‘It was an unnecessary risk you took and it’s set you back months.’

  He shrugged. ‘Not quite unnecessary,’ he disagreed wryly. ‘It cleared the air and showed me where I stood with you.’

  ‘What are you two whispering about?’ Alison asked gaily. Putting a possessive hand on his arm, she drew him away. ‘Come in and sit down, love.’

  A knock on the door sent Susan hurrying to climb the stairs, clutching William in her arms. ‘I’ll just put him in his cot.’ Feeling all the surprised eyes on her, she explained, ‘He’s out to the world. It’s been a long day for the poor wee soul.’ She had a good idea it would be Jim at the door.

  She was right! Out of sight at the head of the stairs, she paused and strained her ears. Her father’s voice reached her. ‘Come in, Jim. Susan has just gone up to put William to bed. We’ve been to Enniskillen and the good fresh air there has knocked him out. She shouldn’t be too long. Come in and join the rest of us in the lounge.’

  Tears blinded her as she gave her son
a quick wash, put on his nightclothes and laid him in his cot. Locked into his night’s sleep, he barely stirred during her administrations. Gazing down on his rosy cheeks and parted pink lips, she agreed with her grannie. Any man who turned away from this wee bundle of joy did indeed need his head examined. She delayed as long as she dared and at last reluctantly descended the stairs.

  ‘Ah, there you are, Susan. Jim’s been waiting for you,’ her father greeted her.

  Jim’s eyes met hers across the room and she saw the regret and anxiety in them. He rose and crossed the floor to her. ‘Can we go for a short walk, Susan?’ he said quietly. ‘We need to talk.’

  ‘I’m very tired, Jim. And William might wake any minute looking for his bottle. Perhaps we could meet tomorrow night and talk?’

  He hesitated, then nodded in agreement. ‘Where?’

  ‘Let’s meet outside the GPO about seven and take it from there. Eh?’

  ‘Yes, that would be fine.’

  Soon after he made his excuses and left the house.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jim waited twenty anxious minutes outside the GPO gazing blindly at the passing pedestrians. Convinced that Susan wasn’t going to show up, he was about to go home in despair. Relief flooded through him when he saw her dodging in and out of the crowds on Royal Avenue towards him, brown hair lifting in the light breeze and cheeks pink with exertion. His heart lightened at the sight of her. Would she ever forgive him? He had said some awful things to her in the heat of the moment. If she did forgive him, would he be able to persuade her to his way of thinking?

  She halted in front of him, breathless. ‘I’m sorry to be so late, but William was restless and I couldn’t very well leave Mother to cope with him. I had to stay until he settled down.’

  He forced a smile to his lips. This was something he would have to get used to if he was to further their relationship. The child would always come first now. If only it were his child, it wouldn’t be a problem! In fact if the truth be known, he would be delighted. But it wasn’t his and, as things stood, he would have to be more resilient if he wanted to win her over. ‘You don’t have to apologise, Susan. Where would you like to go?’

  She had noted the smile and guessed the trend of his thoughts. Her child had to be loved, not tolerated. Why didn’t he give himself a chance to get to know William? She shrugged and his spirits dropped at her apparent indifference. ‘I’ve no idea. Somewhere quiet where we can talk.’

  ‘Mooney’s lounge bar is quiet on a Monday night, shall we head there?’

  ‘Great! That sounds fine.’ In her opinion it was great. She didn’t want to be completely alone with him, in case her heart overruled her head.

  They walked along Royal Avenue and she was very aware of his height and breadth. Crossing Castle Junction, they headed for Cornmarket where Mooney’s pub graced one corner. The public bar was crowded as usual, but as Jim had predicted the lounge was practically empty. A few girls chatting noisily at a table in the middle of the room and a couple gazing dreamily at each other over their glasses at a side table. Once inside, he led her to a corner table.

  ‘What would you like to drink?’

  ‘I’ll have a Pernod and lime with ice, please.’

  Conversation had been sparse between them so far, and Susan couldn’t think of any excuse he might come up with that could possibly put things back on an even keel, in her eyes. Her heart was heavy as she watched him standing at the bar. She admired his long, lean body, broad shoulders and dark good looks. He was so handsome! Her idea of the perfect partner. Had she been describing him in writing, she would have labelled him Adonis. She had thought they were well matched. As if aware of her scrutiny, he turned and met her glance, a slight smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Confused, she looked away, embarrassed colour lighting up her face.

  Blinking hard to contain the tears that threatened to fall, she gazed blindly down at her hands clasped on the table in front of her and thought of the high hopes she’d had of a future with Jim. What a fool she’d been! While she had convinced herself that he really cared, he’d been harbouring awful doubts about her. As if she would ever have tried to con him into accepting another man’s child as his. He could never undo the harm he had caused to her self-esteem.

  Slipping into the seat opposite her, he placed her drink close to hand. She lifted the glass and without looking at him said, ‘Thank you. Cheers,’ and sipped at the pale-green liquid.

  When he had acknowledged her salute with raised glass, he gently removed hers and placed it to one side, then tightly gripped both her hands within his own. In spite of the warm atmosphere, they were icy-cold and trembled in his grasp. Her gaze remained downcast.

  ‘Look at me, Susan,’ he whispered.

  Reluctantly, great tear-filled eyes were lifted to his and he was full of remorse at how much pain he was causing her. ‘What I did was terrible and unforgivable, Susan. I know that! And I’m ashamed of myself.’ His head swayed in distress. ‘I can’t believe I acted like that. It shows the stress I’ve been under these past weeks. I’ve tried and tried, until I think I’m going round the bend, to put a face to the father of your child, but it’s beyond me. No one I know fits the bill. I can’t remember you showing interest in any other man. But I swear I will never act like that again. Do you think you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me?’

  ‘I realise I was partly to blame,’ she conceded. ‘And I do forgive you. But I honestly think it would be better if we didn’t see each other again, Jim. There’s no way I can see a future together for us.’

  ‘Listen, Susan.’ His voice was urgent. ‘I want to explain something to you.’

  Wordlessly, she gazed at him. Could he possibly put matters right? She doubted it, but nevertheless a flicker of hope kindled deep within her.

  ‘First, I want you to know that I love you dearly. There has never been anyone else as far as I’m concerned. Since I met you I’ve never looked at another woman, let alone touched one. Never wanted to. Do you believe me?’

  She did not answer; just gazed fixedly at him. Could he really love her, yet treat her like he had? She wasn’t sure, so she remained silent.

  Desperate to get his point across, he pleaded, ‘Susan, please believe me. I really do love you. That’s why I was so gobsmacked when I saw you were pregnant. It didn’t take much arithmetic to figure out you had been seeing him at the same time you were dating me. And I never guessed! I just couldn’t take it in. I wanted to walk away! Put you out of my life for good. What with Mam getting married and all, I’d such great hopes for us. Then you turned up big with another man’s child and it was as if you were a different Susan from the one I knew. Still, if I’d been more understanding that night, things might have turned out different. But I didn’t understand your desperate need. I could only feel this deep need to possess you. And to realise that you were mine for the taking? I couldn’t take advantage of you like that. That’s why I treated you with scorn and walked away. Fool! I was a fool. I wish now I’d stayed! Just how much I wish I’d stayed you’ll never know. Then none of this would have happened. But you see, I thought I was doing you a good turn. I never dreamt that someone else was involved. Someone who wouldn’t show you the respect you deserved. And he didn’t, you know. No matter what you say. Whoever he is, he took advantage of you.’

  Jim fell silent and she thought of her brief time with Graham. He hadn’t taken advantage of her. It had been mutual. She opened her mouth to defend him, but Jim was continuing.

  ‘However, I was totally out of order when I accused you of trying to implicate me. You’re too decent a person to do anything underhand like that.’

  Sifting through his words, she was able to see his point of view, but could not understand why he had never contacted her, later, before she was aware that she was pregnant and had run away in despair.

  She voiced her thoughts. ‘Why did you never get in touch with me again? I mean, you must have known I was ashamed of my carry-
on that night.’

  ‘I couldn’t, Susan. Ma’s auld fellow hadn’t come on the scene then and I was in no position to offer you marriage. In my opinion, nothing else is good enough for you. That’s where I’m different from this other bloke. I do love you dearly. Too much to use you for my own needs.’

  She desperately wanted to believe his protestations of love, but found that she couldn’t. Had he not been harbouring awful doubts about her for weeks? Had he not mauled her? How could he do that if he loved her? When they were together she had imagined they were happy enough - not as wildly happy as they had formerly been, but a quiet, settled happiness. Had these doubts been festering away in his heart? He had practically confessed that he had been waiting for her to throw herself at him! If she had, would he then have thought her a slag? There was no way she would ever know. She could never comprehend the way his mind worked. And she must never for one minute forget that he had cruelly manhandled her. There was no excuse for that.

  Sadly she shook her head. ‘It wouldn’t work, Jim.’

  ‘Could we not give it a try?’

  ‘I can’t tell you the name of William’s father. And you won’t be happy otherwise.’

  He sighed. ‘I’ve been thinking about that, and I realise you must have very good reasons. I think perhaps I could learn to live with it.’ He gripped her hands tighter still. ‘Listen, our firm is sending two workers over to the parent company in California for a year’s training in some new design methods. I’ve been offered the chance to go.’

  These words killed off the last shred of hope. She tried to sound pleased for him. ‘That’s a wonderful opportunity for you.’

  ‘For us, Susan! For us! I want you to come with me.’

  ‘Me? I don’t understand.’

  ‘I would be going out in about three months’ time. We could be married quietly in the registry office before then. Think about it, Susan. A honeymoon in America!’

  ‘You’re forgetting about William.’

  ‘No, I’m not! But we would be better on our own. The other fellow who’s going is single.’