Playing With Fire

by Mary Larkin

  ‘Oh, did he indeed? And what brought that on?’

  ‘I think he realises I care for you and was warning me off.’

  ‘That was stupid of him! I told him you and I are just good friends.’

  ‘He has eyes in his head, Susan, he can see that I care for you a lot.’

  ‘But that’s just it. You don’t!’

  ‘I do.’ The words were said quietly, yet filled with conviction.

  ‘I see.’ Her voice was sad as she spooned instant coffee into the cups and poured the milk. Handing a cup to him, she preceded him into the lounge. ‘I think I’ll soon change your mind about that. Come on, it’s time I removed your rose-tinted glasses once and for all and put you in the picture.’

  She perched on the edge of the settee and Donald sat down beside her, but sank back into its depths. Choosing her words carefully, Susan began her narrative.

  She told him the whole rigmarole of meeting Jim at the Club Orchid ballroom and how, in spite of warnings from her friend Ruth, she had fallen in love with him. For some months everything had been rosy. Then, when Jim had tried to break it off, she had accused him of having met someone else. Of course she knew in her heart this wasn’t so, she stressed, for they were so very much in love. He’d convinced her there was no one else, saying that he was thinking only of her and didn’t want her to waste any more of her youth on him. There was no way he could ever marry her.

  ‘He’s Catholic and I thought it was because I was a Protestant, and I even offered to go and live with him. He explained he had too many commitments to his family.

  ‘I was distraught when I discovered I was pregnant.’ Donald stirred restlessly beside her when he heard these words and she hurried on before he could interrupt. ‘Aunt Edith seemed the only solution. I took the easy way out. I left my parents a note and went over to Darlington. Aunt Edith was wonderful. She hated deceiving Mam, but allowed me to stay. Later, when she suggested I should wear Billy’s mother’s wedding ring, I agreed to please her - and the rest you know.’

  Donald heard her out in silence. The silence stretched and she glanced round at him, thinking that perhaps he had fallen asleep. But no, his gaze was bright and alert.

  ‘Did you understand all that, Donald?’

  ‘I’m still digesting it. However, I’m a bit confused. You forgot to say how or when you got pregnant. According to your story, only Jim could be the father, but why then does he resent the child?’

  ‘He isn’t the father, and I won’t tell him who is. That’s why he resents William.’

  Donald ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. Was it the drink that was making him feel thick and stupid? ‘I can’t say I blame him, Susan. You appear to have been pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes. Am I right?’

  She nodded and bent her head in shame. Put like that, it did sound disgraceful.

  ‘Susan, do you realise if I had known you were free, things would have been very different back in Darlington?’

  ‘No, they wouldn’t! Don’t forget you were, and probably still are, in love with Margaret.’

  ‘Not any more I’m not. Even then, with a bit of encouragement, I could have fallen in love with you. But you kept putting up all these obstacles between us.’

  ‘Well, for a start I was pregnant! And I really do love Jim. There has never been anyone else for me but him.’

  ‘I don’t believe that! I don’t know what it was like before, but now, as far as I can see, there’s a great big void between you and him. Whether you’re aware of it or not.’

  ‘I’m very well aware of it. Do you think I’m stupid? But that’s only because he wouldn’t accept William.’

  ‘And now?’

  ‘He says if we get married he’ll make William his responsibility.’

  ‘Responsibility? Is that good enough for you, Susan? I’ve only been here a few short hours, but I noticed that he seemed to steer clear of the boy.’

  ‘If we married, it would be different. He wouldn’t be able to help loving William.’

  ‘You really believe that? You don’t think he might always resent him?’

  ‘Of course I believe it. Even Mam thinks everything would work out all right.’

  ‘You’ve asked your mother’s advice about something as important as this?’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered, close to tears now. How could she ever have expected Donald to understand and advise her? She had even thought she would have his blessing.

  He put his arm around her and pulled her back against the warmth of his body. ‘Listen, Susan. It seems to me everybody is looking out for their own selfish ends, here. Your mother, for instance, obviously doesn’t want to lose contact with her grandson, so thinking you love Jim Brady, she will encourage you to marry him with an easy conscience. Then she will have William to herself for a whole year. And she can be sure that you won’t be tempted to stay in America, while William is over here. She and your father dote on the child. Much as they love you, it’s William who will come first. I’ve seen the same situation over at Edith’s. She and Billy will put up with anything - anything at all - in order to keep Margaret sweet so that she won’t leave Jack.’

  She jerked her head back to look up at him. ‘Do you think she might?’ she gasped, eyes wide in apprehension.

  ‘How would I know? She’s bored and finds anything in trousers attractive.’

  ‘But you wouldn’t . . .’

  ‘Let’s get something straight, Susan. I’m no saint. I’m flesh and blood, and remember we can all be tempted.’

  ‘We managed to build up a strong friendship between us,’ she reminded him.

  ‘Ah, come off it, Susan. We came close to making love a number of times and you know it!’

  ‘And why do you think I put a stop to it, eh? It was because Jim was always there in my mind, and you - huh! - were obviously still besotted with Margaret.’

  He frowned. ‘Do I detect a note of complaint there? At that time I had reason to think your husband was the obstacle . . . Hah! What a sham that was. Eh, Susan? Was it Margaret all along? Is that what you’re saying?’

  His hands were gently caressing her shoulders and arms, trying to ease the tense muscles.

  She tried to break his hold. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘I think you do. Even though you were pregnant, if you hadn’t pretended to have a phantom husband in the background, we might very well have become lovers and eventually married.’

  She tried to rise, but his hands tightened on her shoulders. ‘I think we’ve rambled on long enough for one night. Let’s go to bed.’

  His arms gathered her close and a rueful smile twisted his lips. ‘I wish you really meant that, Susan.’

  She lifted her head to chastise him and his lips were there, waiting. She willed herself to look away, but was lost and without further ado he kissed her. It went on and on, and all the emotions she had been bottling up since William’s birth were there crying for release. Gently his lips left hers and he put her away from him.

  ‘Listen to me, Susan. Don’t marry Jim unless you’re absolutely sure you do love him. It won’t be an easy commitment if he finds he can’t love William. The child will always come between you.’ She opened her mouth to assure him she did indeed love Jim Brady, but recalling the longing in her just now, in Donald’s arms, she closed it again.

  He continued, ‘I’ll be here for the next three weeks and if I can win you over, I think we could make a go of it. I’ve always thought we’d make a great match. If not, Jim will have a further six weeks to plead his case. So be prepared! All’s fair in love and war! Now, let’s go to our separate beds before I forget I’m a gentleman.’

  ‘Donald . . .’

  ‘Let’s play it by ear. Eh? But I warn you! Be prepared, because I’ll be hugging and kissing you every chance I get.’

  She pressed her lips firmly closed. Imagine! She had just been about to say that she couldn’t think of anything nicer. She really did like playing
with fire.

  The next few days passed in a happy blur. Sunday started off wet but warm and Susan, much to the displeasure of her father, attended Mass with Donald in St Patrick’s Church on Donegall Street. Afterwards she gave him a tour of how Belfast looked on a wet, quiet Sunday morning.

  Rachel had an Ulster fry-up ready for them when they returned and Trevor had obviously been warned to hold his tongue where Mass was concerned. Susan hid a smile at his endeavours to be amicable. Then the presents were opened and a few tears were shed by Rachel and Susan at the goodness of the people over in Darlington. Vera Crabtree had also enclosed a gift for William with Edith’s lot. In the afternoon they visited Belfast Castle and Bellevue Zoo, Donald insisting on taking William along with them, which pleased Susan no end.

  The evening was spent quietly at home and Susan watched as Donald lay on the carpet and amused her son with soft toys and rattles. He also used all his considerable charm on her parents. Becoming aware that this young man just might be interested in his daughter, Trevor started asking questions about his future prospects and was pleased at what he gleaned from Donald. Warning bells, however, rang loud and clear in Rachel’s head as she took stock of all this information. She realised that if Donald and Susan were to marry, they might settle down in England. She buried her fears within her, assuring herself it was unlikely to happen. Didn’t her daughter love Jim Brady? And nice as Donald was, he couldn’t hold a candle to Jim in the good-looks stakes.

  Monday was spent touring the Antrim coast. They had passed through Glenarm, Glenariff, Cushendall and Cushendun and stopped for a cup of tea in Ballycastle before reaching Bushmills, where Donald purchased a bottle of the famous Black Bush whiskey at the distillery to take home to Billy Devine.

  On the way back they stopped at Carrickfergus. Susan was amazed at how much Donald knew about the history of Carrickfergus and some of the towns and fishing villages they had passed through.

  ‘You never cease to amaze me! I’m ashamed to say, you know more about the local history than I do. And I live here for heaven’s sake.’

  He laughed at her awed expression and informed her, ‘I was very good at history when at school. It was my favourite subject and I’ve read a lot of books about Ireland.’

  ‘Are you enjoying yourself then?’ she asked diffidently. ‘I mean, you would say if you would prefer to be alone, wouldn’t you? You aren’t bored with me and William trailing along?’

  They were sitting in a sheltered spot in the grounds of the castle overlooking Belfast Lough, eating the picnic lunch prepared by Susan. William was asleep in his carrycot, exhausted by all the fresh air according to Susan. There was no one else about and it was as if they were cut off from civilisation. Moving closer, he put his arm around her shoulders.

  ‘I can honestly say I’m far from bored.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear that. Okay then, tomorrow we’ll . . .’

  He put a finger to her lips. ‘Tomorrow, we won’t travel far. I think you owe it to Jim to see him and go for your usual driving lesson. I don’t want to take unfair advantage of him.’

  With laughter in her voice, she said, ‘I thought you said all’s fair in love and war?’

  ‘I still think that, but I feel sorry for him. I fear he’s fighting a losing battle and there’s not much he can do about it.’ A finger under her chin, he tilted her face towards his. ‘For instance, he’s not in a position to do this.’ His lips were soft and tender on hers. She squirmed, wanting more, but he again put her gently from him. At her frustrated sigh he smiled and said, ‘All in good time.’

  Tuesday night she was ready when Jim came to collect her. He breathed a sigh of relief.

  Opening the driver’s door, he said, ‘In you go. I think we’ll go straight into town tonight. It’s time you learnt to drive in the city traffic for a change and it won’t be too busy at this time of night. We’ll get you used to the traffic lights and do a bit of hand signalling on the way.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ she cried aghast as she slid behind the wheel. ‘There are plenty of car parks and quiet streets about. I’d be too nervous to go anywhere else.’

  ‘You’re a very good driver, Susan. You could do anything you set you mind on. It’s all about confidence. Remember that when you take your test.’

  ‘There will be no hurry with that.’

  ‘Not if I have my way and you come to America with me.’

  ‘Jim ...’

  ‘I know. You don’t want to talk about it. But I can hope, can’t I?’ Her expression was glum and he promised, ‘No more talk about America tonight. After you’ve conquered the town, you can drive me out to the Chimney Corner Inn. I’ve booked a table for dinner.’

  She smiled. ‘If I’ve to conquer the town first we’ll never get there. You might very well starve.’

  ‘Look, Susan, think positive. Now prepare to turn right at these traffic lights coming up.’

  She immediately tensed. She hated taking right-hand turns.

  ‘You can do it, Susan. You’ve done it before. Just relax.’

  To her relief, she managed the hand signal and manoeuvre without any difficulty and his words of praise warmed her heart. Nevertheless she was glad when at last her lesson in town was over. Ten minutes later they were passing through Glengormley on their way to the Chimney Corner. She was feeling more relaxed now and enjoying the driving. She even managed a perfect reverse into a parking spot in the car park.

  After they had perused the menu and ordered, he inquired after Donald. ‘Well, have you been squiring Donald around the sights?’

  ‘Not really. We visited the castle and the zoo on Sunday and yesterday we went along the coast road as far as Bushmills. We went into the distillery and Donald bought a bottle of Black Bush to take home to Billy. On the way back we stopped at Carrick castle for a picnic. He thought the scenery was out of this world.’

  ‘That’s nice. The weather’s holding out rightly for him. Does he intend going down south?’

  ‘Yes. He’s taking off tomorrow for Dublin. I left him and Dad poring over road maps. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Dad takes a couple of days off and goes with him. They get on remarkably well, you know . . .’

  ‘You’re not going to accompany him then?’

  ‘No, William has a touch of the sniffles and I want to keep him indoors for a couple of days. It’s probably all that sea air that brought it on.’

  The relief Jim experienced was profound. At last he had something to be thankful to William for. And better still, Susan didn’t appear in the least bit disappointed not to be accompanying Donald. ‘Then I’ll see you as usual on Thursday night?’

  She nodded and he asked tentatively, ‘Can we go to the pictures or somewhere after your driving lesson?’

  ‘I would like that, Jim, because I won’t be able to see you on Saturday night. As I’ve already told you, Aunt Edith has sent over some presents for her parents, and when I phoned Grannie she said to come down at the weekend, when there would be a sing-song in one of the local pubs and we would enjoy it.’

  He swallowed his disappointment and smiled gamely. ‘I must admit that time is dragging for me at the moment. I hate the thought of you two being together so often. But still, he will only be here a few weeks, and he’s well aware you’re my girl. Isn’t he?’

  She nodded and agreed with him. ‘Yes, he is.’ However, she didn’t meet Jim’s eyes and the arrival of their starters put an end to the topic.

  Back home, when he drew the car to a standstill in the driveway, Susan turned to him. ‘I enjoyed myself tonight, Jim. Thank you very much. Would you care to come in for a coffee?’ Her eyes teased him. ‘After all, you didn’t get the last one.’

  ‘I’m sorry about that. It was very childish of me.’

  ‘Never mind.’ She made to get out of the car, but a hand on her arm stopped her. For some unknown reason, the last time he had tried to stop her leaving the car entered her mind and she went rigid. He immediately let go his hold. ‘Susa
n? Surely you don’t . . .’

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me just now. I honestly haven’t even thought of that night in a long while.’

  ‘I was just going to say I wouldn’t come in for coffee. Stay and talk to me for a while, like you usually do.’

  ‘I can’t. Donald will know we’re here and he’ll wonder why you aren’t coming in.’

  ‘If Donald is any kind of a man at all, he will know very well why I want to stay out here with you.’

  Sensing that he was feeling hurt, she relaxed and put her hand on his arm. ‘I’m sorry. Of course I’ll stay . . . for a short while.’

  With a sigh of relief he put his arm around her.

  For all his warnings, except for that one time at Carrickfergus, Donald hadn’t hugged and kissed her. Just the odd peck on the cheek, leaving her wanting more. Now Jim was nuzzling her neck and whispering endearments in her ear and she found it quite pleasant. More than pleasant! She turned in his arms and returned his caresses. Sensual longing was apparent in her hands and mouth. It was a half-hour later when she sighed and said that she must go in.

  Delighted at her show of passion, which had been sorely lacking of late, Jim reluctantly released her from his embrace. ‘Good night, my love. See you Thursday night.’

  To her dismay, Donald had retired when she at last entered the house. Only her mother was downstairs. ‘Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?’ she asked.

  ‘No, thank you, Mam. I’m tired, I’ll go on up to bed.’

  ‘Your dad and Donald are off early in the morning - that’s why they went to bed early.’

  ‘Is Dad going with Donald, then?’

  ‘Yes, I’m glad to say. He deserves a break. Did you enjoy the meal?’

  ‘Oh, it was so-so.’

  ‘But you enjoyed being with Jim.’

  Bewildered, Susan nodded.

  ‘You do still intend marrying him, don’t you?’

  ‘Now, Mam, I never said I was going to marry him! I said I’d think about it.’

  ‘You love him, so what’s there to think about?’