Absolutely Not

by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

  Maisy’s shoulders slumped and she hesitated a moment before speaking. The last thing she wanted to think about was a future that could never be. “Soul mate? Aren’t you jumping the gun just a bit? Keller and I only had one date.” She shrugged loose from Norman’s arm and resumed her pacing.

  “You drive me crazy, you know that?” Norman shook an accusatory finger. “Remember my psychic flashes? I predicted that Keller was the one, didn’t I?”

  Maisy slapped her hand against her forehead. “Oh puhleeze. Don’t tell me you’re going to start that crap again. Give it up, will ya, Norman?” Circling around to the front of his desk, she scanned the surface. “Enough talking. Got any more chocolate?”

  Norman reached in his drawer and pulled out a bright yellow bag of Toll House chocolate chips. Maisy held out her hand, staring as Norman poured the first few semisweet morsels into her palm. Her eyes became all watery again and she sniveled.

  Then she whimpered.

  Slanting her a puzzled look, Norman stopped pouring. “Now what’s the matter? You’re looking at the chocolate chips as if they were poison.”

  Chin quivering, a fat tear rolled down Maisy’s cheek as she looked up at her boss and back at the chips. “I’ll never be able to look at these again without thinking of Keller Fitch’s eyes,” she whispered.

  * * * * *

  “Good boy. You’ve done your business outside. I’ve got you all set with fresh water, half a bowl of dog chow, your favorite yellow duck squeak toy and a brand new rawhide bone,” Maisy told Hershey. “Everything you need to keep you happy, occupied and out of my hair for at least the next hour.” She patted his head as he settled in the midst of his treats and left the room.

  Once in her bedroom, she closed the door and tossed the plain, brown-paper-wrapped box that had arrived in the mail on the bed. On the way to the bathroom, she stripped out of her clothes, letting them fall to the floor in haphazard fashion.

  Closing the tub’s stopper, she turned on the water, nice and warm, spilling three capfuls of her favorite lavender bubble bath into the churning stream. Then she lit the dozen candles she’d placed around the tub and lit a stick of lavender-scented incense. Surveying her handiwork with a slow smile, she returned to her bed and tore open the package.

  “Wild and Wanton Underwater Wonder,” she read loud from the package that held her brand new waterproof vibrator. She’d found it online at the same sex toy store where she’d purchased her Duo-Head Maximum Power Thruster vibrator, which, unfortunately, wasn’t recommended for water submersion.

  She’d resisted as long as she could, but after that lollapalooza orgasm Keller had treated her to during their picnic lunch, Maisy simply hadn’t been able to get enough of a punch from her trusty old Duo-Head. Where that clever device used to rock her whole body and have her quivering like a bowl of jelly in two minutes flat, it just wasn’t the same anymore.

  Not when the memory of Keller’s magic fingers kept lurching into her brain.

  But the neon green Wild and Wanton Underwater Wonder would fix that. It would succeed in obliterating all thoughts of Keller Fitch from her mind. Satisfaction guaranteed, the package stated. The most powerful, jarring vibrator you’ve ever used, or your money back.

  The added bonus of using a vibrator in the bathtub made it extra erotic. By the time she was finished fucking herself senseless with this marvelous tool, Keller would be nothing but a distant memory, swirling down the drain along with the used bathwater.

  Padding back into the bathroom, WWUW in hand, Maisy sucked in an exhilarated breath. God, she was becoming a fiendish orgasm addict. Titillating her clit had become almost as important as soothing her wounded psyche with chocolate.

  She gave a satisfied ahhhh as she slipped into the water and settled beneath the fragrant bubbles. Her new vibrator had lots of different options, some labeled with cautionary advisories to avoid too powerful an orgasm. The thought made her chuckle. It was kind of like those commercials for peppy pecker pills that warned men to seek medical attention if they maintained an erection for more than four hours.

  Studying the WWUW, Maisy wondered why they chose to make the vibrator in that particular shade of light glowy green. It made her think of aliens.

  Aliens.

  Oh yeah…she could have some fun with that. Giving a husky chuckle at the thought, she rested her head against the small bath pillow, turned on her new sex toy, and got busy with the pleasurable task of satisfying herself…

  Maisy Morganfield relaxed in her lavender-scented bath, plucking her pretty pink nipples until they were rigid and she felt the delicious ache, clear to her shiny pink clit. The fingers of one hand snaked down her silky soft flesh until they came into direct contact with her submerged lotus flower. Snaking her finger inside the petals, she tiptoed through the twolips and diddled at the center to her heart’s content.

  Alas, if only she had a big, brawny, colossal-cocked man at her disposal. One with a powerful five-speed stick shift, who could piston into her glove box and send her over the moon with a mind-blowing, teeth-rattling orgasm. It had been far too long since her last, full service lube job…

  Fully expecting to arrive at the annual intergalactic Council of Chicago Kinkiness convention, otherwise known as COCK, the lieutenant found that he had instead been transported down from his spaceship to the bathroom of a lip-lickingly luscious Earth woman with hair of spun gold.

  One look at the living, breathing goddess told him this was a detour he would not regret.

  Filled with lusty longing, his large love-lollipop lengthened considerably upon glimpsing the naked, too-beautiful-for-words woman of faultless Rubenesque proportions as she luxuriated in her bath. Her tits floating atop the water reminded him of magnificent warheads and he wanted nothing more than to detonate them with a wicked twist of his teeth.

  Her face was flawless, and he could tell her little bow mouth would provide scintillating, sweet suckage for his sizeable swizzle stick. The goddess’s little pink tongue peeked out, sliding across her lip as she lay in her bath, eyes closed and moaning as she masturbated.

  Indeed, she was in need of an able male as much as he needed a fuck-ready female.

  With a single wave of his hand, he removed his invisibility shield and smiled down at the bubble-covered beauty.

  “Good evening, my tantalizing temptress. My name is Lieutenant Largo Lovethruster from the planet Dickprobe. May I join you in your bath, you incredibly gorgeous specimen of womanhood?” he asked, standing before her with his divining rod fully erect and bobbing in anticipation of their flesh-to-flesh joining.

  The Earth woman appeared to be more pleased than startled at his sudden appearance. A ravenous look of hunger was evident in her jewel-like, hypnotic, Prussian-blue eyes.

  “I come expertly equipped,” he assured her, “with a dynamic ding-a-ling guaranteed to satisfy your creamy cock cave. I shall provide you with the most powerful, jarring climax you have ever experienced, or your money back.”

  Maisy took a moment to drink in Largo Lovethruster’s family jewels with her eyes before speaking. “How could I possibly pass up an offer like that?” she said in a breathy voice.

  Other than being bright neon green from head to toe, and having a set of gills, she thought Largo was a vision of anatomic perfection. Naturally, her love purse drooled in response. The expectation of being filled with heavy alien coin was a most pleasing idea.

  “Sure, big boy,” she said in a sultry tone. “I’d be happy for you to poke me with that great big neon pickle of yours. Come on in, the water’s fine.”

  As he got into the bathtub with her, Maisy’s gaze zeroed in on the latitude and longitude of Lovethruster’s love lance. Lordy, Largo was large. Having him light her lamp would be a luscious experience. She lingered on the thought.

  “That’s one mighty fine set of missiles you have mounted on your chest, Maisy,” Largo said, just before taking the tip of one in his mouth and nibbling, driving her insane with pleasure. Th
e alien certainly knew how to handle the equipment.

  “I’ve been told they make great pool toys,” Maisy breathed, clasping her missiles and mashing them harder against Largo’s lips. “Listen, handsome, I’m eager to get down to the business of fucking. So how about taking that monstrous gherkin of yours and diddling my little bean, Largo? After that, I’ll let you drill my ditch.”

  He diddled her bean with such intensity, Maisy’s eyeballs crossed and she yelped. That was nothing compared to when his ding-a-ling got to doing the dance. Diving in the dark. Digging and driving, deep, deeper. Damn!

  Maisy’s eyes popped open wide and her alien fantasy went poof as her neon green Wild and Wanton Underwater Wonder lived up to its cautionary claims, edging Maisy toward a new precipice. One so jarring and forceful it almost frightened her.

  If she’d been smart, she would have tossed the perilous plastic vibrator out of the tub right then and there. But she held on tight, with one part lodged inside her cunt and the other part fixed firmly at her clit as she tortured herself sweetly.

  The vibrations were so powerful she thought she might take off, shooting out of the tub and crashing through the ceiling, heading for the stars…or Largo Lovethruster’s planet, Dickprobe.

  Most disconcerting of all, and the reason Maisy just couldn’t bring herself to let go, is that, as her body trembled and shuddered, her senses were overcome with thoughts of Keller. Sexy, sultry images, memories of his taste, his smell, his eyes, his voice as he whispered her name.

  Her head inadvertently slipping under the water while she cried out Keller’s name as she came in great, undulating waves of pain-tinged pleasure, Maisy was certain she was killing herself. But good God…what a way to go!

  Local travel agent Maisy Morganfield was found dead in her bathtub last night. From the shit-eating grin on her face, the cause of death appears to be clitoris electrocution, caused by a malfunctioning waterproof vibrator. News at eleven.

  Chapter Ten

  The brusque late February elements filled the travel agency with people eager to escape the harsh winds and bone-chilling cold. Thankful to have something to fill her thoughts so completely, Maisy threw herself into her work.

  Even Norman was too busy to harp on Maisy about Keller, thank God.

  “Whew.” Maisy wiped her brow as she collapsed against the back of her chair and spun around. “That makes eight all-inclusive Jamaica packages, four Grand Cayman packages, half a dozen Puerto Vallarta packages and a handful of Caribbean cruises just since nine o’clock this morning.”

  “Carol and Yolanda and I have been booking like crazy too,” Norman said. “As soon as the temperatures dropped, I knew those phones would be ringing off the hook.” Rubbing his hands together briskly, Norman looked like a kid on his birthday. “God, I love the travel business. Bring on the blustery cold weather, I always say.” He reveled in a wicked laugh.

  “I never knew anybody who loved their work as much as you do, Norman,” Maisy laughed.

  Peeking at her computer screen, Norman drew in a deep breath, expelling it with a satisfied ahhhh. “I get goose bumps looking at all those pretty little dollar signs.” Glancing at the wall clock, he grabbed Maisy’s coat and tossed it at her. “Here, put this on and go warm up my car.” He tossed his keys on her desk. “It’s almost one-thirty and we haven’t even had time to stop for lunch. Let’s grab a bite somewhere.”

  “Sounds great, I’m famished.” Maisy scrambled to her feet. “Do we have enough staff to cover?”

  “Yeah, I’m letting Yolanda go early because she and Felix Garcia have another hot date tonight.” Norman beamed a satisfied grinned. “God, I love it when my psychic flashes are right. Anyway, Tracy and Bob will be here in a few minutes for the next shift, so we’re covered. I’ll be out in a couple of minutes, Maisy. I just have a quick call to make.”

  The car was just getting warm inside as Norman scooted behind the wheel.

  “You know, this icy weather always makes me homesick for my Grandma Gert’s hearty German cooking,” he said, pulling out of the parking spot. “I heard about a German restaurant in Naperville called Bavaria Haus. Supposed to be very good. Real authentic. Want to give it a try?”

  “Sure, I’m game.” Shivering, Maisy tugged at her coat so it overlapped in front of her. “I need something hearty to warm my innards.”

  “Once we drink a couple steins of good German beer, believe me, you won’t be thinking anymore about the cold,” Norman assured her.

  “Beer?” Maisy stuck out her tongue and shuddered. “Hate it. Never drink the stuff.”

  “Rich, nutty, amber brew with a creamy head on top. Ahhhh…” Norman said with a fond smile. “My favorite’s Winterfest Marzen from Munich. I guarantee you’ll love it. It’s not like that pale, namby-pamby American stuff they try to pass off as beer. This has real gusto with a rich, full-bodied maltiness, a lightly hoppy background and bittersweet, but clean-tasting palate.”

  Maisy couldn’t help chuckling. Norman talked about beer with the same knowledge and reverence that she did chocolate. “Sounds very…gusto-y.”

  “Speaking as your mentor, appreciating a good brew is the next lesson in your quest to become more cosmopolitan.”

  Cringing, Maisy recalled the fool she’d made of herself in front of Keller with her dopey wet wine remark. She slanted Norman an uncertain look. “Well, since I’m sadly in need of all the mentoring I can get, I suppose I should broaden my cosmopolitan horizons to include,” she shuddered, “beer.”

  “Good girl. Now you’re talking. The trick is to take it easy. Once you get used to it, beer goes down real smooth and before you know it, bam, you’re plotched and accompanying the oompah band as they play ‘Roll out the Barrel’.” Hoisting an invisible beer stein, Norman kept time with the polka music he hummed.

  By the time they reached Bavaria Haus it was after two. Given the in-between hour, there were few people in the restaurant. The cute little place was a gem. The décor was storybook German and the staff wore old-world costumes. Male servers were garbed in fanciful lederhosen, knee socks and little hats sporting a stubby feather, while female servers wore peasant-style dresses with aprons and long blonde braids.

  Maisy immediately liked owners Rudy and Marta Haggenmacher, a brother-and-sister team who had moved to the U.S. from Germany recently. With their pale blond hair, light blue eyes and rosy cheeks, they were a robust, attractive pair who looked as if they could have stepped off an inviting Come Visit Germany travel brochure.

  Friendly and jovial salt-of-the-earth types, they treated Norman and Maisy like old friends, plying them with free steins of beer and slabs of flaky apple strudel. Maisy figured she must have gained a good fifty pounds over lunch.

  Once the other customers left, Rudy and Marta pulled up a couple of chairs and joined them. During the course of conversation, they told them they had four other siblings, each sharing in the ownership of Bavaria Haus, even though two of them still lived in Germany. Maisy wondered if the other four had the same picture-postcard good looks as Rudy and Marta. There were definitely some fine genes running through that family.

  The brother and sister were single, which had Maisy’s increasingly naughty thoughts stirring. She couldn’t help wondering what it might be like to have a big, blond barbarian type like Rudy carry her off and have his way with her. The man was a giant, gorgeous block of nonstop muscle, oozing with sex appeal and broken-English charm.

  Norman practiced his fractured German and the owners practiced their fractured English. They even broke into song several times, treating Maisy to one of the most enjoyable, laugh-filled afternoons she’d had in ages.

  “What a terrific lunch,” Maisy said as they left the restaurant. “Good food and sensational company. Believe it or not, I even liked the beer. I had a great time, Norman.”

  “It was fun. Weren’t the owners adorable? Did you get a load of the muscles on Rudy?” Norman jiggled his eyebrows.

  “Holy shit. I’d have to
be blind not to. The man is definitely eye candy,” Maisy agreed. “A real hottie.”

  “My thoughts exactly. He wants to get together with me next week over a couple of beers,” Norman said, elbowing her.

  Maisy caught the lusty look in his eyes and smiled. “Rudy’s gay? I never would have guessed. And here I thought he was giving me the eye. Shows you how perceptive I am.” She laughed.

  “I could tell he definitely likes you—as a friend—but the big guy has the hots for me,” Norman informed her with a devilish grin. “I guess it’s like you said, Maisy, those Europeans like their partners zaftig.” He clapped his hips.

  “Aside from being gorgeous, he seems really nice, Norman. Fun-loving and genuine. I can really picture you guys togeth—” Maisy stopped short. “Eh, what I meant to say—”

  Norman gave her a hearty slap on the back and laughed. “I know what you meant.”

  They walked with their arms wrapped around each other’s backs toward the restaurant’s parking lot.

  Norman stuck out his belly and puffed his cheeks. “Boy, am I stuffed. How about you?”

  “Stuffed? Are you kidding? Jeez Norman, it’s going to take me at least a month to work off all that food. And, yikes, what about all that beer?” She clapped her hands over her belly, jiggling it Santa Claus style. “Not only am I stuffed, I think I’m borderline sloshed too.” She giggled.

  Wagging his finger, Norman chastised, “I warned you to take it easy on the beer. That good German stuff is almost as smooth and creamy as a milkshake and it creeps up on you real fast, kid. Especially if you’re an inexperienced drinker.”

  “Yeah, yeah, okay, Dad.” Maisy waved a dismissive hand. “Good grief, if this is the way they eat and drink every day in Germany it’s a miracle everybody there doesn’t weigh four hundred pounds and walk around in a perpetual state of insobriety.”