Absolutely Not

by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

  Heading for the front door, Maisy thought about the terribly naughty crotchless panties and lacy, barely there bra she wore beneath her dress. A warm tingle lodged at her pussy as she contemplated an extensive night of sizzling, hot passion.

  She had a really good feeling about tonight. Norman’s mystery dinner rehearsal idea was fairly believable. And she’d decided to tell Keller that it was just her overly amorous, dopey cousin he saw kissing her at the restaurant. She grinned at Hershey and he bellowed a sickly whimper.

  “Nope,” she said, patting the little dog, “you don’t have to worry, Hershey. I think everything’s going to work out perfectly for Keller and me—I can feel it in my bones.” She sucked in a deep breath and answered the door.

  Maisy gasped. “Rudy! What are you doing here?”

  “I’ve come to help you, Maisy,” he said, stepping into her living room. “Hello, my fur-buddy Hershey.” He petted the little dog, which was clearly in heaven, sniffing the restaurant odors clinging to Rudy’s body.

  “You what?”

  “Ja. I feel so terrible when Norman told me about the bad situation you have with your dreamship.”

  “My what?”

  “Your lover boy.” Rudy nodded with a wink. “I know I did not do a very good job at the restaurant with Big Wilson last night. So I thought I would come here to pretend to be your rich Austrian travel client tonight.” He held his shoulders back proudly and grinned. “Surprise, Maisy!”

  Maisy’s hand flew to her mouth in horror. “Oh no! No, Rudy, you have to leave.”

  “But—”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude. I mean, this was a very sweet gesture on your part, and I really appreciate it,” she said gently, as she pushed the hulking German out of her house. “But I’d really rather be alone with Keller. You can understand that, right?”

  Rudy nodded knowingly. “Ahhh, you want to get cozy and have more sex with your dreamship. Yes, I understand.” He gave her a thumbs-up sign.

  “Dreamboat,” Maisy corrected. “Besides, I told Keller our Austrian client is an elderly man and you’re certainly not—” Maisy gasped and clapped her hand against her mouth. “Oh my God, Rudy, I nearly forgot. Keller saw you putting the moves on me last night at the restaurant. We have got to get you out of here before he sees you.” She pushed him again, barely moving him an inch.

  “Putting the moves?” Rudy scrunched his handsome features. “What does this mean?”

  “You know, the lip-lock, the clench.” She rolled her eyes and groaned as Rudy just stood there looking gorgeously befuddled. “The passionate kiss you gave me, Rudy, remember?”

  “Oh! The macho-man smooch. Ja, sure I remember.” He broadcast a bright smile. “I did an excellent job of putting the moves on you, ja, Maisy? We fooled Big Wilson pretty good. He thinks Norman and I are manly men and that you are I are having much newlywed sex.” He broke into a wide-toothed grin, looking for all the world like a big kid.

  Sighing, Maisy patted his solid arm and nodded. “Yes, Rudy, you did a fine job. Your performance was so…dramatic…that it flabbergasted not only Big Willy but Norman and me too.” She smiled weakly.

  “Ja, I can be very dramatic when I have to be. Don’t worry, if I can fool Big Wilson, I can fool your dreamship too… I have been practicing my Austrian accent.”

  “Oh good Lord. No, Rudy. Really, it’s not necessary. You have to go. Now…” Maisy shoved him again, which had about as much effect as trying to topple a brick wall.

  “Keller’s likely to be here any—” Inhaling an audible gasp, Maisy yanked Rudy into the house and slammed the door. “Damn it!” she said, hunching down into a squatting position and pulling Rudy down along with her.

  Obviously dumbfounded, Rudy said, “What’s wrong, Maisy?”

  The doorbell rang and Maisy grasped Rudy’s arm, digging her nails into the sleeve of his sport coat. “Shhh. He’s here,” she whispered, placing her finger to her lips. “We need to stay down here, out of sight.”

  “Who is here? Big Wilson?”

  Maisy offered him a disbelieving look. “Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said?” she whispered. “Keller’s here. He pulled up just a minute ago. That’s him at the door. He absolutely cannot see you here. I could never explain it if he recognized you from last night. He thinks you and I are—”

  The bell rang again, this time followed by a knock. Maisy held her finger to her lips in a shushing motion again. “If we’re quiet, maybe he’ll just go away.”

  “Ah, but that would be terrible, Maisy. Then you would miss your dreamship man.” Bestowing a kind, gentle smile on Maisy, Rudy patted her neatly coiffed hair. “Don’t worry, little one. Everything will be fine. Trust me.” With that, he rose and opened the door before Maisy could stop him.

  “No!” she squealed to no avail before coming face to knees with Keller.

  Trust me? Trust me! My God, Rudy and Norman really are made for each other, Maisy thought as her heart slid down to her toes.

  Keller looked astoundingly handsome in his dark suit and tie. “Hello,” was all she could manage as she offered a dilapidated grin, raised her hand and wiggled her fingers at him.

  “Uh…hi, Maisy. What are you doing down there?” Keller asked.

  “Oh. I’m…looking for my earring.” She patted her hands across the floor.

  “You mean one of those?” Keller said, squatting and flicking the gold adornments on Maisy’s bejeweled ears with his fingernails.

  Maisy’s hands flew to her ears and she laughed. “Well, what do you know? Always the last place you look.” She laughed again as Keller assisted her to a standing position.

  “Ah, you must be Keller,” Rudy said, grasping Keller’s hand and pumping sturdily. At the same time, Hershey greeted Keller eagerly by doing his best to crawl up the man’s pant leg.

  “I am Rudy Schwarzenegger, the rich, important, elderly traveler from Germany.” Maisy discreetly kicked his leg and Rudy winced. “I mean Austria.”

  After petting Hershey, Keller eyed the big, strapping, handsome young hunk. He turned his gaze on Maisy. “So this is the old guy you told me about earlier, huh?”

  Maisy felt her face growing hot. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. “Yes, well…he…uh…the interesting thing is that…” Her mind emptied as fast as a schoolroom at recess.

  “Yes, young man,” Rudy piped in. “I am much older than I look. Old enough even to be your papa.” He winked at Maisy who wanted to wither and die right there on the spot.

  “I take special vitamins and eat yogurt and wheat germ and I work out every day. For this, I appear to have the childish body of a thirty-five-year-old.” He beamed a smile, apparently satisfied that Keller was going to buy his cockamamie story without batting an eye.

  The expression across Keller’s face was half grimace, half twisted smile, as though he wasn’t sure whether to laugh or to spit something out. Miraculously, it seemed that he hadn’t recognized Rudy from the restaurant. Maisy sent up a silent prayer of thanks.

  “Is this guy for real?” Keller finally said to Maisy, thumbing toward Rudy.

  Maisy blanched as she heard one of Norman’s nervous staccato giggles erupt from her lips. “I’m afraid so,” she said, offering a sickly smile.

  “What do you mean? Sure, I am real,” Rudy said, flexing his bicep. “Here, feel this muscle—like iron.”

  Maisy pressed Rudy’s arm down. “Rudy, that’s just a figure of speech.”

  “Oh. Sorry. I still have a little bit of trouble with my English.”

  Maisy held back a burst of incredulous laughter at his understatement. “Yes, Keller,” she said. “Rudy’s actually quite a bit older than he looks. Probably something in his genes.”

  Rudy grasped his suit pants, looking confused. “But I am not wearing my jeans, Maisy. I thought a suit would be better tonight.”

  Stone faced, Maisy indulged in a long blink. No use shooting him a look meant to kill. It would have littl
e effect on Rudy because he was too busy trying to figure out the genes-jeans issue to notice Maisy’s vexation.

  “You know, you look awfully familiar, Rudy. Have we met before?” Keller asked through a narrowed, searching gaze. “Someplace recently. Let me think…”

  Panic infusing her cells, Maisy slid her fingers behind her back and crossed them.

  “No! That was not me you saw at the restaurant last night,” Rudy blurted.

  “Oh God,” Maisy said as she let her head fall against the front door with a thud. “God, God, God,” she repeated, banging her head against the door with each repetition.

  “Last night. That’s it!” Keller practically shrieked as he jabbed a finger at the big German. “The restaurant! You’re the face sucker!”

  Rudy’s features scrunched. “What is this face sucker?”

  “For heaven’s sake, Keller, don’t be ridiculous.” Reasonably certain her goose was cooked, Maisy struggled valiantly to salvage the budding relationship with the man of her dreams. “That wasn’t Rudy. I mean, how could it be? I told you that he just flew in from Austria today, didn’t I?”

  “Do I look like an idiot, Maisy?” Keller’s chiding tone was steely as he crossed his arms over his chest.

  “You just arrived today, right, Rudy?” Maisy coached, her smile faltering, the last remnants of confidence evaporating.

  Looking flustered, Rudy licked his lips and leaned toward Maisy, cupping his hand against her ear.

  “What should I say, Maisy?” he whispered a bit too loudly. “Ow!” he said, rubbing his calf where Maisy had just kicked him. “Ja! I just came here today from Austria. I was not the possible face sucker you saw last night.” He gave Maisy an exaggerated wink.

  Keller shifted, resting his weight on one leg. “Okay, there’s something really fishy going on around here and I want to know what it is. You’re not going to squirm out of it this time, Maisy. Got it?”

  “I’m telling you, Keller, that wasn’t Rudy you saw last night. That was…my cousin.” Oh crap. She couldn’t believe her own ears. Talk about desperation! She was a moron. An idiot. A feather-brained nincompoop.

  Keller gawked at her, disbelief skewing his features.

  Swallowing the lump in her throat, Maisy offered him a sad, sickly, hopeful smile.

  “Of course!” Keller said, raising his arms and letting them slap against his sides. “Thus the term, kissing cousins…” His smile morphed into a disbelieving glare.

  “Yes.” She gave an enthusiastic nod. “Exactly. My cousin is the black sheep of the family. Dopey and overly amorous with all of his female cousins.” She flashed a hopeful grin.

  Keller studied Maisy and then shifted his gaze to Rudy. He shook his head. “Nope. Uh-uh.” He turned back to Maisy, while pointing at Rudy. “That’s him. That’s the guy I saw attached to you last night. Come on, what is this? What’s going on?”

  Rudy stepped forward. “Please, Keller, you must believe Maisy. It could not be me who was doing an attachment to Maisy, because I do not have sexual interest for women.”

  Keller cocked his head. “Huh?”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake, Keller,” Maisy said. “Rudy is gay.”

  Keller gave the blue-eyed blond, who could have been a candidate for Mr. Universe, a skeptical appraisal. “Yeah right. It seems you’ve uncovered a great deal of personal information about your client, considering he just flew in from Austria today.”

  “Eh…” was Maisy’s brilliant retort.

  “Maisy speaks the truth,” Rudy said. “Norman and I are very gay lovers…”

  Maisy gasped and Keller’s face froze.

  “Keller,” Maisy jumped in, “let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing to explain. I fully understand the term gay, Maisy. However,” he eyed the striking German again, “I’m not all that sure I believe it. I’ve seen the way this guy looks at you, Maisy.”

  Just as Maisy opened her mouth to protest, the doorbell rang.

  Maisy stood stone still, wondering what further travesty awaited just outside her door.

  Rudy reached for the doorknob and Maisy whapped his hand away. “Rudy, do not touch that doorknob.”

  “Allow me,” Keller said, yanking the door open before Maisy could do anything to stop him.

  “Howdy, young fella,” Big Willy said to Keller as he doffed his Stetson. “Is Maisy here?”

  If it were possible for a person to have a near death experience while standing in her foyer, Maisy was certain that’s exactly what was happening to her at that very moment.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “There’s my girl,” Big Willy said, picking Maisy up and swinging her around. “Y’all don’t mind if I greet the little missus Texas style, do you?”

  “The missus?” Keller nearly squeaked.

  Hershey barked and growled. He evidently didn’t care for the big Texan getting so familiar with his mistress.

  Keller looked from Big Willy to Rudy to Maisy. “What the hell is going on here? Maisy, is this guy your husband?” he asked, motioning to Big Willy.

  “Certainly not,” Maisy said, practically spitting the words in disgust. “Wilson, put me down this instant!”

  Reveling in laughter, Big Willy complied. “Nope, young fella,” he said, slapping Keller roundly on the back. “I surely tried, but Maisy’s heart was stolen by this nice foreign fella here.” He nodded toward Rudy and Keller’s eyes about popped out of his skull. Maisy gave in to a pained groan. “Name’s Wilson Jasper, but everybody calls me Big Willy. And you are?”

  “Keller,” he said absently. “Keller Fi—”

  “Wilson!” Maisy cried before Keller could get the Fitch part out.

  All three men started.

  She stepped between Keller and Big Willy, clinging desperately to the hope that she could somehow salvage the whole sordid, twisted mess. “This is my friend Keller. He owns a local winery.”

  “Wine, huh?” Big Willy gave Keller a lengthy appraisal. “Well, wine’s fine for them rich and prissy fancy folk, and for the ladies, of course. But I say, if a man wants a real drink, there’s nothing like a good slug of whiskey.” Winking, Big Willy held his hands up almost apologetically. “No offense, mind you, son.”

  “None taken.” Keller shrugged. “To each his own. Now what was that you were saying about Maisy and Rudy?”

  “I don’t think I have any whiskey or wine in the house,” Maisy interrupted, stalling for time, although, at this point, she didn’t see how that really even mattered anymore. It was a lost cause.

  “But I’ve got some Godiva chocolate liqueur, some Baileys, some dark rum and some Kahlua. And chocolate syrup, of course. We can mix them all together and try that!”

  The three men curled their lips in revulsion.

  “Yup,” Big Willy went on, ignoring Maisy’s suggestion, “my little Maisy went and broke my heart when she married this lucky kraut-head here a while back.”

  “Married.”

  Maisy wasn’t sure if the word Keller uttered was a question or a statement. All she knew was that his face reddened and he looked like he was about to explode, or fall over, or maybe strangle somebody. Or maybe a little of each.

  “I thought you said you and him were friends, Maisy,” Big Willy said, motioning to Keller and looking puzzled. “How come he don’t know about you and Rudy gettin’ hitched?”

  “Yeah, Maisy. How come?” Keller asked, his voice deadly calm.

  Maisy opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

  “Oh I get it.” Big Willy nodded. “Guess the newlyweds are still keepin’ it a secret. Cousin Norman said old Rudy here had some trouble coming into the country and they had to keep things quiet. Ain’t that right, Maisy?”

  Maisy’s mouth still hung open silently. She ventured a glimpse at Keller, shuddering at his cold, brutal glare.

  She realized then that life as she knew it was over. Finished. Kaput.

  “Best part of all is they’re expectin’ a little bundle fro
m heaven,” Big Willy offered.

  “Oh dear Lord in heaven,” Maisy mumbled feebly. “Just take me now. Please.”

  “Ain’t that right, Rudy?’” Big Willy elbowed the German as he reached over and patted Maisy’s belly.

  Rudy had the same deer-in-the-headlights look on his face that Maisy expected she had.

  “Maisy’s pregnant?” Keller’s gaze locked on Maisy’s midsection and he gaped. “So much for Rudy being gay,” he said, pinning Maisy in place with a merciless gaze. “So that was a lie then too, huh, Maisy?”

  “Gay!” Big Willy pounced. “You mean a homo? What in the hell are you talkin’ about, boy?”

  “This guy,” Keller said, motioning to Rudy, “and your cousin Norman. I thought they were…a couple.”

  Maisy uttered a pitiful squeak.

  “Whoa! Now hold on there just a danged minute,” Big Willy roared, raising his hands in protest. “You best be careful, ’cause them are fightin’ words where I come from.” All Big Willy needed was the set of horns on his head to look like a raging bull.

  Nobody moved a muscle.

  “Cousin Norman, a pansy?” Big Willy shuddered. “Now look, young fella, there ain’t no way one of my own kin is a fairy, you got that? I don’t know where you came up with such a harebrained notion, but there ain’t nothin’ further from the truth. Ya hear?” He gave Rudy’s shoulder a pat. “Go ahead and tell him, Rudy.”

  Glancing from one person to the next, Rudy gulped air like a fish out of water. Maisy glimpsed beads of perspiration streaming in rivulets down his face and neck, soaking his collar.

  Rudy cleared his throat. “Norman is the manliest, unflower-like man I have ever known,” he insisted, head high and shoulders back. “He has abundant sex with many big-breasted women every day. He is not from another planet and he is not bent.”

  “Not bent?” Big Willy asked, removing his Stetson to scratch his head.