Stop Talking To Yourself
Page 8
‘Isn’t that something positive?’
‘If it equals suffering, I think you can answer that question yourself...’
‘True, but consider this - the profoundness of my affections is stronger than anyone else’s because of it...’
‘A feeble comment, and I reside in your head so I can know. I know what you really think about. Incessantly it’s all I ever read. I sometimes wonder how you manage to hide all these thoughts, these odd images and ideas you have from the outside world.’
‘Oh I can quote that play I loved, you know, the one with the guy fucking -sorry, loving- a goat: ‘Is THAT what it is, then? That people will KNOW!? That people will find OUT!? That I can do whatever I want, and that’s what matters!? That people will find OUT!? Fuck the... thing ITSELF!? Fuck what it means!? That people will find OUT!? (...) So that’s what it comes down to, eh? ... what we can get away with?’’
‘And you think you will get away these goats you’ve been fucking?’
‘Naturally.’
‘Do you believe in wrong?’
‘My actions aren’t ever wrong - how could they be?’
‘What about making mistakes and repenting?’
‘Nah, a narcissist justifies murder, you know. He considers all his actions justified.’
‘I am only a mere tumour, my boy - I am not you - I feed off of you, but that’s about all I do. I analyse your thoughts because it’s all I can do. That and growing bigger and bigger.’
‘Then you should be grateful for my being alive?’
‘Like you, I am neutral towards that. My life is boring, because you are living it for me.’
‘Well, you should have thought of that before you chose my brain to live in.’
‘It was no choice. You are my universe. It’s all I know.’
‘I suggest you get out of there. Things may become messy.’
‘Nah, I like a good show.’
*takes little blue pill*
ANIMAL LOVING?
I had to think about something I read about women using fish as vibrators in the Middle Ages. I read how the Church had written down punishments for women who had done so. Christians, is there anything they don’t spoil?
‘Forgive me Father for I have sinned.’
‘Tell me, my child, what are your sins?’
‘Well, Father, I was rude to the milkman today because he was late...’
‘God doesn’t like rudeness, that’s three Paternosters.’
‘Also, I really hate that guy from Wheel of Fortune on TV.’
‘God equals hatred to murder, capital sin, that’s five Paternosters.’
‘And last night, I...’
‘Yes, my child...’
‘Well, I took a fish from the aquarium and had sexual relations with it. I felt such a strong desire, I know it’s wrong and such, but I couldn’t resist! His gills, his smooth feel. It all made sense. It was so beautiful, the eyes, asking for me, devouring me. I surrendered to its lust for me!’
‘So you stole a fish?’
‘Yes, and inserted it in my...’
‘Yes, yes! Stealing is a capital sin, you know, that’s ten Paternosters.’
‘And for what I did with the fish?’
‘Well, did the fish enjoy it?’
‘I can imagine! I mean, look at me!’ (takes off her clothes, showing her nudity to the priest)
‘Hmm, well, quite... Erm... okay...’
‘Yes, Father?’ (puts clothes back on)
‘But you shouldn’t do it again! God will punish you if you do! Don’t do that anymore, you have a husband and from what I know..., I mean... erm... hear... he’s well-endowed and much more suitable than a fish. It is how God intended it.’
‘Yes, Father.’
‘Let it go, my child. God loves you and all He wants is to see you in Heaven!’
‘Erm... Father?’
‘Yes, my child?’
‘Do they have fish in Heaven?’
FAVOURS
His lover enters the bedroom.
‘Hey, babe, did you miss me?’ he approaches the bed
‘Yes, it seems you’ve been away for such a long time, and all I did was think of you.’ A kiss. ‘Also, please don’t call me babe.’
‘Ha-ha! I’ll call you whatever I want, babe, you’re my bitch and you know it.’
‘I’ll ponder that for a while.’ A smiling kiss.
‘Please do, my love. Say... what did you do while I was away?’
‘Not much, your being away was depressing - I ate a lot of chocolate.’
‘Did it help?’
‘In making me fat? NO, it didn’t. Where did you go actually?’
‘Places, I don’t know, fucked some guys, going out, did some drugs and stuff like that. Does it matter?’
‘I suppose not, as long as you’re not scarred for life, I’m happy.’
‘Oh but I’ve got a big scar I’d like you to take a look at, doctor.’
‘You poor thing! How did you get it?’
(in overacted deep voice:) ‘From thinking about you, bay-bee!’
‘Haha! That’s so fucking corny. You’re just lucky you give very good head.’
‘...I’ve been practicing since I was two.’
‘Oh it shows! Gha! Will you suck my toes?’
‘Errrrr, will you lick my armpits?’
‘Definitely! That’s also one of my fetishes!’
‘Hot, baby, very hot.’
‘Hey, pretty, I have a favour to ask of you and it has nothing to do with my bladder.’
‘Haha, damn! ... Shoot!’
‘Don’t die.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘I don’t want you to die on me, ever. Just don’t. It would make my life a lot easier.’
‘Okay, I won’t.’
‘Thanks pretty, I love you.’
‘The feeling is mutual.’