by Bart King
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[9] This show was really funny. At one point, Robin hangs from a rope by his teeth. After letting go, he cries out, “Holy molars!” Batman replies, “True. You owe your life to good dental hygiene.” Oh, and everything in the Batcave had a big label on it. For instance, trapdoors and poles had signs reading “Trapdoor” and “Batpole.” (And what a theme song: “Batman! Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, Batman!”)
Superhero Training!
Hang on—I just got a message from a reader: “Hey, none of your ways of becoming a superhero worked for me.”
What? Impossible! Listen, are you sure you’re trying hard enough to get hit by lightning?
Okay, okay, I believe you. Sadly, it looks like you have to get your abilities the old-fashioned way. You’ll have to earn them! Fighting crime is more dangerous for superheroes like you, because you don’t actually have superpowers. But the good thing is that other superheroes will respect you more for this. As Superman said of Batman, “If I were an ordinary man [like him], would I show such valor?”
So it looks like we have a lot of work to do! But before starting your training, let’s warm up with an easy activity.
Superpower Activity
Superagility Challenge!
Supplies: Foam balls, a yard. Optional: Stopwatch.
Want to impress your friends with your agility superpowers? Here’s what you do:
If you have a costume, put it on.
Go into the yard and arm each friend with two to five foam balls. (The more friends, the fewer balls each should get.)
Now have them take up stations at the edge of the yard. It’s up to you if you want them all on one side or spread all around the edges.
Now move to the middle of the yard, bow, and challenge them to try to hit you with a ball. The catch is that they can’t retrieve the balls for multiple throws. As the foam balls come at you, start somersaulting, leaping, climbing, and hopping out of the way.
For a competition, time how long you can last. Then offer to switch places with one of your friends!
Shazam! Do you know what position young Bruce Wayne played on his Little League Baseball team? Batboy.
Okay, you’re almost ready to learn about hand-to-hand combat. And foot-to-hand combat. We’re even going to cover foot-to-butt combat. (Seriously!) And all of these are going to be useful. See, even if you know just one martial art—like judo—it can help you to defeat a larger opponent. But being good at several martial arts makes you truly mighty. Like Batman! He’s an expert in over 120 fighting styles.[10]
Not only that, but Batman’s a really good athlete. It’s been said that if Batman entered the Olympics, he could win a gold, silver, or bronze in any event. Yep, the Dark Knight would get medals in sports as brutal as badminton, racewalking, and Ping-Pong.
How Much? All the lessons and gadgets you’ll need to become a superhero like Batman are expensive. Based on my figures, it’ll be around $800,000. But guess what? You can save a lot of money if you don’t hire a butler!
Of course, being a natural athlete isn’t enough. So Batman is constantly in training! To be a good crime-fighter, he needs good endurance. And he also has to be strong, quick, and agile. So Batman’s workout schedule might look like this:
That’s one tough schedule—I mean, Wednesday alone is killer. See, to learn a single martial arts move, a student has to practice a lot. Some karate masters say it takes three thousand practices to master one move.
But Batman knows dozens of different martial arts. So if he’s practiced every move in every fighting style at least three thousand times, that’s like...a trillion practice moves!
Wow. And Batman has to keep practicing. Because if you don’t use your fighting skills, they start to weaken. It’s like boiling water—if you don’t keep adding heat, the water cools off right away.
There are so many different kinds of martial arts, it can be confusing to know where to begin. But here’s one good choice: About three hundred years ago, a Chinese woman named Ng Mui got tired of all the robbers in her village. So Ng Mui invented a new and awesome style of kung fu. Then she taught her invention to another woman named Yim Wing-Chun. She perfected this new martial art until it became the most famous type of kung fu ever: Wing Chun style!
Now this will seem off topic, but trust me: Batman dresses like a giant bat to scare criminals. As he says, “Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot.” So Batman uses that to frighten the bad guys.
And that’s why my favorite martial art is called t’ai chi ch’uan. This means “supreme ultimate fist.” Awesome! Just imagine the impression you can make with that.
Batman—Not a Very Good Role Model?
It turns out that Batman has killed a number of bad guys over the years. In one early story, he even knocks a bad guy into a container of acid and says, “A fitting end for his kind.”
That’s cold!
And that’s not the only time Batman’s been naughty. For example, once he shot a criminal with a machine gun and said, “Much as I hate to take human life, I’m afraid this time it’s necessary.”
Ha! That’s such a good line you should use it the next time an evildoer annoys you.
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[10] That really is pretty good—heck, I only know eighty-three.
Fighting Like a Superhero!
Have you ever seen a superhero movie with no fighting?
What a rip-off! I mean, come on. Fighting is one of the coolest things about being a superhero. However, as one of the good guys or girls, you want to avoid fighting if possible. So before going into battle with a troublesome supervillain, try talking him out of it.
(Of course, you’re secretly hoping that this won’t work.)
To learn more about superhero self-defense, real scientists visited real school playgrounds. (Really!) There they watched little kids pretending to be superheroes. The scientists saw there were lots of “good guys” and “bad guys” fighting each other with crazy kung fu moves and imaginary weapons.
And everyone was making sound effects:
“Pow! Zowie! Smash!”
“Bang! Whoosh! Kapowie!”
“Snap! Crackle! Crunch!”
But amazingly, not one of the little kids was a real superhero. (What a bunch of pint-sized posers.) But still, these kids were really good at play-fighting. And play-fighting is awesome! Not only is it good exercise, but play-fighting also teaches you to make quick decisions. It can even get you thinking about important superhero stuff. You know, like fairness, cooperation, and who you should hit next with your foam noodle.
Sadly, there’ll be times when you’re play-fighting and a responsible adult comes along and breaks it up. Sheesh! Can’t the adult see you’re trying to save the world?
Adult: Hey, let’s stop before someone gets hurt.
Kid 1: It’s OK! Roughhousing is good exercise and helps us blow off steam.
Adult (confused): You’re powered by steam?
Kid 2: Yes. It’s our superpower.
So follow these simple rules of safe fighting. That way, adults won’t meddle and you (probably) won’t get hurt!
For Beginners: The Seven Rules of Superhero Battles!
Avoid play-fighting near sharp edges and breakable stuff. Instead, brawl on soft surfaces, like shag carpets, lawns, or the sands of Mars. Best of all—yoga mats or mattresses!
Fake punching and kicking is good. Just be careful—and avoid “accidentally” hitting above the shoulders or below the belt. Also, no choking or jumping onto your opponent.
You can’t win all the time! That isn’t fun for anyone.
Stop as soon as someone says “Stop.”
If you’re not hearing laughter during a battle, stop. (It should be fun!)
If you accidentally hurt someone, stop right away and apologize.
If you accidentally get hurt, stop—and try to forgive the other person.
Idle threats and trash-talking are encouraged. Example: “After I hit you
with my Rip Van Winkle punch, you’re going to wake up in twenty years wondering what happened!”
The more you know, the less you don’t! You may know that one of Captain America’s archenemies is named MODOK. But did you know his name stands for “Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing”? Wow, MODOK sounds like he’d be a lot of fun to play-fight!
Special Note: Battling Small Opponents
Here’s something I’ve always wondered about: since Thor is a god, why doesn’t he just crush every foe? The Thunder God explains it this way: “[I] withhold my full might. ’Twas a gradual thing...[I’ve] mostly met human menaces. To avoid the murder of these men...I came to act as less than I am.”
So that means Thor holds back when he fights! And there’s a time when you should let Thor be your role model. It’s when you have to battle a super-rugrat. (You know, a little kid superhero?)
It’s just not cool to try too hard against little kids. I know it goes against your nature, but you should let the half-pints win. After all, nothing’s more thrilling for a little superhero than beating a big superhero.
As for you, nothing is better than the feeling you’ll get for doing the right thing. Sure, you technically “lost.” But with your good sportsmanship, you actually won![11]
Danger! Battling several small opponents: Taking on a whole roomful of little rugrats presents a big problem. Your instinct will be to pick one up to use as a club. Or perhaps you’ll be tempted to sweep the room with your Destructo-Ray™.
Don’t do it! Sure, those tiny villains are asking for it. But you still need to deal with them gently. You also need to be careful. Just because you don’t want to hurt them doesn’t mean they’re not going to hurt you!
So try to employ pillows and other soft items for your defense. These will come in handy as the pint-size hordes try to overwhelm you with sheer numbers. (Pro Tip: Separate one preschooler from the horde and use as a human shield.)
Finally, don’t ever plead for mercy. Little kids see this as a sign of weakness, and they will only attack with twice the ferocity. (For more on dealing with rugrats, see the Rugrats chapter.)
More Special-er Note: Weapons!
Feel free to fight using any weapon you want—so long as it’s a foam noodle or pillow. I know, this seems cheap. But you can still choose from a wide variety! For instance, pillow expert Daniel H. Wilson suggests using different pillows for different fights.
Is your opponent smaller than you? Then grab the biggest couch cushions you can find and throw them on top of the little villain. After that, you might just “accidentally” fall on the pillows, preventing any escapes.
If you are fighting a large, aggressive villain, find a square pillow. This will give you a shield to defend yourself with. And for full-out pillow wars, arm yourself with a lumpy bedroom pillow. Just reach in the pillowcase and fold the pillow in half. Now grab the opening of the pillowcase and prepare for battle with your lumpy pillow club.
Pro Tip: Did you know that little pillows are called throw pillows? Enough said!
Intermediate Super Stunt Fighting!
Hollywood stuntpeople are experts at fighting without actually hitting anyone. How do the stuntpeople do this? They pretend! After all, a little fake violence never hurt anybody. In stunts, the rule is that the person who is hitting is in charge of the safety of the person being hit.
And now that’s your rule, too! So if you’re the hitter, don’t fake-punch or fake-kick any harder than you would mind being accidentally hit yourself.
If you’re getting hit, be sure to overdo your reaction. Make your fake fight seem real by reacting dramatically. That means good facial expressions and sound effects. And be sure to exaggerate your falls and crashes.
One way to start is by practicing some moves with your opponent in slow motion. And then speed it up! Here’s what I mean—
Superpower Activity
Super-Kung Fu Disco Fight!
Supplies: Three or more players; a stereo or boom box.
Put on some of your favorite dance music. Turn it up loud.
Now begin a slow-motion kung fu fight with the other players. Remember, this is stunt fighting. So you can never actually make contact with each other. Still, now’s the time to break out any kick, chop, or body blow you want!
As the song continues, feel free to speed up the action. In fact, you may end up fight-dancing at superfast speed, which is also pretty funny.
Remember, the key to good stunt fighting is exaggerating and overacting. Have you ever pretended to slap someone by swinging your hand at his face and then clapping it against your other palm? (This makes the slap sound without the slap pain.) Your opponent pretends to really be slapped by reeling backwards and clutching their face in fake pain.
You can do this with punches, too. First, swing your fist at your opponent. Then when your punch “hits” (remember, no contact!), pound on your chest with your other fist to add the sound effect. (Or just have your opponent pound on their chest when the punch lands!)
Another key to a good stunt fight is to play along with each other. For example, let’s say you, the superhero, turn your back on your opponent.
“I’m a peace-loving person,” you nobly say. “And you’re just not worth it.”
Your evil rival then plays along by sneaking up on you from behind. To make it obvious, your rival might even say, “The fool! Now I will sneak up from behind.”
This gives you the chance to do something like a fake mule kick (where you kick backwards, like a mule!).
Three Good Stunt Fighting Moves
The Knee Kick: With your two hands, (gently!) pull your opponent’s shoulders down so that you can do a fake knee kick to the head. (Your arms will block the audience’s view.) This gives your rival a chance at some awesome overacting.
The Hook: A hook is a short, swinging punch that you make with the elbow bent. These are easy for your rival to pretend to get hit by, without it being obvious that there’s no contact.
The Head Butt: Holding your rival’s noggin, bring your head forward and pretend to smash your forehead into your opponent’s. To avoid accidents, try holding your hands over your opponent’s face. Then, if you accidentally make contact, you only head-butt your hands!
First Aid: Even with careful stunt fighting, you may accidentally hit someone with a deathblow. Don’t worry—that’s why you learned first aid and CPR. (Wait, you did learn these, didn’t you?)
Superpower Activity
How to Take a Punch!
Supplies: An opponent, alertness.
If you’re really careful, you’ll avoid ever being hurt in a fake fight. But one day your opponent may accidentally launch a real punch. So be prepared!
Don’t Tense Up! When a fist is headed at you, your natural reaction is to tighten up. Don’t do that!
Go with the Blow. Try to relax and go with the punch as it’s headed for you.
Exit Through the Revolving Door. Turn away from your attacker at a 45-degree angle. This lessens the force of the blow. And if you imagine you’re pushing through a revolving door, you can keep on turning with the blow—and then come right back at your enemy!
Firsthand First Aid: If you accidentally get hit by a deathblow, and your foe doesn’t know CPR, no problem. Just give yourself mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Advanced Superhero Battling!
Sure, brawling with real supervillains sounds fun. But unless your power is invincibility, you can get hurt doing it. The best comparison is with mixed martial arts. Did you know that two out of three MMA fights result in an injury to one or both fighters? And that’s with a referee there to enforce the rules!
But supervillains fight without rules or refs. How dangerous! So when push comes to shove, let’s be careful out there.
Where to Attack a Supervillain
Cape Stomp
If your opponent is wearing a cape, he deserves everything he gets. (Didn’t he pay any attention to The Incredibles?) So when you get a chance,
close a window or door on that cape without him noticing. Then flick the villain’s ear. As you run off, he will chase you—only to be yanked backwards by his stuck cape!
Shazam! My barber totally doesn’t get it. Every time I go in, he puts my cape on backwards.
And if you’re really lucky, the villain will have a cape long enough for you to step on. This will allow you to do this:
Invisible Butt-Kicking
One odd thing about superhero fights is that there is often a lot of talk about butt-kicking—but no one ever actually gets kicked in the butt!
To solve this problem, try the invisible butt-kick. The key is to lull your victim into feeling safe. Do this by walking next to the supervillain (or your best friend; either way) and chatting in a friendly fashion.
Now you’re ready to strike!
As you’re walking, you’ll use the leg that’s on the far side from your victim.
Walk normally, but kick back slightly with that leg.
