by Bart King
Can you stand? Good. Take a step forward. Still okay?
(For advanced superheroes only!) Now tie the slackline one hundred feet or so off the ground. Practice running back and forth on the slackline. Finally, have your sidekicks attack you from either end of the slackline.
Impress a Superior Life Form
Try to persuade a powerful alien or demigod that you are worthy. If you’re lucky, it might just give you a fantastic superpower!
Be a Handsome, Genius Millionaire
Just ask Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne for a loan.
Grow Up on a Planet with Weak Gravity
A scientist learns that his planet is doomed. Doomed! And everyone who lives there will die. Die!
To save his baby son, this scientist puts the tyke in a rocket ship and sends it into outer space. This rocket lands on a faraway planet called Earth. And there, the alien baby gets adopted by a couple named the Kents. Kents!
Okay, okay, I’ll stop doing that. The Kents call their new child Clark, and he’s superstrong. That’s because Clark Kent’s home planet (Krypton) had gravity fifteen times stronger than Earth’s. So that makes Clark superstrong under Earth’s weak gravity.
Heavy! If Superman were back on Krypton, he’d weigh 3,300 pounds.
And that’s a big reason why Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound. (Which is totally showing off, when he could easily just walk around them.)
Later on, Clark also got superhearing, superbreath, heat vision, and the power to fly. Why? Hey, maybe when you get to a planet with weak gravity, you’ll figure it out. Your best bet is Mars. If you weigh one hundred pounds on Earth, you’d only be thirty-eight pounds on Mars. (Mars!)
Get Bitten by Something Magical or Radioactive
If you’re brave enough to let a creature sink its fangs into you, this might be the quickest way to superhero-dom. For example, high school student Peter Parker went to a physics lab demonstration on radiation. Naturally, he got bitten by a radioactive spider. Because of this bite, Peter gained the strength and agility of a spider.
But just think—with one slight change in the story, everything would have turned out differently.
You did what?! In 1973, Spider-Man accidentally killed his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy. And it really was an accident. See, Stan Lee (the head of Marvel Comics) was going on vacation. Before leaving, he told Spider-Man’s writer to continue the story “any way you want to.” And when Lee returned home, he was shocked to learn Stacy was now dead!
Spidey Strength Is Totally Overrated
Guess what? In real life, spiders are not very strong for their size. They are totally unlike ants, which are really powerful for being so small. So if you ever got “spider-strength,” you might not even notice the difference!
A spider’s true superpowers are its venom and its web. So Peter Parker was smart to invent a way to shoot webs from his wrists. (It was a much better idea than shooting webs out of his butt, like a real spider.)
One Boring Cartoon: The 1994 Spider-Man cartoon series had lots of rules that its makers had to follow. These rules included no breaking glass, no punching, no fires, no gunshots, and no harm could come to any pigeons. (Really!)
The word “dead” was also outlawed. So when a villain Spider-Man thought was dead shows up, the superhero says, “You? But I thought you were—” The bad guy retorts, “I’m not...but you’ll soon be!”
Go Hiking!
How well do you know your neighborhood? Are there any nearby caves or mountains? If so, explore them. After all, there might be a helpful spirit, Jedi Knight, or wise old person there who can school you in the ways of superheroes.
Stand Near Chemicals During a Lightning Storm
Police scientist Barry Allen was in a chemical storeroom watching a lightning storm outside the window when—crack—a bolt of lightning struck him!
The lightning shattered the chemical containers. So Barry got electrocuted and soaked with a variety of unpleasant substances. But instead of dying a quick death, Barry dusted himself off and found that he was now really, really, really fast. So he got himself a costume and called himself the Flash.[8]
You might think this could never happen again. After all, lightning never strikes superheroes twice in the same place. But think again! Later on, a kid named Wally West also got hit by lightning in a chemical storeroom. And amazingly, Wally also got superspeed.
As the Flash said, it was “the most utterly unthinkable, scientifically absurd coincidence...in the billion-to-one category.”
Yep!
Shazam! Hey, you know the cool thing about superhero jokes? They always have a strong punchline.
The Flash sprints around at the speed of sound. So he should be constantly eating to keep up his energy. But luckily, the Flash can eat his food superfast too! And you wouldn’t believe how fast he poops. (The Flash can bust a grumpy in the time it takes you to blink your eyes—and hold your nose!)
Radiation, Radiation, Radiation
There are lots of superheroes who get their powers from radiation. For example, radiation rays from an exploding “gamma bomb” turned Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk.
But it’s very dangerous stuff. Although radiation gave Matt Murdock the “radar sense” that allowed him to become Daredevil, it also made him go blind. So instead of radiation, try these healthy options:
Get “Hulk juice” by making green lemon-lime punch. Drink some. Notice anything?
Sit in the front row for as many 3-D films as possible. I don’t know what effect those mysterious “3-D rays” will have on you, but I’m sure something will happen.
Get Executed?!
Criminal mastermind Dan Watkins was sentenced to death for being very bad. But when Dan was put in the electric chair, its powerful electric currents didn’t kill him. Instead, it gave him the powers of an electric chair!
Yes, I am shocked at how silly this is. Anyway, that’s why Dan Watkins gave up his life of crime and became the superhero Electroman.
Find Something Cool
You never know when you might find some spare change or a magic alien artifact. For example, Alan Scott discovered a magical green lantern at a train wreck. The next thing Alan knew, the lantern was talking to him. And then it helped him become the Green Lantern!
As you know, the Green Lantern is an intergalactic cop. And there are more than 7,000 other Green Lanterns across the galaxy. These cops make up the Green Lantern Corps. They include Ch’p (who looks like a chipmunk), Galius Zed (a giant head), and Bzzd (who’s the size of a bee).
Superpower Activity
Losing Your Superpowers!
Supplies: Any soft ball (tennis balls work fine).
Hey, just as there are many ways to get a superpower, there are also many ways to lose one. Although losing superpowers is usually tragic, let’s play a game that makes it fun!
First, two superheroes stand between ten and twenty feet apart. Begin throwing the ball quickly back and forth between yourselves.
The throws should be accurate enough that you can catch the ball without moving your feet. If one of you drops a thrown ball (without moving your feet!), then you lose a superpower. That means the game continues...but the person who dropped a ball has to kneel on one knee!
Here’s the order of superpower loss each time you drop a ball:
First dropped ball: One knee.
Second: Kneel on two knees.
Third: Two knees, one elbow.
Fourth: Two knees, two elbows.
Fifth: Chin!
Sixth: All superpowers have been lost. L
Maybe Being Normal Isn’t So Bad? The superhero called the Whizzer got his superpowers by being injected with mongoose blood. Blech!
Have a Regular Laboratory Accident
Oops! I dropped a vial.
Eek! I combined the wrong chemicals.
It turns out that saying “oops” and “eek” in a lab is a good way to get superpowers. Take Bob Benton. One moment this pharmacist
was experimenting with different gasses. The next thing he knew he was transformed into the superhero named the Black Terror.
Later the Black Terror got a young sidekick named Tim. Yep, that was his whole superhero name: Tim! The Black Terror and Tim fought crime as the Terror Twins. And best of all, the Black Terror sometimes traveled to his crime scenes by bicycle.
Now that’s a superhero.
Did It Work?
I’m almost certain that you have superpowers now. So congratulations!
But here’s a warning. Naturally, you’ll want to start helping the police right away. But history shows this can lead to trouble. Instead of being your partner, the police will ask lots of questions, like:
“So you have superpowers, huh? Do you also have imaginary friends?”
“Why are you wearing red underwear on the outside of your clothes?”
“Who gave you this Big Book of Superheroes? Do you know where we can get a copy?”
“Where are your parents? Seriously. We want to talk to them.”
Hey, that reminds me. You have something serious to do—go to the next chapter!
* * *
[6] Kidding! (Actually, the Whizzer’s superpower is superspeed.)
[7] Answer: True! Batman was depressed about not being able to lift a six-hundred-pound boulder off of a kid. So he wanted to get stronger—but using steroids turned out to be a really bat bad idea.
[8] The Flash was the first superhero to get his superpowers by accident. Thousands more would follow!
Letting Your Parents Know!
One of your greatest challenges will be telling your mom and dad about your new powers. Sure, you could try to keep your identity a secret from them. But don’t you think your parents will get suspicious when they see your superhero costume in the laundry?
The key is to break the news gently. Try something like this:
You (serious): Mom, Dad, please sit down. I have something I need to tell you.
Mom (concerned): What is it, honey?
You: This is hard for me to say—but I’m different from the other kids.
Dad: We’ll always love you for who you are. But how are you different?
You: Well, I don’t like pizza very much. Also, I can fly.
Dad: Ha! You had me all worked up! It’s fine if you don’t like pizza.
Mom: Wait—what was that other thing?
One way to make this easier is to think of your parents as older, bossy sidekicks. And after all, it’s not like the members of your family don’t have their own superpowers.
Fantastic Family: They bicker, they joke, they eat casserole together. Yes, the Fantastic Four are more like a family than a team of superheroes. (Plus, Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Girl really do act like the parents of the Thing and the Human Torch.)
Of course, it’s normal for parents to worry about their children. And it’s important for you to make your mom and dad feel like they’re part of your superteam. So to get them on board, please hand this book to your parents right now.
The Top six Tips for the Parents of a Superhero!
Hello! Learning your child is a superhero can be exciting and confusing. But these rules will help your family get through it with flying colors.
No superpowers on school nights. Or, limit your child’s superactivities to one hour a day.
All the same household rules still apply. After fighting crime, it’s important that your child feels safe at home. So keep your family’s routines the same. That means that homework still needs to be done on time. And be sure your flying hero knows that being grounded means he’s not cleared for takeoff!
Self-control. With superpowered strength and speed, your child might break a lot of furniture. But remember when he was a noisy toddler? You taught him to use a quiet “indoor voice.” So now it’s time for a new talk about “indoor powers.”
Be sensitive. Growing up can be hard for any kid. Adding in superpowers makes it extra-difficult. So if your child doesn’t want to fight crime when acne is acting up, be understanding.
Enjoy the benefits!
Father: Son, with your superstrength you can do five times as many chores around the house.
Super Kid: What?!
Your secret weapon. Remember, you have a superpower, too. You know your child’s Achilles’ heel!
Thank you for your attention. Now please return this book to your superpowered child.
Getting Around
Hey, you just got an urgent super–text message—it looks like you have to get to a crime scene, pronto! But if you can’t ride your bike at the speed of sound, you face a harsh question: “How do I get there?”
This is why your parents are so valuable. For instance, maybe your dad can drive you in the minivan. I know, that doesn’t seem very super. But if you get sick of asking for rides from your parents, you can dream of getting something like the Supermobile.
This was a minijet that Superman built out of Supermanium, a metal as powerful as Superman himself. And the Supermobile had lots of cool features. For example, it was eco-friendly, because the jet was powered by Superman himself. And the jet had two giant fists, attached to metal tentacles. So that way, Superman could fly around and punch supervillains. (I wish I were joking.)
Of course, you might wonder why Superman needed to fly in a jet that had the exact same powers as him. But don’t! Because right now, you need to focus on family time.
Superheroes on the Silver Screen!
Sharing time with your parents is a great way to keep your home life going smoothly. Plus, what could be more fun than watching movies together?
There’ve been gazillions of superhero movies over the years. (I’ve counted!) But until recently, their special effects just weren’t very good. For instance, in 1949, theaters showed a series of Batman and Robin adventures. Since there was no budget for a Batcave, Batman and Robin kept their costumes in a file cabinet.
The Batman of 1949 was pretty ruthless, though. At one point, he threw a criminal out of a tenth-story window. Then Batman turned to Robin and said, “He’s probably dead.”
Yeah, probably! (BTW, all the movies below are rated PG or PG-13.)
Four Surprisingly Decent Superhero Movies
4. The Rocketeer
3. Sky High
2. Chronicle
1. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
The Four Greatest Superhero TV Shows Ever!
4. Heroes (first season only)
3. Smallville
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (skip the first season)
1. Batman[9]
The Five Worst Superhero Movies Ever!
5. Daredevil is a blind superhero. So the tagline for the Daredevil movie was “Justice is blind.” (Gah!)
4. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is so dumb it shows Superman rebuilding the Great Wall of China with his X-ray vision. (What?!)
3. On one hand, Catwoman has terrible acting, awful special effects, and lines like, “Somebody killed me and I’ve got to find out who and why.” But on the other hand, it did give star Halle Berry a new nickname: “Halle Cat.”
2. I didn’t even watch all of Green Lantern. (Hey, I felt sick halfway through!) But I did hear this line: “I, Hal Jordan, do solemnly swear to pledge allegiance...to a lantern that I got from a dying purple alien in a swamp.”
1. How rotten was Batman and Robin? In one scene, Batman pulls out a credit card that reads, “Name: Batman; Expiration Date: Forever.” And when Entertainment Weekly ranked the worst movie sequels of all time, it was the worst-rated superhero movie. Batman and Robin was so bad, it almost killed all future Batman films!
The Eight Best Superhero Movies!
8. Megamind put an original spin on the usual superhero story line by asking, “What happens when superheroes and villains get tired of their jobs?”
7. X-Men and X-Men: First Class have great casting. (That means they found the right actors for the right roles.) Also, the films take the mutants seriously, and the specia
l effects are good!
6. Hellboy has an original story and lots of humor. Plus, it gets extra credit for the scene where Hellboy has to fight horrible monsters while protecting a box of kittens.
5. Spider-Man (2002) captured the spirit of the web slinger with jokes and a good love story. And its sequel—Spider-Man 2—had all that, plus Doctor Octopus.
4. Batman films come and go every few years. The best of them is Batman Begins, though some people thought its sequel—The Dark Knight—was even better.
3. Iron Man has a cocky, energetic hero who’s well played by Robert Downey Jr.
2. Unbreakable is so smart and original, it took me a while to figure out it even was a superhero movie.
1. The Incredibles is a charming, funny movie with a terrific story. Its jokes and characters make it a true superhero tale. If you don’t agree that this is the best superhero movie of all time, that’s perfectly okay. (But you are wrong!)
The tagline for The Incredibles was, “No gut, no glory.”
