The Big Book of Superheroes

by Bart King

  Magnetism: I don’t care what Magneto says, this power has many drawbacks. But at least toddlers would like you!

  Being Able to Turn to Stone: The character named Stone Boy can turn into a rock. And when he’s a rock, Stone Boy can’t move. Wow! There’s got to be lots of ways this superpower is useful.

  *thinking*

  Let me get back to you on that.

  Two Words— Poop Vision.

  Being Able to Change an Object’s Color: The hero known as Color Kid has the superability to alter the color of anything. So Color Kid can take an orange from the fruit bowl and turn it blue. Imagine that—you could eat a blue orange!

  Yippee.

  Having Supersmell: This superpower would make it easy to track down criminals. But wait—anything that stinks would be your kryptonite!

  I Have a Feeling This Is Silly: Greer Grant was just an average housewife. But after some experiments, Greer became the hero known as the Cat. And her superpowers included having really, really good “women’s intuition.”

  Seeing Just a Little Bit Into the Future: The character known as Ticktock could only see sixty seconds into the future. I’m guessing this would not be useful.

  Ticktock (putting bread in the toaster): Soon, I shall have...toast!

  Being Scratch Resistant and Dishwasher Safe: Raise your hand if you want this superpower!

  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  The Power to Scream So Loudly, Criminals Faint: This was the power of a superhero called Banshee. Talk about annoying! Even Banshee’s superhero friends didn’t like to fight crime with him.

  This.

  But for every superpower that seems good but is actually lame, there’s another power that seems lame but is actually awesome. And here’s one now!

  Underrated Superpower Activity

  The Superpower of...Oh, Just Read This!

  Supplies: Dog food, toilet.

  Some dry dog foods are made in the shapes of things like stars and dog bones. Get some of this dog food!

  Take a handful of the dog food and throw it in the toilet. (Just trust me!)

  The dry dog food will soak up water and start bloating and growing. So the pieces of kibble will turn into big brown stars and dog bones!

  That’s when you’re ready to call in a parent or other easily impressed adult.

  Adult (pointing in horror at the toilet): How did you do that?

  You: It’s a superpower!

  The Ten Most Underrated Superpowers!

  The Power to Turn “Creamy” Peanut Butter into “Chunky”: And the people rejoiced!

  Being Able to Wear a Fishbowl on Your Head: This could be handy for some situation I can’t think of right now.

  The Ability to Have Zero Unread E-mail Messages in Your In-Box: Never mind. This could never happen.

  Being Able to Embarrass Your Friends: How awesome would this be? Imagine a car pulling up in front of a crowded school. As your best friend gets out, you shoot “embarrassment beams” at his mom, who’s behind the wheel.

  Mom: I love you, honey! And don’t forget, you have ballet lessons after school today!

  Being Able to Understand Foreign Languages: When President Barack Obama was asked what superpower he wanted, this is the one he chose.

  The Ability to Walk on Your Hands: All you have to do is bend over, stick your fingers under the toes of your shoes, and start walking around. You’ll look so cool, I’m sure everyone will be impressed!

  Blowing a Gum Nose Bubble: Just chew some bubblegum for a while. Once it’s soft, you can stretch it out over your nose until you have a tight seal. Hold the gum’s edges down and blow.

  The Ability to Crush Internet Trolls: Can I have this one? Oh please, oh please?

  Having Farts That Never Stink: And the people really rejoiced!

  Being Sort of Invulnerable: Studies show that cussing helps people deal with pain. In other words, “bad” words can make the hurting go bye-bye! So how cool would it be if you were invulnerable because of your superpowered swearing?

  Death from the Sky!

  Say you were standing on the sidewalk at the bottom of the Empire State Building. Looking up, you see something small falling. Someone threw a dime off the top of the skyscraper. And it’s coming right at you. Then the coin hits you—BAM—right in the head!

  So, would you be dead? After all, that dime hurtled down for hundreds and hundreds of feet. Nope. It turns out that the fastest speed (or “terminal velocity”) of a falling dime is about thirty miles per hour. So that’s enough to hurt you, but not enough to make you cry. Plus, look on the bright side—you just made ten cents!

  Underrated Superpower Activity

  Sundowner!

  Supplies: The sun, your hand.

  Knowing when it’s going to get dark is very useful. For instance, it can help you get home by dinnertime, and also avoid vampires.

  So if it’s afternoon and you’re wondering how much daylight you have left, just find the sun. But don’t look at it! Instead, do this:

  Hold your right hand away from you, with the fingers pointing to the left. They should be straight and together. Now lift your hand up, with the palm facing you and your fingers straight out.

  Hold the top of your top finger just underneath the sun. Don’t look at the sun.

  Each finger width between the bottom of the sun and the horizon counts for fifteen minutes of sunlight. So if you have two fingers above the horizon, it’s thirty minutes till nightfall.

  If you have more than one hand’s worth of space between the bottom of the sun and the horizon (four fingers = two hours), just hold your left hand beneath your right. (That gives you another four fingers to calculate with!)

  The Most Underrated Superpower of All!

  “You don’t have to make a speech, big shot! We understand! We’ve gotta use that power to help mankind, right?”

  —The Thing

  As a superhero, you want to help others. The cool thing is that you get to decide who those “others” are! So if you’re an animal lover, you could walk your neighbor’s dog, volunteer at a local animal shelter, or donate money to nonprofits like the Humane Society.

  If your heart goes out to kids in the hospital, maybe you can donate your hair to a group like Locks of Love or Wigs for Kids. They make wigs for children who’ve lost their hair because of medical problems. Or you could also just go to the local children’s hospital and use your superpowers to brighten someone’s day!

  The point is that when you make the world a better place, you’re using the most underrated superpower of all.

  I know, it sounds cheesy. But guess what? It’s also true!

  Your Supername!

  Wow, I almost forgot something important. What are you going to call yourself? After all, having the right name can really help—or hurt—your superhero career.

  How should you pick a name? The obvious way is to combine your superpower with your gender; for example, Stinky Boy. But you can see the problem with that name. That’s right, the “Boy”!

  Names that indicate a person’s age, like Lightning Lad, Bouncing Boy, or Saturn Girl, are just silly. In a few years, Bouncing Boy will grow up. What then? Is he Bouncing Young Adult? What about down the line? Bouncing Geezer?

  Hmm. Actually, I kind of like the sound of that!

  Pop Quiz

  The Dopiest Name of All Time

  Iron Man’s assistant is Pepper Potts. Tough luck! But Pepper’s actual first name is...

  Paprika

  Virginia

  Ira

  (See answer below.[16])

  Or you could take the path blazed by the Human Torch. For a name like his, you just take the word human and put it in front of your superpower. Since “Human Torch” is taken, you might choose the Human Flashlight, Human Candle, or Human Nightlight. (That’ll impress the criminals!)

  Sparks off the Old Block: Burnout is a hero who’s sort of a minor-league Human Torch. And there’s another superhero named Pyroman. (Ye
s, he’s a good guy.)

  Four Names That Are So Bad, They’re Great!

  Back in the 1990s, there was a supervillain named Dreadlox. Know why she had that name?

  She had dreadlocks.

  Another personal favorite is the tiny superhero named Minimidget. How small was he? Let’s just say that he was small—even for a midget.

  And there’s another superhero who’s famous for his negative attitude: NoMan.

  And finally there’s Forearm. He’s a guy with four arms. So his name is Forearm. Get it? He has four arms.

  Using this logic, my superhero name should be Facepalm. (Because that’s what I’m doing right now!)

  The X-Men have one of the most popular superhero names ever. This led to imitation names like X-Calibre, X-Factor, X-Terminators, X-Force, X-O Manowar, and just plain old X.

  I always wondered what the X in X-Men stood for. Was it something cool or mysterious? It turns out that Professor X explained it to Jean Grey when they first met: “You possess an extra power that humans do not! That is why I call my students...X-Men, for ex-tra power!”

  Well, that was disappointing.

  But after extreme athletes started competing in the X Games, we hit a new low. That’s about when a superhero named Adam X the X-Treme showed up. Adam X wore a backwards baseball cap (like a skater!), had a goatee (like a skater!), and his superpower was the ability to electrify your blood (like a—wait a minute, what?).

  Hey, if a letter can be a superhero name, maybe I should be known as Brilliant B. The B stands for “Awesome”!

  As you can see, superhero names often copy something that’s already popular. For example, in 1938, a hero named the Green Hornet was famous. So someone invented a new superhero named the Blue Beetle. (See what they did there?)

  If you’re a scientific or magical hero, the title of “Doctor” is a good prescription. Who could disagree with the diagnosis of Doctor Voodoo, Doctor Strange, Doctor Mid-Nite, Doctor Fate, or Doc Savage?

  To get a mysterious name, try spelling a cool word backwards, like the hero known as El Carim (miracle backwards).

  Another possibility is to use the Captain America formula. Just take any military rank (captain, sergeant, major, colonel, etc.) and add the name of the state you live in. Examples: Captain California, Major Montana, Sergeant South Carolina, Private Pennsylvania, General Georgia, Admiral Alaska, etc.

  Did you know that there’ve been dozens of superheroes and villains with “Captain” in their names? (And I’m not even counting Cap’n Crunch.) Try to spot the “Captain” superhero who I made up below!

  Captain Carrot

  Captain Nazi

  Captain Science

  Captain Battle

  Captain Tootsie

  Captain Unstoppable

  Captain Everything

  Captain Fight

  Captain Storm

  Captain Caveman

  Captain Guts

  Captain Hero

  (Give up? See answer below.[17])

  Great Moments in Superhero Names

  You may be tempted to use a royal or noble title. But be careful. For some reason, “baron” only works for supervillains. There’s Baron Mordo, Baron Blood, Baron Gestapo, Baron Blitzkrieg, and the list goes on and on. (Other royal bad guys include Kingpin and Count Dracula.)

  So what’s the key to supername success? Try to be original. But more importantly, pick something catchy and easy to remember. Otherwise, you’ll go to all the trouble of saving the day, and this’ll happen.

  “We Couldn’t Think of Anything Better.” One famous superhero was introduced as a “being whom we shall call the Silver Surfer, for want of a better name!”

  The Worst One-Two Punch in History

  A man discovered he had explosive power in his fists. So he became the superhero known as the Human Bomb. And his sidekick had an even crazier name—Hustace Throckmorton!

  Don’t Be Too Obvious

  Putting your superpower in your supername doesn’t always work. For example, being able to fly is cool, but a superhero named Fly Girl sounds dopey. And don’t get me started on Awkwardman! (He tripped a lot. Really.)

  Silly or dramatic names can be good, but don’t get too cheesy. I mean, have you ever heard of the patriotic crime-fighting duo called Yank and Doodle? I think of them as “Yuck and Noodle”!

  But I feel sorriest for Matter-Eater Lad. Sure, being able to eat rocks or metals is sort of cool, but that name. And his official superhero logo is a tooth!

  A lot of superheroes just have one tough-sounding name. I like this because it keeps things simple. For example, there’s no need to add “Boy” or “Woman” to names like Zealot, Barricade, or Grifter.

  How about you? Any good ideas yet? Not so fast! Before you pick a name, I beg you not to make these...

  Three Fatal Name Mistakes!

  Substituting the letter y for vowels looks like you’re trying too hard. For example, Insygnia, Bloodwynd, or Kyd Flash. (I mean, a name like Willy Nilly is corny but usable. But Wylly Nylly? Nah!)

  Apostrophes usually show possession (example: Superman’s turtleneck) or the fact that a letter or letters are missing (isn’t = is not). So names like T’Challa (the Black Panther), the Shi’ar (from the X-Men), or J’onn J’onzz (the Martian Manhunter) are confusing!

  It’s a bad idea to smash together little-used letters like x, q, and z.

  Based on these three rules, I just came up with the worst superhero name ever: Qwyk’sand Wyndzbane!

  Still stuck? Fine, how about this. Try combining words from these two columns—and feel free to use a word from either column first. (Example: Kid Fancy-Pants.)

  Funky Person

  Literate Avenger

  Crimson Defender

  Fearless Protector

  Stellar Angel

  Epic Commando

  Wicked Awesome Ace

  Amazing Guardian

  Well-Dressed Thing

  Electro- Beast

  Emerald Titan

  Incredible Kid

  Masked Girl

  Radical Grrrl

  Dyna- Lass

  Hazard Woman

  Cool Lady

  Radioactive Goddess

  Killer Madam

  Fancy-Pants Mademoiselle

  Thunder Boy

  Competent Lad

  Black Man

  Rainbow Dude

  Sick Amigo

  Mega Gentleman

  Cosmic Fella

  OK Guy

  Phantom Bloke

  Unreal Hombre

  Impressive Chap

  That wasn’t so hard, was it? Of course, you don’t need a chart for a good superhero handle. You can bet that Iron Man’s enemy Obadiah Stane didn’t pick his awesome name from this. And neither did the mighty Afro Samurai. (Wow!)

  Your “Secret” Name

  Let’s not forget about the importance of your secret identity name. It’s probably your real name. But the question is, is your real name a good secret identity name? (For more on your secret identity, see here.)

  Here’s what I mean: “Bruce” was once a common name, as both Bruce Wayne and Bruce Banner can tell you. But not anymore—“Bruce” was recently ranked the 532nd most popular name for boy babies.

  So that makes “Bruce” stick out in today’s world—and that’s exactly what you don’t want! Your secret identity name should blend into the background. If you have a popular name like “Abigail” or “Aidan” or “Sophie” or “Skylar,” you’re in good shape.

  But “Clark” or “Lois”? Not so much. I mean, “Clark” is only the 616th most popular name for boys—and I’ve never met a “Lois” in my life. Hey, that reminds me! See if you can see what all these names have in common:

  Peter Parker

  Clark Kent

  Bruce Banner

  Sue Storm

  Reed Richards

  Do you see it? These names have first and last names that start with the same sound. This sort of thing happens a l
ot in superhero tales. For example, the Red Bee’s alter ego is Rick Raleigh. And when I watched the movie Unbreakable, I noticed a character named David Dunn. (And just guess who turns out to be a superhero?)

  Pop Quiz

  Test Your Learning!

  What pattern connects all of the following characters?

  Lex Luthor, Linda Lee, Lois Lane, Lightning Lad,

  Lori Lemaris, Lana Lang, Luma Lynai [18]

  Sometimes a superhero has an official name and a nickname. You know, like Superman is also known as the Man of Steel? And Robin was called the Boy Wonder. (Embarrassing!) Nicknames can be cool, but don’t let yours get too long. For example, the superhero called Mr. Terrific was nicknamed “The Human Dynamo Who Is Stumped By Nothing.” Wow.

  Hulk Make Joke! The Hulk likes to call Spider-Man “Bug-Man.” Ha! The Hulk also calls Nighthawk “Pointy Nose” and Doctor Strange “Dumb Magician.”

  Now match the superhero with the correct nickname (see answers below[19]):

  1. Captain America a. The Scarlet Speedster

  2. Daredevil b. Goldilocks