The Big Book of Superheroes

by Bart King

  Then later, Lex Luthor accidentally destroyed Lexor. (That’s not nice.)

  The “Opposite” Supervillain

  Sometimes a supervillain is the exact opposite of a superhero. Take the criminal who once fought against the Flash: Turtle Man! Because Turtle Man moved so slowly, the Flash just couldn’t turn or stop in time to stop him. The superhero would just go flying by.

  Bizarro World! After Lex Luthor shot a “duplicating ray” at Superman, it made an “opposite” copy of the Man of Steel—Bizarro Superman! Bizarro does everything in reverse, and lives on a cube-shaped planet called Htrae. (Spell it backwards!) People there are complimented for being ugly. Children are rewarded for being bad. And if you want to say “hello,” you say “goodbye”!

  The Superhero Supervillain

  If a villain has superpowers and wears a costume, then what’s the difference between him and a superhero? Not much! In fact, lots of superheroes got their starts as supervillains. Think of the Sub-Mariner, Rogue, the Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Mystique.

  But one supervillain is so awesome, he’s less like a superhero and more like a god. He is Galactus, a being with powers so mighty no one knows their limits! By the time he got to Earth, Galactus had already destroyed hundreds of worlds once inhabited by billions of intelligent aliens.

  And when Galactus showed up, he had a good speech prepared: “This planet shall sustain me until it has been drained of all elemental life. So speaks Galactus!”

  Wow. That’s the kind of line that you should use as much as possible.

  Kid Holding Burrito: This burrito will sustain me until it has been drained of all elemental life. So speaks the Burrito Kid!

  My Favorite Villain

  The Fantastic Four have fought many superhero supervillains. But their archenemy is Victor von Doom (a.k.a. Doctor Doom). The parents of this evil genius were the dreaded Werner von Doom and a woman named...Cynthia.

  Humph.

  At college, young Victor von Doom majored in “demonic studies” and “superscience.” And for his student project, he built a machine to contact dead people. Bad move! This machine exploded in von Doom’s face and left him with lots and lots of hideous scars.

  On top of that, von Doom got expelled from school, because using devices that talk with the dead were against the rules. (This is probably in your school handbook, too.)

  So even though he didn’t graduate from college, Victor called himself Doctor Doom. He started wearing a metal mask and suit. Then he set up shop in a castle named Doomstadt and got down to business. Evil business!

  Know Your Supervillain Motto!

  1. The Riddler a. “I’ll get you next time, Gadget...next time!”

  2. The Twiddler b. “Kneel before Zod!”

  3. Dr. Claw c. “Twiddle me this...”

  4. General Zod d. “I hunger!”

  5. Galactus e. “Riddle me this...”

  (See answers below.[29])

  Diabolical Dialogue!

  “Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it’s a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.”

  —Lex Luthor, Superman: The Movie

  Supervillains just can’t shut up. It’s their Achilles’ heel! This weakness for talking is called “monologuing.” (A monologue is a long speech by one person.) As noted in The Incredibles, evil geniuses love capturing superheroes and then explaining in great detail the hero’s lameness and the villain’s brilliance.

  Luckily, this provides the superhero with one last chance to escape. But it also means that villains get to say the best lines—and here’s the proof!

  “Trust and affection—emotions I find alien and repulsive.”—Nekra

  “I do know the difference between right and wrong. Whatever the Scorpion does is right!”—The Scorpion

  “You should thank me for killing you in so spectacular a setting.”—The Awesome Bravo

  “Why are those children leaning on wooden sticks?”—Queen Atomia (After being told they’re kids on crutches, Atomia says, “Bah! Why bother with weak people?”)

  “You can’t take it with you—so I’m takin’ it with me!” —Death-Man

  “I want exactly $49 million...and don’t give it to me all in pennies!”—Sinistro, Boy Fiend

  “We brought you back to life...just so we could kill you again!”—Baron Von Evilstein

  “I’ve never killed superheroes before. It should be fun!” —Manslaughter

  “Mirror, mirror, on the wall—who’s the smartest crook of all? Me!”—Mirror-Man

  “This man they call Batman...must be done away with. Perhaps we can contact him through the personal notice column in the daily newspaper.”—Dr. Karl Hellfern (a.k.a. “Doctor Death”)

  “Emus bina dopta trysili stuntlitha.”—Mumbles[30]

  “I love mass destruction! I bet I could be the best mass destructionist in the world.”—The Walrus

  “Farewell! You die as you lived—an idiot!”—Hell-Blazer

  “You have stood in the way of art. I shall kill you for that.” —Daddy Longlegs

  “If you’re going to conquer a whole planet, you might as well start someplace with a nice climate!”—The Space Bunny

  “Kill! Kill! Kill! No...don’t kill me! Not me!”—The Mask

  “Fee fie foe fum! Bite off your heads, one by one!” —Leviathan

  “I can restore the dead to life—I hope. But first I must kill you.”—Doctor Death

  “I abhor violence. Before I smother you to death with my enfolding clutch, I want you to know this truly grieves me.” —Elasto

  “Resistance is futile, maggot-scum.”—Firebolt

  “Since the instant of my birth, I have not taken a cleansing bath. Indeed, I’ve chemically increased my body odor...to slay.”—The Skunk

  * * *

  [23] If you must know, someone threw acid in his face.

  [24] The correct answer is E. (That’s because E comes at the end of LIFE!)

  [25] Answers: 1. b; 2. d; 3. a; 4. e; 5. c.

  [26] A synthezoid.

  [27] Here, I’ll give you a hint—it’s pronounced kel-tip-zix-um. (Seeya!)

  [28] Answers: 1. c; 2. e; 3. f; 4. a; 5. d; 6. b.

  [29] Answers: 1. e; 2. c; 3. a; 4. b; 5. d.

  [30] Translation: “He must have been a dope to try a silly stunt like that.”

  The Supervillain Halls of Shame and Fame!

  You almost have to admire some supervillains. After all, they can be pretty creative! Take the Prankster. He managed to get the legal rights to the entire alphabet. Yes, the Prankster owned the copyright to all twenty-six letters, from A to Z.

  That meant that anytime someone wrote something in books, newspapers, or magazines, the Prankster got money from it. For example, Clark Kent’s newspaper, the Daily Planet, had to pay the Prankster $2,000 a week!

  But for every clever criminal like the Prankster, there’s a very silly one that can make you wince.

  The Five Lamest Supervillains!

  5. Hey, guess what Polka-Dot Man’s costume was covered with? Yep, dots. And with “advanced technology,” Polka-Dot Man could use them as weapons. So small dots could be thrown like Frisbees. And Polka-Dot Man could use his big dots as flying saucers.

  4. Lisa Snart was just a professional figure skater until she turned to evil. Then she was known as the feared Golden Glider. What was her superpower? She was able to figure skate—on air.

  3. The Thing once battled a villain who wore “atomic boots.” These shoes gave the bad guy the power to kick holes in buildings. The supervillain’s name? Goody Two-Shoes!

  2. Kite-Man (real identity: Charles Brown) flies around in a big kite. (Okay, it’s a jet-powered hang glider, but still...) And then Kite-Man “shoots” deadly kites at people by blowing air behind them.

  Kite Man (singing): Let’s go fly a kite...up to the highest height...and then destroy...the world!

  1. Batman had
to deal with a criminal named Johnny Karaoke. He was an assassin who liked to sing karaoke. (Duh!) And as he sang, Johnny would pull a sword out of his microphone and kill his victim.

  (Hey, I wonder what he’d do for an encore?)

  The Best Supervillain Name Ever!

  About fifty thousand years ago, a meteor crashed to earth. Nearby, a primitive caveman slept. Bathed in the meteor’s radiation, this caveman became immortal—and really smart!

  After waking up, the primitive man realized he had all of eternity to goof around. So he did two things.

  He changed his name to Vandal Savage. (Yes!)

  He decided to take over the world. (Hey, everyone needs a hobby.)

  Over the years, Vandal Savage battled superheroes like the Flash and Green Lantern. But here’s what I never got: since Vandal Savage was immortal, why didn’t he just wait for the superheroes to die?

  The Five Best Supervillains!

  5. The Toyman wore a green bow tie. But that wasn’t his greatest crime! He was also an inventor who came up with lots of toy-based weapons, including:

  A hand buzzer with a poisoned needle in the center

  Exploding dolls

  A giant jack-in-the-box that would boost him up walls

  A flying pogo stick

  Amazingly, none of these ever stopped Superman.

  4. Gorilla Grodd is an evil genius who controls humans using mental telepathy. Plus, he’s a super-gorilla. How awesome is that? Grodd also gets a bonus score for appearing in stories like “In Grodd We Trust” and “The Apes of Wrath.”

  3. Killer Moth is a foe of Batman’s. This villain drives a car called the Mothmobile. He wears a helmet with antennae. His sidekicks are named Larva and Pupa. And when Killer Moth is at home in his Moth Mansion, he sits on a throne of melted wax!

  2. Ichabod Charles Earl Cream was known by his classmates as I.C.E. Cream. And he hated that nickname! So in science class, Ichabod became the Ice Cream Hater. His mission: to destroy all the ice cream in the world. It wasn’t until a superhero persuaded the Ice Cream Hater to try some ice cream that his reign of terror ended.

  1. The supervillain named Badman is unusual because he has a secret identity: Bruce Pain. (Get it?) Badman drives the Badmobile, which he parks in the Badcave. And his sidekick is named Robber. (Get it? Get it?)

  My Favorite Badman Quote: “A well-stocked library is very helpful in planning crimes!”

  Super Sidekicks!

  Sidekick: An assistant with less authority than his or her boss.

  Like many superheroes, you might think, “Sidekicks? Meh. Who needs ’em?”

  You do! It’s not so much that you need any help fighting crime. But even superheroes get lonely. It’s a solitary life, washing your costume by yourself and keeping your secret identity a secret. Look, we all need someone to talk to. And it’s even better if it’s someone who won’t talk back and can do the laundry!

  Sidekicks are also useful for public relations. As a superhero, it’s important that people like you. And a sidekick gives you someone that little kids can relate to. There’s just something about a sidekick that people love!

  Here’s what I mean. Sure, Sherlock Holmes is a genius. But normal people can’t relate to him. But pair off Holmes with the more ordinary Dr. Watson, and you’ve got a winner! And when Batman got started, he had a scary reputation as a “dark avenger.” Yet after getting Robin as a sidekick, Batman became a kindly father figure. Batman and Robin were just two buddies having fun and fighting crime. Yay!

  Four Things to Consider in Your Sidekick

  Trustworthiness: You want someone honest! Nothing is worse than a thieving sidekick who sideswipes things. (Pun!) Obedience is also important. Your sidekick needs to understand you’re not on a superpower trip. It’s just that he’s your second banana.

  And be sure your sidekick can keep a secret!

  You: And remember this above all: Don’t tell anybody my secret identity.

  Sidekick: Oops—I just posted it on Facebook. Hey, five people already “Like” it!

  You: Yay! And also? You’re fired.

  Age and Size: To avoid looking silly, make certain to pick someone younger, shorter, and/or thinner than you.

  Clothing: Never ever let your sidekick wear a cooler costume than yours.

  Superpowers: You must be more powerful than your sidekick. So if you have great superpowers, your sidekick’s powers can only be good. But if your superpowers are just okay, your sidekick’s powers should be weak.

  And it’s perfectly fine if your sidekick has no superpowers at all. For example, Superman’s sidekick is reporter Jimmy Olsen. And here’s a list of Jimmy Olsen’s superpowers:

  Red hair

  Freckles

  Annoying personality

  Not very impressive, is it? Anyway, if you have an applicant who passes these standards, he still has to survive...

  Superhero Activity

  The Sidekick Test

  Supplies: Yoga mat or thick rug, someone who wants to be your sidekick.

  Sidekicks don’t need superpowers. But they do need to be good team players with some coordination. And they also need to be able to work with you while showing strength and courage!

  Find a yoga mat or plush rug and lie on your back with your arms straight up.

  Your wannabe sidekick takes off their shoes. Then they plant their feet on either side of your hips, facing your feet. Bending forward at the waist, they grab your ankles.

  Now the tricky part! The sidekick needs to slowly raise one leg up and out. (It’s sort of like a side kick.) As they do this, grab their ankle with the hand on that side of your body.

  Once you can support your wannabe sidekick, they lift their other leg for you to grab and hold up. You’ll both need to tense your stomachs! If you can do this, the two of you will be making a shape like a rectangle. A super-rectangle!

  Note: It’s much harder to be in the sidekick’s position. *chuckle*

  Did your applicant pass the test? If so...

  It’s Hirin’ Time!

  The original Robin was a kid named Dick Grayson. His parents were high-wire performers until they were murdered. (Surprise!) But that Robin couldn’t stay a boy wonder forever. After Dick Grayson grew up, the job of Robin went to a series of kids. One of these Robins was killed by the Joker, and another ended up getting murdered by his own clone. (Bummer!)

  The lesson is that being a sidekick is dangerous. So before you make your new sidekick official, make sure that he or she completes and signs this form:

  Sidekick Accidental Injury/Death Waiver

  I, [your name here], have volunteered for the job of “Superhero Sidekick.” I realize that this will expose me to hazards such as falling out of buildings, being punched by supervillains, getting shot at with lasers, and wearing really tight underwear.

  I will not hold my superhero responsible for any injuries I get in the course of my sidekick duties. Furthermore, if I die, I will not whine about it. Finally, I do not have any allergies to spandex that I am aware of.

  Sidekick Signature: ______________________

  With No Power Comes Lots of Responsibility

  Congratulations on your new sidekick! Just think of him or her as a superintern. That means all of your chores now belong to your sidekick. And you don’t even have to pay them! Here’s just a few of the things your sidekick should be in charge of:

  Doing the laundry

  Managing your Twitter account

  Testifying in court

  Vacuuming the Secret Lair

  Sidenote

  Since sidekicks get stuck with lousy costumes and lots of chores, the least you can do is give yours a good name. Sadly, most superheroes don’t even do this much. For example, the original Human Torch had a sidekick named the Flaming Kid. That’s not bad, but I think he should’ve been called Side-Burn!

  Sadly, sidekick history is full of these naming tragedies. For example, the Flash had a sidekick named Kid Flash. But that’s
still better than the name that Amazing Man’s sidekick got: Tommy the Amazing Kid. Zzzzzz.

  The list goes on! Hydroman’s sidekick was Rainbow Boy. The Star-Spangled Kid was a superhero whose sidekick was Stripesy. And Cat-Man worked with an eleven-year-old girl named Kitten.[31]

  But my “Lame Name Award” goes to Daredevil. When this superhero first appeared, his sidekicks were four kids known as “the Little Wise Guys.” They were named Pee Wee, Jock, Scarecrow, and...Meatball!

  Sidekick FAQs

  Q. I’ve heard that superheroes always have to buy their sidekicks lunch. Is this true?

  A. Yes. (You should also treat them to a breakfast muffin once in a while.)

  Q. My sidekick wants her own sidekick. But is it even possible for me to have a side-sidekick?

  A. Ha ha! That question is a real sidesplitter.

  Q. What would happen if all the sidekicks got together and formed their own team?

  A. This already happened! The Teen Titans included sidekicks like Robin, Speedy, Wonder Girl, Kid Flash, and Aqualad.