Found in Understanding

by Debbie Zello

  “I’m from a small town near Philadelphia. My dad owns a gas and oil distribution company. I have five older sisters,” he said, watching my reaction.

  “Five sisters and you’re the baby?”

  “I’m told they wanted a boy and once they got me, they stopped.”

  “I wonder what the magic number would have been,” I asked.

  “I never asked them. My sisters spoiled me rotten. I love them to death. They’re all married and I have eleven nieces and nephews.”

  “What does your mom do?”

  “She was home raising six kids. That was a full time job and then some. We all played sports, scouts, church stuff and music lessons. She was running someone somewhere every minute of every day. She is the best mom ever,” he said, with a far off look.

  “I’d love to meet them.”

  “Good, we’ll go Saturday morning and come back Sunday night. I’ll call them to let them know that we’re coming. Be prepared for a loud group of people.”

  “Everyone will be there? They all live that close?”

  “Within a few miles of home. I’m the only one that got away. Much to my mother’s dismay. If she had her way, we would still live home even with in-laws and kids. I think they’re getting ready to sell the big house and move to something smaller. I want to stay there one more time before it’s gone.”

  “There’s no place like home. Even from across the country, I still think of the ranch as my safe place. I go there in my head when I need some peace.”

  “It’s a good thing we all have a place like that.”

  I worked longer on Thursday and Friday because Stacey was off on vacation. Saturday morning, we left early so we would arrive around lunchtime. Royce pulled in front of the most beautiful house I had ever seen. I knew I wasn’t a world traveler nor did I frequent rich people’s homes growing up, but this home was special.

  The circular driveway had flowers growing on both sides, with the exception of the front steps. A trellis covered in roses was against the left side of the front door. A large bay window was to the right. The house was a light grey in color with a red door.

  Royce held my hand as we walked up the five steps and walked in the front door. “Hey! Is anyone home?” Royce yelled.

  “We’re in the family room, sweetheart!” a woman’s voice said.

  “That’s my mom.” he said pulling me towards the back of the house. We walked through the kitchen and down two steps. We passed by a few more rooms with closed doors and then out to a spacious room with a stone fireplace. I saw several people sitting on couches and chairs talking amongst themselves. A handsome middle-aged man walked up to us and shook Royce’s hand vigorously.

  “How are you son? It’s good to have you home,” he said smiling.

  “It’s good to be home, Dad. This is Neomi. Neomi, this is my Dad.”

  “I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Kane. Thank you for having me in your home,” I said, offering my hand. He pulled my hand to him and wrapped me in his arms for a hug.

  “No formality here, Neomi. My name is Dad, Pops or Roy, take your pick.”

  “Dad it is, then,” I said smiling. A pretty woman with blond hair and Royce’s smile walked up behind us.

  “This is my mom, Janet. Mom this is Neomi, my girlfriend.” She too hugged me.

  “I’m glad to finally meet you, dear. Royce told us about you and then kept you all to himself,” she said happily.

  “He’s been very busy working on his dissertation,” I said, offering an explanation.

  “We don’t believe that for a minute. He didn’t want to expose you to the tribe before he was ready. Isn’t that right, little brother?” a woman said from the couch.

  Royce moved me forward and said, “My sisters, Rebecca, Marie, Janice, Linda, and Amanda.” He pointed as he introduced each one. “Where are the men and kids? Dad and I are horribly outnumbered as usual.”

  “We left them home. We didn’t want to overwhelm Neomi the first time we met her.” I think it was Rebecca that spoke.

  “Come and sit next to me Neomi. I have a lot to tell you about my favorite brother.” Rebecca took my arm to guided me to the seat next to her where she had been sitting. The look on Royce’s face was priceless. He clearly loved his sisters and they were the cross he bore at the same time. He threw his hands up and went to the kitchen with his parents.

  “Royce told us you were in his class. He said he spotted you right away and couldn’t take his eyes away from you,” Linda said.

  “He said you’re from California. It must be very different on the east coast. How did you like the snow?” Janice asked. My head was spinning. I couldn’t even answer one question before the next one was being asked. After a few minutes of being left alone with his sisters, Royce came back to rescue me from the Kane inquisition.

  “I’m taking Neomi to show her the garden and stuff,” he said, tugging my hand out the back door, listening to the collective protests of his sisters. “Sorry about them. They’re nosey and they like to mind my business.”

  “They love you.”

  “Yes, they do.”

  “So do I,” I whispered. He stopped walking and turned to face me.

  Cupping my face in his hands, he said softly, “You love me? Did you say you loved me?”

  “That’s what I said. I love you, Royce Kane,” I said sweetly.

  He looked up with his eyes closed. He brought his head back down and opened his eyes to look at me. “Say it again, please.”

  “I have fallen in love with you, Royce. I love you.” He lowered his head to me and kissed me with the gentlest of kisses. He let go of my face, wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me close.

  “I love you so much, Firelight. You’re my world.”

  We had lunch with his family and then he took me for a tour around his hometown. I saw his grammar school, middle school and high school. The field where he played soccer. His church and favorite hangout fast-food place. When we got back to his house, he brought in our overnight bags.

  “Where should I put these?” he asked his mother.

  “Well, your room, I guess,” she said. I felt my face blush.

  “Which room for Neomi?” he said, grinning. He’s enjoying this whole conversation, the stinker.

  “I didn’t want to assume, Royce,” his mother said, blushing too.

  “And yet you did, assume. We don’t live together, mom. Not yet anyway,” he said smiling at me. I made sure to look down. I didn’t know why I felt so guilty. I could see ‘I’ve been to second base’ written all over my face.

  We said our good-byes the next afternoon. We promised to come back before classes began. We drove away holding hands. “My family loves you. Not as much as I do, of course.”

  “Of course not, that would be ridiculous. They just met me. It takes at least a week to fall in love with me,” I said, giggling.

  Royce touched my cheek with his fingers. “No, it was less than a week. I’ve been in love with you from the first moment I saw you. From the first moment I thought about you.” What do you say to that? Nothing, I just couldn’t help but cry.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I loved my family and I loved being at the ranch. I wanted to see my sister get married. To stand next to her and be happy for her. At the same time, I didn’t want to leave Royce. My relationship with him was so new and exciting, I didn’t want to be apart for even a week.

  With only twelve weeks left before he defended his dissertation and published his book, taking a week off to come with me would be a hardship. So I sucked it up and decided to just deal with the separation as best as I could. It’s only a week, I kept telling myself.

  I was leaving on Wednesday. The Thursday night before we were sitting on my couch watching the TV and spending more time kissing than watching. I rested my cheek on his chest. “I think I want to hit a homerun,” I said softly.

  With his fingers on my chin, he raised my face to look at me. “What did you just say?”
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  My heart thudded in my chest at the look on his face. He was so gorgeous but with the sincere look he was giving me, I was stunned. “I want you to make love to me.”

  His thumb grazed my bottom lip. “I’m not saying no. I was just about to say goodnight and go home. I’m tired and you must be too. Our first time shouldn’t start out with us being tired. You have to be up for the early shift at work. I want you to think about this overnight. I’ll pick you up after work tomorrow. We’ll have lunch and talk. If you still want to play, we’ll have the whole weekend. Okay?”

  “I’ve given this a great deal of thought. But you’re right, we’ll have the entire weekend. I do love you,” I said kissing him.

  He got up from the couch pulling me with him. We walked to the door and he tugged me into his arms. “I love you, my beautiful, smart and sexy woman. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sleep well.”

  When I woke to my radio playing When You Say You Love Me by Josh Groban, I thought it was fitting to begin my day with a love song. I showered and dressed. On my walk to work I texted Royce. I knew he would still be sleeping but I wanted the first thing he’d see to be my text.

  Morning my handsome, smart and sexy soon-to-be-lover.

  I’ll be waiting for you. I haven’t changed my mind. I love you.

  Naturally, the morning dragged by. After the morning rush, I did some cleaning and restocking. When I checked my phone on my coffee break, Royce had replied to my earlier text.

  I almost combusted this morning. I want you so badly.

  I won’t be late. love you, so much.

  I’m sure I wore that ‘happy, sappy’ face that people in love have. But I didn’t care. Love is a wonderful thing and I thought of all of the sonnets, books and songs written about it and smiled. I might even be able to come up with one myself.

  It was a beautiful, warm and sunny day, so I knew Royce would pick me up on the bike. The last thing I did as I walked out the door of the shop was to braid my hair so it wouldn’t fly all over and get knotted-up. Royce always gave me his helmet to wear but my hair ended up in my mouth if it wasn’t braided.

  The street was relatively empty which was surprising. It was noon and usually a busy time with people going to lunch especially on a Friday. Royce was not around. I texted.

  Waiting! *taps foot on sidewalk*

  I knew if he was driving he wouldn’t even hear the text come in over the noise of his engine. I checked my phone and it was 12:05. He was never late. “Poor guy never stood a chance against a truck,” a man passing by said to his companion.

  I felt everything drain from me as the cool hand of dread crawled up my back. I made my legs move in the direction the man came from. I was muttering, “It’s not him. He’s just stuck in the traffic. It’s not him. He’s just stuck in the traffic. It can’t be him. He’s just stuck in the damn traffic.” The tears of fright and misery began to roll from my eyes.

  I made it to the corner and put my feet in the cross walk to cross. A man grabbed my arm and said, “Don’t cross against the light. These people will just as soon run you over. Are you okay, Miss?” I looked at him and shook my head.

  The light changed and I ran across the street. I continued to run the entire next block until I could see a large group of people standing on the sidewalk staring into the street. I slowed as I got near and pushed my way to the front of the crowd.

  The sleek, black bike was on its side in a puddle of fluid. A large yellow delivery truck was stopped near the bike. In front of the truck was a person under a blanket. An arm wasn’t quite completely under the blanket. I knew the tattoo that was on that arm.

  Everything that happened after that is part of my nightmares. I was sinking under water unable to breathe. It was hard to walk against the deluge. My lungs and chest hurt from the weight of the water. The bursting pain of despair clouded my brain. I was trying to fight through but I was being sucked under by the rip tide.

  I knelt down by his side and took his hand. It was warm and had drops of blood coming from scrapes on his knuckles. I used the hem of my shirt to wipe it away. I heard a voice in a tunnel saying, “You can’t be here. You have to go and wait on the sidewalk.”

  I laid my head on the blanket and said, “Please Royce, don’t go. Stay with me. We have things to do. You’re going to teach and write books. We’re going to be together. Please Royce, don’t go.”

  I felt a hand on my back and the voice said, “Do you know him, Miss?”

  “Can’t you do something for him? Where is the ambulance?” I said.

  “It’s too late…he’s gone. I’m very sorry. We tried CPR but it was already too late. He’s been declared.” the voice continued. “Do you know his family?”

  “Yes. He’s my boyfriend. Will you please leave me alone?”

  After they took their pictures, did their measurements and interviewed the witnesses, they made me move so they could take Royce in the ambulance. I had thrown up several times by then. Someone had recognized me and went back to get Paul. He spoke to the officers and took care of me. I couldn’t see, nor hear nor feel…anything.

  If I could just go back to last night and not let him go. I could have called out this morning and we could have made love all night. He would still be here if I had just done that.

  Paul brought me back to his house speaking softly. His words were lost to me even with me sitting right next to him. I’m blinded by my grief. He took me to a bed and laid me down. “Try and get some rest, Neomi. Do you have a doctor I can call to get you something?” Paul asked.

  “No. I don’t have anyone here but you.”

  “I’m going to make you some tea. Would you eat a sandwich for me?” he asked. I looked in his kind and sincere eyes.

  “I don’t care if I ever eat again.”

  “I’m calling my doctor,” he said walking out of the bedroom. I looked up at the ceiling and wept.

  Royce’s family arrived shortly after seven in the evening. They claimed his body at the morgue. I may never get over those seven words either.

  Paul had my cell and when they called, he answered it. He came into me and asked if I wanted to talk to his mother. I began sobbing again and couldn’t speak. I held my hand up and buried my head in the pillow.

  A few minutes later I felt the bed dip near me. Soft soothing hands gripped my shoulders. I raised my head to see Royce’s mom next to me. “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.” I wept.

  “No, darling. It was an accident. The man in the truck didn’t see Royce and turned right on a red light. If anyone is at fault, it’s him not you.”

  “He was coming to get me. He didn’t want to be late. It’s my fault.”

  “Sweet girl, he loved you. He would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. I won’t let you blame yourself for this,” she said smoothing my hair. “Do you want to stay here or come to the hotel with us?”

  They insisted that I come with them. I was comforted and consoled by the people who had just lost their son and brother.

  I listened to them calling relatives and breaking the news that was breaking their hearts. I watched as they hugged each other and me, our eyes equally red from crying.

  They made the arrangements for Royce’s wake and funeral including me in everything even though I could barely understand what was being said. I felt like a zombie, alive on the outside but dead on the inside.

  Somehow, Royce’s sister Rebecca remembered Dove’s wedding was next Saturday. She changed my flight from New York to Philadelphia, then from Wednesday to Friday. They took care of me because I was unable to take care of myself.

  Royce’s dad had been given a bag with Royce’s wallet and other items. In it was a jewelry box. He brought it to me. “The police found this on Royce. He must have bought it for you.”

  “Thank you.” I said taking the box from him. I watched him walk out as I held the box. Ever so slowly, I opened it. Inside was a small silver key on an elegant, filigree chain. I took it out and it turned in my hand.
On the back was an inscription.

  The Key To My Heart

  Chapter Sixteen

  I rode back to Pennsylvania with Royce’s parents. Thankfully, no one felt like talking. At least I didn’t have to try to keep up with a conversation. I was having trouble focusing on anything. Eating had become a necessary chore, as did speaking. I showered because I couldn’t stand not to and it gave me a place to cry, alone.

  I went through the motions of nodding my head to people that stopped by the house to bring food and condolences. I watched the youngest of Royce’s nieces and nephews play around me seemingly unaffected by the cadence of hushed tones discussing caskets and vaults around them.

  Keep breathing in and out.

  The wake was on a steamy, humid night. The air hung like a grey curtain around me. The funeral home was filled with flowers. The smell would have usually delighted me but this just added to my nausea.

  One of Royce’s very good friends, Ray, held me up through the whole evening. He brought me water and gave me tissues. He held my elbow when I wobbled on my feet. He whispered in my ear how well I was doing. Between his comforting words and my hand on my hip picturing my safe place, I made it through the ordeal.

  Royce wore a black suit with a black shirt and an ocean-blue tie that would have matched his eyes perfectly. They had gelled and spiked his hair exactly as it was the first day I saw him. The difference being his eyes were closed and he had no smile.

  The next morning, we got to the funeral home early so we could have a few moments before everyone arrived for the procession to the church. After his family had their time with him, I stepped forward. I leaned down to whisper to him.

  “I love you, Royce. I always will. We didn’t finish what we started. You left so quickly, Royce. I wish you’d come back to me.” I felt his spiky hair and smoothed his tie. I kissed his cold forehead one last time.

  I got off the plane and walked right into Sky’s arms. I said nothing and neither did he. He just held me. After several minutes of crying on his chest, I backed away and said, “How did you do it?”