Found in Understanding

by Debbie Zello

  The jingle from his coins and keys mashing together in his pocket had me staring again. Men’s pants are noisy, once more, this was new information. He stepped out of the legs and folded them in half tossing the jeans on the chair behind him. His black boxer-briefs left nothing to my imagination. He was definitely in there. He stripped them off in one swift motion, exposing his entire body to my eager eyes.

  My mind was a complete blank. I tried not to stare but it would have been easier to stop breathing entirely. In my assessment, I found him to be simply magnificent. I was hit right between my eyes with his blatant masculinity. His size scared me. I had used shorter poles to stake my tomatoes.

  I felt the air shift across the space of the room between us. He must have spoken louder as his voice broke through my dense fog. “You should see your face,” he said. My eyes roamed from his groin upward, over his defined abs and massive chest, to his muscular neck and lips, then his eyes. “You look shocked. Or is it that you’re scared? What’s wrong, Firelight?” he asked, pointedly.

  “I…um…I’m…” I was stammering. My brain refused to reignite to make a sentence. I could feel the flush of my lack of experience creep all over my body. I swallowed hard to try to alleviate the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

  “What are you trying to say, Neomi? You’re not even undressed. What’s the problem?” he said, frowning. He stood there completely naked and seemingly comfortable with it. In a commanding and yet not frightening stance. I could see he was beginning to lose patience with me and my lack of communication. My eyes fell to the bed and I turned to sit on the edge afraid my legs were about to fail me. He walked around to my side and lifted my chin with his fingers. “You have seen a man before, right Neomi?”

  “Yes…in pictures,” I said softly and with a deep sigh. I watched the weight of what I had just said come over him.

  “You’re a virgin?” he whispered, looking ashen. I nodded my head.

  “Oh, Christ,” he said, closing his eyes in frustration. “I can’t do this.” He walked back around the bed, grabbed his boxers and quickly shoved his legs into them.

  “You’re angry with me because I’m a virgin?” I asked. He pulled his boxers up shoving himself back into them aggressively.

  “I am mad. Mad at myself for being less of a man than you deserve. You saved yourself for the wrong guy, Neomi. I won’t do this. I’m not fucking good enough for you.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?” I said, quietly.

  “I’ve been with club whores and God only knows who else. A virgin would never understand the depths of my depravity. Some of the things I have done would shock you. I don’t fucking deserve to have you,” he admitted, sadly. The whole time he spoke, he continued to dress. He was nearly finished.

  I took a moment to evaluate my so-called-life. I’m twenty-one and I’ve never had a relationship that went this far. I felt things for this man that I had only experienced once before. If I let him walk out without a fight, I would regret it for the rest of my life. “Do you believe in destiny? That two forces are put together for a reason. That maybe neither of them knows why and it’s not for them to ask. It’s just the way it has to be. That’s how I feel about you and me. I want to go with that feeling. Why can’t you?”

  “I think I explained it to you. It doesn’t matter what I want. At this point, it’s what is good for you. And this,” he said waving his hand over his body. “Is not what you need.” He turned to walk out of the bedroom.

  “Please tell me that you love and want me just as much as I love and want you. If you don’t I’ll leave you alone, just as I found you.” I said, turning to stare at the window.

  His boots clicked along the wood floors through the living room and into the kitchen where his shirt and jacket were hung on the back of the chair. There was a pause with no noise, as he must have put his shirt on. Then I heard the rustling of his keys being removed from his pocket. I held my breath hoping not to hear the door open. He walked to the front door and opened it. The familiar hitch of the hinges sounded and I exhaled knowing it was over. He had made his decision. My feet said to run after him, my heart agreed. My stubborn head said no, it’s important that he has to want you.

  I stood and walked to the window knowing I would see him ride away. Stupid, like the teenager looking for the last sight of him. I banged my head on the casement a few times saying, “You’re an idiot. You should have just taken your clothes off and never said anything about being a stupid virgin. I didn’t think he would be so turned off. He didn’t even see my tattoo. He doesn’t know what he’s missing,” I said, aloud still looking out of the window.

  “Yes, he does,” I heard him say from behind me. I spun around and he was standing in the doorway.

  “I thought you left.”

  “I opened the door to go. Then I thought about it. I’m going to stay and tell you everything. Then it will be up to you to choose. You were right, it should be your decision, and not mine.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  He sat me back down on the couch as he paced in front of me. “I was a lot of trouble to my parents when I was young. I did the usual crap of skipping school, drinking and I got involved with the wrong kids. I knew what I was doing. I’m not blaming anyone but myself.”

  “I went with my gang to rob a store. I didn’t go in but I was there. A surveillance camera outside got a really good look at me. I was caught and put on trial. The judge gave me the option of enlisting in the Army or going to jail. I enlisted the next day.”

  “After basic training, when they saw I could shoot the eye of a needle at thirty feet, I was given the assignment as a sharp-shooter. I went to Iraq and Afghanistan. In the hierarchy of grunts, a sharpshooter is way up there. I got the girls and the booze, anything I wanted.”

  “I was a magnet for every sin and the worst of it was; I didn’t care. I slept with everything I could. One night stands, hookers, club whores, it didn’t matter to me as long as I was getting it.”

  “One of the girls at the club wanted more from me. Connie was a sweet thing, just twenty. I knew she was falling for me; I could see that. She waited for me. She stopped being with any of the other guys,” he stopped talking to rub his forehead. I was silent waiting for him to continue. “She started to use when I wouldn’t commit.”

  “I knew what she was doing and I still banged her whenever I could. I was an original member of the club so I had my own room there. She would wait for me in my room. I came in one day and found her. She had overdosed. She was naked on my bed, waiting for me.”

  “We couldn’t let her be found at the club. An investigation would have turned up a lot more than a dead woman. My head was up my ass and I went along with the other members that were there. We took her in a car to a motel, rented a room in her name with one of the other girls pretending to be her. We put her in the room and left.”

  “She was discovered the next morning by the housekeeper. It was all over the news. They thought she was a prostitute. Her parents were crushed and I did nothing to correct it. I let them believe their beautiful daughter died in a hotel room working as a prostitute,” he said, deflating at the ending of his story.

  “You didn’t kill her. You didn’t help or stop her, but you also didn’t kill her. All that is between the Devil and us is our free will. You let him decide yours for a time. Things are different now, you’re different now.”

  “Not so different, Neomi. No, I don’t get involved with the women at the club. I don’t even go there much at all anymore. Most of my clients are women escaping from abusive relationships. I protect them from harm as a kind of payment for what I’ve done. Not that I can ever make it right,” He tried to explain, selflessly.

  “All of the drops of water in the entire world can’t sink a boat until the water gets inside, Understanding. You have to make sure the water stays out. I know you’ll do that. You’re a good person. I love you,” I said, standing in front of him.

  “I se
nt her parents an anonymous letter a few months ago, telling them exactly what happened. I left out any incriminating things like the name of the club or our location. I sent the letter to a brother club in New York and they mailed it from there. I still feel I should have done more.”

  “Yes, you should have. I want to think that if it happened now, you would. You’d help her. You wouldn’t be so careless with her affections.”

  “I love you, Firelight. You’re so accepting. I’ve broken the law, killed, done despicable things in my life and still you stand here forgiving me. You should have opened the door and pushed me through it by now,” he said holding me in his arms tightly.

  “I want you to make love to me. We choose the people that we love with our hearts. The reasoning isn’t always smart, the timing imperfect, and the result not completely ideal. Nonetheless, we still love them. I want this and I want you, I chose you,” I said snuggling closer.

  He reached over to the oven and turned the temperature down. Opening the oven door, he tossed in the two potatoes and then turned to me. Picking me up he walked effortlessly to the bedroom and set me down next to the bed. “If at any time you change your mind, just say so. Tell me if I’m hurting you or if you’re at all uncomfortable with what I’m doing. You have to talk to me so I know you’re okay.

  “I know what I’m doing but I’ve never been with a virgin before so I don’t know what you’re feeling. I want this to be good for you, too,” he said looking so serious.

  “I’ll be fine, don’t worry. There’s a first time for everything, right?” I said smiling. The look that was on his face was one of pure longing. It made me feel so desirable.

  He pulled his shirt up and over his head tossing it on the chair. “You have a beautiful chest and strong shoulders,” I said feeling his defined skin.

  “It’s a good thing because in a few minutes I’ll be using every one of them to make you sigh, smile and explode.” He lifted the hem of my shirt and raised it over my head tossing it in the chair with his.

  He drew his finger slowly down my neck and over the top of my bra. “You are so beautiful. Your skin is flawless and so soft to touch,” he said as if he was in awe of me.

  He unsnapped my bra continuing his sweet talk. This was the seduction I had always dreamed of. The unhurried, soft and charming temptation that would introduce me to the total connection to a man. My man, my love.

  He moved my hands to his jeans. “Undress me, Firelight. I want you to feel me. Making love is a feast of all the senses. Both of us need the touching.”

  I fumbled with it, my hands shaking. He whispered words of encouragement. I finally had him naked again. This time I saw his tattoo that was on his hip. It was three words, “This End Up.”

  “What does it mean?” I asked.

  “The men in my unit teased each other that we were so ugly if we were ever shot no one would know our faces from our asses. This would help to identify which was which. It was another comrade thing. I want to see yours,” he said moving his hands down to my jeans.

  With remarkably steady hands, he made quick work of removing both my jeans and panties. He ran his finger over my tattoo. “It’s you, isn’t it? Fire and light, it’s as beautiful as you are.”

  “It reminds me of home and my safe place,” I said reflectively.

  “I hope you think of me as your safe place. Nothing will ever hurt you when you’re with me.”

  Understanding made love to me instead of Trigger. I make the distinction because he was so sweet, treating me like a fine porcelain doll, which might be easily broken. He spoke calmly, words of love and yearning. “You are so perfect.” “I love you so much.” “You feel so good to me.” “You are my world, my existence, my reason to be.”

  We ate our dinner quickly so we could go back to bed. He wanted to cuddle with me, to finish showing me his feelings. I fell asleep naked and in his arms, completely happy.

  I woke in the morning to the awesome sight of this dazzling man sound asleep next to me. His long black lashes fanned out across his sun-tanned cheeks. His lips were slightly parted as he was softly snoring. His naked masculine chest rising slowly with every breath. And the best part, he was mine.

  I leaned forward against his chest and licked his nipple. A slow smile spread across his face. “Good morning, Beautiful. I see you slept well last night.”

  “Very well. I was tired.”

  “No doubt the extra exertion with last night’s activities,” he said with a chuckle.

  “Most likely it was that. But the man’s arms around me all night helped too. I really liked that feeling,” I said still rubbing his nipple between my fingers. He turned on his side, placed his hand on my breast, and began kneading it. His mouth followed his hand. I sucked in a sharp breath and my back arched against his mouth.

  “You like this, my love?”

  “Yes, I like this very much,” I said dreamily.

  “Good because I also like this very much. You’re very sensitive…and tasty.” he said with a smirk. He continued his assault on my nipples as I closed my eyes in pleasure. “Are you sore at all?” he asked lifting his head to look at me.

  “No, you were very gentle with me. I feel great this morning.”

  “Good because I want to be anything but gentle with you very soon. I want to bend you over on every surface in your apartment and my house and be buried inside you for hours,” he said, moving his kisses down to my belly button.

  “That doesn’t sound very comfortable being bent over backwards,” I said, lifting his head off my belly to cradle his face in my hands. He looked at me curiously and then laughed loudly.

  “I keep forgetting that this is all so new to you. You won’t be bent over backwards, necessarily. There are literally thousands of different ways to make love. You’ve only experienced one way. I have to admit; this way is probably my favorite.

  “It’s like having your favorite book be the only one that you’ll ever read. It is the story you like the best but after several hundred readings you want a different title. It’s still reading, just a different book. Making love is very similar. You want to still make love, just a different way,” he explained.

  “I feel stupid. Of course, there must be all kinds of different ways. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “You are far from stupid, Firelight. You’re inexperienced, that’s all. I plan to rectify that in due course,” he said kissing me.

  “Thank you for having patience with me.”

  “Absolutely my pleasure. My pleasure and hopefully yours.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  He spent the weekend introducing me to a few different ways to make love. I had no problem bending over the back of the couch. In fact, it was quite comfortable actually. Sitting on the kitchen counter, although cold and unsanitary, was another one of his and my favorites.

  I went to work on Monday still wearing the grin I have had since Friday night. “Someone had a good weekend,” Paul said, staring at me as I breezed past him.

  “Someone did. How was yours?” I said hanging up my hoodie.

  “I don’t think it was as good as yours. What did you do get a massage or something? You’re glowing.”

  “I did get a massage. Good guess!” I said remembering Understanding’s hands on me. It was definitely a massage. I wrapped my apron around me and tied it. The bell rang on the front door and I began to walk out to take care of the customer.

  “You’ll have to tell me where you went for this massage. I want to look as relaxed as you do. You must have had a very good masseuse.”

  “He was excellent! But I thought you swung the other way, Paul.”

  “I think we are talking about two different things, Neomi. Just what kind of massage did you have?” he said laughing. I felt his amused eyes on me as I left the back room.

  I saw a teenage boy, maybe thirteen or fourteen, at the counter as I walked out. His head was shaved close on the right side with a visible nasty-looking scar
that ran from the front of his ear towards the back of his head. It was wide and looked painful. His eyes were a piercing blue-green like the color of the ocean just before a scary storm. “Good morning. What can I get for you?” I asked him.

  “Good morning, Neomi. May I please have a cup of coffee, black, and an everything bagel toasted with vegetable cream cheese on the side,” he said with a wide-warm smile. I stared at him for a moment because of his choice of words. He sounded so much older than his obvious years.

  “Of course, coming right up.” I turned and grabbed his bagel, sliced it and sent it through the toaster. I poured his coffee and got the cream cheese from the fridge. I placed everything on a tray and went to the cash register. “That will be $3.18 please.” He went through his wallet and took out four dollars handing it to me.

  “Keep the change, Neomi. Thank you and have a nice day,” he said taking the tray and walking towards a table.

  “Thank you and you have a great day too.” I said watching him limp away. He must have been in a terrible accident. The scar was horrifying and once I saw the limp, I was sure something dreadful had happened to him.

  I didn’t want to stare at him so I busied myself cleaning and waited on the customers that came in. Fifteen minutes or so later he got up and threw out his cup. He limped to the door and walked out. I watched him unlock a bike from the meter outside of the front door. He struggled to lift his leg over the seat but finally made it and rode off.

  The rest of my shift flew by. I just about ran home wanting to shower and change. I wanted to make a nice dinner for Understanding. I wanted to have a typical domesticated evening with him, maybe enjoy a pleasant dinner at the kitchen table, watch some mindless TV on the couch, and make love, somewhere.