Sucks to Be Me

by Painter, Kristen

  “So sex, then.”

  “No.” Claudette rolled her eyes. “Do all middle-aged women have their minds stuck in the bedroom? We are vampires. Human assistants usually want to be paid in blood. Money, too, but mostly—”

  “My mind isn’t—what?”

  “Vampire blood is like the Fountain of Youth for humans. It’s why you need to keep your new status to yourself, or you could find yourself being hunted. Anyway, giving your assistant allotments of your blood is how you keep them strong and healthy. It gives them an edge against whatever they have to deal with. It’s a big reason why most of them take the jobs.”

  “Do you have an assistant?”

  “I’m the governor. I have several.”

  “Oh. Right.” And just like that, Donna was considering giving her new lawyer friend a call.

  But not yet. There was no way she was calling Pierce for anything more than a meeting at Redline until the Villachis were dealt with. So she just nodded at Claudette. “I’ll keep all that in mind. In the meantime, can you answer some more questions for me?”

  “That’s what I’m here for, but the sun will be up in a few hours, so I can’t stay long.”

  “Why don’t you just spend the night? I have plenty of guest rooms.”

  Claudette seemed to consider it. “Is the house sunproof?”

  “The windows have room-darkening shades, and there’s one room that’s on the north side that gets no sun. We always jokingly call it the dungeon.”

  “All right. I’ll have to let my people know where I am. Wait. Did you put iron around your house like I told you to?”

  “Yes. Actually, my werewolf FBI friend did it for me since it was daylight.”

  Claudette nodded appreciatively. “I had a werewolf lover once. He was a lot of fun. He eventually decided it was time to find a mate of his own kind, though.”

  “Yeah, again, Rico’s not my lover.” Not that Donna was against the future possibility. Especially now that she’d learned about their supposed compatibility. “We have a professional working relationship.”

  Claudette shrugged. “Whatever. I’ll stay the night.”

  “I didn’t see a car out front, so I don’t know where you parked, but if you want to put it in the driveway, you’re welcome to. Or you can have my space in the garage since I haven’t pulled my car in yet.”

  “I didn’t drive. I ran.”

  “You…ran? From where?”

  “My house.”

  “Do you live close?”

  Claudette hesitated. “In the area. What other questions do you have?”

  Donna understood her sire wasn’t ready to share specifics. Seemed odd, considering Donna had drunk the woman’s blood, which was about as intimate as you could get, but she wasn’t going to pry. Claudette had to have her reasons. Maybe it was a security thing, being governor. “I have so many… How old are you?”

  “Closing in on three hundred.”

  “Wow.” Donna let that settle over her. “You’ve seen a lot in your time.”

  “I have.”

  “Is your sire still around?”

  Claudette’s gaze narrowed ever so slightly. “Why do you want to know that?”

  “Just curious.”

  “She is, and that’s all you need to know. If all goes well, you’ll never meet her.”

  That was a curious thing to say, but before Donna could ask another question about Claudette’s sire, she held up a finger. “I’ll take a glass of that wine after all. So long as it’s decent.”

  “Do I look like a woman who’d drink bad wine? Life’s too short for that. Or it was.” Donna got up. “Be right back.” She took her glass with her to the kitchen, refilled it, then poured a generous one for Claudette. What kind of a sire did Claudette have that she’d act so oddly about her? That question was going to stick in Donna’s head for a while.

  When Donna returned to the living room, Claudette was looking at photos on the baby grand in the corner. Without turning, she asked, “These are your children?”

  “Yes. Do you have any? Human ones, I mean.”

  “No. I managed to avoid that.”

  Donna ignored the comment. Her children were the best thing that had ever happened to her. If Claudette didn’t understand that, her loss. “They’re both grown now.” Donna held out the glass. “Christina’s in college, and Joe Jr. is in the Air Force.”

  Claudette turned to accept the wine. “You can’t tell them, you know.”

  Donna found that hard to believe. “So they’re just supposed to accept without reason that their mother no longer goes out during the day?”

  “If they don’t live with you, it shouldn’t even be an issue.” Claudette sniffed the wine. Her brows rose in apparent appreciation.

  Donna wasn’t convinced. “Except when they come to visit. Or wonder why I can’t visit them.”

  “You can visit them. You just need to travel at night.” She took a small sip of the Pinot Noir, then nodded. “This is good. Next question.”

  Her responses hadn’t solved anything concerning her children, but if Donna wanted to tell them, she was going to tell them. Nothing came between her and her kids. Claudette wouldn’t even need to know. And if she did find out, well, she’d just have to get over it. Donna asked her next question. “Am I dead?”

  Claudette looked at her and laughed. “No, not technically.”

  “But I thought vampires were the undead. Dead, but not.”

  “Yes and no. We are immortal, but we can be killed by various means.”

  “Yes and no? What does that mean? I still don’t get the dead-undead thing. My heart is beating. I’m breathing. I feel very much alive.”

  “You are. Because you haven’t truly died yet.”

  “Didn’t I die in the cemetery?”

  “No. You came close, I think, but you still had a pulse when I found you. Although, any longer and you would have expired, I’m sure.”

  “Would you still have been able to save me?”

  “Yes. But there’s a time limit on that.”

  Donna only gave that a moment of thought. There was still so much to learn. “Then I can still die? Or not?”

  “Yes, you can. The first real death you suffer, and that might not be for many, many years, you will physically die. But that’s it.” She shook her head. “All that will happen is that those physical things you just described—the beating heart, the breathing—will cease. It’s nothing to be alarmed about, though. Vampires don’t need a pulse and functioning lungs to exist.”

  “So, let’s say I get shot. I die. But I don’t.”

  “Right.”

  “Let’s say I’ve already died that physical death. Then I get shot. What happens then?”

  “Nothing. A bullet can’t kill a vampire. It’ll still hurt, but unless it’s made of wood and a direct shot through the heart, you’ll be fine.”

  “A wooden bullet through the heart can kill me?”

  She nodded. “A certain type of wood, yes. But it would have to be a pretty direct shot. Most hunters prefer crossbows and wooden stakes.”

  “There needs to be a handbook for all this.” Then Donna stared at her. “Hunters?”

  “Vampire hunters.”

  Donna took a big slug of her wine, then went straight to the couch and sat down. “I did not sign up for this.”

  Claudette laughed softly. “It’s not as if they’re out roaming the streets looking to pick us off. A hunter only goes after a vampire who’s gone rogue. Unless it’s a fae hunter, but that’s a different story entirely.”

  Donna gave her a sharp look. “Define rogue.”

  “Essentially a vampire that’s drained a human to death or—oh. I see your point.” She took her seat again. “Look, it’s not as if the human you drained is going to be missed exactly, is it? And you said your friend was going to deal with the body. I’m sure it’s all fine. Other than the fact you severed our tether. That could be problematic.”

  “About
that. Don’t you have a cell phone number you can give me?”

  “I do.” She frowned. “But I don’t really like giving it out.”

  “Maybe you can make an exception.” Donna knew there was a tone in her voice, but she didn’t really care. She needed a lifeline. Although, now that she had the First Fangs Club women, maybe she didn’t. Still, it would be nice to get in touch with Claudette if she needed to.

  “I’ll make sure you have it before I leave. But you need to know that if you step out of line, it’s my job to correct that. It’s expected of me, actually.”

  “Thank you. And I understand. Speaking of rogues, what did you do to that vampire in the cemetery?”

  Claudette looked away. “What I had to.”

  “Which means?”

  She was silent for a long moment. “I put him down.”

  “Because he bit me?”

  “Because he bit you and basically drained you to death. Trust me, had I not intervened, you would have died. He was on a rampage and about to make a second kill when I caught up to him. Fortunately, I didn’t need to turn that one.”

  “I’m sorry. That had to be hard.”

  Claudette nodded. “I had such high hopes for him. But I had no choice. If the council had found out…” She shook her head.

  “What would have happened? If the council had found out.”

  “They would have stepped in. Taken care of things themselves. And I would have been in trouble for it.”

  “How would they know?”

  “They know.”

  “Do they know about me?”

  “Yes. We’re required by vampire law to register any new vampires we create.”

  Donna stared at her. “You registered me? How did you know who I was?”

  “I went through your purse. Found your ID.”

  Nothing about that made Donna happy. She wanted to be less connected to the vampire world, not more. Mary and Joseph, being a vampire was as complicated as being human.

  “Settle down,” Claudette said. “I can see you’re upset. All vampires get registered. It’s a good thing, I assure you.”

  “If you say so.” Donna still felt a little pouty about the whole thing, but what was done was done. “What made him go rogue? Why did he attack me?”

  “Full moon didn’t help, but it was because he’d had some bad blood.” She looked at Donna again. “Never drink from a dead body.”

  Donna nodded. “I won’t. I promise.” Yikes. She made a big mental note never to cross that line. “Is it safe to get blood from one of those blood services, then?”

  “Yes. They get their blood from living donors, and they are well vetted. Trust me, if they weren’t, word would get out, and that would be the end of them. Literally and figuratively. We don’t tend to accept things, like humans trying to take advantage of us, with much grace.”

  “Got it. Can we go back to the ways to die? I don’t need to know how you killed the rogue, but it would be useful to know what can kill me.”

  “You mean besides me and the council?” Claudette laughed, then swallowed the last of her wine and held out her empty glass. “Sure, I’ll tell you a few. But first, do you have more of this?”

  “I do.” Donna got up to get a refill. She was totally second-guessing the invite to have Claudette stay over. Why had she offered? Were the answers really worth it? The woman had basically just told Donna that it was her job as sire to “put down” Donna if she screwed up.

  And if she didn’t, the council would.

  Donna shook her head in disbelief. And here she’d thought being a Mafia wife was dangerous.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Two more hours of conversation and two more bottles of wine, almost exclusively consumed by Claudette, and the woman was finally showing signs of sleepiness. Or maybe that was the wine kicking in?

  Donna didn’t know how much it would take to give a three-hundred-year-old vampire a good buzz, but two and a half bottles seemed like a substantial amount.

  Whatever the reason, Claudette was ready to turn in, and Donna was good with that. Neither of them spoke while Donna led her to the guest room. Something else Donna was okay with. There was so much new information in her head, so much to process, that she was done talking. Plus, she still wasn’t used to being up until the early hours of the morning, and she was feeling a little tired.

  Besides, Rico would be back in the afternoon, so she needed to be awake when he—crap. Rico would be here while Claudette was here too. Was that going to be an issue?

  Donna opened the guest room door. “Here you go. Listen, my FBI friend is going to be here in about ten hours or so to work on the case. I see no reason for that to affect you, though.”

  Claudette gave her a strange look. “Neither do I. At my age, I sleep very hard. Like I’m dead. If something happens that wakes me up during daylight hours, it’s not going to be pretty for anyone. So unless the house is on fire, don’t disturb me. Understand?”

  “You’re not to be woken up. Got it.” Apparently, being three hundred not only made you cranky, but also gave you a big case of I’m A Diva.

  Claudette looked around the room, then faced Donna, her hand on the doorknob. “I like to feed when I arise. You do have blood on hand, don’t you?”

  “No.” Donna gave her an incredulous look.

  Claudette rolled her eyes like the weight of the world lay upon her shoulders and it was all Donna’s fault. “Lakewood Consumer Products. They’re a local blood bank that does home delivery for vampires. Look them up and get it worked out. You need a service anyway.”

  Donna frowned. She did need a service, but she hated being bossed around. Suddenly, she wasn’t all that sad about the severed psychic tether. Not being mentally connected to Claudette was sounding like more of a gift, frankly. “I’ll get on it when I wake up.”

  Claudette shook her head. “Do it now. They’re open twenty-four seven. Then you can have a delivery sent in time for me to feed.”

  Donna opened her mouth to respond, but Claudette abruptly shut the door, leaving Donna in the hall.

  What an entitled piece of work. Even for being the governor. Donna glared at the woman on the other side of the door, a thousand different snappy responses building up inside. But instead of saying anything, she ground her teeth together and stomped back downstairs to wash the glasses and feed Lucky.

  She got his food dished out, then ran the faucet for hot water. Claudette’s demands were still frosting Donna’s nerves, but she had to let it go. Claudette would be gone tomorrow. And Donna did need to work out her own blood supply. But wow, the woman was a real pill.

  The kind made of arsenic and rat poison.

  She rinsed the wineglasses and set them on a mat to dry before getting her phone out and calling the company Claudette had told her about.

  It took five minutes and a credit card to set up delivery. Donna wasn’t sure what Claudette’s blood-type preference was, so she ordered a variety pack. Somehow, that would probably still be wrong. But it would give Donna a chance to see what she liked for herself.

  At least it was done. Donna turned the lights off and went upstairs to bed. She set her alarm just in case. It wouldn’t do to have Rico’s arrival wake her up.

  But as she lay there, on the verge of sleep, Claudette’s words about the werewolf-vampire relationship came back to her. Did Rico feel like that? Was he interested in her? Would it take the case being closed for him to act on those feelings?

  It certainly made her wonder.

  Of course, she had no idea what Rico’s personal life was like. For all she knew, he already had a vampire girlfriend. Or maybe he was married. Mated. Whatever his kind called it. Just because he’d never mentioned a wife didn’t mean there wasn’t one. He didn’t wear a ring either, but that meant nothing. Joe had never worn one.

  She frowned. Joe had had a series of girlfriends, too, the cheating, two-timing scum bucket.

  She sighed. Maybe getting Pierce to move in would b
e a good idea. He was a handsome man. Different than Rico. More James Bond than Dirty Harry. Both had their appeal. But she didn’t need protecting, did she? She needed someone to help her navigate this new life.

  Pierce could do that. He was clearly capable and smart and literally worshipped her. Plus, he could keep her alive.

  She thought about that for a moment, then realized Claudette had never said anything about drinking a werewolf’s blood. Was that okay?

  She groaned. Why did everything end up in a new question? There really ought to be a book. Or a supernatural Wikipedia, where all her questions were searchable. Why wasn’t someone working on that? Neo would be perfect. Donna was going to talk to her about it next week at group. The woman obviously already knew about computers and…

  Donna woke to the soft beeping of her alarm. Was it really time to get up? She felt like someone had piled sandbags on top of her. It must be because her body clock was adapting to her new physiology, and that didn’t include being awake during daylight hours.

  Then she woke up a little more, opened her eyes, and realized that those sandbags were warm. And purring. Lucky was sleeping on top of her, stretched out along her body from chest to hips. “Morning, you silly beast.”

  He lifted his head and chirped at her.

  Someone wanted breakfast. Or lunch, as the case might be. She’d set her alarm for two, and Rico was due at three again. Didn’t leave her much time to get ready, but since she could move with remarkable speed, that shouldn’t be an issue.

  Hopefully, Claudette would stay asleep.

  Donna slid Lucky off and got up. Funny how the first thing she used to do when she got out of bed every day was some gentle stretches, then she’d baby her hips and feet until they warmed up and the stiffness disappeared. Those aches were gone now. “Better living through vampirism,” she muttered on her way downstairs.

  Lucky got fresh water and a new can of food while her coffee brewed. She took the coffee upstairs and drank it while she went into her closet to pick out something to wear.

  “Ugh.” She shook her head as she remembered that all her new purchases from Bloomie’s were still in the car, which was in the driveway. If she’d moved it into the garage like she’d intended, getting her things out wouldn’t be an issue.