Sucks to Be Me

by Painter, Kristen

  Rico came in when she was finishing up the last platter. It was pressed green glass and had held a walnut coffee cake drier than the Sahara during a drought.

  He leaned on the counter a couple feet away. “Don’t you have someone to do that?”

  “Yes, we have a cleaning service, but I’m not going to let these sit here until they come.” She gave him a little side-eye. “What? You think I don’t do dishes?”

  He laughed. “I don’t generally think of any vampire doing dishes, I guess. Anyway, I’m done. The truck’s packed. I’ll get everything filed and in process when I get back. Hopefully, we’ll get all kinds of new evidence from this stuff.”

  “I hope so too. Don’t forget to check about the duffel bag.”

  He nodded. “You worried about Lucinda?”

  “She feels like a loose end right now. And if she’s the one who tried to have me killed, then yes. I’m worried about her. Wouldn’t you be?”

  He hesitated. “If you think she’s going to come after you again—”

  “I do. Why wouldn’t she? Especially if she and Joe were really together on this deal with the Russians. Whatever that might be.”

  He seemed to give that some thought. “And if she’s got the Russians’ money… Yeah, we’ll prioritize that. In the meantime, if she does come after you—”

  “If who comes after her?” Claudette walked into the kitchen from the back steps. Her hair was scraped back into a high ponytail that accentuated her already bladelike cheekbones. She smiled at Rico, showing off her fangs. “Well, now. Hello there, Mr. Wolf.”

  His smile in return was much more reserved. “You must be Claudette.”

  “I must be.” She stopped a few inches away from him and looked up, still smiling. “I understand you’ve been very helpful to my new protégé. I appreciate that.”

  “I’m sure you do, seeing as how you left her hanging. Surprising behavior for a governor.” Rico’s eyes flashed with a moonlit glow that, for a moment, transformed his gaze into that of a wolf’s.

  Claudette’s smile disappeared.

  Crap. This was exactly what Donna didn’t want. “It wasn’t her fault,” Donna said. “I wasn’t calling her right.” She waved her hands next to her head like it was all so confusing. “That mental-link thing takes some practice.”

  Neither Claudette nor Rico looked like they believed a word of that, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to diffuse the situation.

  She made herself smile. “Thanks again for everything, Agent Medina.” Couldn’t hurt to remind Claudette that Rico wasn’t just a werewolf.

  He finally stopped staring Claudette down and turned toward Donna again. “You’re welcome. I’ll be in touch.” He turned on his heel and left.

  Claudette watched him go, suddenly smug. When the front door opened and closed, she looked at Donna, brows raised. “He’s hot. Typical wolf, though. Ready to fight at the drop of a hat over something that’s not even his business.”

  “I am kind of his business.”

  “If you say so.” Claudette shook her head. “They’re like that, though.”

  “Like what?” Donna asked.

  “Protectors. That’s just the wolf DNA.”

  “And vampires aren’t?”

  Claudette shrugged. “We’re not a species that tends to group up. The wolves are pack animals by design. They protect each other. It’s how they survive. Vampires tend to be solitary. Not that there aren’t exceptions, but nests are rare.”

  “So a nest is a group of vampires? What’s a den?”

  She nodded. “Yes, a nest is a group that lives together like family. It happens. But like I said, it’s rare. A den is just a group sleeping place.” She looked at the empty cooler, now on the island. “What kind did you get?”

  “The variety pack since I don’t know what you like.”

  Claudette smiled as she turned toward the refrigerator. “Good job. I guess you can teach a middle-aged woman new tricks.”

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  That comment triggered every single nerve in Donna’s body. She was pretty sure if she had been a wolf, she would have snarled. She clamped her jaws together, though. This was her sire and the governor.

  Then she had a second thought and unclamped. Why should it matter who Claudette was? The comment was disrespectful, and Donna was fed up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Claudette was riffling through the bags of blood in the fridge, reading the labels, maybe to see what kind they were. She didn’t look at Donna as she answered. “What’s what supposed to mean?”

  “That crack,” Donna snapped back. “You think I’m dumb because of my age? That all middle-aged women are dumb? Is that what you’re trying to say?”

  Claudette closed the refrigerator and turned, a bag in her hand. There was a little surprise in her gaze, but a flippant tone in her voice. “I was just making a joke. Relax.”

  “No,” Donna said. “You weren’t just making a joke, and I won’t relax. You were making a comment. About me. About women my age. Like we’re somehow insignificant because of where we are in life. If that’s a joke to you, maybe you should explain how it’s funny.”

  Claudette opened her mouth, but didn’t say anything.

  Good, Donna thought. Better the woman be quiet than dig herself deeper. Because Donna was not done talking. “Let me tell you something, you have no idea what I’ve been through in my life. None. You think you’re special because you turned me into a vampire? That’s nothing. I’ve created life. Twice. Then given birth to it. Twenty-six and thirty-seven hours of labor, respectively.”

  Claudette looked like she would have backed up, but there was no place to go since the fridge was behind her. “You’re right. That is an admirable—”

  “Admirable?” Heat built in Donna’s body. The kind of heat that had to be let out. “I’m not talking about saving the whales or remembering to use my cloth bags when I get groceries.” She leaned in, the reflection of her glowing eyes visible in Claudette’s own wide gaze. “It makes me a warrior, do you understand?”

  Claudette nodded rapidly.

  “There is no fiercer, tougher, stronger creature on this earth than a mother. And for you to act as if I’m less-than because of some preconceived notion you have about middle-aged women is insulting. Especially while you’re under my roof. Even more so because if you’re the governor who represents me, you’d better learn to treat me with respect.” Donna stabbed her finger at Claudette. “Don’t. Do. It. Again.”

  Claudette swallowed. “I’m sorry. I won’t.”

  “Good.” Donna went back to her dishes, her internal steam dissipating. “Now have your breakfast and get out of my house. I need some alone time.”

  “I’m still your sire, you know. No need to be—”

  Donna whipped around, glaring at her. “Stop talking while you’re ahead. And don’t forget to leave me your number. In fact, go write it on the memo board over there.”

  Claudette frowned, but did as Donna asked. Then she came back over, bag of blood in hand. “Do you mind if I heat this up?”

  Donna almost smiled at the suddenly respectful tone. “Not at all. What do you need?”

  “A bowl of hot water that I can submerge this in.”

  “Second cabinet on the right under the Keurig. And there’s an Instahot at the sink, so you can get all the hot water you need.”

  “Thank you.” Claudette went about her task. “Do you want me to warm one up for you?”

  Donna turned to hide the smile she could no longer restrain. “No, thanks. I’m good for now.”

  Claudette set the blood to warm. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  “Okay.” Donna nodded and kept drying the dishes she needed to return. She listened as Claudette went up to the guest room. A few moments later, she heard the door shut, followed by very muted talking. She couldn’t make out the words—her vampire hearing stretched only so far—but it sounded like Claudette was on the phone.


  Whatever. She was allowed. Probably telling her assistants she’d be back soon. Or maybe she was calling a friend to complain about Donna. Let her. She might be three hundred years old, but for a woman in such a high position, she was acting like a teenager.

  When Donna was finished drying all the funeral dishes, she made a list of which one belonged to whom so she wouldn’t forget where they all went. Then she sat at the island and dashed off quick thank-you notes to each of the women who’d brought the food. The notes got taped to their respective dishes. Once she was done with that, she packed the dishes in two totes and loaded them into the car.

  By the time she got back to the kitchen, Claudette had returned.

  Donna took a seat at the island. She nodded at the warming bowl. “Do you pour that into a glass or just bite the bag or what?”

  “You can do either. Whatever you want.”

  “Good to know. So do you want a glass?” Donna was feeling generous toward this new, sedate version of her sire. Who knew that all it’d take to straighten her out was to stand up to her? Dr. Goldberg was right. Donna was a much stronger woman than she realized.

  Well. She wasn’t going to take herself for granted anymore. At least, she was going to do her best not to.

  “No, I’m good.” Claudette took the bag from the water, dried it with the kitchen towel, then sank her fangs into it. A few minutes later, the bag was empty.

  Claudette put the deflated bag into the trash and used a paper towel to wipe her mouth. “Thank you for your hospitality.”

  Donna couldn’t take it anymore. She stood up abruptly, making Claudette step back. “Okay, enough with this scolded-puppy routine. You were out of line, and I corrected you. Let’s move on, all right? No hard feelings on either side.”

  Claudette’s gaze turned wary. “Just like that? You’re not still mad?”

  “Yes, just like that. And no, I’m not still mad. I said what I needed to say. Things happen. You recalibrate and move on. How have you lived this long without understanding that? How do you operate as governor? It’s how humans survive.”

  Claudette shrugged. “I’ve been a vampire so much longer than I was ever human, I think I just forgot.”

  Donna nodded. “I can understand how that might happen.” She stuck her hand out. “Friends?”

  “Friends.” Claudette worried her bottom lip between her teeth as she shook Donna’s hand.

  Donna wasn’t sure what that meant. Maybe Claudette’s newfound hesitancy was just something she was going to have to deal with in her own time. Had none of the vampires she’d ever turned stood up to her? If so, the woman had a lot of learning ahead of her. Donna was done being a pushover.

  She was also curious how Claudette had been elected. Or maybe becoming a governor worked differently in the vampire world.

  Claudette cleared her throat. “I’m leaving. It’s dark enough now. Lots to do. Call if you need me.”

  “Right,” Donna said. “One second before you go.” She didn’t exactly mistrust Claudette, but she wasn’t convinced the woman wanted Donna to contact her. Donna went to the memo board, plugged in the number Claudette had written there, then sent a text to it.

  Claudette’s phone chirped.

  “Excellent. Now you have my number too,” Donna said. She started to add the number to her contacts, then realized something. “I don’t even know your last name. What is it?”

  With a guttural sigh, Claudette said, “Martine.”

  “Great.” Donna finished tapping it in. “Now we have each other’s info. Let me walk you to the door.” She couldn’t shake the feeling there was something else going on, but she wasn’t about to psychoanalyze Claudette’s issues. The woman could pay for therapy like everyone else.

  She saw Claudette out, then shut the door, but peered through the sidelights. In trademark style, Claudette was there one minute, then seemingly gone the next.

  Donna made a mental note to work on her speed, because that was impressive. Maybe it was something that got better with time. Lots of vampire skills seemed to work that way.

  Lucky had plenty of food and water, so without further delay, Donna grabbed her purse and headed for the garage. The sooner those dishes were returned, the sooner she could close that chapter of her life and rid herself of the last remaining connections to those who knew her as Joe’s wife.

  It felt oddly liberating to leave the house, maybe because she’d been stuck inside during the day. Even if the sun wasn’t her enemy, she couldn’t let Rico or Claudette know she was potentially immune, and that made her feel trapped in a way she hadn’t anticipated.

  She’d test the theory for real tomorrow. She’d get up while it was still full-on daylight, and she’d go out on the back deck. Hopefully, there would be sun, because she wanted to know once and for all what the truth was.

  Her plan was to test with and without her crucifix on. There was nothing else she could think of that might be protecting her. Certainly her turning hadn’t been unusual in any other way, or Claudette would have remarked on it.

  A little purple remained in the sky, so she stopped at the local coffee shop and got something rare—a salted caramel latte with extra whip. Why not? Burning calories didn’t seem to be a problem anymore. If anything, she was burning too many. Might as well indulge.

  She sat at a table near the window, watching the sky go full black. Amazing how much she could still see despite the dark. As night truly descended, she took her drink to the car and got back on the road.

  She made her first few deliveries without incident, parking a house away, then leaving the dishes and notes on the front porches of those who’d brought them. Most of the houses had lights on inside. Keeping to the shadows, she peered into a few windows, reminding herself what family life was like. As much as what she was witnessing was family life.

  Regardless, she never wanted to become like Claudette, so removed from humanity that she forgot how to be human. That would be terrible.

  Car headlights streaked past as a car drove by behind her. She ducked before she could be seen. Time to get back to it.

  A few houses more and only one remained. The one she least wanted to go to.

  Tony and Lucinda’s.

  Maybe she’d just stick the dish into their mailbox and be done. Lucinda had brought banana bread, so the loaf pan would easily fit. Donna hadn’t tried the bread. With her luck, Lucinda would have laced it with some kind of poison. Or laxatives.

  Donna parked several blocks away, which ended up being behind the Villachis’ house. She knew Big Tony’s house and knew there was an extensive security system. They also had a dog, if it could be called that. Nero was a Chihuahua mix. What the rest of him was, Donna wasn’t sure, but he hadn’t gotten the pretty parts, that was for sure.

  She’d rarely seen him when his teeth hadn’t been bared or he wasn’t yipping at something. To add insult to injury, Lucinda constantly had him dressed in ridiculous outfits. She posted pictures of the mutt on her social media and got cranky if he didn’t get enough likes.

  The last outfit Donna had seen was a studded biker jacket with a matching leather cap, which only succeeded in making the poor beast look like a lost member of the Village People.

  Loaf pan tucked under her arm, she locked her car and started the trek toward the Villachis’. She wished she could see Lucinda’s face the next morning when she found the pan and realized Donna had been there. She smiled just thinking about how irritated that would make Lucinda, if for no other reason than it would remind her that her plan to bump Donna off had failed.

  The houses in this development were well spaced on large acre-and-a-half lots. Lucinda’s was an estate lot, meaning it was double that. A dense thicket of trees separated the Villachi house from its neighbors, exactly like Big Tony wanted.

  Probably to prevent the very thing she was doing. Sneaking up on them.

  She moved past the house that backed up to the Villachis’ property, then disappeared into the woods bet
ween. She picked her way through, impressed with her ability to move silently. That had to be a vampire skill, because she’d never been this quiet in her human life.

  At the tree line, she stopped. The Villachi house was a monstrosity of Tuscan design. It oozed Mediterranean motifs wherever possible.

  During the building, Donna had heard ad nauseum from Lucinda about every single thing inside the house that had been imported from Italy. Tiles and chandeliers and fireplaces. On and on.

  Sad, really, because on their own, the things were beautiful. But together they were like a woman in head-to-toe leopard print. Too much was too much.

  Donna had to go around and leave the pan on the front porch. Leaving it in the back of the house would create panic. The fact that someone, even if it was Donna, had breached their security, would cause an uproar.

  She wasn’t looking for more drama. Just to return the pan.

  Satisfied she could stay clear of the motion sensors that would flip on the security lights, she started around to the front as quickly as she could.

  The speed she achieved in seconds made it almost impossible for her to stop in time to avoid Lucinda, who was in the front yard with Nero.

  The little dog snapped and snarled as Donna came to a halt inches away from him. He was wearing a black hoodie with rhinestone letters that spelled out Thug Life.

  Yeah, so thuggy. The poor thing.

  Lucinda, thankfully, was occupied with something on her phone, so she missed Donna’s inglorious arrival. She looked up at Nero’s commotion, however. “Donna. What are you doin’ here?”

  “Hi, Lucinda.” Donna held out the pan. “Just returning your loaf pan. Thank you for the banana bread. It was very kind of you.”

  Lucinda glanced past her, looking both annoyed and baffled. “Where did you come from?”

  “My house.” Donna knew that didn’t explain the lack of a vehicle. “Just out returning all the dishes people brought over.” She forced a congenial smile. All she wanted to do was leave. This wasn’t about not being a pushover. It was about not making a bad situation worse. “You have a good night. Give my best to Tony.”