H When hell is the favourable option

by David Jaundrell

  He was discussing this with the manager of the security company when the lady who compiled the financial accounts came to them. She was visibly shaking and struggled to talk….

  ‘You ok Sheila? Can we help you?’

  ‘I've lost your money’ she said stammering ‘I'm sorry but I've lost your money’

  ‘What do you mean’ asked Brian ‘you've lost our money?’

  ‘It's gone out of the bank……it's gone’

  ‘What's gone? How much is gone? Tell us what you're talking about….’

  She led them into her office and showed them a bank statement. ‘There’ she said ‘look…..’

  She had underlined a figure of £12,000 taken from the account in the name of Regent Capital Securities Ltd

  ‘It should have been a thousand and it's twelve thousand’. She burst into tears ‘I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry’

  H looked at Brian enquiringly but Brian shrugged and shook his head.

  ‘Sit down Sheila and tell us all about it……..’

  Sheila explained how they needed three new copying machines, one for them and two for the clubs, as the others were old and knackered and she had rung a company in the local paper. The man had been very nice and the leasing quote was good and not only that he had given them a brand new lap top as part of the deal as she was ordering three machines. She signed the lease which was for a £1000 per quarter for three years; i.e. £12000 in total. However the first instalment from the bank had been £12,000! And there were another eleven quarters of £1000 to go! Brian soothed Sheila then went to another room with H. H stared at him.

  ‘Two questions’ said H ‘first, how does that woman manage to spend thousands of my money without you knowing? Second, how are you going to get it back?’

  ‘H I'm sorry’

  ‘Don't be sorry, just sort it out, because I had high regard for you as a manager and this is not good. This is crap management and not what I expect from you or anyone else that manages for me. It's looks good doesn't it that I’ he pointed to himself ‘fucking me, have just been scammed. What do you think of that eh?’

  He glared at Brian and inwardly he winced. Brian was a hard man but H, when annoyed, scared the shit out of him.

  ‘Now you fucking sort this out and when you have, come back to me and we'll talk again’

  He went back into Sheila's office. ‘It's ok love we all make mistakes. Don't worry. Brian's going to sort it all out’ and with one withering look at Brian he was gone.

  Brian was livid. It was quite true it was ultimately his fault and he took responsibility but for Christ's sake…… The stupid cow! He went back to Sheila and told her what to do. When the copy of the lease came back from the leasing company it was obvious it had been changed albeit with a good copy of Sheila's signature where the change had taken place.

  The salesman's name was Peter Nephew and he owned a small company called Regent Capital Securities Ltd. Brian made some more enquiries and then sat down with his second in command and tried to work out a plan…

  The next day they had worked it out but he knew he had to ring H to get his approval. The thought terrified him. Not that H would ever hurt a member of his staff but he was incredibly logical and if there was a flaw he would get no mercy. His hands were visibly shaking as he rang H and in a voice as calm as he could make it he told him what he wanted to do

  ‘Let me get this straight’ said H ‘You want to ‘invest’ one hundred and twenty five grand to get my money back? Are you fucking mad? Have you ever heard of risk and reward ratios? Why don't I just take it out of your salary?’

  Brian shrunk inside. Just what he needed. Just what he fucking needed. Ah fuck it. It was, to use one of H's little sayings ‘all in or all out’.

  At the other end of the phone H had considered the proposal and quite liked it. There was very little risk really, if they kept on top of it, but let Brian fight his corner. Let's see if he's got the bottle to argue…….?

  Brian took a deep breath….. ‘H I may have confused you a little so let me start again……….’

  H smiled. That's my boy……..get in there and fight your corner

  Brian called the company and as luck would have it he caught Nephew in.

  ‘Mr Nephew?’

  ‘Yes’

  ‘This is Brian Bailey from Secure Security. You very kindly helped us out with some copiers and I wonder whether you could help again?’

  ‘Of course…..anything’

  Brian could hear him salivating. This man was not just a crook but an idiot. He ripped off a security company for Christ's sake. Was he mad? Not only that it belonged to H. H for Christ's sake! That wasn't mad that was completely fucking unhinged…….it was a fucking death wish!

  ‘We have several premises and are also setting up a company to handle all the IT arrangements and so we need computers, servers, printers and everything like that. By the way can you get desks and other peripherals as well ?’

  Nephew's heart fluttered and he heard sleigh bells in the distance. ‘Anything you want. Anything you want….’

  ‘That's excellent; I'll send someone round tomorrow with a list’

  The next day a list dropped through his letterbox and when he read it he knew it was Christmas. Fucking Christmas! There was at least a hundred and fifty thousand pounds worth of kit on the list. And that was to him. Two hundred and fifty to them. Unbelievable. Thank fuck they hadn't noticed that slight discrepancy with the first lease. Even if they did he could say it was a mistake, blame the leasing company and make a load more on this lot. Magic. He had no ability to buy that amount of stuff off his usual suppliers as his credit wasn't that good but if he spread it around he would be fine. It wasn't as though they'd even asked for a quote. Dozy pillocks!

  The next day Brian rang again. ‘Peter we seem to have a cock up on our first lease and they have taken the lot off us up front and are still going to take the rest as they should. Could you refund the cock up and then we need to sort out payment for the rest. Now for the new stuff we don't want a lease as we have the funds available so if it's ok with you we'd like to pay cash?’

  ‘Er pardon?’

  ‘Is it ok with you if we pay cash?’

  ‘Do you mean cash…cash? Or cheque…. cash?’

  ‘We can do whatever suits you. How about half and half?’

  ‘Er ….great’

  Nephew could taste the money. He could see the new car and he had always wanted a swimming pool at home…….. He would make a bomb out of these idiots and see if he could fuck off the tax man.

  ‘I'll send someone round tomorrow to collect the lease cheque and we'll give you the address to deliver all the equipment. Oh and by the way it's quite urgent and we need it in seven days. We'll pay more if you can…….’

  What fucking pricks thought Nephew and rubbed his hands with glee as he put the phone down.

  The next day Nephew gave them the £12,000 cheque refund for the lease ‘mistake’ and got the official order for the equipment with the delivery address. He rang around all over the place and arranged to get it all delivered within seven days. He rang Brian who arranged to give him the cheque and the cash on the day it was delivered.

  On the allotted day Brian and one of his men went to Nephews office. Both carried identical briefcases. After a cup of coffee and small talk Brian rang the company that was taking delivery and confirmed it was all there. He took a cheque out of his briefcase in the name of FOFFC uk for the agreed £125,000 plus vat and signed it. He nodded to his man who opened the other brief case and showed Nephew the money.

  ‘You should count it’ said Brian ‘it's a lot of money’.

  Nephew did. He had never seen so much cash and it took a few minutes.

  ‘Thank you for your help’ said Brian and went to go but then a brick came through the office window. Nephew went to the window, looked out and saw some youths running away.

  ‘Got to go, we'll leave you to sort out the mess’ said Brian. He saw the
m to the building entrance and watched them go to their car then Nephew suddenly panicked. He had been bothered about the coincidence of the two brief cases that were exactly the same and then the brick. He needed to check the money! Quick! If he went back to his office to open his own case they would have gone and so he chased after them. He caught them at the car. ‘Sorry to bother you but I may have filled a Form in wrong that I gave you’

  ‘Its ok’ said Brian ‘another day’

  He went to get in the car but Nephew moved in front of him. ‘It would be much better if we did it now…….’

  ‘I haven't got time now….’

  ‘It'll only take a minute’ Nephew didn't move.

  Brian shrugged, put the case on the bonnet and fiddled with the tumblers. After a few moments he said ‘Having a bit of a problem; these security cases can be a bit of a bastard at times so we'll have to do it another day’

  Nephew was starting to get agitated ‘No..no…no… we'll do it now’

  Brian gave the case to the man with him and said ‘Can you do it?’

  He tried but to no avail. ‘Sorry…….’

  ‘That's it then’ said Brian ‘Fucked. Never mind we'll come back in a few days and you can sort it out then’

  ‘It has to be done now’ said Nephew in a panic and snatched the brief case which, to his amazement, opened and its contents went everywhere. There was a pen or two, the odd document, car maps and odds and sods. The men looked at Nephew who was confused. If that was the right suitcase then the one in the office ……..was full of money! Unattended! He immediately turned and ran to the office. He found it where he had left it and went to have another look at the money but decided to get rid of the glass first so he put the case in a filing cabinet and locked it securely. Half an hour later with one or two cuts on his fingers and all the glass off the carpet he went back to the cabinet and the money. He tried to open the case but it wouldn't budge. He looked and saw the tumblers. He must have moved them. Shit! Another fucking security case. Arseholes!

  In a panic he rang Brian. ‘The briefcase won't open! It must be locked somehow and I can't open it’.

  ‘Don't worry’ said Brian ‘pop round and we'll open it for you’

  The man in the car parked outside Nephews office confirmed he was on his way.

  Nephew arrived and was ushered into Brian's office. He gave the security briefcase to Brian who put the right numbers on the tumblers and it clicked open. In it Nephew could see all the money. He was visibly relieved; for one moment he thought it was a scam…..

  ‘Good’

  Brian nodded at one of the men ‘In the safe please’.

  The big man picked up the brief case and took it out of the room.

  ‘Hey, that's my money’ Nephew shouted as the briefcase disappeared. He tried to get up but was held down by two pairs of big hands on his shoulders.

  ‘That's actually our money’ said Brian ‘which we rather forgetfully left at your office and you kindly brought back to us’

  ‘No it fucking isn't’ he was now getting angry ‘it's for the fucking equipment I sold you’

  Brian looked at the other men ‘Equipment? Have you bought any equipment? I certainly haven't bought any equipment’

  ‘I've got the order! I've got the cheque!’

  He thought for a moment ‘In fact’ and he fished in his jacket pocket ‘I have them here’ and brandished them triumphantly.

  Brian took the Order. ‘The company name looks a bit familiar……FOFFC uk. Ah yes, I see it now. From my experience of doing crosswords isn't that an anagram of ‘Fuck off’?

  Nephew was a bit lost, a bit panicky, a bit angry and a bit scared. They all competed for a slice of him. What the fuck was this all about?

  ‘The cheque……’ he said holding the cheque towards them.

  Brian held out his hand to look at it but Nephew kept it from him ‘No fucking way’

  ‘That wouldn't be drawn on the same account as the Order would it Peter?’ asked Brian quietly.

  Nephew knew it was and he didn't want to look but he had to. The company name on the cheque was FOFFC uk. Oh shit! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

  ‘The equipment……? Where's my equipment?’

  ‘Equipment?’ We don't know anything about equipment other than the stuff you sold us and for which you very kindly reimbursed us for the mistake on the Lease which we appreciate’

  For a moment it looked like Nephew was going to jump at Brian but suddenly his whole body posture changed. There was a big exhale of breath, his body slumped and visibly got smaller. He was quiet for a little while. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘Well Peter’ said Brian ‘you've been a bit of a naughty boy haven't you?

  Nephew started to answer but one of the men indicated that he should shut up. ‘You have scammed our accounts lady, you have put me in my boss's bad books and much, much worse than that you haven't done your homework. And that's very naughty. You see Peter we are not little old ladies….. ‘ He spread his arms ‘do we look like little old ladies to you….?’

  A part of Nephew took over automatically and became animated and blurted out ‘I know people who will…..’

  The slap across his face was so hard and loud that it nearly made Brian jump.

  ‘I told you to shut up’ said Brian ‘and I meant it. If you talk once more you won't walk again……….. As I was saying we are not little old ladies. We know about your scams at the schools and small businesses but they are they and we are we…..’

  Brian suddenly thought that what should have sounded profound and full of heavy meaning had lost its way somewhat and even he didn't understand it. Oh well…nobody's going to point it out.

  ‘……….so this is the deal and to be democratic we are even giving you a choice.

  Plan A is you pay us compensation for the trouble you have caused us. We estimate that at ten thousand but it may be more based on where we go from here.

  Plan B is that you refuse. We take the money anyhow and break your arms.

  Plan C is that you refuse but piss us off so we take the money anyhow and then you spend the rest of eternity propping up a motorway bridge somewhere’.

  ‘You can't’ blurted out Nephew but he was stopped by another vicious slap.

  Nephew started to quietly cry. Brian raised his arms in resignation and sighed ‘Peter, we're wasting time. Do you want the options again?

  He shook his head.

  ‘So what's it to be Peter? The twenty thousand? The money and legs or the money and death?’

  ‘I'll pay the money’ said a shrunken Nephew.

  ‘Good’ said Brian ‘a good choice.

  ‘Three of my men will now take you to a bank and you will get the money. If you give us any problems whatsoever be sure we will hurt you so badly you will spend the rest of your life in hospitals and mental institutions. Do you understand?’

  Nephew nodded imperceptibly. The slap got his attention again. Brian leaned over and was face to face with Nephew

  He screamed at him ‘DO YOU UNDERSTAND!’

  ‘Yes’ he whispered.

  ‘Get him out…….’

  When they had gone a man stared at Brian.

  ‘What……..?’ asked Brian

  He kept staring

  ‘What……..?’

  ‘Hospitals and Mental Institutions?’ he said incredulously.

  Brian giggled like a child. ‘I got a bit carried away. I got a bit carried away with the whole thing really. What the fuck do I know about breaking legs and motorway bridges? I started to sound like something out of the Godfather….. I think I went a bit into Corleone mode…….’

  ‘A bit………?’

  In H's apartment he was sitting opposite Brian.

  ‘So let me get this straight. You got back the ten grand…. you got another twenty thou as a contribution off our friend Peter for our ‘inconvenience’ ……and we made about fifteen per cent on the equipment that we passed on to Malcolm the mover; that is
……….. twenty two and a half…..have I got that right?

  Brian nodded

  ‘So we are up’ he did a quick mental calculation ‘about forty five thou less the amount we lost by leasing as against doing a deal with cash which we'll call three thou and so that's forty two……..?

  Brian nodded again.

  ‘Ok’ said H ‘here's the deal. You've been a cunt and taken your eye off the ball. I don't like that and I won't tolerate it. You're paid, quite well, in fact very well to make sure we do things right and we make money and you helped us lose it. That was not our agreement. So, from today, no one in that company spends a fucking penny without a signature from you. Got it?’

  Brian nodded.

  ‘No one in that company orders a fucking thing without a signature from you. Got it?’

  Brian nodded.

  ‘And you don't act like a cunt again. Got it?’

  Brian nodded. H stood up and gave Brian an envelope.

  ‘That confirms our conversation’ said H and showed Brian to the door.

  Riding the tube back Brian opened the envelope with a touch of trepidation.

  The letter, which had been neatly typed, said

  Brian.

  Confirming conversation.

  Don't fuck up again!

  Little bonus for efficiently solving problem.

  H

  Inside he also found five thou in fifties.

  Brian smiled.

  This was why you worked for H…….

  H Chapter 28

  Boxing night

  One evening H took Benny to the Hammersmith Palais where it was ‘white collar’ boxing night. It was nothing like real boxing but wonderful entertainment nonetheless. The contestants were mainly City boys; traders, M & A, bankers, underwriters, solicitors….. There to show the world or at least their wives, girlfriends or mates (perhaps even enemies) what mettle they actually had below their suits; pin stripe or Armani.

  The ring was surrounded by dining tables seating eight per table; the men wore bow ties and the women evening gowns. It was a night when you could be sartorially glamorous but socially unrestrained. The food was excellent and champagne flowed freely.