Cold Cold Sea

by Linda Huber

  ‘Oh, Joe, love. My poor sweet boy.’

  He burst into noisy tears and Maggie held on to her remaining child as tightly as she could.

  The numbness inside her spread out again. It was as if her body knew that she couldn’t cope with so much fear. She stared down the road towards town, willing a small pink and white t-shirt to appear. This was the kind of thing that happened to other people and then you read about it in the newspaper. Child (3) missing from beach - Search for Olivia, (3), missing since... - Where is Olivia (3)?

  What might be happening to Olivia right now? Maggie leapt to her feet, and lukewarm coffee splashed over her legs as the half-empty mug she’d been holding shattered on the stony ground. Clutching her middle, she retched violently. Joe began to cry again.

  Amanda patted her back. ‘Try to keep calm. The search parties might find her quite quickly, you know.’

  Maggie nodded, forcing herself to breathe, in and out. The search parties might find her quite quickly. That was something to hold on to.

  The hours passed slowly. Maggie sat watching Joe push his cars up and down the garden path. Amanda was still with them, playing with Joe, and Maggie wondered suddenly if the younger woman was actually there to make sure no harm came to her son.

  It was late afternoon when Colin came home.

  ‘Nothing,’ he said heavily. ‘We went right along the cliff as far as the river and back up the gorge. Another party’s going out again now. I - oh God, Maggie, where is she?’

  Maggie took him in her arms, and for a few moments they stood there, hugging silently. But there was no comfort that either of them could give the other.

  At six, Howard returned.

  ‘Nothing yet,’ he said. ‘There’s no sign of Olivia, not in the sea or on the clifftop or any of the other places we’ve searched. No-one we’ve spoken to has seen her today and no-one has noticed anything unusual. The dogs were taken through the hotel but found nothing. The search will continue, of course, but at the moment there’s just no trace of her. An officer from the Special Investigations Unit is here now to interview your son; a social worker will be present at the interview too. You’ll both have to come to the police station with me to make an official statement now. We’ll bring you back afterwards.’

  Numbly, Maggie stood up. So now her son was to be interviewed by the police while she had to report her daughter missing. She caught sight of herself in the hall mirror as she passed. She looked twenty years older at least.

  Chapter Five

  This is not happening, thought Maggie, sitting limply on a plastic chair in the cheerlessly furnished interview room. It was all so grey and cold, and the strong smell of bleach was making her eyes water. Left alone with a policewoman, Maggie sat staring at her hands. She had picked her nails right down to the quick. Nothing in her life up until today had prepared her for this; there was no past experience she could draw on now to help her.

  She became aware of her clothes - crumpled t-shirt and old denim shorts, stained now with sand and sweat and vomit. What a state she was in. But that wasn’t important.

  Was Olivia still alive? Or in the sea? Washed up on some rock, being picked at by gulls? Or was she locked up somewhere, terrified?

  Footsteps sounded in the corridor, and she heard a man’s low voice.

  ‘A hundred to one she’s in the water.’

  The answering murmur was clearer.

  ‘Well, if she’s not, something a whole lot worse has happened to her.’

  It was impossible for Maggie to feel more frozen. She sat stiffly on her plastic chair until Howard came back in with a woman. He introduced her, but the woman’s name didn’t register in her mind. The first WPC closed the door with a bang that echoed down the corridor.

  Maggie told her story again. There were more questions this time.

  Exactly what happened that morning?

  ‘I don’t want to go to the beach, I don’t like rock pools. Why can’t we go to the funfair?’

  Maggie tried to sound positive, after all, she fully sympathised with her daughter’s dislike of creepy-crawly crabs and limpets.

  ‘I know darling, and we’ll go to the funfair this afternoon, I promise. But the tide will be too far in later for the pools.’

  ‘Joe always gets to do more things with Daddy.’

  Olivia’s voice couldn’t possibly have been more petulant and Maggie felt her patience wane.

  ‘Oh Livvy, that’s nonsense, sweetie. You know Daddy enjoys doing things with you both,’ she said, forcing herself to sound upbeat. ‘Anyway, don’t you like being with me, too?’

  ‘But that’s not special,’ said Olivia, with her almost-four-year-old’s brutal logic. ‘You’re always there.’

  The fate of the stay-at-home mother, thought Maggie, wryly acknowledging the little twist of pain inside her. She had always felt that she was lucky, not everyone could afford to stay at home with their children. But somehow, by devoting herself to Joe and Olivia, she had become ‘not special’.

  Leading Olivia down the cliff path, Maggie deliberately tried to look on the bright side. Wait until she gets to puberty, she told herself. Then you’ll learn all about foul moods. And Livvy was a happy little soul most of the time, look how she was chattering away again now. ‘Being with Daddy’ was forgotten for the moment.

  ‘Off you go and do your pools, you boys,’ she said, when they were all standing on the fine yellow sand. ‘We’ll camp in the ring.’

  Joe dashed off towards his favourite rock pools beneath the cliffs, followed by Colin. Looking down at Olivia, Maggie saw that her bottom lip was trembling again.

  ‘So you and Olivia were left alone?’

  Maggie hesitated. There was a definite edge to the other woman’s voice.

  ‘Yes. We made a sandcastle and then... ’

  ‘And then Olivia “went to join her father” - but she apparently ran off instead. Has she ever run away before, Mrs Granger?’

  God, no, of course not. She’s not even four yet, she’s not at the running away stage. Maggie heard the words in her head as clearly as if she’d actually spoken them, but all she said was ‘No.’ Even in her own ears she didn’t sound convincing.

  ‘Why didn’t Olivia choose to stay with you, if she didn’t like the rock pools?’

  Maggie bit her lip. ‘She wanted to be with her daddy. You know what kids are like. She was cross because Col and Joe enjoyed the rock pools and she didn’t. That’s all.’

  The detective didn’t look as if she knew in the slightest what kids were like. She stared at Maggie, and Maggie flinched both at the tone of the other woman’s voice and at the question.

  ‘And were you cross too, Mrs Granger?’

  Maggie picked at her nails again, determined not to break down in front of this woman. ‘No. Well, I was a bit annoyed because she wouldn’t stay with me. She’s such a Daddy’s girl just now. She said I was not special.’

  ‘Ah,’ said the detective, and Maggie winced again.

  Oh, God, she shouldn’t have said that, she loved having a little girl. And they had started trying for number three. How Livvy would enjoy helping with a baby. It would be a real mother-daughter thing for them. Dear God they just had to find her Livvy safe. Why wasn’t Howard asking the questions anymore? And what the fuck had all this to do with finding her daughter? Shouldn’t they all be out searching, not sitting about here asking misleading questions?

  ‘And when Olivia went to join her father you didn’t go with her? And you didn’t watch her all the way?’

  The insinuation was clear - she was a God-awful mother. Which of course was absolutely correct. She was to blame for whatever had happened to Olivia. Should she ask for a lawyer? Would she end up in a prison cell tonight? And Christ almighty where was her daughter?

  Fear for Livvy made it difficult to breathe, and Maggie’s mouth filled with saliva, which she swallowed down, knowing it would soon make her sick. Weakness spread through her, but she forced herself to reply.
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  ‘No. But, the beach was empty. I - ’

  ‘Mrs Granger, are you sure Olivia did go across the beach to her father and brother? I can’t help feeling they would have noticed her running across the sands towards them. What really happened this morning, Mrs Granger?’

  The question knocked the wind out of her. Oh my God, thought Maggie, feeling the acid in her stomach shift. They think I harmed Olivia.

  Chapter Six

  ‘Don’t worry about me, Phillip. I know you have to go back to Jennifer.’

  Phillip jumped. He hadn’t realised that Gran was awake. She had slept on and off all afternoon, giving him plenty of opportunity to plan. The different time zones meant he still hadn’t been able to talk to Jennifer, but he had made the decision for her, and hopefully she’d agree.

  ‘I’m going to fly home and bring her back here,’ he said, leaning over to give his Gran’s hand a quick squeeze. ‘Yes, I know it’ll probably take a general anaesthetic to get her on the plane but we’ll manage, don’t worry. Then we’ll both be here to cheer you on.’

  And he needed to be there to cheer her on, he realised. She had been his parent, really. He didn’t feel he’d missed out on anything.

  She nodded, her eyes sliding towards the locker on the other side of the bed.

  ‘There’s a candle in my handbag, I saw it in one of the tourist shops before I conked out the other day and I thought it would be just the thing for Hailey’s birthday. Let’s light it, darling.’

  Phillip gave her the handbag and she produced one of those seaside candles, mass-produced for holiday-makers wanting something pretty to take home with them. A couple of sea-horses and some green aquatic plants were drawn on sea-blue wax and Gran was right, Hailey would have loved it. They sat watching it burn until one of the nurses came in and pointed out apologetically that candles weren’t allowed.

  Phillip snuffed it out and rose to leave. Gran was half-asleep again and visiting was nearly over anyway. He would go back to the apartment and wait until it was midnight. Surely Jennifer would be home at seven in the morning to answer the landline, even if her mobile was still switched off? It was a pity she’d never gotten into skyping. She really was the world’s worst technophobe.

  Gran’s apartment was on the ninth floor, five good-sized rooms and two balconies, one overlooking the park and the other with a splendid view of the ocean. Of course he never sat there now, the park was all the view he wanted. Phillip cracked open a can of beer and flopped into the lounger. Christ, he was dead on his feet, how on earth was he going to stay awake for another four hours to phone Jennifer? But he had to talk to her, there were plans to be made, and more importantly he had to reassure himself that she really was as ‘fine’ as he’d assured Gran.

  Hailey. It seemed like yesterday. The memories played round his head, he couldn’t switch them off and the pain was as sharp tonight as it had been two years ago. Back then he had hardly been able to believe that such a dreadful thing was happening to them, a completely normal family who had done nothing to deserve such anguish.

  For days afterwards, Jennifer had sat on a corner of the sofa, moaning softly to herself. It was the start of what she still referred to as ‘the Black Patch’, like some innocuous frozen puddle on the pavement. She hadn’t spoken, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t even gone to bed, and in the end the doctor had sent her to a psychiatric hospital. While she was there, Phillip sold the house in Torquay and bought a new place in Truro, well away from the sea and with no agonising memories to contend with. His buy had been a success, because just a couple of weeks after coming home from hospital, Jennifer had woken up one morning and been right back to her old self. Confident and energetic, as if nothing had ever happened.

  Except... Phillip forced himself to remember the truth.

  It hadn’t really been her old self; the post-Black Patch Jennifer had been subtly different. The woman he’d fallen in love with had been clever, witty, confident, an able woman and a beautiful one, in command of a chain of estate agents. This new Jennifer was harder. Brittle. She never talked about their old life, it was as if she’d erased the memories from her mind. But then, it was only natural that she wasn’t the same person as before. He had changed too.

  In the end he didn’t have to wait up late to talk to his wife. Just half an hour later he was determinedly doing the crossword and nibbling garlic bread when his mobile rang in the kitchen.

  It was Jennifer, he saw in disbelief, lifting his phone. She was calling him at half past four in the morning, her time. Was she still taking her meds?

  ‘Jennifer, honey - how are you?’

  He was careful to keep his voice normal, friendly. Overly-concerned people always infuriated Jennifer.

  ‘Phillip! I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d call you. I saw you’d phoned earlier, thank you, darling. It’s a bad day to be apart, isn’t it?’

  She was alright. Phillip breathed out slowly, only now realising just how worried he’d been.

  ‘It is. Gran and I lit a candle. Were you okay, honey?’

  ‘I was out with Thea, and I’m staying at hers for the moment, so you don’t need to worry at all,’ she said.

  Phillip closed his eyes in relief. Thea had known Jennifer since they were teenagers at school; he could depend on her to keep an eye on things.

  Jennifer wasn’t finished yet.

  ‘You remember that house in Polpayne that we talked about last spring? Well it was still on the market so I put an offer in. And you’ll never guess what darling, it’s been accepted! I’m having it done up so it’ll be perfect for us, you’ll see. You’re going to love it.’

  Warning bells rang in Phillip’s head. Their house in Truro wasn’t ideal and they’d been talking about another move for a while. But this was all very sudden. And once Jennifer had a new house project underway, she wouldn’t be keen on leaving the UK. He tried to explain, carefully.

  Jennifer listened to the story of his Gran’s cancer and his proposal that he should come and get her.

  ‘Heavens, no, darling! You stay as long as you have to with darling Gran, it’s you she needs near her at a time like this. I’ll have plenty to do getting the house ready. And now I have to go, get some more beauty sleep before the new day starts. Take care, darling!’

  The line went dead. Phillip stared at his phone. Well, Jennifer was okay, so much was clear. In fact she had sounded a lot brighter than most people would so early in the morning. And maybe it was better if it was just him and Gran for a bit. The doctor had scheduled her in for radiotherapy, and if this worked he could go back to England in a couple of weeks and persuade Jennifer to come here for a while.

  He showered and lay down on his bed, thinking sad, idle thoughts and listening to the sounds of Winchester Beach settling down for the night. Thank God Thea was there in England for Jennifer. Now he could be here in the States for Gran with a clear conscience.

  If only someone had been there for Hailey.

  Chapter Seven

  She would have said they had a good marriage. They talked to each other, and they made a point of having a ‘date night’ every few weeks. They went away together for short breaks, leaving Joe and Livvy with the grandparents. Everyone thought they were rock solid.

  But apparently they weren’t. Colin was sitting on the arm of her chair in the police station, his hand on her shoulder, but he wasn’t looking at her and he wasn’t talking to her and if there hadn’t been a policewoman in with them he might not have sat down anywhere near her. But for the moment his presence alone was almost enough for her. Almost.

  They’d brought her to this larger, more comfortable room after she’d been sick on the interview room floor, and for the first time since Olivia had gone missing, Maggie had shed quiet, helpless tears. The police doctor came and gave her two pills to swallow with the tea that arrived with him. She could hardly hold the mug, her hands were trembling so much, and she was so cold, her feet were freezing. The shaking subsided as the pills took eff
ect, and Maggie felt her body relax. Everything was going fuzzy round the edges. It was comforting, if anything could be comforting today. When Howard arrived with Colin she was able to speak again.

  ‘Where’s Joe?’

  ‘At your cottage playing with Amanda,’ said Howard. ‘They interviewed him. He said he noticed Olivia, probably after she’d been dancing round her sandcastle. She was looking at something in the sand. But then he turned back to the pools and he didn’t see her again.’

  Maggie shivered. Livvy must have been on her way to the pools - or the cliff path. Minutes passed. The police had left them alone. Colin didn’t say anything more and neither did she at first. There was nothing to say. But she had to explain why she’d been so sick. Maggie blew her nose.

  ‘I - I thought they thought I’d harmed her,’ she said. ‘And maybe they did and they were right, weren’t they? It was all my fault, I didn’t look after her properly.’

  ‘Let’s just wait for now,’ said Colin. ‘Just believe they’ll find her safe.’

  Maggie clasped cold hands as if she were praying, though she really couldn’t remember the last time she’d prayed. She knew she couldn’t even hope any longer that Livvy was safe. The harrowing thoughts that were banging around in her head were hers alone. She couldn’t share them with Colin. If he still had hope, she couldn’t take it from him. She would be condemning him to the same hell she was in herself.

  Howard came back in. ‘The search groups have reported back,’ he said. ‘There’s nothing yet, even the dogs haven’t picked up a scent more than a few feet from your cottage.’

  He looked at them with his sad eyes and went on gently. ‘I’m sorry this was such an ordeal for you, Mrs Granger. Your statements are ready to sign, and there’s a car waiting to take you both home. I’ll be round first thing.’

  Back at Cove Cottage, Joe and Amanda were playing Memory. Joe ran to Maggie, and she held him close, feeling his sturdy little body warm against her own.

  ‘Mummy, where’s Livvy?’