Cold Cold Sea

by Linda Huber

  ‘Yes,’ said Maggie, closing her eyes. Of course he was right, he must be. ‘Oh, Howard, I wish we had her back.’

  ‘I wish you did too,’ said Howard, and she could picture his sad, lined face.

  The doorbell rang as she put the phone down, and she went to answer it, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

  It was Sue, back from dropping the kids off and complete with baby under one arm and two-year-old following on behind. She looked keenly at Maggie and then walked in, dropping a large bag on the hall floor.

  ‘I see you heard the news. We’ve come to keep you company for a while,’ she said, handing the baby to Maggie. ‘No arguments, Mags. I know you’re not working today, and you shouldn’t be alone.’

  Maggie found that she was grateful. It was good to have a friend here, making coffee and chatting to her, filling the silence. It was comforting to sit holding Rosie and smell her warm baby smell, and watch little Liam run around. But all the while crazy, painful thoughts were spinning round her mind, thoughts about poor lost Carla and her own lost Olivia.

  At ten past ten the phone rang. Maggie reached for it, somehow certain that it would be Howard.

  ‘They’ve got Carla, she had run off,’ he said briefly. ‘She found her way into a back shop, got locked in and spent the night there. The owner opened it an hour ago and there she was. So it was nothing to do with Olivia.’

  ‘Good,’ said Maggie. ‘Good for them and good for us, too. Oh God, Howard, all I wish is that we knew for sure that Livvy - ’

  She couldn’t continue, she couldn’t bring herself to say aloud that she wished she knew for sure that her daughter had drowned. What had Livvy ever done to deserve this, what had any of them done?

  And why had the Grahams, who would be an ordinary family no different to her own, doing ordinary things like visiting a castle - why had they got their little girl back, and she and Colin hadn’t? It just wasn’t fair, and there would never be any answers.

  Howard was speaking again.

  ‘I know. I do know,’ he said. ‘Maggie, you have to accept, inside yourself, that Livvy drowned. This will happen again, you know, and sometimes the worst does happen. Little girls go missing, and sometimes they are abducted and abused. Maggie, Olivia drowned.’

  ‘I know,’ said Maggie. ‘It’s okay. Thanks, Howard, for everything. I’ll phone you later in the week.’

  She put the phone down and began to weep. Those Grahams just didn’t know, they couldn’t know how lucky they were. But she shouldn’t be feeling all this resentment because a seven-year-old child had been found safe. Grief and guilt welled up all over again. Sue patted her back, not attempting to stop the flow of tears.

  To Maggie’s alarm she felt the scream rise inside her. Shaking on the sofa, she could hear herself moaning as it came closer, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

  ‘Livvy! Oh, God, Li - ivvy - y -y!’

  Sobs shook her, then gradually subsided. She could see again now, Sue’s concerned face and Liam’s amazed little one.

  ‘You’re okay. Just sit quietly for a moment,’ said Sue, her voice shaking too.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ was all Maggie could manage. Slowly, she leaned back into the sofa.

  ‘Take your time,’ said Sue, handing her a tissue.

  After a while, Maggie sat straighter and wiped her face. She took a deep breath, feeling the air flow into her lungs, bringing unexpected peace. She sat there breathing, in and out, and suddenly she knew that this had been the last time. She wouldn’t lose control and scream again, that part of the grief process was over. She would cry, the tears would come and they would never completely stop - but the uncontrollable, piercing agony was gone.

  And of course, everything Howard had said was right, and she had to deal with that. She turned to Sue.

  ‘We’ll be having a memorial quite soon, for Livvy,’ she said, smiling through tears. ‘I want it to be as cheerful as possible. To show how much we loved Olivia.’

  It was time. Colin would agree, she knew. A goodbye service, sometime after Christmas, because they would need to plan it all carefully and get it just right. It would be the last thing she could ever do for her daughter.

  Chapter Four

  At lunchtime, Katie saw her fourteen remaining pupils off in the direction of the dining room, and went to find Nora.

  ‘Hailey’s gone home,’ said Nora, when Katie put her head round the sick room door. ‘I phoned her dad and he came to collect her. She was getting better, but I thought a day at home wouldn’t harm her.’

  ‘Good,’ said Katie. ‘Nora, what on earth is it - some kind of fit? She looked so out of it. Did you see the mark on her face?’

  Nora looked at her, frowning. ‘I don’t know, Katie. I don’t think it was a fit this time either. I told Mr Marshall she should be given a thorough check-up. I only hope he sees to it.’

  ‘Yes.’ Katie turned to the door again. ‘It’s just funny, when her dad’s back and she’s so much happier. ’

  Nora shrugged. ‘It could simply be a reaction to all those things that have happened in her life recently, plus the fact that until she came here, no-one was helping her to deal with them. I’ve never seen a child react like she does.’

  ‘You and me both. I think I’ll stop by her home after school. Just ring the bell and say I was passing and see how she is.’

  ‘You do that,’ said Nora. ‘But Katie, don’t forget that every child gets a bang now and then. Don’t overreact.’

  ‘I know,’ said Katie. ‘But I’ll go anyway. It’ll only take a few minutes.’

  ‘Right. And now I’d better get along to the dining room before all your other little darlings start a war with their lunch. Don’t worry, Katie, Hailey’s dad is obviously helping her a lot. She’ll be fine in the end, I’m sure.’

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ said Katie, turning towards the staffroom and her own lunch.

  After school Katie drove home quickly to change, and bought an African Violet for Hailey at the shop on the corner. By half past four she was ringing the Marshalls’ front door bell.

  Hailey opened the door, looking more like her normal self.

  ‘I saw you get out of your car,’ she said, standing back to let Katie into the hallway. ‘Daddy says come through to the sitting room. Mummy’s upstairs resting.’

  ‘Thank you. Are you better now?’

  Katie presented Hailey with the plant, kissing the little girl’s forehead when she nodded and beamed, obviously delighted with her gift.

  Katie followed her into the sitting room and stood still. Phillip Marshall was on the sofa, giving one of the babies a bottle. The other was lying in a carrycot beside him, gurgling placidly.

  ‘Oh! What darlings!’ Katie felt a lump form in her throat. She reached out with one finger and stroked a soft cheek.

  Phillip Marshall smiled at her, and Katie noticed that he seemed much less nervous here in his own home. He deposited baby and bottle into the corner of the sofa, surrounded by cushions, and reached into the carrycot.

  ‘If you take a seat, I’ll pass you Daniel while Lara’s finishing her bottle. She’s a lazy thing - takes twice as long over her grub as Daniel.’

  Katie accepted the baby and sat there, her eyes moist.

  ‘Hailey’s fine now, as you see,’ said Phillip. ‘I’ll take her to the doctor, but I’m sure there’s nothing wrong. She was just upset about the lost albums, but we bought her two lovely big new ones on the way home, didn’t we, toots? And we’ve taken the first photos to fill them up fast.’

  He grinned at Hailey and she smiled back.

  ‘I gave Daniel his bottle at lunchtime,’ said Hailey, leaning against Katie’s arm and stroking the baby’s head. ‘They are nice babies, aren’t they, Miss McLure?’

  ‘They’re just gorgeous. I’ve never seen such little charmers,’ Katie told her, watching as Phillip patted Lara’s back until the baby gave a loud burp. He’s a good father, she thought. He’s good with the babies a
nd he’s good with Hailey too.

  Back in the car, she thought about the family scene she had just witnessed. She knew she wasn’t supposed to get emotionally involved, but Hailey seemed different, somehow.

  And if she ever had children herself, thought Katie, she would make very sure that neither important bears nor photo albums were mislaid anywhere along the way. And all family cats would stay around until they’d lost every one of their nine lives.

  Chapter Five

  The Last Day

  A van driving past outside woke Jennifer, and she stretched luxuriously before turning to gaze into the two cribs, both on her side of the bed. The babies were still asleep, and Jennifer smiled fondly.

  They were four weeks old now, and they were the most important things in the world. Not things, of course. They her own little people, to love and to hold and to cherish. She could lie here beside them forever, watching over them, protecting them.

  Jennifer pulled the duvet around her, not taking her eyes off the babies. A mother - she was a mother of twins. She had given them life. No power was greater.

  Phillip, still asleep beside her, turned on his back and began to snore. Jennifer’s pleasure vanished instantly and she frowned. He could be so inconsiderate. He mustn’t disturb the babies. She gave him a little push, then a bigger one when he snored on. At last she lifted her pillow, placed it on his face and pressed. Phillip grunted and pushed it away.

  ‘Hey!’ he protested, sitting up and glaring at her.

  ‘Sh! Don’t wake the babies!’ hissed Jennifer.

  ‘I won’t, but the babies woke me twice last night,’ said Phillip. ‘And you didn’t move a muscle. Didn’t you hear them?’

  ‘I was up with them too,’ said Jennifer, chin in the air. ‘But I need to rest, you know. Don’t forget I was the one who gave birth to them.’

  Phillip rolled out of bed. ‘Oh, let’s not fight about it,’ he said, walking round the bed to look into the cribs. ‘They’re worth it all, aren’t they?’ He picked up his bathrobe and went out to the landing.

  Jennifer got up more slowly, glad that he was going to shower in Hailey’s bathroom rather than risk waking the babies by using the en-suite. She went downstairs and prepared two bottles, then took them up again when a cry from above told her that Daniel was awake.

  Checking that Lara was still asleep, she changed Daniel’s nappy and put a bottle into his crib with him, propping it up with a pillow.

  ‘There you are, my darling. And now - my little princess.’

  She lifted Lara, who was starting to whimper, and kissed her daughter’s soft cheek. ‘It’s alright, my love, Mummy’s here,’ she crooned, humming as she changed the baby and carried her over to the rocking chair by the window.

  This was the part she liked best - just her and her little girl. Her own little Lara Grace.

  ‘Mummy’s precious darling. My sweet little angel. You won’t go away and leave Mummy, will you, Angel? You’ll stay Mummy’s own girl, always.’

  Chapter Six

  ‘Well, ladies. It’s Saturday morning and the sun’s shining. What would you like to do today?’

  Phillip spread Hailey’s toast with peanut butter – Jennifer was always so angry if Hailey messed her clothes or the table, it was easier if he just did things like this for her – and passed it to the little girl.

  ‘There you are, honey. What do you think, Jennifer? It’s mild out, how about a walk in the park? Or shopping? Or shall we just stay home and relax?’

  Jennifer worried him more and more. She was so withdrawn. She rarely spoke, and often she didn’t seem to hear him when he spoke to her. Or she didn’t reply, anyway. And it had got worse over the last few days, too. She would sit smiling away to herself, sometimes she even laughed out loud. The only thing she was sure to react to was a cry from one of the babies.

  But he’d noticed that she was strange with them too now. This morning he’d found her feeding Lara in the bedroom, holding her so tightly the poor little thing could hardly breathe, let alone drink her bottle, but Jennifer had noticed nothing. She’d been locked away in some daydream, rocking in the chair and singing some queer chant. He’d given her shoulder a quick tap, and she’d smiled down at Lara and relaxed. But what if he hadn’t been there? And more worryingly, she hadn’t reacted to him at all - just to Lara. Meanwhile, Daniel was lying there whimpering because his bottle of milk had spilt half its contents into the crib.

  And then there was the way Jennifer had half smothered him with her pillow that morning. The expression in her eyes then had frightened him for a moment. This woman was supposed to be his wife, and he loved her. But there was almost nothing of the old Jennifer there now.

  He was afraid. Terrified they were going to lose everything. The fog had disappeared completely; he knew exactly what he had done. He was passing an abducted child off as his own, and he wasn’t getting help for his disturbed wife. But if he involved other people now he would go to prison, Jennifer would be sent to a psychiatric hospital, the babies would end up God knows where and Hailey wouldn’t be his Hailey any longer. And it was all down to Jennifer.

  He knew now that this was much worse than the Black Patch. God knows she’d had reason to be withdrawn and depressed back then, but now, now that she had her own babies, plus Hailey, she had somehow lost touch with reality. Her world wasn’t the world around her, and he didn’t know how to help her. But he had to try.

  Determinedly, he tried to jolly her out of her preoccupation.

  ‘Want to go shopping, Jennifer?’

  This time she heard him, and turned over-bright eyes towards him.

  ‘Oh yes,’ she said, laughing across the table at him, and he cringed. ‘We need lots and lots of baby clothes. The darlings are growing so quickly. We’ll go to that big new baby shop in Newquay, you know the one.’

  He didn’t, but at least they were conversing now.

  ‘Good idea. I expect Hailey needs some winter things too.’

  Jennifer looked right through Hailey and Phillip’s heart sank even further. The only people Jennifer cared about now were the babies. Lara in particular.

  He still had no idea what to do. All he knew was he had to keep things normal. That might force Jennifer into doing normal things too.

  ‘I know,’ he said aloud, grinning frantically at Hailey, who was staring with wide eyes. ‘We’ll all go for lunch at the Mill Hotel in Newquay. Then we’ll go to the baby shop. And afterwards I’ll drop you and the twins back here, darling, and Hailey and I’ll go to Polpayne market for fruit.’

  Hailey touched his sleeve. ‘Miss McLure said again about the jeans,’ she said. ‘We’re going out in the garden next week and the others all have jeans.’

  ‘You have plenty of beautiful dresses,’ snapped Jennifer, leaning across the table and thumping Hailey on the nose so suddenly that Phillip had no chance to stop her. ‘No little girl needs jeans.’ She rose and marched through to the babies in the living room.

  ‘Jennifer!’

  Hailey touched her face, where blood was streaming from her nose and smearing across her mouth, her eyes huge and terrified. But she made no sound and Phillip knew that this could only mean she was afraid to cry.

  ‘It’s okay, sweetheart. Let me see.’

  He grabbed the tea towel and wiped Hailey’s face before pinching her nose shut to stop the bleeding. Still silent, she allowed him to press firmly, which was reassuring in a way as it meant the nose couldn’t be broken. After a few moments he looked. The bleeding had stopped, and he rose and filled a glass with cold water.

  ‘Sip this, honey. You’ll be fine in a minute.’

  Hailey sipped, her teeth chattering against the glass. Phillip sat rubbing her back, looking through to the living room where Jennifer was rocking one of the babies.

  He needed to take her to a doctor. This couldn’t go on.

  Jennifer walked back into the kitchen, Lara in her arms, and Hailey immediately ran upstairs.

  Phillip fo
und he couldn’t look at his wife. He loaded the dishwasher and then went up to see what Hailey was doing. He found her huddled right underneath her duvet, sobbing quietly, blood trickling from her nose again and staining the sheet.

  ‘Come on, sweetheart. Let’s hold this tight for a minute or two. Hailey, Mummy really isn’t well. I’m going to take her to a new doctor on - on Monday, but for now we have to keep her happy. Okay? Nothing bad will happen if she’s happy.’

  Hailey nodded. Phillip waited until the bleeding had stopped, then washed her face in cold water, glad to see that apart from some slight swelling the nose looked alright.

  Hailey held his hand tightly as they went downstairs. Phillip let her help wash the car, bringing a smile to her face again, then chivvied Jennifer into getting herself and the babies dressed to go out. She sang happily while she was dressing, and Phillip felt the tension inside him loosen slightly. His plan was working, they were doing normal family things and Jennifer was happy. It would be alright, it would.

  The Mill Hotel was busy with lunchtime guests, but Phillip had reserved a table by the window. He settled Hailey beside him, with Jennifer and the twin buggy opposite. Hailey looked round the room, a faint smile pulling at her lips, and a lump came into Phillip’s throat. I love her, he thought suddenly. I really do love her. We can get through this.

  His positive moment was short-lived. Try as he might, Phillip couldn’t get any kind of conversation started with Jennifer. She didn’t answer, she simply didn’t seem to understand that she should reply to his comments. He rubbed one hand over his face. She had hummed and sung most of the morning at home, and now she was refusing to utter a word. But the singing hadn’t been normal either, he thought dully. Jennifer never used to sing about the house.