Inritia shrugs, her face hard, tight, “I have no idea what you’re on about. I do know that often I wished my mother had sent me Downstream too. It’s got to be better than this. Who knows what I will end up with. Some hopeless Mansit, with no chance of ever climbing the social ladder. Someone just back from beyond the hills, under constant surveillance, yellow and with a short life ahead of him. I’d have to rush to get three children that are acceptable with someone like that.” Her face is definitely bitter now, bitter and fierce, the words sounding desperate and filled with despair. Gax dips his head in sympathy, although he doesn’t understand the last bit. Why rush? Why three? Why… He can’t ask her, of course. Inritia gives a loud sniff, then gets up, and walks out of the staffroom. Gax gets two clean cloths and follows her. It being Onesday the shelves will be terrible.
Chapter 28
Despite the Onesday mess, Gax is feeling renewed and refreshed; life is looking different. No longer does he feel he is walking under a dark cloud, but the sun has come out again, making him smile and full of joy. He hums quietly as he dusts the shelves, aware of it, knowing that it’s most certainly a song that isn’t on the approved list. Not being able to access his Book bothers him and looking at the shelves full of books reminds him of that. Gax keeps an eye out on books about children, having children, raising children, anything that will answer his questions. There are a few about the importance of raising healthy, logical children, but these books all seem to be aimed at toddler aged or older children. Gax frowns a little. Surely there will be baby books?
It is a quiet day, with only a few customers, none of them coming near Gax. He hesitates, then decides to be bold and find a way to reach those people. He manages to work his way along shelves closer to the older man looking at stationary. When the man looks up, Gax raises his chin with a helpful smile. The man raises his chin as well, but narrows his eyes in suspicion. “I don’t think I have seen you here before,” Gax says, keeping his voice soft and conversational. “I hope you find what you are looking for.” The man dips his head, still staring at Gax, weighing him up.
“I normally work on Onesday,” he finally says, “but I just had my Age Day, so I now get mornings off, and I’m trying to use my time wisely. It feels…strange, but I don’t want to lose my usefulness, I’m too young for that. I thought I’d look round here.”
Gax nods, he can understand that. After all, nobody wants to feel useless. “It’s good to show an interest in something new, it keeps the mind young,” he says to the man.
“Yes, yes, exactly. My father went um…Downstream before his time, really, so I’m working hard to improve our family’s genetics. We did have three children,” his voice sounds proud, and Gax groans inwardly. Three children again. What has he missed about that? “My children must have a good chance though, so I want to try and achieve as much as I can before, well, before time.” The man tries to look pleased with his decision, but Gax sees a strange emotion in the man’s eye. Is he afraid he will go downhill quickly, like his father?
“I understand,” Gax says, his smile a little sad, for he understands more than the man can realise. “Well, I hope you will find meaning in whatever you choose to do. Nobody knows what the future holds, or how many moons and days we will be given.” He stops, for the fear is no longer just a hint in the man’s eyes, but plastered all over his face, his bent hands shaking. Gax raises his chin in sympathy, and returns to his dusting.
Grabus opens his mouth, then shuts it with a snap when Gax walks past him at the end of the day, raising his chin at the manager, wishing him a good evening. His eyes are angry though, staring after Gax even when he has disappeared down the road. Gax senses the manager’s anger, but decides to ignore it, to pretend that he doesn’t notice, even though it leaves his stomach rumbling.
What if… No, he isn’t going down that route, not today, not anymore. He fights hard to overcome his fears and worries, reminding himself that whoever rules himself is stronger than he who takes a city, even a walled city. Gax takes his time outside, delaying his return home where he will be watched by the cameras. He is sure that whoever is watching him now is some distance away, which makes him feel safe enough to hum songs and whisper verses from his Book to himself, reminding his soul and uplifting his heart.
He gets back for dinner, sorts his bag out for the gymnasium, thanking Yulra when she tells him it’s time for him to go. He keeps his face straight, as he doesn’t want the watchers through the camera to pick up on his happy mood. He is really looking forward to this evening, as he knows that Caecilia is not against him and hasn’t forgotten him. His workout is fast but hard, leaving his body tired and his mind energised.
He walks into the cooling down room and takes the mat next to Caecilia. Her eyes light up, then warn him not to contact her at all. So he focusses on his cooling down stretching. He knows he has worked hard and he doesn’t want to be sore the following day. Caecilia sneezes and he looks at her. She sneezes again and again and the third time a tiny white something lands on his mat, right next to his hand. He freezes for a second, disgusted. Then he recognises the white dot. It’s a speck of paper, tightly folded. He carefully places his hand on top, his thumb pushing the tiny object between his fingers safely.
Gax doesn’t look at Caecilia at all, not even when she gets up and leaves, solely focussed on his tired muscles. His heart is banging away though, but not as a result of the last bit of hard work in the gym. Caecilia has left him a note and judging by the way she did it, it was a risky thing to do!
He can’t wait to get out of the cooling down room to the private bathrooms to check the note, but he doesn’t want to draw attention to them both. He finally gets out and taking his bag walks calmly through the door. Once he is safely behind a locked bathroom door, bending over his hand, he very carefully unwraps the tiny scrap of paper. It says, “No watch between 12-4. Tower.”
Gax just stares at the scrap of paper. There is no watch during those hours, meaning he could get away and nobody would know? There really is no surveillance, is that what it means? Caecilia wants to meet him at the tower? Tonight presumably. He gasps, struggling to catch his breath, the possibilities suddenly opening up. He feels so excited and does a very quiet fist pump and mouths a hurray shout. He is meeting with Caecilia. He reads the note again. It does make sense, he supposes. Watching someone in the middle of the night must seem a waste of resources. How does Caecilia know? Presumably it isn’t common knowledge?
He walks home enthusiastically. He pulls his face straight and takes a deep breath before walking into the house. He empties his bag, goes through all the normal actions and goes to bed early. He lies in the dark, excited beyond belief, then feeling a little silly. Until he gives a tiny soft gasp. How will he wake up in time? How will he know it’s midnight? He can’t ask Yulra.
Gax twists and turns in bed, wondering how to wake up in time. In the end he decides he will just have to stay awake. He lies on his back, making sure to keep his eyes wide open, wondering how long he will manage to keep this up. Then he sits up with a shock. The kitchen timer! There is a metal kitchen timer, large and clunky, he has never used. Gax sneaks out of bed, softly pads downstairs and finds the timer. He takes it into the bathroom and turns the grubby dial face to two hours, the maximum time, and softly goes back upstairs, after flushing the toilet, to justify his getting up. He hides the alarm under his pyjamas. Once he is back in bed he carefully slides it under his pillow.
The alarm isn’t loud, as the pillow muffles the sound, but it does shake and rattle his head, waking him up. He stops the noise, winds the timer up and goes back to sleep, excitement making him shiver. The final time comes and Gax knows it has just turned midnight. He waits a few more minutes, not sure how conscientious the watcher is, although people in Elabi seem keen to leave work on the dot.
He gets dressed in the dark, making sure to move as slowly and carefully as he can. He carries his sandals downstairs, makes his way to the door, unlocking it. Th
e key squeaks a little and Gax hesitates. Would they hear that? Would the watcher still be in the computer room, or where ever they are watching him? Will this get through? Have the cameras got night vision? In the end he decides to carry on anyway. He slips out of the door, breathing in the night air like an escaped prisoner who hasn’t been outside for weeks.
The air is fresh as Gax picks his way to the quiet main road, staying in the shadows. His sandals make soft crunching noises and he hits himself for the head. He should have worn his boots! Never mind, it’s too late now and anyway they are well hidden. His breath stutters for a moment. Hidden! Will they have been found when they searched the house? He never thought to check for his boots. What if they found them? His heart starts beating wildly and part of him wants to turn back to check it out. His boots will give him away, as they are made of materials not found in Elabi. His Bergen is made of woven cloth to blend in, but finding Elabi style boots was impossible. Maybe he should turn back. He doesn’t want to delay getting to the tower though, for he doesn’t know if Caecilia will wait. He doesn’t even know if she will be there. Is there time to go back? “Be logical,” Gax tells himself, shuddering a little.
The walk to the stone tower feels endless. Walking in the dark, wearing sandals, he stubs toes against various rocks and goes past the path, not spotting the entrance in the dark. Finally he recognises the bit of road that he is on, realising he must have gone past the entrance. He turns back and goes down the narrow path, feeling his stomach churn in time with each step. He has not seen Caecilia for many moons. What will she say? Will she have changed? Will she have entered the Nuptialem List? Will she remember the last time they spoke?
He loses focus and trips on a large rock. The fall knocks out his breath and Gax lies on the path, stunned, dust on his lips and in his nose, making him sputter a little. In the darkness ahead something moves and Gax is suddenly afraid. What if it was a trap? Has he just avoided some ambush?
After a few seconds the soft sound is heard again, then a very low voice, more a breath than a whisper says, “Gax? Gax, is that you? Who is there?”
Chapter 29
It is Caecilia’s voice. Gax manages a grunt, then getting to his knees he whispers, “It’s me, Caecilia, sorry, I tripped!” It is quiet for a second, then he hears her giggle. Gax frowns in pain. He opens his mouth to elaborate, tell her how hurt he is, then decides against it. He gets up, searching the darkness for her. He makes out her shape and carefully walks towards her. Together they take the path to the tower. Once inside, Gax pulls his small lightweight torch from his pocket. He shields the light with his hand, but the difference is enormous. They can see each other, Caecilia’s eyes darker than ever, but gleaming with excitement.
“I’m so glad you came,” she whispers, her eyes drifting between his face and the torch. “I wasn’t sure that you would get the note, understand that it was a note I mean. It was so small, and done in such an…um…gross way,” she starts giggling again and Gax snorts. Gax enjoys looking at her, hearing her lilting voice. “Why the note?” he asks.
“Macia told me,” Caecilia explains, “we were talking the other day when she told me about the night watchers getting off duty in the night for a few hours. Of course, it’s top secret, otherwise, well, night time would get interesting! I do believe the raid on those sent beyond the hills several moons ago was during the night though. Those people must have found the same loophole.”
Gax nods, “Keeping something like that secret with a larger group is definitely risky,” he agrees. Caecilia nods and says that nobody knows how many were involved, but it was quite a large conspiracy. “Grabus, my manager, mentioned it, saying that I was lucky to keep my job as he didn’t have much choice with the sudden labour shortage.”
Gax flaps a hand at a thirsty mosquito, but apart from that they both sit quietly for a minute, looking up at the starry sky simply enjoying being together again. Caecilia is the first to speak and turning towards Gax she says, “You changed.” Gax blushes, feeling the heat spread across his face. He rubs his neck, traces his fringe. It feels softer, reminding him to have a hair cut. It’s just a statement, but there is an enquiring undertone in it and even, Gax is sure, a sense of accusation. He swallows. Caecilia continues. “You were so…alive,” her voice soft, hesitant, “then you changed. Everything about you changed. Your eyes, your face, the way you walked. You seemed so unhappy.” Gax tries to take a deep breath, feeling the weight crushing him down. Yes, he had changed alright, he had blended in, forgotten his calling. “Then yesterday,” her voice sounds curious now and Caecilia is trying to watch his face by the tiny light of the torch. “Yesterday you had changed again. Like you had changed back, but it was not quite the same,” she says, looking at his shadowy face. Gax smiles softly. She was sharp, seeing through him like that.
“Yes,” he says quietly, guilt still knocking on the door of his heart, “Yes, I changed. I forgot who I was, why I came here and started living for each passing day. I lost my purpose, as I allowed fear and dread of the unknown to overrun me. I was wrong, but it just seemed so much easier!” Caecilia looks confused and Gax smiles at her. “Remember the fountain?” he asks. She nods and looks away, giving a tiny sniff.
“You mentioned rest, rest that could be found in Elabi itself, not just Downstream,” she whispers and he hears the tension in her voice, like a slight accusation.
Gax nods in the dark, “Yes, rest and living water, it’s all the same. But you see, I had forgotten what freedom really is and I forgot to drink from the fountain.” He groans in himself when he sees her staring at him. Great, preacher man, you’ve completely lost her now! “What I mean is, I started to blend in, living in fear, forgetting all I had learned. I just wanted to be like everybody else and live for each day, pretending there was nothing after…after Elabi,” he ends, forgetting to make his voice lilt, instead letting it die off. Caecilia nods then.
“Yes, you became like all the other men. Still different, but only a bit and different from what you first were. You also seemed very sad, as if you were…were no longer you.”
He shrugs a little. “Yes, that makes sense. In a way I was denying myself. Denying what I know. It was hard,” he adds, “not at the time maybe, but after I realised what I had done and how far I had gone away from all I knew.” His throat aches in remembering the tears and grief when he had come to his senses.
Caecilia takes a deeper breath and says, “Now you’ve changed back again. I can see the life in your eyes again, in the way you walk. You have a…life…a vibrancy that nobody in Elabi has. It’s different, scary and strange. But I love it, even though I want to run away from it. This time it is different though, this time it’s like you’re…I don’t know, like the gushing river at the end of winter, wild and out of control, but still with one aim and destination.” He purses his lips. He likes that! To be like a wild river, yes, he would like that. Not just by himself, but like a wild, strong river taking people with him, all heading towards that destination with purpose. “It scares me even more this time,” her voice has gone really quiet and Gax finds himself holding his breath to hear her. “This time you are being watched already and you seem so…set.”
He nods, yes, this time he is going all out for his mission, he will fulfil his calling as operator, he has to rule himself if he wants to have any hope of taking this walled city that sits in darkness. No shrinking back or hiding this time, although he will still use discernment and wisdom, in order to stay on as long as possible. “Yes,” he whispers back, “yes, this time I really want my life to count, to do what I am called to do.” He stops, not wanting to tell her too much.
“Why is living each day as a good day and as a good citizen not enough for you?” Her voice doesn’t hold any accusation, just a curiosity and a longing he faintly detects. “Everybody else lives to improve society, to give their best years, to do what is needed to have an ordered society. Even,” she swallows, “even making sacrifices, you know, letting logic rule ag
ainst what you might feel or think.” Gax lowers his head, thinking of elderly people going Downstream, of Inritia’s name on the Hopeless Cases List, ready to be married off to a man equally hopeless. Yes, he can understand Caecilia’s struggle on that score. “…but that doesn’t seem enough for you?” She ends. Gax blinks, what has he missed, did she just ask a question?
“You talked about rest, but surely, trusting the council, sticking to the rules, that should give people rest, shouldn’t it? Breaking the rules, feelings, allowing emotions to rule your life will bring trouble, to you and your family. How can that give rest?” Gax dips his head. Yes, he hears her. He thinks and mulls over his answer, but before he can give her one Caecilia continues. “I saw the change in you, though. When you became one of us, doing life the way we do it, you lost your life. You didn’t gain our life, you lost it and unrest came in. Now I can see rest in your eyes, rest and exuberant life. It…” Her voice cracks a little, “It really scares me…” The last words are so soft, just like an evening breeze and Gax finds his throat hurting again. Yes, this life scares him too, it’s why he tried to hide it, but he couldn’t.
She sniffs a little, then turns back to him again, “It’s to do with that water, isn’t it? Those words on the fountain, Water of life, that’s what it is. You said earlier, you drank of that water and that is why you have that abundant life in you. And I know you’re not talking about the fountain in the Gardens, I get that. You said last time it was a promise made by a Person.” Gax nods, impressed by her memory and how quickly she picked up on his rambling thoughts that he had been concerned were too vague.
Walled City (The Elabi Chronicles Book 1) Page 17
