Brick Shithouse

by Bijou Hunter

  “Talk about what?”

  “I met a man, and she did that once. I assumed she’d have advice.”

  “I’ve met men.”

  “Not men like Casper.”

  “Pop said you had a crush on a giant.”

  “It’s not a crush if he likes me back.”

  “If you say so,” Rando says in her best deadpan voice—and my sister can deadpan with the best of them.

  “How long has Mom been in the shower?”

  “She stepped in right before you called. It could be awhile since she doesn’t have Pop here to satisfy her womanly needs.”

  “I doubt she’s masturbating with you just outside the bathroom.”

  “Womanly. Needs.”

  “Does she know you think she might die?”

  “Yes.”

  “She’s not masturbating then.”

  “Say it with me, ‘Womanly needs.’”

  “Pop’s been gone less than a day. She isn’t that horny.”

  “I she-bop four times a day.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Prove it.”

  “No, thanks.”

  “What’s the advice you need about the Colossal Casper?”

  “He likes to be called Cap.”

  “We all like things.”

  Rolling my eyes, I sense Rando will lose interest soon. “Pop and I are having dinner with Cap and his dad tomorrow. I wish I could see Cap sooner. I even got it in my head to invite him over to swim in the hotel pool.”

  “So you can check out his abs?”

  “And his chest and legs and shoulders. Basically the entire package.”

  “Makes sense. You want to know if he’s worth slobbering over and autumn attire hides too much.”

  “Is inviting him over too forward?”

  “Is that a real question?”

  “Fucking-A, it is.”

  “Don’t curse the alphabet at me, young lady.”

  “Just help me, please. I’m worried I read too much into his behavior and I’ll look stupid if I invite him over.”

  Rando sighs loudly, and I think she might hang up on me. Instead, she says, “You could die tomorrow. On your way to dinner with the giant hunk, you could crash your Harley and get decapitated. Just imagine your head rolling down the road.”

  “What a darling picture you’ve painted for me.”

  “In that last moment, before your head is torn from your body, do you really want to look back and regret such a small decision like whether to invite a guy to go swimming? I mean, shit, we’re not in high school anymore. Just do what you want.”

  “If this is my last night on earth, I would very much like to spend it with a mostly naked giant.”

  “Who wouldn’t?”

  “What about Pop?”

  “I don’t think he’s into men.”

  “No, I don’t suspect he is. I also don’t suspect he’ll let me meet Cap down at the pool alone.”

  “Pop knows you’re not a little kid. He just said the other day how you needed to grow the fuck up already.”

  Balking, I growl, “When the hell did he say that?”

  “Fine, I might have said it. Or perhaps it was Lily. People talk shit about you a lot, so it’s a little difficult to keep the insults straight. Point being, Pop did not correct the person who said you needed to grow up.”

  “I am grown up,” I mutter. “Mature beyond my years.”

  “No one thinks that.”

  “Well, I was spoiled by Mom and Pop. They should have given me more chores or something.”

  “Yeah, they dropped the ball with you, but they were probably tired by the time you came along. Colton wore them out with his many, many attempts to electrocute himself by shoving things in electrical sockets.”

  Never have I wished more that Rando and I were closer. I need a girlfriend to talk to, but the twins are in Florida, and my sisters act like my sisters rather than my friends.

  “Rando, I really like this guy. When I gave him shit earlier, you know, as I’m prone to do when feeling like a loser surrounded by better people, he was mellow about it. Not like he was a pussy, but like my crap didn’t faze him. It was sexy.”

  “Then get him into a swimsuit and check out the goods. You know how that song goes, ‘Live like you were about to have your head violently wrenched from your body.’”

  “That is a beautiful song.”

  “Mom’s almost finished with her shower. I can hear her singing. The she-bop is over, and her womanly needs are officially satisfied. Do you want to wait a few minutes until she’s done?”

  “Not now that you’ve got me thinking of Mom masturbating.”

  “It’s a natural thing. Don’t be such a weirdo.”

  “Shouldn’t you be scheduling the next round between your hand and muff?”

  “I don’t schedule my life, Audrey. That’s why I’m happy, and you’re a miserable Farmer Ted.”

  “How dare you use my insult against me?” I demand, but Rando’s already hung up.

  My sister’s impulsiveness might give me perpetual gas, but she isn’t wrong about living my life more fearlessly. The only thing I have going for me in the grand scheme of things might be my last name, but being a Johansson has always afforded me the protection to fail.

  Tonight, I plan to take a giant-sized leap with a shirtless, wet giant. If we crash and burn, I have no doubt Pop will heal my heart with an abundance of candy along with violent threats against the giant’s likely gigantic dick.

  CAP

  My father designed his house to suit a man of his above-average height. Having grown up in a place where tall made sense, I’m in no hurry to move out despite owning land nearby.

  Having met Audrey, though, I feel inspired to dig out my house plans to give them a look.

  “You met a girl,” Mom says from the kitchen as soon as I enter the house. “I hear she has big boobs and a bigger ass.”

  “What the fuck?” I ask while she laughs next to my sister-in-law, Tatum.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie,” Mom says, patting my cheek. “When you didn’t message me back with details, I came up with my own. Why, was I wrong about her ass?”

  “She has a normal-sized ass and about average tits. I admit I didn’t measure them, so I’ll see if I can next time.”

  My blonde mom leans casually against the kitchen counter and studies me with her dark brown eyes. She’s wearing a Mickey shirt from our family’s last visit to Disney World. The fair-haired and skinned Tatum got super sunburned on her shoulders during the trip and spent the last few days hiding in her room with Chipper. I ended up in charge of their older kids, Mesa and Ridge. That’s when I learned a fundamental lesson—fatherhood is pretty fucking easy.

  “What’s Audrey like?” Tatum asks and walks into the living room with her six-month-old daughter, Sierra, on her hip.

  “How did you know her name?”

  “Your father told us,” Mom explains, joining me halfway between the kitchen and the living room. “He said you were drooling all over the fucking place after she showed up. The bastard expected me to drive over and help him mop up the mess, but I pretended to have a bad connection and hung up.”

  “If I drooled, so be it. Audrey is a looker. She has an amazingly expressive face too. No way will she ever successfully lie to me.”

  “That doesn’t seem fair,” Tatum says while watching Ridge and Mesa stare out the back windows as if outside is their long-lost love.

  “That’s why she needs to fall for a man like me. I won’t take advantage of her weakness.”

  “So you’re doing her a favor,” Mom says, walking to her large recliner and sitting with a sigh. “You always were such an angel.”

  Grinning at my family’s running gag of my heavenly sweetness, I’m admittedly a super nice guy especially for a stone-cold killer.

  “I wish I could keep Audrey in White Horse until she submits to my love and agrees to remain here forever.”

  “
Love?” Mom asks.

  Shrugging, I search the fridge for much-needed calories. “For sure, I could love her. All I need is to spend more time with her to allow the smoldering fire in my chest to grow. That fire needs to be fed, or it’ll die out. With enough stimuli, though, the damn thing will burn down any obstacles in our way.”

  “That’s sweet,” Tatum says, and I think about how she moved in with Chipper two days after meeting him. I need that kind of power with Audrey, but killing her entire family so she’ll be alone in the world feels like a step too far. Besides, Audrey no doubt has people in Ellsberg who would take her in. No, killing my way into her heart won’t work.

  “Do you think Cooper Johansson would put up much of a fuss if I abducted his daughter for a while?”

  “He seems bitchy,” Mom says before adding, “I’d guess he’d probably want her back.”

  “So I have to do the normal dating crap like a normal person?”

  “Apparently.”

  “Seems like bullshit after Poet and Chip scored easy ins with their women.”

  “Easy?” Tatum asks, giving me a disapproving frown. “My mom and best friend in the world died. How was that easy?”

  “I meant for him. Don’t get riled up over this. Instead, help me win my girl so you’ll have a new sister-in-law.”

  “What do I get out of having another one?”

  “Audrey doesn’t seem to have much experience with kids. She’ll need you to take her under your wing when motherhood calls.”

  “So I get to do more work,” Tatum mutters, still pissed about my “easy in” comment.

  “You love babies.”

  “I do, but I still feel as if you insulted me and now want to give me more work.”

  Kneeling before her and dodging my niece’s slobber-covered hands, I reveal my most sincere expression. “I’m very sorry if I hurt you in any way, sweet Tatum.”

  Chipper’s girl suffers from a severe blushing problem that immediately flares up when I apologize. She giggles and glances at my mother. “He really is an angel.”

  “My giant cherub,” Mom coos.

  I pat Tatum’s knee before realizing I’m under attack. Turning too late, I have nowhere to run. Mesa crashes into me first before Ridge hops onto my back after crawling onto the couch to use it to launch his little body.

  Roaring, I wiggle wildly as if trying to detach the giggling children. Unlike with the other twins in my family, these two lack a shared brain and can’t attack raptor-style. So rather than terrifying their prey into submission, the Irish twins tickle me with their tiny fingers. Playing along, I pretend as if I can’t breathe until they let up.

  “You win,” I say dramatically.

  “We always win,” Mesa says and rubs her nose against mine before climbing over my shoulder and leaping onto the couch next to Tatum. Ridge follows his sister, and they now flank their mom who cuddles them closer.

  I remember how easily Tatum fell for Chipper. They met, she moved into his place, they fell in love five fucking seconds later, got married on Thanksgiving during a ten-second ceremony where Dad pronounced them husband and wife, bam, she was pregnant, popped out Mesa, followed up with Ridge a year later. They were the perfect family even before the littlest one came along.

  That’s all I want for Audrey and me. The hardest part was meeting, and we got that out of the way. Now we just need to fall in love and live happily ever after with our amazing offspring. Then at the ripe old age of many, many decades from now, I’ll die first while she’ll linger for a few more years. After missing me something fierce, she’ll join me in heaven where we’ll spend eternity together.

  Is that really too much to ask?

  Receiving a text from Audrey asking me to join her in the hotel pool, I can only smile at how everything is falling into place.

  3 - AUDREY

  Around nine, I walk down to the pool. My swimsuit remains hidden under jeans and a flannel shirt. I’d been so curious about Cap half-naked and wet that I hadn’t put much thought into how I’d also be half-naked and wet. Now it’s my biggest concern. Well, until I realize the pool is filled with clearly drunk jackasses splashing each other like stupid children.

  “Are you almost done?” I ask, trying my damnedest to sound tough.

  The head jackass looks me up and down. I guess I’m not hot enough to drool over because he turns away. “The pool closes in twenty minutes. We’ll be done then. You can hop in and play with us.”

  Rolling my eyes, I storm to the front desk where a twenty-something, clearly sober jackass tells me that he can’t kick them out for splashing. Oh, besides the pool closes in twenty minutes.

  “The sign said it closed at eleven. The front desk lady earlier said it closed at eleven.”

  “Sorry, but I’m closing it early because we’re short-staffed.”

  “I have a friend visiting, and we would like to use the pool alone. Can’t you get rid of those rowdy people, and let us stay? We’ll be low-key. I promise.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  “I could make it worth your while,” I say in my softest, warmest voice.

  “I’m married.”

  “Eww, I’m not offering sex. I meant, money.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  Shaking my head, I’m so pissed I can’t speak. Inviting Cap here to see me half naked was supposed to be the difficult part.

  A hand cups the back of my head and I turn to punch the touchy asshole. Cap only smiles when I pound my fist into his chest.

  “You keep shaking your head like that, and it’s bound to fall off.”

  Exhaling loudly, I know I’m pouting. “We can’t swim. The pool is closing, and there are losers here, and you took too long to get here, and I think it’s your fault, but also that guy’s fault. Plus maybe also the pool idiots’ fault. But mainly, if I'm honest, it’s my fault for not inviting you earlier.”

  Cap leans down and smiles sweetly. “It’s not your fault at all. I understand why you didn’t call earlier. My sexy body and handsome mug are bound to intimidate even a delicious diva like you. Your brain is doing its best to keep up.”

  “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Farmer Ted.”

  “My skin gets really excited when you call me that. Like on fire. Want to know what else my body feels when you say those words?”

  “No,” I say, feeling exposed despite my jeans and flannel shirt. “You might as well leave since we can’t swim.”

  Cap leans his head back and laughs. “Your expression is priceless.”

  Before I can spout off my usual bullshit as a way to hide my disappointment—and embarrassment at him calling me out on my bullshit—Cap walks over to the front desk.

  “Hey, pal, buddy, friend,” Cap says, smiling in the friendliest fucking way as he taps the guy’s nametag reading “Ethan.” Despite the giant’s affable words and demeanor, he reeks of menace. “Do you happen to know who I am?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes?” Cap asks, leaning closer as if he hadn’t heard correctly.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Then you might understand how I wouldn’t ask for a favor if I didn’t truly need one. Ethan, you might be thinking that I’m making too big a deal about swimming tonight with this lovely lady. Well, I’ll tell you, friend, I can’t share the specifics, but I will say if we can’t spend an hour or two frolicking in the pool, the regret will eat me apart.”

  His words sound nearly romantic, but I’m very aware of the threat behind them. Ethan no doubt hears the threat too because he swallows way too deeply and even chokes a little.

  “It’s cool,” Ethan mumbles. “I’ll clear out the pool a little early, and you can swim as long as you want.”

  “You’re a good guy, Ethan. Here’s something to make the holidays a little brighter.”

  Cap slides cash—several twenties though I can’t tell how many—across the front desk before turning to me.

  “Are you wearing your suit?” he as
ks, eyeing my body.

  “No.”

  “Are you planning to swim in jeans?”

  “No.”

  Cap’s upper lip curls into something between a smile and a snarl. He glances at Ethan who rushes toward the pool. I study Cap and wonder if he’s wearing a suit under his clothes. Imagining a swim trunk on his tall, powerful frame, I exhale softly and try not to blush with animal heat. When my mind flashes with a thought of him in Speedos, I nearly pass out.

  “If you need to get your bikini, get moving, Pipsqueak.”

  “Screw yourself, Farmer Ted.”

  “I did before driving over. Figured I shouldn’t sport a hard-on before I even saw all your bare wet skin.”

  Stuck in speechless mode, I enjoy the thought of him jacking his colossal salami before showing up. I’m silent for so long Cap snaps his fingers in front of my face.

  “Earth to sexy girl. Where are you at?”

  “My suit is under my clothes, and there’s a restroom in the pool area.”

  “Get to stripping then.”

  I turn on my heel and hurry toward where Ethan now ushers the drunks from the pool. They give me a dirty look when I pass them. Glancing back, I notice their bravado flees as soon as Cap unleashes the full force of his menacing glare. I look forward and smile to myself. Because of my pop, I have a soft spot for scary men, and Cap makes scary look easy.

  Making a beeline into the tiny restroom, I lock the door. I strip out of my jeans, flannel top, and T-shirt before standing in front of the mirror. I’ve always felt like I have curves in all the right places. So why can’t I walk out of the bathroom?

  In the harsh fluorescent light, my butt looks too flat and my hips too wide. I’m fairly certain the sandwich earlier landed straight in my gut because I seem to have packed on a few pounds.

  Remembering Josi’s words, I know I’m not special enough for someone like Cap. The woman in the mirror is average. Not ugly or dumb or bad. Just average. The man out in the pool area probably doesn’t even crap average.

  I finally pry my gaze from the mirror long enough to open the door a crack and check outside.

  Big mistake.

  Casper Hayes is a fucking stallion standing in perfectly fitting black trunks. He acts oblivious to my peeking, but I bet he knows I’m there. Like the dick he is, the man lifts his arms in the air and leans right and left to stretch out his waist. Watching his thick, powerful, and of course, tan muscles flexing, I wish my pop would come downstairs and demand I get my ass back to the room.