On Becoming His
Cassandre Dayne
Contributing Author
Benjamin T. Russell
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One Woman’s Journey Into Becoming a Submissive
Does the term frighten you? It shouldn’t. I’ve been writing about the BDSM lifestyle, including aspects of Domestic Discipline and Head of Household, for over a year now. While I will never consider myself an expert by any means, what I have learned from searching the Internet and talking to real life Dom’s and subs is that there are certainly many variations in the lifestyle, from simply enjoying more sexual aspects to couples who live the lifestyle twenty-four hours a day. There are always differences with every relationship but there is one aspect that remains very clear in D/s – the word trust.
Trust is by far the most important element and this is for so many reasons. You are not only trusting a person you care about to tell him or her you not only crave being either a Dom or a sub, but that you also want to consider exploring the options. Hopefully you won’t have the love of your life admonish, chastise or make fun of you for the thought. Imagine how terrifying the concept is. Fear of the unknown and anticipation of what will be said to you either in love or condemnation is the first aspect. The second is you’re putting certain portions of your life into the other’s hands and the concept of pain and pleasure is a heady one indeed. The concept is more about control, at least with regard to this piece. Again, there are other and darker aspects including the sado/masochist side of a D/s situation, but neither is this something I’m interested in nor is delving into the darker sides a part of this piece. I’m also not trying to educate you on every aspect of the lifestyle. If you want to know more, there are books written by people who truly understand and live this every day and know what they’re talking about, that will allow you to learn more about the different aspects.
Again, I am no expert. What I can tell you after having written several BDSM pieces is that in talking with many of my readers, they honestly have asked me, why. Why would in my case as with several of my heroines, want something like altering my lifestyle to have a man become my Dom, taking control of my life? Why would I possibly submit to this person at all? Why would I give up my perceived independence? In truth, the concept is very empowering to both parties – freeing if you will. Please keep in mind there are many scenarios to this alternative form of lifestyle from a woman being in charge to a man, same sex and heterosexual. I’m penning these pieces as a woman who’s been searching her entire life for the single man who might be able to draw out what she craves every night and simply has no idea how to find him. In the end, she not only meets and learns to trust him, but also decides she will become his submissive. In other words, he will own her.
Before you scoff and turn away, keep in mind there are many kinds of relationships out there coursing through multiple cultures across the continents. Let’s take a look at one aspect. Domestic discipline/Head of Household isn’t new and in truth has been around since the beginning of time. I was talking with a dear friend of mine, who is considering the lifestyle and being the D in the situation, and he is still trying to wrap his head around the fact the lifestyle is so very different than what he’s been involved in and what society sees as the norm. Well, that may be true for the society of modern America, but a man being in charge of the household dates back to biblical times. Let’s look at a more recent past, however. Do you remember when the man truly was the head of household and made the decisions? Have you ever read stories in which the wife was disciplined for her indiscretions? For our parents, my guess is more went on behind the closed doors of their bedrooms than we realize.
Domestic Discipline is a practice based in Christianity and is growing again in popularity. Why? Perhaps because man and woman continue to be at odds in a relationship as to who is in charge and the divorce rate is skyrocketing. Women’s rights may or may not play a part in this and I’m certainly not going to argue the pros and cons of the concept. What my friend finally realized is how empowering the feeling is for him and how very much he wants to learn more. In reading blogs and testaments from couples deciding to enter into the lifestyle even after years of marriage, this is VERY empowering for both parties.
What is Head of Household or Domestic Discipline and how does it differ from BDSM? Without getting into too much detail, the head of the household takes control of generally everything from deciding on the larger financial issues such as the house, the car etc. and in the case of my stories, the head is a male. The woman or wife has her own set of responsibilities including taking care of the children, her work and selected other duties and they co-exist, having created a set of rules they both agree on. When rules are broken discipline is doled out in a manner both anticipate. While I’m not talking having the man beat his wife, corporate punishment is indeed involved. What does this mean? Discipline can range from removal of privileges to spanking – and this isn’t about playtime. Some couples also practice maintenance spankings, which includes having a somewhat regular time for the woman to receive a spanking as a reminder of her needed and expected behavior. For most this practice maintains an even balance in the house.
From what I understand, and I have heard through reading different testimonials from hundreds of couples, this practice brings the man and woman closer together. From the quiet calm in the house to the improvement in their sex lives, they are generally happier. Keep in mind entering into this lifestyle doesn’t happen overnight and certainly has to be discussed, learned about, discussed again and then decided on by both the man and woman and shouldn’t be decided on a whim. Neither will be happy in the end if y
ou don’t know what you’re getting into.
BDSM is something else and sometimes the two lifestyles intermix and sometimes they don’t. While most people who don’t know the lifestyle think of BDSM as whips and chains - that is not at all what we’re talking about. Yes, there are playrooms sometimes and spanking benches of what’s known as the “X” cross (these are apparatuses noted in many erotic books), but what the lifestyle is and very similar to the HOH is about is control. Whether a man or woman is in charge, the head or Dom controls completely and the sub is willing to do what the Dom asks without hesitation and without question. Period. From pleasing him or her sexually to cleaning the house, the rules are designed and followed. Sometimes in BDSM there is a kinkier nature regarding sex, but then again sometimes the lifestyle has nothing to do with sex.
In penning On Becoming His, I wanted to bring you the understanding that ANYONE considering entering into this lifestyle – whichever one we’re talking about – really needs to spend a lot of time thinking about every aspect. This is a highly emotional time for both people thinking about, worrying about and wondering about entering into something so very different for them. They worry and shed tears, fear the unknown and ask themselves why they want or need over and over again. They have to or the concept isn’t really something they want. This means such a tremendous change for both parties and going through the multi-layers of the change is something few people can understand. In having people ask me about my writing – why did the sub want this total shift in the way they having been living – I had to pause. Most BDSM writers talk about the act, the playtime, the pain and not the emotional aspect of the whys and the countless hours spent thinking and worrying and frustrating. Trust. You have to trust you and your beliefs and trust the person absolutely one hundred percent.
Another word I’ve learned recently is patience. Personally I have none and I will need to learn more than my share in order to appreciate, but I also know the Dom has to have a tremendous amount as well – if not more than the sub. The Dom is naturally going to enjoy the level of control and the possible abuse of power is definitely something both have to understand and respect. Therefore you both have to know this isn’t something you either learn right away or stop learning about. The change is tremendous and patience is an incredible virtue. The sub will fail, will try the Dom’s patience and will without a doubt be willful at times, pushing the limits. The Dom must know how to react and how and when NOT to react.
I’ve often told people this type of relationship is stronger than marriage and I truly believe that it is. I’m giving you what I hope is an emotional journey of one woman’s desire to enter into a D/s relationship after years of being the strong woman and the one in charge. Jezebel is not only afraid of admitting to her friends that she wants to be taken in hand by a very powerful man, but she’s also terrified of admitting the truth to herself. This is an impassioned journey and some of the poems I’ve included I’ve written over the past few years. Is this a personal telling? Well, perhaps to a degree but this is more about the angst we all feel inside and the hunger we have wanting someone to love us. It’s also about being true to ourselves and so many of us feel we can’t – or aren’t allowed.
I also give you a taste of my Dom, both his why’s of how he became a Dom and why he hungers for this woman differently, but his complete story will come in a later piece. This is about Jezebel’s decision. Her wants. Her needs.
Come with me as I share her story, her worries and the changes in her life as she steps into a new beginning….
On Becoming His…
Kisses xxx
Cassandre
Admittance
He is my lover
He is my friend
He is my Sir
Jezebel Waters, Jessie to all who knew her, sat at her kitchen table aimlessly swirling her finger around the edge of her wine glass. The words a mantra, she had been saying them over and over again for weeks. This wasn’t about convincing herself of anything. The words were frankly stated and utterly the truth, and in fact had allowed her soul to be freed completely for the first time in her life. The thought, even to her, seemed odd initially, but the moment she’d not only accepted the realization but also really worked through the why’s in her mind, the day had been one of the best in her life. And very freeing. Sadly, this was also a concept and a lifestyle she had no idea how to explain to others why she wanted something so different – no had to have the blissful change in her life. How the hell could she? After all, she was a strong woman in every term of the word. Jessie had it all. That’s what everyone told her. But the truth was, she’d been unhappy the majority of her adult life. At least the partial truth was her life was full of broken dreams and she wanted more – so much more.
Sighing, Jessie tried to simply hone in on the intense rock music blasting from the CD player and groaned. What she needed was something softer, given the mood she was in. Rising to her feet, she slowly walked into the living room and flipped through her eclectic selection of music, finally selecting her favorite Spanish guitarist. The moment the sultry sounds filtered into the air, she exhaled slowly. Nodding, she folded her arms and walked back to retrieve her wine, her nerves frazzled.
Why the hell she was so antsy wasn’t really wasn’t the question. She knew why. After all, she’d fallen hard for a man who continued to take her breath away. Taking a sip of wine, she licked the rim and thought about him. Luke Brennan was everything she’d ever wanted in a lover and mate. From his rugged features and deep chocolate skin to his soulful eyes and quiet demeanor, he was without a doubt the most intriguing man she’d ever met. He was also a practiced Dom but hadn’t had a sub in many years, almost a decade. The thought giving her a shudder, she moved toward the window, staring out at the afternoon sky.
Palming the glass, she slumped against the window frame as a tremor of fear skated down her spine. This was the perfect relationship for her and one she’d only come to understand and appreciate recently. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Hissing, she took a gulp of her wine and closed her eyes. The absolute truth was that she had thought about entering into a D/s situation on more than one occasion, even going so far as to do hours, days worth of research on the Internet and she couldn’t deny she was utterly and completely terrified. You want to submit. You crave everything about the lifestyle and the man. Granted, the words were very true and she continued to repeat them over and over to herself like a mantra – and she had several she’d practiced time and time again.
Laughing, Jessie licked her lips as her heart raced. How many nights had she lain awake doing nothing but thinking about this? How many times had she opened her mouth simply to say the words out loud and couldn’t do it? “You’re terrified. Admit it.” Yes, she was. Trust. That was part of the reason and she couldn’t deny she’d never met a man she could trust, not only with her brutal admittance but also with the concept of turning over every aspect of her normal, daily routine to. After all, her previous boyfriends and fiancés were not only fairly conservative with regard to their life both in and out of the bedroom, but they would have thought she was a complete freak if she ever told them about her desires.
Yes, I long to be your submissive and to have you own me, tell me what to do and I want to be required to follow rules. I want to be collared and disciplined as necessary. I crave being your submissive sexually and in our everyday life, allowing you anything and everything you want. Sighing, just thinking the words gave her chills. This wasn’t the kind of admission you told anyone. Period. And she hadn’t, realizing her friends and family would think she was out of her mind. Then she met Luke and suddenly everything seemed possible.
Nibbling her bottom lip, Jessie had finally figured out her longing began in her early twenties, but back then she had no idea what she thought she wanted nor was the concept of entering into a D/s relationship even talked about in society very much. It was an ugly, dark and very secretive desire – if people really had them. Jesus Christ,
the thought of a man taking control of her life would have been scandalous fader to the point her girlfriends at the time would have had her committed. And so Jessie followed the path of least resistance, entering into very vanilla relationships time and time again. That is after a bad girl period in which one too many dangerous men had taken her on a path of near destruction. Shuddering, she could see how ridiculous her risky behavior had been but at the time she thought she was having fun, not soul searching for some perfect mate.
Then she’d given up completely on finding the right “him”. Instead, a guy she could care about and call a friend became her goal. Somehow the notion seemed so much better than fighting reality and the way everybody just grew up, or grew into a set pattern of life. Now Jessie wanted so much more. Thank God she’d met Luke. Still, she was apprehensive of how he would react as she continued to learn and explore. “Stop it!” No, she knew Luke cared about her tremendously and she’d often told him she trusted him implicitly. And she did. The thought gave her a warm feeling sweeping through her body.
As she lifted her glass, she realized her hand was shaking. Jessie couldn’t get her first meeting with Luke out of her mind. She’d been with a group of girlfriends at her favorite club and there was something so enigmatic about him when he’d walked in, she was left breathless. There wasn’t a man or woman in the darkened club who hadn’t known how powerful his prowess was, yet he carried himself in a distinguished fashion, observing the crowd with a slight smile on his face. Instantly attracted to him, she’d made no bones about the fact she’d love to meet the stunning black man. What had surprised her was the way a few of her friends had admonished her choice, reminding her interracial relationships were still difficult at best. Simply the single thought at the time had filled her with rage. What century were they in? Oh boy and what about the other? Her darker cravings? Shaking her head, Jessie laughed. Just what would the girls say if they knew she was considering entering into a D/s lifestyle with him?
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