Tainted Lives

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘Not sick now . . . Spinnin’.’

  Dropping the tub, he attempted to ease her back down. ‘Come on, Sarah . . . lie down, there’s a good girl.’

  ‘No . . . ’S not nice,’ she cried, holding onto him. ‘Spinnin’ round, and round, and . . .’

  ‘Okay,’ he whispered urgently. ‘Okay, keep still . . . Sshhh.’

  After a few minutes, the room settled and Sarah tilted her head back.

  ‘D’ you think I’m ugly? Vinnie says I am. D’y’ think he’s right?’

  Choosing his words with care, Mark said, ‘No, you’re very pretty, Sarah. But it’s time you went to sleep now. Night, night.’

  ‘C’n shee the moon in your eyes,’ she murmured, gazing up at him with a drunken grin as a sliver of moonlight filtered in through a gap in the curtain. ‘’S nice.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Firmly, he pushed her hands beneath the quilt. ‘Now, sleep.’

  ‘You shmell like booooze,’ she said then, giggling as she struggled to sit up.

  ‘Oh, shit!’ he muttered. ‘Just do as you’re told and lie down, will you!’

  Sarah flopped back and closed her eyes. Almost instantly, her breathing took on the slow, whispering quality of sleep. Waiting a couple of seconds to make sure she was really out for the count, Mark drew the quilt up to her chin and made a hasty escape.

  Cursing himself for getting into such a potentially compromising situation, he rushed to his room and locked the door firmly behind him.

  A few doors down, Vinnie smiled to himself in the dark. Unable to let go of the image of Sarah’s gloating face as she’d escaped him, he’d been wide awake when she’d made it back to the house. He’d crept along to the landing window, from where he had seen everything – right up to Mark bringing her inside. He’d gone back to bed then, the plan for revenge forming in his mind like a living, breathing thing.

  Now he waited a further fifteen minutes, then slipped out of bed and tiptoed onto the landing – thankful for Pete’s capacity to sleep through an earthquake. Pausing briefly outside Mark’s door, he listened for a moment, smiling when he heard the soft snores coming from within.

  Letting himself into Sarah’s room, he eased the door shut and padded softly across the carpet.

  Sarah stirred when the quilt was disturbed. ‘Mis’r Chambers?’ she murmured, her voice thick with drink-sleep.

  ‘Yeah, that’s right,’ he whispered, a triumphant grin spreading across his face as he climbed on top of her. ‘Just Mr Chambers . . .’

  8

  Sarah felt sick. Rolling onto her back she opened her eyelids. It was morning, the room bright despite the closed curtains. A sliver of brilliant sunlight streamed through the gap and made her narrow her green eyes in pain. Wincing, she rolled across to the edge of the mattress and stared at the comforting dark blue of the carpet.

  Focusing after a moment, she noticed the ice-cream tub and frowned, wondering what it was doing there. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t remember a thing. Closing her eyes as a surge of nausea flooded her mouth with saliva, she breathed slowly to settle her stomach and struggled to get her thoughts in order.

  She’d gone to the old gatehouse to hide from Vinnie, and she’d fallen asleep. But what then?

  Cider. She could still taste it. No wonder she felt so sick.

  So, she’d bought the cider, then gone back to the gatehouse to drink it. But how had she got back here?

  Nothing.

  . . . You’re bad . . . useless . . .

  Blinding flashes of unwelcome recall made her head spin, taking her stomach with it. Reaching for the tub, Sarah threw up.

  Flopping back when she’d finished she felt a sharp pain in her breast. Lifting the quilt, she looked down at herself and was shocked to see her clothes in disarray. Her bra, undone and no longer covering her breasts, was a twisted tangle around her collarbone, and her left breast was bruised with what looked suspiciously like a lovebite.

  Filled with dread intuition, she looked down at the rest of her body. Her fears were confirmed when she saw her knickers wrapped loosely around one ankle. Touching herself gingerly, she winced. It was so tender down there.

  Sarah knew instinctively what had happened, and the knowledge filled her with shame. How could she have done something so terrible and not even remember? She was a dirty, disgusting slut. Her mother had been right all along.

  Wallowing in self-loathing, it suddenly dawned on her that whatever she had done, she’d done it here in her own bed. Which meant that it had to be somebody from the house. But who?

  ‘No!’ she gasped, jerking bolt upright as a vision flitted across her mind’s eye.

  Mark Chambers with the moon in his eyes.

  She was locked out . . . He’d let her in, brought her upstairs, put her to bed . . . And then he’d . . .

  No! She shook her head disbelievingly. He wouldn’t.

  He’d told her to do as she was told and lie down. Then he’d pulled the quilt aside and got on top of her. And he’d said ‘Yeah’ when she’d called his name.

  Sarah covered her face with her hands, disgusted, and more ashamed than she’d ever felt in her life. How could she have done something like that?

  But, hang about . . . If she’d been too drunk to remember getting back here, how could she have made him think she wanted that? And even if she had laid it on a plate, he should never have gone along with it. He was supposed to be looking after the kids, not having sex with them.

  Kids! Oh, shit! What if he’d made her pregnant? She couldn’t have a kid. She didn’t want one. Not ever. And definitely not his. She’d have to go to a clinic and get them to test her – tell them she’d got pissed at a party and slept with someone, or something. She looked eighteen. They couldn’t say anything. And she’d give a false name so that they couldn’t get her into trouble.

  Getting out of bed, reeling with the knowledge that a grown man had taken advantage of her – again! – she paced the floor, wondering what to do about it.

  There was no way she could tell. Chambers would only deny it, and she’d end up being branded a liar and a slag. So, what was she going to do? Keep her mouth shut and let him get away with it?

  Shit, shit, shit!

  Anger surged through Sarah’s veins. All right, so she couldn’t report Chambers. But one way or another, the bastard would pay for what he’d done.

  Tearing off the rest of her clothes she stuffed them into a carrier bag and stashed it behind the bed. She’d deal with that later. Right now, she just wanted to scrub all traces of Chambers from her body.

  Pulling on her dressing gown, she marched to the bathroom and locked herself in. Turning the shower on full blast, she stepped beneath the icy spray and scoured every inch of her flesh with a stiff nailbrush.

  Twenty minutes later, Sarah strode downstairs with her head held high. There was no way she was giving Chambers the satisfaction of seeing her shuffle around as if she had something to be ashamed of. If anyone should be ashamed, it was him!

  Dandi was serving breakfast when Sarah entered the dining room.

  ‘Morning,’ she called, smiling as she took a couple of bowls from the trolley. ‘What you having?’

  ‘Toast,’ Sarah snapped, stomping towards an empty table at the far side of the room. Sitting down heavily, she folded her arms and glared at nothing.

  Bringing a plate of buttered toast across, Dandi noticed the livid draw of the girl’s lips, the sparking anger in her eyes.

  ‘Are you all right?’ she asked. ‘You’re not feeling ill, are you?’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about me,’ Sarah snarled. ‘I’m just hunky-dory, thanks.’ Snatching the plate, she stared out of the nearest window, chewing a piece of toast with taut-jawed fury.

  Dandi frowned. They usually got on pretty well, but Sarah had practically bitten her head off. She’d always had a sharp tongue, but she didn’t often lash Dandi with it. Doing a quick mental calculation of the older girls’ period routines, Dandi
realized that Sarah’s was pretty close. Best not pour petrol onto the flame by bugging her, then. Satisfied that Sarah would soon be fine, Dandi left her alone.

  From his own table across the room, Vinnie watched Sarah closely. It was obvious from her expression that she knew what had happened, but he needed to know if she remembered who had done it to her. She’d been so drunk that he doubted it, but he had to be sure all the same – to prepare himself in case he had to take off quickly. He knew what these girls were like for saving face. They’d say anything rather than admit they’d asked for it.

  After a while, he relaxed. Sarah hadn’t even glanced his way, none of the staff had approached him and there were no blaring sirens. He was in the clear.

  He grinned smugly. Not so special now, was she, the stuck-up bitch. He’d shown her the perils of fucking with Vinnie Walker!

  It suddenly occurred to him that she had done exactly that – fucked with him – and he snorted out loud, almost choking on a mouthful of cereal.

  ‘What’s the joke?’ Pete asked.

  ‘Nowt.’ He shook his head. ‘Just thinking about something, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Pete grinned expectantly. ‘Let us in on it, then.’

  ‘Can’t, mate.’ Vinnie wiped the milk from his chin with the back of his hand. ‘It’s a secret.’

  Composing his face into a less smug, less knowing expression, he hugged the knowledge to his heart. This was his alone – his to savour during his every waking moment, his to dream about in the long, dark nights.

  ‘Oi!’ Pete hissed, nodding towards Sarah as she strode towards the door. ‘She’s getting off. We going after her, or what?’

  Vinnie shook his head. ‘Nah, she’ll keep.’

  ‘But you said—’

  ‘That was yesterday.’ Scraping his chair back, Vinnie stood up and stretched. ‘I’ve got better things to do now.’

  ‘Like what?’ Pete broke into a trot to keep up as Vinnie stalked purposefully out into the hall.

  ‘Like, shut your gob and wait till there’s no earwiggers about!’ Vinnie pushed him towards the front door and impatiently waved the rest of the gang to catch up. ‘I’m after jacking a motor, if you must know.’

  ‘Yes!’ Pete crowed, punching the air. ‘Blackpool!’

  ‘All right, but I’m driving,’ Vinnie said.

  ‘Fight you for it?’ Grinning, Pete raised his fists.

  ‘Get real!’ Vinnie sneered. ‘I’d wipe the floor with you.’

  ‘Oh, yeah?’

  ‘Yeah!’

  Sarah turned onto the girls’ landing and literally bumped into Mark Chambers coming the other way.

  ‘Morning, Sarah.’ He smiled tentatively. ‘Feeling better?’

  ‘Don’t talk to me!’ She glared at him, infuriated that he was pretending nothing was wrong.

  Shocked by the vehemence of her tone, but putting it down to a hangover, Mark dipped his head towards her. ‘Look, if you’re worried about last night, don’t be. I’m not going to report you.’

  ‘You report me?’ Sarah gasped incredulously. ‘That’s a good one! Think yourself lucky I haven’t said anything to Dandi about what you did, you bastard!’ Pushing past him then, she marched to her room.

  Open-mouthed with shock, Mark watched her go. He couldn’t believe that she’d spoken to him like that. She was normally so quiet and polite – a little distant, yes, but always civil. What had he done to warrant that outburst?

  It occurred to him that he might have offended her by rushing out on her the previous night. If she was feeling this rough now, she must have felt terrible then and had probably expected him to stay and look after her. But surely she understood the risk he’d taken just by smuggling her in and not reporting her?

  Hell, it was like walking a tightrope, dealing with these kids. One minute they wanted help, the next they were telling you to get lost. He’d only wanted to keep her out of trouble on her birthday – and himself, if he were honest. But he wouldn’t do it again. Next time one of the girls came home in such a state, he’d wake Dandi and let her deal with it – however ill she was.

  Sarah wedged her door shut to prevent Mark from following her. Not that she thought he’d dare try anything with Dandi about, but you could never be too sure with men like that.

  Going to the window, she watched Vinnie and his crew making their way up the path. Aiming all of the venomous hatred festering in her heart at Vinnie’s back, she thought, Huh! Look at the big man! Thinks he’s so bad, but he doesn’t know the half of what goes on under his own nose! Dickhead!

  She was still thinking about him long after he’d disappeared from view, wondering what he would do if he found out what Mark Chambers had done to her. Would he laugh and say she’d deserved it, or play the hard man and offer to kick the shit out of Chambers? She doubted that. Yeah, he’d had a thing for her in the beginning, but he hated her now. Why would he bother coming to her aid?

  No, this was her fight alone. No one was going to take her side, and the sooner she got used to that, the sooner she’d get herself together.

  But that didn’t mean she would just carry on as normal. From now on, she’d steer well clear of everyone. And if they got too close, by God she’d make them pay.

  9

  Dandi was convinced that something bad must have happened to bring about such a drastic change in Sarah. In the weeks following the girl’s birthday, she’d been snappy, rude, and more reclusive than ever. But no matter how many times Dandi tried to coax it from her, Sarah refused to admit that anything was wrong. Hoping one of the other staff might be able to shed some light on it, Dandi mentioned her concerns at the monthly meeting.

  ‘I’m worried about Sarah,’ she told them. ‘She’s not been right for a while, but she won’t tell me anything. Has anyone any idea what’s troubling her?’

  ‘Puberty,’ Glenda Nash, the housekeeper, stated airily. ‘Girls are much worse than boys.’

  Dandi disagreed. ‘No, she hit that a couple of years back. Don’t you remember the moods? I do. What about you, Mark?’ she asked then. ‘You’ve known her as long as I have. Haven’t you noticed the change in her?’

  Blushing, Mark folded his arms. ‘I, em, agree she’s definitely changed, but I couldn’t say in what way specifically. She doesn’t really speak to me, to tell the truth.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I mean.’ Dandi frowned. ‘She hardly talks to anyone. She just goes about her business with that awful scowl on her face.’

  ‘Yeah, but that’s hardly cause for concern when you consider how much of a loner she’s always been,’ said Glenda. ‘Honestly, Dandi, I really think it’s normal for her age.’

  Shaking her head, Dandi said, ‘I hear what you’re saying, but my instincts tell me this is different. Something’s happened, I’m sure.’

  ‘Sure you’re not just being paranoid after the Claire thing?’

  ‘Claire?’ Carl, one of the newer members of staff, checked his notes. ‘Have I met her? Her name’s not on my list.’

  ‘She left before you came,’ Dandi told him. ‘She had a lot of . . . problems.’

  ‘Huh!’ Glenda snorted. ‘You can say that again.’

  ‘Oh?’ Carl was intrigued.

  ‘She disappeared,’ Dandi explained, sighing guiltily. ‘Five months pregnant and messed up on drugs, and I chased her out.’

  ‘You did not!’ Mark cut in. ‘You did everything you could for that girl.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Glenda agreed, nodding vigorously. ‘I mean, what were you supposed to do, Dandi? Lock her in her room?’

  ‘No, but I could have handled it a little more sensitively.’

  ‘You did your best,’ Mark said firmly. ‘She’d have killed the baby if she’d carried on the way she was going.’

  ‘She still might have,’ Dandi murmured, steepling her fingers beneath her chin. ‘I often wonder about that body they found.’

  ‘Ooh, yeah,’ Glenda grimaced. ‘The baby in the bin bag. Awful business.’ />
  ‘I saw that on the news.’ Carl looked a little sick now. ‘That wasn’t hers, was it?’

  ‘We don’t know,’ Dandi admitted quietly. ‘We haven’t heard from her since she took off.’

  ‘What about the police?’

  ‘She’s sixteen now,’ Mark told him. ‘They’d have no obligation to tell us if they had found her.’

  ‘That’s terrible.’

  ‘Yep, but that’s the way it goes.’

  ‘Anyway, enough of this,’ Dandi said, determinedly shaking off the gloominess that she always experienced when she spoke of Claire – her biggest failure to date. ‘Let’s get back to the business at hand, shall we? What do we do about Sarah?’

  Getting little response but shrugs, a few raised eyebrows, another blush from Mark, and an unhelpful ‘Stop fretting and leave her to it’ from Glenda, she gave up.

  She probably was just being paranoid, Dandi decided. It wouldn’t be the first time her fears about one thing had grown to encompass everything else. If there truly was something wrong with Sarah, she’d just have to wait until Sarah herself decided to tell her.

  Sarah had no intention of telling anybody anything. The more she thought about what had happened, the more convinced she was that it wasn’t her fault. Mark Chambers had used her, exactly like those bastards her mother used to bring back to the house had done.

  Hiding behind a wall of aggression, she made enemies of all the other girls. The younger ones avoided her, which suited her down to the ground, but the older ones challenged her, leading to numerous fights – which Sarah invariably won; launching herself at them as if fighting the Devil himself, seeing in their faces those of everyone who’d ever done her wrong.

  Even the solitude of her bedroom no longer provided refuge as her dreams became increasingly disturbed. Night after night, she was haunted by distorted versions of everything that she had experienced throughout her life, all twisted together in a macabre plot line of her own mind’s making, and always ending the same way – Sarah disappearing beneath a raging sea of blood as the key players stood by, watching and laughing, united in their desire to destroy her.