Tainted Lives

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘Yes . . . yes, of course. Absolutely.’

  ‘I want to assure you that I’ll listen without prejudice to everything you have to say.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Right, well, let’s start with what happened when you locked up that night. And please, Mark, for your own sake, leave nothing out.’

  Blushing deeply with the shame of having to admit his misdemeanour in not having informed her of the situation at the time, Mark told Dandi the absolute truth – right down to having the glass of Scotch when he really shouldn’t have, given that he was covering for her at the time.

  ‘And you’re sure nothing else happened?’ Dandi asked when he’d finished. ‘Nothing that Sarah could have misconstrued in any way?’

  ‘No!’ he exclaimed, shocked by the very idea. ‘I would never, ever behave like that towards a child. I thought you knew that?’

  Dandi clamped her lips together, preventing herself from giving the assurance that he was expecting. They both knew that denials in cases such as this were as impossible to accept on face value as the accusation itself.

  ‘So, what happens now?’ he asked, understanding her predicament.

  ‘You’ll be suspended until the Board has conducted its inquiry. What happens from there will depend on the outcome.’

  ‘I suppose I’ll have to leave?’

  ‘For now.’ Dandi steeled herself against the tears glistening in his eyes. ‘Do you have somewhere to go?’

  ‘My mum’s, I suppose. I’ll sort something out from there.’

  ‘Will you be all right?’

  Mark gave a bitter, mirthless laugh. ‘I’ll have to be, won’t I?’

  ‘You can always call if you need to talk,’ Dandi said. ‘And you’ve got my mobile number if you don’t want to risk someone else picking up this phone.’

  ‘Oh, shit!’ he groaned, dropping his face into his hands. ‘I hadn’t even thought about anyone else. I can just imagine what they’ll be saying about me when this comes out.’

  ‘Rest assured I’ll put a stop to any gossip,’ she said, meaning it. ‘You have my word that you’ll get a fair hearing.’

  ‘Thanks, Dandi.’ Mark rose wearily to his feet. ‘I’d best get cracking. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to set off.’

  ‘Mark,’ she called as he went towards the door. ‘May I ask a personal question?’

  ‘Fire away.’ He shrugged. ‘What could be more personal than asking if I’d do something like that to a child?’

  ‘Are you gay?’

  ‘Oh, my God!’ He wheeled around, an incredulous look on his face. ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

  ‘It could make a difference to the Board. Think about it.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ He shook his head. ‘I’m not getting into that with them.’

  ‘They can’t judge you on your sexual preferences, and I think it might help prove that you wouldn’t be interested in . . .’ Trailing off, Dandi shrugged with her hands.

  ‘Girls?’ Mark cocked an eyebrow. ‘You don’t seriously believe that, do you? Come on, Dandi, let’s not be naive. They’d assume I was some sort of pervert. Don’t you know that us gays are all twisted little kiddie-fiddlers?’

  Holding his gaze steadily, Dandi said, ‘Does that include the chairman?’

  Mark was about to say something else, but stopped himself as her words sank in. ‘Him?’

  ‘Yes, him. Got a problem with that?’

  ‘What? No! Of course not . . . I just had no idea.’

  ‘Really?’ She raised an eyebrow. ‘I’ve suspected you for a long time.’

  ‘How?’ He was horrified. ‘I mean, I didn’t think it was that obvious.’

  ‘Stop panicking,’ Dandi said, sitting back in her chair. ‘I was never sure. You’re very manly. Anyway, I don’t actually think it’s a major issue. I just wanted to reassure you that it won’t prejudice your case.’

  ‘Do the Board know?’

  ‘Nobody’s said anything.’ She gave a casual shrug. ‘Not that it’s any of their business. I think it would have been a tad hypocritical, don’t you?’

  Mark shook his head, finding these revelations a little hard to take in.

  ‘Things are never quite as obvious as they seem, are they?’ Dandi went on gently.

  ‘Apparently not.’

  ‘But you still don’t think it’d be worth a try?’

  ‘No!’ He was adamant. ‘Honestly, Dandi, this is bad enough already without giving anyone the ammunition to turn it into a witch-hunt.’

  ‘Fair enough. But don’t forget what I said. Anytime you want to talk.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He smiled grimly. ‘And will you, um, let me know what’s happening? I’d rather find out from you than from anyone else.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  Mark ran straight to his room. Locking the door, he threw himself onto the bed and buried his face in the pillow. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He had never in his life so much as looked at a child in that way – yet here he was, being accused of molesting one! It was a nightmare.

  He racked his brain, desperately trying to remember every word he had said to Sarah that night – hoping to find some sort of clue or explanation as to why she might be saying such awful things about him. But try as he might, he couldn’t dredge up anything he’d said that could be misconstrued in any way, shape or form.

  He had told her she was pretty, but she couldn’t possibly have read anything into that. And yes, as she’d said, he had told her to do as she was told and lie down . . . But then he’d left – gone straight to his room.

  But his knowing this didn’t count. It was what the Board believed that mattered. And he hoped to God that they would believe him. He loved this job with all his heart, and it would tear him apart to lose it over something that he hadn’t even done. With any luck, Sarah would come to her senses and tell them why she’d said it in the first place.

  A little heartened by this possibility, Mark started packing. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. The best thing he could do was leave as quietly and with as much dignity as possible. Then wait to be cleared – as he surely would be.

  Mark tried to sneak out later that morning, but it was impossible to slip away unseen. Some of the kids noticed him carrying his cases out to his car and were upset at the thought of him leaving. He couldn’t tell them anything – could barely even bring himself to say goodbye. He was too upset, too close to breaking down.

  After the fifth child had gone to her in tears, and she’d caught snatches of rumours being bandied about, Dandi called a meeting with the Board to decide how best to explain Mark’s sudden absence. As there was no way of gauging how long the inquiry would take and, therefore, no knowing how long his suspension would be in effect, they decided to say that he had taken indefinite leave to look after a sick relative. If he were cleared – as Dandi truly believed he would be – he’d be offered the option of coming back. If not, he’d be gone already and it wouldn’t be a problem. But until a decision was reached, it was essential that the kids didn’t get hold of the real reason. If they did there would be no way for Mark to come back – whatever the outcome.

  Later that afternoon, Dandi briefed the staff about the situation and reminded them of their duty to keep their mouths firmly shut. She told Sarah the same thing, urging her to do the adult thing and not spread her story around while the inquiry was ongoing. Sarah agreed, and Dandi prayed that she would be mature enough to honour her word.

  That evening, when the kids were gathered for dinner, she made the announcement. Standing in the doorway, wringing her hands, she cleared her throat.

  ‘Mr Chambers left us earlier today and a few of you expressed concern, so I want to clear up any confusion. Contrary to the rumours I’ve heard throughout the day, he has not been sacked for stealing, beating someone up, or any other ridiculous thing you may have heard. He has taken leave to care for an elderly aunt who is rather poorly.�
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  A little girl raised her hand. ‘Is he coming back?’

  ‘Maybe,’ Dandi replied. ‘It will depend how quickly his aunt recovers.’

  ‘He won’t,’ Vinnie interrupted loudly. ‘His aunt will snuff it and he’ll be too busy spending her dosh.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ollie joined in. ‘That’s why he’ll be looking after her. She’ll be minted, and he’ll be creeping round!’

  ‘That’s enough!’ Dandi snapped, glaring at the boys. ‘Now, I’ve told you why Mr Chambers has had to leave, and I don’t want to hear any more rumours. Is that clear?’ Nodding curtly at the murmurs of agreement, she went to the office for a much-needed cigarette.

  Vinnie and Ollie had annoyed her, and she was glad that Sarah didn’t associate with them. If she told them what was really going on, they’d never let it go and Mark would be damned for ever.

  Much as she loved Sarah, Dandi suddenly couldn’t wait for the girl’s birthday. Once Sarah was gone, things would settle down. Until then, they would all be living on a knife-edge.

  11

  Sarah woke with a feeling of dread. Brilliant sunlight streamed through the gap in the curtain, but she wouldn’t have noticed – or cared – if the weather had been as wet and dismal as it had been on her last birthday. She was too scared at the prospect of leaving to appreciate finally reaching the magical age.

  Sixteen.

  She’d been mentally preparing for this day for years, but now that it had arrived she wasn’t nearly as confident as she’d thought she’d be. The events of the preceding year had taken their toll in numerous ways – not least on her attitude, causing her to stubbornly resist sorting out some fundamentally essential things.

  ‘I don’t need your help,’ she’d said when Dandi had tried to sit her down and discuss housing arrangements, and jobs, and suchlike. ‘I don’t need anybody’s help.’

  And she’d meant it – still did, to a degree. But it wouldn’t have hurt to take a little advice. What did she know about organizing that kind of stuff? Squat! Well, she’d just have to learn. Necessity was a great teacher. Thank God she had her savings. They would tide her over until she found a job – although it wouldn’t last quite as long as it would have if Claire Wilson hadn’t screwed everything up and put a premature end to her earnings. Selfish cow!

  Throwing the quilt aside, she got up and stood in the centre of the room with her hands on her hips, taking a good long look around. The tears scorched the backs of her eyes as she drank everything in, committing it to memory – the only place where she would ever see it again after today.

  Everything was so familiar. The dark blue carpet; the faded pink wallpaper; the window overlooking the path and gardens below; the sticker-covered wardrobe; the cup-ring-scarred dressing table; the bed. She had spent more than half her life here. Nine long years of crying, laughing, singing, dancing, fantasizing, scheming . . .

  ‘Pack it in, you stupid bitch!’ Sarah scolded herself, swiping at the tears trickling down her cheeks.

  There was no point crying. She was on her own from here on in – and that was good. Only herself to answer to, no more shit to deal with, no more past to escape. It wasn’t a sad ending – it was a happy new beginning.

  Vinnie was loitering in the dining-room doorway, waiting for Sarah to come down to breakfast. He, too, had been dreading this day, because once she was gone, there would be no more opportunities to put things right between them. It was today – or forget it. When she came down, he followed her to her table.

  Sitting down, Sarah folded her arms and gave him an unfriendly look. ‘Yes?’

  Shuffling his feet, Vinnie said, ‘I didn’t get you a card or anything, but I wanted to say happy birthday.’

  ‘That it?’

  ‘No. I, er, wanted to say sorry, as well.’ He pushed his hands deep into his pockets as a blush suffused his cheeks.

  ‘What for?’ she demanded, enjoying his discomfort.

  ‘Well, I know I’ve been a bit of a git.’

  ‘No kidding.’

  ‘Yeah, all right. But I’m sorry, yeah? And, I’ll, er, miss you.’

  ‘You what?’ Sarah scoffed. ‘Don’t talk crap! You can’t stand me.’

  Vinnie’s blush deepened. ‘Don’t take the piss, Sarah. You knew I fancied you from day one. Why d’y’ think I got so pissed off when you wouldn’t give me the time of day?’

  ‘That right, is it?’ She tipped her head to the side, pursing her lips thoughtfully. ‘And do you still fancy me?’

  ‘Yeah, course. Loads.’

  ‘Well, how do you fancy doing something for me, then?’

  ‘Anything!’ Pulling out a chair, Vinnie sat down, an eager look on his face. ‘What do you want me to do?’

  Smiling with all the warmth of a snake, Sarah leaned forward. ‘Leave Harry Shaw alone.’

  Vinnie kissed his teeth. ‘What is it with you and that little mong?’ he demanded, unable to conceal his irritation that she should be concerned about the ugly runt.

  ‘And stop calling him that!’ she snapped. ‘He’s never done anything to you, so why don’t you just lay off him? He’s got enough shit to deal with without you sticking your oar in. You want to grow up and start acting like the big man you think you are.’

  Vinnie narrowed his eyes and pondered how to turn the situation to his advantage.

  ‘Okay, I’ll do you a deal,’ he said. ‘I’ll leave him alone, if you stop treating me like a piece of walking shit.’

  ‘Stop acting like one, then,’ she replied coolly.

  ‘Deal!’ He grinned. ‘Just give me a chance, Sarah, that’s all I want.’

  Sarah raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Then, motioning over his shoulder with a glance, she said, ‘I think your mate’s looking for you.’

  Vinnie twisted around in his seat. Pete was waving his hands in a what-you-doing? gesture. Flipping him a V, Vinnie turned back to Sarah. It had taken him over a year to get her undivided attention. He wasn’t about to let Pete put the mockers on it now.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ Dandi asked, flicking a disapproving glance at Vinnie as she wheeled the breakfast trolley up to the table. If he was causing trouble on Sarah’s last day, he’d have some explaining to do.

  ‘Fine, thanks.’ Sarah smiled, glad of the interruption. ‘Did you want me?’

  ‘Erm, yes, actually. Could you come to the office when you’ve finished?’

  ‘I’ll come now if you want.’

  Waving her to stay put, Dandi said, ‘No, I need to finish up here first. And you should have breakfast. You’ve got a busy day ahead. Toast?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Vinnie?’

  ‘Same,’ he grunted, slouching down in his seat.

  ‘I wish she’d keep her beak out,’ he muttered when she’d served them and gone. ‘She gets on me nerves. I feel like smashing her face into a wall . . . BAM! BAM! BAM!’

  ‘I thought you were gonna try and be reasonable.’ Sarah gave Vinnie a disapproving glare.

  ‘I am!’ he protested. ‘So, uh, what you gonna do when you get out, then?’

  ‘What’s it to you?’

  ‘I thought you was gonna stop treating me like shit. Deals go both ways, you know.’

  ‘And . . . ?’ Sarah snatched up a piece of toast.

  Scowling, Vinnie glanced slowly, pointedly, around the room. Letting his gaze linger on Harry, he said, ‘Bet there’s quite a few people here who’ll miss you. When did you say you were going?’

  Sarah knew exactly what he meant: if she didn’t entertain him now, Harry would pay when she left.

  Gritting her teeth, forcing herself to be civil, she said, ‘I didn’t, but it’ll be in the next hour or so, I should think.’

  Vinnie gave a slight nod. ‘That’s better. Nowt wrong with being friendly, is there? So,’ he settled back in his seat, ‘have you got a flat and a job sorted yet?’

  ‘No. I’m hoping that’s why Dandi wants to see me.’

  ‘You’ll be all r
ight,’ he said, adding knowingly: ‘With all the money you made grafting.’

  Sarah almost choked on her toast. ‘What you talking about?’ she squawked. ‘I don’t graft!’

  Vinnie gave an amused snort. ‘Don’t lie, I saw you. But don’t worry, I never said owt – not even to Pete.’

  ‘What do you mean, saw me?’

  ‘I followed you,’ he admitted, shrugging casually.

  ‘You what?’

  ‘Only once, when I first got here. You were being a right bitch and I wanted to see where you kept sneaking off to. I thought you had a fella, or something.’

  ‘And what if I did?’

  ‘I’d have smacked him one!’

  Sarah was disgusted. ‘It’d be nothing to do with you! And where do you get off stalking me?’

  ‘I wasn’t!’ Vinnie retorted indignantly. ‘I had a right to find out what you were up to – the way you were going on, acting like you were too good for me. I’m not some fuckin’ sicko, like you’re making out.’

  ‘Course not!’ she muttered sarcastically.

  Vinnie cursed himself for winding her up. He was supposed to be winning her over, not starting a fight.

  ‘So, how come you stopped?’ he asked, smiling now, trying to get back on track. ‘Grafting, I mean. You must’ve been making a shit-load. You’re good,’ he added admiringly. ‘I’ll give you that.’

  Sarah ignored the backhanded compliment. She was too busy wondering what else he’d seen when he wasn’t stalking her. He knew that she’d been shoplifting, and that she’d stopped. Did he also know about her savings? Was that why he was talking to her now? Distracting her while one of his lackeys raided her stash.

  Glancing across to Pete’s table, she did a headcount: Pete, Ollie, Rob – they were all there. And Ade and Jimmy were at their own table – obviously still out of favour. But who knew the extent of Vinnie’s influence? He could have got anybody to do it for him – one of the girls, even.

  ‘What’s up?’ He frowned, turning to see what she was looking at.

  ‘Er, Dandi’s gone,’ she said, standing up, desperate to go and check her room. ‘I’d best go and find out what she wanted me for.’