Tainted Lives

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘Are you going out, babe?’ she asked now, thinking a nice quiet night in might be just what they needed.

  ‘Yeah. I’ve got a couple of new places to check out.’

  ‘Will you be long?’

  ‘What is this?’ Glen peered irritably up at her. ‘Since when have you kept tabs on me?’

  ‘I’m only asking. I just thought you might stay in for a change. Watch a film. Get an early night.’

  Sighing, Glen ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t mean to be so snappy, and he knew he was neglecting her, but it pissed him off when she questioned him. It was like living with his ex-wife again.

  ‘Maybe tomorrow, eh? I’ve got a lot of shit to sort out today.’

  ‘It’s okay. It’s not urgent.’

  Wandering back into the bedroom, Carina peered at her reflection in the dressing-table mirror, looking for signs of impending motherhood. Her eyes did look clearer, and her skin definitely had a sort of iridescent glow. It could just be the lotions she used religiously night and morning, but she believed it was more than that. Turning sideways, she ran her hands over her still-flat stomach, envisioning what it would look like with a bump. She was dreading it, but at the same time she could hardly wait.

  ‘Got any fags?’ Glen shouted up the stairs.

  ‘In my coat pocket,’ she called back. ‘Do you want me to iron your shirt?’

  ‘No, thanks. I’ve already done it.’

  Hearing his footsteps thundering up the stairs seconds later, Carina sat down on the bed and composed her face into a carefree smile. It slipped as soon as he barged through the door.

  ‘What the fuck are these?’ Glen thrust the business cards he’d found in her pocket into her face. ‘What’ve you been doing? Screwing all the travelling fucking salesmen in fucking England behind my back? Luigi’s fucking Hair Design!’ He read one scornfully. ‘Peter fucking Hernandez, Interior Decorator! I bet I know what kind of interior decorating he’s been doing, you slag!’

  ‘Glen!’ she protested, shocked by his tone. It wasn’t the first time he had raised his voice to her, but it was the first time she’d felt physically threatened. ‘They were supposed to be a surprise. I was going to have a make-over and get the house done up. And there’s one from the doctor. I was going to tell you—’

  ‘You lying bitch!’ He swiped the cards across her cheek. ‘Doctors don’t give out business cards! You think I’m fucking thick or something?’

  Carina raised a hand to her stinging cheek, her eyes wide with fear now as Glen loomed over her, shoulders hunched, his face as livid as she had ever seen it.

  ‘Babe, I swear it’s the truth,’ she croaked. ‘I went for—’

  ‘Shut your fucking mouth!’ he roared, raising his fist, his eyes blazing. ‘Don’t you ever lie to me!’

  ‘I’m not!’ she yelped, cringing back. ‘I swear it on my life, Glen! It was just—’

  ‘Get up,’ he snarled, foam bubbling at the corners of his mouth as he struggled to restrain himself. ‘Just get up and get the fuck away from me before I do something I shouldn’t! NOW!’

  Leaping up, Carina fled to the safety of the bathroom. Locking the door, she ran to the toilet and threw up. Collapsing to the floor in a gasping heap when she heard the front door slam behind Glen seconds later, she sobbed with relief. That had been truly terrifying. And if he could kick off like that over some innocent business cards, what the hell would he do if he found out about her and Vinnie? No wonder Vinnie had been so adamant that she should keep her mouth shut.

  What was she going to do now? She couldn’t pretend everything was normal after that outburst, and how was she supposed to tell him her news if he thought she was being unfaithful?

  Getting up after a while, Carina splashed her face with cold water and stared at her weepy-eyed reflection in the mirror. At least he hadn’t hit her, that was something. He’d just frightened the life out of her instead. But people did that when they were under pressure. He could have deals going wrong left, right and centre. His business could even be under threat again, for all she knew. And the drugs wouldn’t be helping. She knew for a fact that they made you go paranoid if you did enough. And some people even got schizophrenia from them, didn’t they?

  Down below, the doorbell rang. Taking a deep breath, she patted her face with the towel and went to answer it. It was Vinnie.

  ‘Where’s Glen?’ He walked straight in, a frown of irritation puckering his brow. ‘I’m supposed to be picking him up, but his car’s not outside. He’s not gone out again, has he?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She closed the door. ‘But I don’t know where. He didn’t say.’

  ‘Great,’ Vinnie muttered, glancing at his watch. ‘He could have said. He’s getting a bit fond of taking off and leaving me stranded.’

  ‘He probably just forgot you were coming,’ Carina said, waving towards the dining room. ‘I’ll make you a brew if you want to wait.’

  ‘No, I’m getting off. I’ve got better things to do than sit around here drinking tea. Tell him to ring me if he wants me.’

  Opening the door, Vinnie turned to say goodbye and noticed Carina’s red-rimmed eyes for the first time. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.

  Chin wobbling, she flapped her hands. ‘Nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’m just feeling a bit run-down.’

  Frowning, Vinnie hesitated. He couldn’t just walk out and leave her like this. She was obviously upset about something and while they weren’t as full-on now that Sarah was on the scene he owed her an ear, if nothing else. And she was looking pretty tasty today. He was sure he could squeeze a quick one in.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he asked, closing the door and going to her. ‘Come on, tell Uncle Vinnie all about it.’

  Falling against him, Carina let him push her up against the wall and pull her skirt up around her waist. She clutched at him as he unzipped his fly and thrust himself into her.

  ‘Will you run away with me?’ she blurted out as his rhythm quickened for the final leg.

  ‘You what?’ Pushing himself away from her, he peered down at her as if she’d gone crazy.

  ‘Will you, Vinnie?’

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish,’ he snapped, zipping himself up. ‘Why say something stupid like that? I thought you knew the score? I thought we had an understanding? Tell me you’re not thinking of telling Glen!’

  ‘Never!’ Gripping his sleeves now, she said, ‘I know what you meant about him now. I’ve seen it for myself.’

  ‘What’s he done?’ Apprehension gripped Vinnie’s throat like a stranglehold. ‘You haven’t told him? He hasn’t hit you, has he?’

  ‘No.’ Carina shook her head. ‘But he wanted to. I’ve never seen him like that, Vinnie. I was really frightened. Can’t you take me away? He’d never have to know we were together. We could just disappear, and—’

  ‘Pack it in!’ he barked, yanking his arms free. ‘It ain’t gonna happen – none of it. I’m not going on the run for you. Are you mad? Glen’s one of my best mates!’

  ‘Shag all of your mates’ women, do you?’ she screamed, her face distorting with anger and rejection.

  ‘Not that again,’ Vinnie groaned, running a weary hand over his eyes. ‘Look, behave yourself, Carina. I don’t want you like that. I never have. You’re just an easy lay. That’s it.’

  Tears streaming down her cheeks, Carina bunched her hands into fists and hammered his chest. ‘I’m pregnant, you bastard! And it’s probably yours, so now what have you got to say?’

  Throwing her up against the wall, Vinnie grabbed her by the throat. ‘Don’t even try that one on me. You’re on the Pill. You told me you were.’

  ‘Yeah, I am, but it’s not infallible.’

  ‘Bullshit! You’re pulling a fast one.’

  ‘I’m not, Vinnie. I swear it. The doctor told me today. He said the type of Pill I’m on is only eighty-odd per cent.’

  ‘So why didn’t you tell me that in the first place? I would have made double sure. You couldn�
�t seriously think I’d want a bastard with you?’

  ‘Don’t, Vinnie. You’re being really cruel.’

  ‘Cruel?’ Vinnie snorted. ‘Come off it, Carina. I’m not playing games here. You can mess up your own life as much as you want, but you ain’t taking me down with you.’

  Peering up into his eyes, Carina felt the pain turn to stone-cold anger.

  ‘Who is she, Vinnie?’ she asked, as calmly as if they had been discussing the weather. ‘Come on . . . You can’t keep denying it. It’s obvious. Who is this bitch you’d turn your back on your own child for?’

  ‘Whatever’s growing inside you is nothing to do with me,’ he hissed, lowering his face until their noses were almost touching. ‘And if you tell Glen any different, I’ll kill you. Do you understand me?’

  Laughing bitterly, she said, ‘Two threats in less than an hour. How lucky am I?’

  ‘You are lucky,’ he told her venomously. ‘Lucky I’m not putting an end to all this bullshit right now. I could, you know? And I’d get away with it, too. My jeep’s right outside the door. I could snap your neck, wrap you in a blanket and carry you away, without a single person seeing me.’

  Instinctively knowing that he was capable of doing exactly that, Carina dropped her gaze.

  Peering at her for a few more seconds, Vinnie pushed himself away and straightened his clothes.

  ‘Don’t ever say anything like that again,’ he said, calmer now. ‘Right?’

  ‘Right,’ she murmured, holding her throat between her hands.

  Without another word, Vinnie stalked out.

  Sliding down the wall, Carina thought about what he’d said and felt the anger return. Why the hell should he get to walk away from this without a care in the world while everything collapsed around her head? It wasn’t right. And she wasn’t going to let it happen.

  Hauling herself up, she ran upstairs and repaired the damage that the two men in her life had inflicted. Covering the puffy skin around her eyes and the redness of her nose with foundation, she lined her eyes and slicked a fresh coat of tinted gloss onto her lips.

  Snatching up her keys, Carina headed out with revenge in mind.

  Sarah jumped when Vinnie came in with a murderous scowl on his face. He hadn’t long gone out and she hadn’t expected him back for hours. Putting down the magazine she was reading, she said, ‘What’s the matter? Has something happened?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he snapped, throwing his jacket over the back of the couch and slumping down.

  Frowning, she got up and hung the garment on the coat-stand. There must be something wrong for him to throw his clothes around like that. Vinnie hated things to be out of place.

  ‘Can’t you make Kimmy eat her biscuits at the table?’ he complained, fussily picking a crumb off the couch cushion. ‘You know I can’t stand mess on the furniture.’

  Sarah felt immediately guilty. She had given Kimmy two biscuits a couple of hours earlier. She had cleaned up after her, but obviously not well enough.

  ‘Sorry,’ she apologized. ‘I didn’t realize she’d made a mess.’

  ‘I’m not asking much,’ he went on tetchily. ‘I just want a clean house.’

  ‘Yes, I know. It won’t happen again. Coffee?’ Smiling, she went towards the kitchen.

  ‘Just a minute.’ Vinnie called her back. ‘I want a word.’

  Coming to sit beside him on the couch, Sarah looked at him expectantly.

  ‘I want us to have a baby,’ he announced.

  ‘Pardon?’ She drew her head back.

  ‘I want us to have a baby,’ he repeated. ‘One of our own.’

  A warning bell clanged in Sarah’s head.

  ‘But I thought you loved Kimmy?’

  ‘I do, but it’s not the same as having your own flesh and blood, is it?’

  ‘I know. But I wasn’t thinking of having any more just yet.’

  ‘Don’t be so fucking selfish!’ He glared at her, his eyes colder than she ever remembered seeing them. ‘This isn’t for you, it’s for me. You’ve had yours, now I want mine.’

  ‘Vinnie!’ She was shocked. ‘Don’t talk to me like that. We’ve only been together a couple of months – don’t you think it’s a bit soon?’

  Getting up, Vinnie snatched his jacket off the stand and pulled it on. Wrenching the door open, he said, ‘Let me know when you’ve decided.’ Then he marched out.

  Sarah sat and looked at the door long after he’d gone. Where the hell had that come from? And where did he get off talking to her like that?

  This was not turning out the way she had envisioned at all. And it wasn’t only Vinnie’s attitude just now, or his complaints about her lack of housewife skills. She was seeing far less of him than she had when he had been visiting her at her flat, and when he did come home he was getting more and more uptight. She knew that his work was important to him, but she had wondered if his frequent absences were a symptom of discontent. Maybe he was regretting his decision to open his immaculate bachelor pad to a woman and child? But why, then, would he want a second child to further disrupt his life if that was the case?

  Sarah might not have been quite so averse to the idea if Vinnie hadn’t approached it so aggressively, but she found it disturbing that he had said he wanted one of his own. Not just one that hadn’t been fathered by another man but one that was separate from her as well.

  Not for you, for me . . . You’ve had yours, I want mine.

  Getting up, she wandered into the kitchen to find something to do. She needed to occupy herself otherwise she would drive herself crazy with ifs and buts.

  Opening every cupboard, she removed all the tins and bottles and set about cleaning the shelves.

  Was she being paranoid, Sarah wondered as she scrubbed, or had Vinnie really meant it the way it had sounded? Still, whether or not he intended to cut her out of the picture, she would have to seriously think about this bolshie new attitude of his before she put on the white suit hanging in her wardrobe and agreed to honour and obey. There was no way she was going to let any man obliterate her right to decide what she did with her own body, no matter how much she loved him.

  Carina’s car idled up to the kerb. Vinnie’s jeep wasn’t here, so he obviously hadn’t come straight home after leaving her. She decided to hang around for a while, hoping she might get lucky and see his mystery woman.

  Leaning across the passenger seat, she gazed at the windows of Vinnie’s ground-floor flat, looking for signs of movement within. Not seeing any after a few minutes, she threw the car into gear and headed home. She longed to march inside, bang on the door and set the bitch straight, but she couldn’t risk it. She’d have to show ID to the security guard, and Vinnie would find out she had been there. He would go ballistic.

  But that didn’t mean Carina was going to give up. She would just come back later. Or tomorrow. Or every day, until she’d done what she needed to do. If this baby she was carrying was Vinnie’s there was no way he was walking off into the sunset with his new woman and playing happy families.

  39

  West rang Jenny as soon as he got home after work. He’d been thinking about her all day, couldn’t wait to see her again.

  ‘That date,’ he said when she answered. ‘How does tonight grab you? I can be ready by eight. I’ll pick you up and take you to this great restaurant I know in—’

  ‘Sorry, babe,’ Jenny interrupted. ‘I’m working.’

  ‘What, again?’

  ‘Yes, again. It’s pretty regular, this manager lark. Can’t just take time off whenever you feel like it, you know. I’m off on Sunday, if you think you can wait that long.’

  ‘Looks like I’ll have to, doesn’t it?’ he grumbled.

  ‘You can always call in and see me at work,’ she suggested.

  ‘What, and have everyone think I’m after a bit of the other?’ he snorted. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Oh, well, we’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned way then, won’t we? Over the phone.’


  ‘I’m retiring soon, don’t forget. It’ll take more than a few phone calls to keep my blood flowing.’

  ‘Better start thinking of ways to fill your time, then, hadn’t you?’ Jenny teased. ‘I’m an independent woman with a very busy schedule. Subject of which, babe, sorry to rush you, but I’m going to have to go. I was just on my way out of the door when you rang. There’s a staff meeting tonight, and I’ve got loads to do after that. Are we on for Sunday?’

  West smiled. ‘We’re on.’

  At a loose end, having been blown out – in the nicest possible way – by Jenny, West showered for the third time that day and headed over to Harry’s hotel, as eager now as Harry himself to find Sarah. He was still labelling it as curiosity, but he knew it was more than that. It was the excitement of the hunt. And after several dull months, thanks to the recent truce between the rival gun gangs, he needed all the excitement he could get.

  Bypassing the receptionist, he inspected himself in the elevator’s mirrored walls as he travelled up to the third floor. He thought he looked younger than usual. Maybe retirement wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

  Harry opened the door when he knocked and pulled him inside. Rushing back to his seat, he said, ‘This program is amazing.’

  ‘Christ,’ West muttered worriedly, following him across the room. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve got into it? I thought I told you to forget that.’

  ‘Sorry, I’m a bit deaf.’

  ‘A bit fucking stupid more like,’ West snapped. Peering over Harry’s shoulder, he saw that the kid had not only hacked into the supposedly impregnable program, he had also managed to split the screen into four windows, each showing a different category of highly restricted information. ‘Oh, shit,’ he muttered. ‘What have you done? We’re gonna get hammered. I’m gonna get hammered!’

  ‘No, you’re not,’ Harry murmured without looking up. ‘I’ve put a block on it. Even if anyone picked up a signal of any sort, they’d never find out where it’s coming from.’