He collapsed on top of her, both of them gasping and panting and wrapped around each other. After a minute, he lifted his head, looked into her eyes, and said, “I love you, Toni.” He swept stray curls back from her sweaty forehead. “I love you.”
She stared back at him, her heart expanding in her chest. Before she knew it, she was whispering back, “I love you, too. I’m not just saying it back because you said it. I really do love you, Gavin.”
He smiled, electric blue eyes alight, and kissed her firmly. “I never expected this. This is amazing,” he murmured in a daze.
“It is. But it’s also awful,” she whispered. “You’re leaving in five days.” She shook her head and her eyes got glassy. “What are we going to do?”
Chapter Seventeen
‡
Gavin stared back into her eyes, watching her features change and fill with melancholy. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve been mulling that over myself.”
“You have?”
“Aye. For days, now. Because the thought of not being with you…” The muscles in his jaw tightened. He kissed her again. “I didn’t expect to find you, Toni. But now that I have, and we feel so right together… I can’t just let ya go. I don’t want to.”
He couldn’t read her. She looked scared and sad and happy and moved, all at the same time. So many emotions flickered through those hazel eyes, he couldn’t keep up. But she didn’t say anything. He had no idea what to make of that. Was she even breathing? She was still wrapped around him, beneath him, but she was still as stone.
Realizing he was still inside her, he withdrew slowly and rolled out of bed. He reached for the tissues, his back to her. “Tell ya what,” he said over his shoulder. “Why don’t we shower, have some breakfast. Go down to the deck, or the beach. Just hang out for a while. And we’ll talk. But for real this time. No distractions.”
“That sounds good,” she said. “You go first, you take a faster shower than me.”
He turned back to her, leaned down to tip up her chin, and sealed a long kiss to her lips. “Meet ya downstairs. I’ll make coffee.”
He grabbed his shorts and pulled them back on, then picked up the rest of his clothes and left the room. He hoped he’d played it right; being casual, yet still insisting they talk about what had just happened. Because if there were ever a picture perfect example for the word “unsure”, it had just been Toni Westmore’s wide-eyed face.
*
By the time Toni walked into the kitchen, the coffee was made, bagels were toasted, and Gavin was pushing scrambled eggs from a pan onto their plates.
“Oh, my God,” she smiled, going to him. “You’re a doctor, an incredible lover, and you cook, too? You can’t be real. You’re a fairy tale, right?”
“I’m a man of many talents,” he grinned back. He put the empty pan back on the stove, then took her into his arms, locking his fingers at the small of her back as he leaned down for a kiss. “But I assure you I’m no fairy tale. I’m very real. With many flaws, like anyone else.”
“Still. Men as good as you aren’t supposed to exist,” she murmured. “I haven’t been with any, until you.”
“I’m far from perfect, Toni.”
“I didn’t say perfect. I said good. Genuinely good. Which you are. Perfect doesn’t exist. Besides…” She sighed and lifted her hands to his face. The gold morning stubble on his jaw felt deliciously masculine beneath her fingers. “If you were perfect, you wouldn’t be leaving.”
“Ah. True.” His forehead rested against hers. “I wish I didn’t have to yet.”
“Me too,” she whispered. “And so soon. I want—need—more time with you.”
“I feel the same. I wish… Christ, I wish a lot of things.” He pressed a kiss to her mouth and gestured to the table. “Sit, eat while it’s still warm.”
Both ravenously hungry, they almost cleared their plates before sitting back to sip their coffee and launch into a discussion.
“There’s phone calls, email, texting, and Skype,” he began. “That’s a lot, all good. The everyday contact. But also, you’ll visit me when you can, and I’ll come visit you. Every three months, perhaps? We can take turns, though I’ll likely come here more often since Sean and Anna are here, too. But Toni…” He reached for her hands. “This can’t just be over when I leave on Sunday night. This can’t be the end of us. We just found each other.”
She gaped at him as her heart thudded. “I feel the same way.”
“Good.” He intertwined their fingers while holding her gaze. “I want you in my life. So let’s figure this out, together. You want that too, right?”
“I do. And I love everything you’re saying,” she said. “But… how realistic is it? I mean, right now we’re together, so it seems like anything’s possible. But long distance relationships… especially an across the ocean kind of long distance… they rarely work.”
He frowned. “I know. But if we want to make it work, we make it work.”
“That’s very romantic. But I just…” Her face flushed and her eyes flickered away. “You’ll get tired of it after a while, won’t you? It’ll start out great, but you’ll get tired of the distance, the extra work, and slowly slip away. And I don’t think I could take that.”
His mouth set in a thin line as he stared at her. He squeezed her hands, willing her to look at him. “Do ya think that little of me?”
“No!” she said. “I’m just trying to be realistic.”
“No, you’re speculating. I won’t slip away from you. Hell, I can’t get enough of you. I told you from the beginning, I’m a sure bet, remember?” She grinned at their inside joke, and he grinned back with a moment of relief. “Toni, I think you’re scared witless. So you’re already looking for a reason for it not to work. I get that.” His thumbs rubbed the back of her hands, trying to soothe. “But if this has a shot at bein’ anything, you have to trust me more. I trust you, Toni. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be suggesting all these ways to make this work. If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t love you. And I do love you.”
Her eyes welled up. “God, you take my breath away.” She sniffed hard, willing back the threatening tears. “You’re saying all the right things. I want so much to believe this could work out somehow—”
“Then believe it will, and it will,” he said. “I know that sounds cliché, but it really is that simple.”
She rose from her seat and climbed onto his lap. He held her close and kissed her. “I love you, too,” she said quietly. “I’ve never felt this way about someone, much less someone I’ve only known a handful of weeks. But I know what I feel is real. I want you so much. And yes, that scares the hell out of me. You’re right on that.”
His hand swept up and down her back as he murmured, “Honestly? I’m a wee bit scared as well. But I want you in my life enough to take the risk.”
She slanted her mouth over his, soft kisses of pure affection.
“One step at a time,” he whispered. “We’ll just take it one step at a time, and see what happens. You with me?”
“Gavin…” She bit down on her lip. “I’m with you. I want this. But what happens if we try this and it doesn’t work?”
“Toni.” He stared into her eyes, compelling her. “Antonella Josefina.” The side of his mouth twitched, a hint of a grin. “What happens if we try this and it does?”
She stared back, her mind reeling. She wanted to try. She wanted to believe. “I’ve disliked my name my whole life, but when you say it, it sounds like music.” Her arms slid around his neck, and his tightened around her waist. “It’s like you said. This feels so right. I just found you. I don’t want to lose you yet.” Her tears wet the side of his neck. “I don’t want to lose you at all.”
“I don’t want that either. So believe in me. In us.” He kissed her temple and rubbed her back. “We can make this work, Toni. I know we can.”
That made her throat tighten. Without knowing it, he’d just hit on another part of her deeper hesitan
ce. No one knew how Mike’s nastiness had shaped her and her subsequent choices. She’d kind of half-assed dating and relationships, never really dug all in and stuck with it. The only thing she’d ever committed to heart and soul was getting her art history degree. But not a good job, not a good man… because if she didn’t put herself out there, she couldn’t fail at it. Mike’s degradation had worn her down, smashed her self-esteem. By the time she graduated, she’d toned down her ambitions… because she was no longer sure if she was good enough. If she played it safe, she couldn’t get hurt.
But now, with Gavin… her heart was throwing her all in, whether she liked it or not. She didn’t want to play it safe. She wanted him too much. Enough to try, to believe.
“Yes.” She nodded and sniffled against his skin. “Okay. Yes, we’ll do this.”
They sat holding each other close for a few minutes until she lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “There’s so much to take in. I need you to understand. I am happy, but overwhelmed at the same time. A little terrified. I mean…”
“I know,” he said, rubbing her back. “Same here.” He cupped her chin in his hand. “I do understand. That’s why I won’t let you go.”
She kissed him hard, the feelings all flooding her. “Come on. Let’s go have our coffee out on the deck. We’re missing a gorgeous day.”
*
The days and nights flew by too quickly. Toni thought she might be running on pure adrenaline. She and Gavin just fit. They’d found each other and they were crazy happy—silly with it, dizzy with it. They spent the days outside, soaking up sun and fresh air either on the deck or on the beach. They made dinner together or went out, and spent some time at the Nest each evening to be with Anna. But late nights were theirs, going back to her bedroom and locking the door. Along with the steamy lovemaking, they were always talking, asking questions to know more about each other, discussing the minutiae, the important, and everything in between.
Already they’d decided that he’d come to visit her for Christmas and stay for ten days, especially since Sean and Cassandra’s baby would arrive by then. The fall would be too busy for him, starting in pediatrics, so she’d try to go to visit him in Ireland in the end of September or beginning of October for a few days. It depended on her job situation at that point. That was something she still stayed noncommittal about.
Her doubts and fears had been raised again. Her relationship with Gavin made her believe in herself in a way she hadn’t in years… but could she parlay that into a better job, putting herself out there again? She’d never realized what a little cocoon she’d made herself in the gallery. It was safe, and she hated it. She’d imprisoned herself.
Late on Saturday night, they lay in bed, curled into each other amidst tangled sheets. The only noise in the room was the low hum of her air conditioner. Compared to the heavy panting and moans just a few minutes before, the room felt quiet and still. Her head rested on his shoulder as her fingers trailed along his chest, around his nipples, down his side and up again.
“Tomorrow’s our last day together,” he murmured. “Twenty-four hours from now, I’ll be on the plane.”
“Shhhhh.” She quieted him with a kiss. “I can’t take it. Please let’s not talk about it, not tonight. We can start being sad tomorrow.”
He nodded and pulled her closer. They lay that way for a long time, holding each other and caressing every inch of skin their hands could reach.
Then, just as she started to fall asleep, he said, “Toni, remember when we were at the Met, and you said it was time for a change?”
“Sure,” she said. “God, that was such a perfect day.”
“It was. One of the best ever.” He smiled and kissed her forehead. “You meant you wanted to change your job, right?”
“Yeah. Why?” Her always greedy hands traveled up his chest, needing contact.
“And you’ve spoken about needing an advanced degree,” he continued. “That it’s somethin’ you’d like to pursue, perhaps with bank loans or whatever, right?”
“Yeeeesss…” She lifted her head to look at his face. “Where are you going with this?”
He stared at her for a long beat, then said, “I’ve been thinking. And I… know what, wait a minute. I want to get something.” He got out of bed, put on his glasses and pulled on his athletic shorts, and left the room. When he returned two minutes later, he held a sheath of papers. Sitting on the bed, he held it out to her and said, “I wondered… I researched some things, and I wonder if you’ll have a look at it.”
Toni’s brows furrowed as she sat up, tucking the sheet beneath her arms. “Sure. What is it?”
Gavin handed her the papers. As she glanced over the top page, he watched her with breath held, trying to gauge her reaction. He watched her eyes fly wide, then spots of color slowly spread on her cheeks.
“Are you suggesting what I think you are?” she choked out.
“Why not? You said you wanted to do this…” He leaned over and thumbed through the pages, finding the one he wanted her to see most. “Look, all the information’s there. Trinity College has an advanced degree program in art history that completely suits you. You do this, with the experience ya already have? The kind of job you want will be yours for the taking. And if you go full-time, you’d be done in a year; if not, you could do it in two.”
She looked from his face, down to the papers she held, back up to his face again. “You can’t be serious.”
His gaze intensified along with his voice as he said, “I’m dead serious. Come to Ireland, Toni. I want you with me.”
Chapter Eighteen
‡
“What?” Toni stared at Gavin in shock and sputtered, “Move to Ireland? Get my degree there? I… I can’t…”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t believe you’re suggesting this. I mean…”
“I love you.” His hands covered hers. “Knowing I have to leave soon has been harder each day. Like some life clock is ticking the minutes away on my good times, until I have to leave you, and I don’t want to. So I thought about what ya said, what you’ve been sayin’. How ya hate your job, want to get an advanced degree, do something more…” He drew a deep breath, anxiety pricking him at the look on her face. “I figured, well, if you’re goin’ to do that eventually, why not now? Why not move to Ireland, give it a shot, try it for a year? The program is top notch, worthy of you. You could get your degree… be with me…”
His eyes held hers as he felt her hands start to tremble in his. “And if it goes well, and we’re solid, maybe… well, who knows?” He lifted her hands to his lips and kissed all her knuckles one by one. “Could be an adventure, Toni. A fresh start, with a man who’s absolutely mad for ya. Why not take a chance? Not just on me, on us, but on yourself.”
Her mouth and throat were so dry now; it was as if she’d swallowed cotton. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It was so dreamy and idyllic and perfect that it terrified her down to her core. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough to get into that program. I can’t.
Throwing back the sheets, she got out of bed and went to her dresser. She grabbed and pulled on a pair of panties, then snatched the mint green sundress from where she’d let it drop to the floor and yanked it on over her head.
“Talk to me,” he said quietly, watching her.
“I will. I just… I need to think,” she murmured, heading for the door.
Frowning hard, he stood and reached for her arm. “Toni. I know it’s a lot all at once, but talk to me.”
“There’s so much in my head, I don’t know where to start,” she rasped. “I need to process all this. I need to think about it…” She slid her arm from his grasp and looked around, her heart pounding wildly against her ribs. Her hand came up to rub her chest, which felt tight. “I, um… I need something to drink. I’ll be back in a minute.”
He nodded, still watching her with concern. “I’ll wait for you here.”
She nodded back absently
and went down the stairs, into the kitchen. Her heartbeat was erratic, and she tried to take slow, deep breaths to calm herself.
What the hell just happened? her mind screamed. Move to Ireland? Get a degree at Trinity College? Be with him… whaaaat?
She leaned against the sliding door to stare outside, still rubbing her constricted chest with tiny circles of her fingers. Too many thoughts… the look on his face… she stared out into the night, longing to breathe the salty air and feel the water tickle her feet while she got her head together…
Next thing she knew, she was outside, walking the half block to the beach by herself in a daze. Her heart still thumped hard as she tried to calm the chaos in her head. Cars drove by, and voices of people out for their Saturday night bar crawls echoed through the air. They felt intrusive, jarring, and irritated her even more. She needed peace. She needed to think, and to do that alone.
Hitting the sand, she reached down, pulled off her flip-flops, and made her way across the beach towards the water. The sand had cooled in the nighttime and felt wonderfully soft under her bare feet. Warm, thick winds blew her hair around; the humidity was so heavy she could feel it like mist against her bare arms. The welcome, familiar salty scent of the ocean floated on the air, calling her to it like a siren’s song.
She stood by the water’s edge, letting the strong winds push her hair back from her face. The water crept in and out, caressing her feet. A chill floated over her skin, and she wrapped her arms around herself. It was only then she realized she was trembling, and it wasn’t from the warm, soupy night air.
Gavin wanted her to move to Ireland?!?
He must be insane. She couldn’t possibly do that! They were just too new. Yes, there was a strong connection between them, almost unexplainable, but they’d known each other for a month. He wanted her to leave everything she knew? To give up her room in the beach house, quit her job, leave her family… not just the state, but the country! What if she did—uprooted everything and went there—and it didn’t work out? Then where would she be, what would she do?
His Love Page 15
