Toni felt the blood drain from her face as she whispered, “That’s not true.”
“Which part?” Anna asked. Her hands went to her hips as she stared Toni down.
“Hey,” Joe said softly, peering at Anna. “Take it easy.”
“I’m fine,” Toni said, but her voice felt small.
“No, you’re not,” Wren said. “It’s all over you. So talk to us.”
Toni’s eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, she had no appetite. Shaking her head, she walked out of the kitchen and went back up to her room.
Two minutes later, there was a knock on her door. “Toni, can I come in?” Anna sounded repentant. “I didn’t mean to come off like such a bloody shrew. Let me in, I need to hug ya and we need to talk. You need to talk to someone, woman. I’m here.”
Sniffling back her tears, Toni went to the door and opened it.
Anna stood before her, looking guilty. “Ah bloody hell, ya poor thing.” She took Toni into her embrace and held her.
Toni crumpled. “I do want him.” She sobbed. “But I don’t see how it’ll work. And then he was unbelievably sweet and took me off guard and asked me to move to Dublin and I freaked out and I ended up hurting him and I didn’t mean to and now he’s leaving and I fucked it all up.”
“Shhhh, shh shhhh.” Anna rubbed her friend’s back as she cried, then led her to sit on the bed. Anna handed Toni the box of tissues and commanded, “Breathe. Cry first, then talk. You’re a blubberin’ mess.”
Toni couldn’t help but laugh as she pulled out tissues. “You’re awesome, you know that?” She mopped at her face, took a few deep breaths, and calmed herself. Then she told Anna what had happened the night before.
At the end of it, Anna looked at her and asked flatly, “Well, it sounds to me like just a whole lot of overemotional mixed signals. You two need to sit down calmly and talk and it’d all get sorted, don’t ya think?”
“I don’t know,” Toni hedged. “I love him, Anna. I really do. But if we’re not going to live in the same country, how will it work? Seriously?”
Anna shrugged. “If you want it bad enough, ya take it one step at a time, that’s all. Makes sense to me. But not to you, apparently.”
“He wants me to move to Ireland!”
“For a short time. To see if you even like it.” Anna’s gaze roamed over her friend before she announced, “Jaysus, you’re scared shitless.”
Toni huffed out a laugh, but didn’t say anything.
“Know what?” Anna said. “You need more time to think. That’s all.”
“I don’t have more time. He’s leaving tonight.”
“I know. So what are you goin’ to do about it?”
“I can’t just pick up and leave my life here!” Toni cried, throwing up her hands.
“Why not? Seriously, I’m playin’ devil’s advocate. You hate your job. Hate it!” Anna said. “Since I’ve known you, you’ve never dated a man for more than three months. You don’t own a house, and you lease your car. Now you’ve found a bloody good man, who’s crazy in love with you, respects you enough to look into how to get the kind of career you want, and ya shot him down. That’s not about your life here, or him. It’s about you.” Her eyes narrowed as she leaned in. “Sweetie, you’ve coasted as long as we’ve been friends. Waffled. You don’t commit so you don’t get burned. I know what I’m talkin’ about, because I do the same bloody thing. That’s why I’m calling you on your bullshit, because I see it so clearly. Ya hear me? I get it.”
Toni was frozen where she sat.
The front door downstairs slammed, and Joe’s and Gavin’s voices floated up the stairs. Toni’s heart started to beat in thicker, heavier thumps.
“You don’t want him to commit to being with you long distance, that’s fine,” Anna said. “But don’t let him leave here feelin’ like dirt for trying. It’s his last day here, for Chrissake. Do that for him.”
Toni nodded. “You’re right.”
Anna grabbed her hands and squeezed, her blue eyes pinning her. “Whatever happens, you and I are friends. That doesn’t change. Ya got that?”
“Thank you,” Toni whispered, leaning in for a hug.
“Ah, ya numpty.” Anna hugged her back. “For what it’s worth,” she said into her hair, “I’ve never seen him as happy as he’s been in this short time with you. And I’ve never seen you so happy either. I’d really hate to see that end. For both your sakes.” She pulled back, offered a little smile, and said, “Don’t forget we’re goin’ out to dinner at five, his sendoff. You’re comin’ with us, like it or not. I’ll drag ya if I have to.”
“You won’t have to drag me.” Toni sniffled and wiped her eyes. “Go, you go, let me straighten myself up. I’ll be down soon.”
Anna stood, kissed the top of her head, and walked out. Toni heard her talking to Gavin in the hallway; he must have come up. She heard him say he needed a shower, they exchanged a little more patter, then she heard what must have been Anna’s footsteps going back down the stairs. She took a deep, cleansing breath, then stood and looked in the mirror and fixed her makeup. It was all smudged and smeared. With a groan, she grabbed a tissue to scrub under her eyes.
She loved him. She hated that he thought she didn’t want him after all, hated that with everything she had. She’d never wanted anyone in her life more than Gavin; that was one of the main reasons she was so confused and twisted up inside. Anna was right. She was scared shitless, pure and simple.
*
After a shower, Gavin started to pack. He didn’t have a lot, but he did want to have it ready. His flight to Dublin departed from JFK at midnight, so he’d have to be there at nine-thirty, ten the latest. He made sure his passport, ticket, and wallet were together on the night stand as he mindlessly put his clothes in the suitcase.
Mindless. Going through the motions. Inside, he was both hurting and numb. Interesting paradox, that, he thought.
There was a soft knock at the door. “Hold on,” he called, putting the gifts he had taken out back inside the drawer, out of sight. Then he went to the door and opened it to find Toni standing there. She looked miserable, her eyes puffy and sad.
“You can’t leave like this,” she whispered. “We love each other.”
His heart seized as he said, “I thought it’s what you wanted. That you didn’t want to be with me and to just let it go.”
“God, no.” She shook her head and tears slipped from her eyes. “Why would you think that?”
“You wouldn’t talk to me.”
“Because I’m confused and I need time to think and I don’t have it.” She swallowed a sob. “You’re leaving in a few hours. This is it. And it’s killing me.”
He pulled her into his arms and hauled her against him, holding her tight. Crushing herself to him, she started to sob brokenly. He pulled her into his room, closed the door, and held her close, shushing her to soothe her.
“I’m so sorry,” she said between sobs, crumpled against him. “I didn’t want our last night together to be like last night. Or this now.”
“Neither did I,” he said, rubbing her back. “I’m sorry, too.”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” she insisted. “It was all me.”
“No, it wasn’t. I sprung all that on you—”
“And it was wonderful!” she cried, pulling back enough to look up at him. “You’re thoughtful and romantic and kind and—”
“And I took you off guard with some major things to think about,” he said, wiping her wet cheeks with tender swipes of his fingers. “I shouldn’t have. Not last night. I should have let things go for a while, then brought that up. I just didn’t… I didn’t want to let you go, at all. Or to leave without you knowing how much you mean to me, and trying to make something work for us.”
She cried harder. “I don’t want you to leave either. This is horrible.”
“But it doesn’t have to be over, Toni. And you’re acting like it does. That’s what concerns me.” His hands r
ubbed her back, her hair. “I thought you ended us last night.”
“I thought maybe I should,” she admitted in a creaky voice. “I mean, it’s going to be so hard. Different countries, different time zones. Finding ways to talk, or visit… I just don’t know…”
Something in him stiffened, twisting his insides. He pulled back and gripped her shoulders. “If you don’t believe in us, you need to tell me that now.” His stare was unyielding, searching. “I understand fear, and I know it’s going to be hard. But I’m willing. If you don’t believe we can do this, or want to, then you need to tell me. I need to know the truth.”
She looked back into his eyes, anxiety flooding her. Maybe he was right, and letting him go now was the right thing to do. If she was hesitating, there had to be a reason, right? But she didn’t want it to be over. She’d never been so confused in her damn life. Why had her brain just totally short circuited in the past twenty four hours? She only knew one thing for sure. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. But do you think we can make this work?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t either. Let me rephrase. Do you want to?”
“Gavin!” Anna’s shout resounded through the house. “Toni! Time to go. Dinner’s a-waitin’! We’re all here at the door.”
They stared at each other.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go to dinner,” she whispered, sniffling hard and wiping her face. “I’m a wreck, and I’m making a mess of everything. Jesus, I don’t know myself right now.”
He shook his head, pushing her hair back from her face. “I’m a wreck, too, believe me.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, and they kissed with such sweetness it made him ache. “Come to dinner,” he whispered against her lips. “Please. I want you with me as much as possible before I leave. I don’t want to waste another minute of our time together. I don’t care if you’re a soggy mess. I just want you next to me.”
She whimpered, obviously moved, then gave him a lingering kiss. “Okay, Doc. I’ll come to dinner. Give me two minutes to clean up my face.”
“Your face is fine,” he said with unabashed affection, his eyes travelling over her features. “Gorgeous and stunning and perfect.” He stared, trying to memorize every beautiful detail. Because something told him after tonight, he might not ever see her face in person again.
Chapter Twenty
‡
Toni stared out the window of the car, the lights of houses and stores blurring by as they drove over the Atlantic Beach Bridge to Kennedy Airport. Joe drove, Anna sat in the passenger seat, and Toni was curled tightly into Gavin’s side in the back seat, forcing herself not to cry. Their fingers lay intertwined in his lap and he rested his head against hers, sometimes tipping her face up for a kiss in between the banter he traded with Joe and his sister.
Dinner had been fine, even fun. The five of them had enjoyed a good time despite the sad yearning that Toni made herself swallow. After, they all went down to the beach for a short walk by the ocean before it was time for Gavin to leave. Wren said her goodbye then and went to work; Anna had told her boss she’d be in around nine-thirty or ten. Gavin went upstairs to get his things, Toni swallowed back the emotions that were threatening to drown her, and the four of them left for the airport.
Now, as the music played and the wind blew warm into the windows with Gavin’s strong solidness next to her, she could pretend everything would be fine. But she knew better. She’d never answered his last question, and though he was also putting on a good show that all was well, she knew it bothered him. She felt it. But she wouldn’t lie to make him feel better. She couldn’t say the words to make him feel better if she wasn’t sure they were true.
She had a lot to think about.
She listened as Gavin and Anna talked about what his new job would be like, going into pediatrics. They talked about their family, and about Ireland, and about when Gavin would come at Christmas to see Sean and the new baby… and then, too quickly, they were at the airport. Joe found his way through the maze of roads to the terminal where Aer Lingus was and pulled up to the curb. The security people waving at and directing cars eyed them briefly but let them be, seeing they were dropping off a passenger. It was crowded and busy, with people on the sidewalk all pulling suitcases and heading to the doors, but it was always crowded and busy. It was New York.
Gavin pulled his suitcase and duffel bag from the trunk and set them on the sidewalk. First he and Joe embraced briefly, clapping each other on the back and exchanging goodbyes. Joe tossed a wink at Toni before going back around to get in the driver’s seat. Anna grabbed her brother and hugged him tight. Toni watched them whisper to each other, then Anna gave him a kiss on the cheek and he gave the ends of her blue-tipped hair a gentle tug.
“Thanks again,” he said. “For everything.”
“My pleasure.” She smiled. “I’m so glad you had a good holiday.”
“Ya know I did,” he told her.
“Got your passport?”
“Right here.” Gavin tapped the side pocket of his duffel bag. “Be good, Annie.”
“Aye, you too. See you at Christmas. Hug Ma and Da for me.” She glanced over at her friend before she got in the car.
Gavin turned to look at Toni. She let her eyes roam over him, imprinting him to memory. Tall and handsome, dark blond hair that now had gold highlights from all his time in the sun, jeans that hung low on his narrow hips, blue T-shirt that brought out his gorgeous eyes behind those glasses… oh, how she loved his eyes. And that smile.
“Listen,” she said. “No matter what happens, I need you to know I’ve been happier with you than any other man in my life. That I’ll never forget our time together these past few weeks. And that I love you. If I make you doubt anything else, never doubt that. Okay?”
His stare intensified and a muscle jumped in his tight jaw. “Why does that sound like a forever goodbye instead of a see-you-in-a-few-months goodbye?” he asked in a low voice.
“Because I don’t know what will happen,” she whispered. “I’m just… being realistic, Gavin.”
He stepped right up to her, so close his chest brushed against her breasts. “I’ve said it all. I’ve done what I could. You know how I feel, what I want.” He exhaled a long, deep breath. “I’m not going to stop loving you, Toni. And I’m not going to give up on us. But there’s only so much I can do now. So, I suppose, it’s really up to you.”
“You’re putting it all on me?” she asked, incredulous.
“No. But let’s face it: I’m the one who’s clear on what I want, and what I’m willing to do to make us work. You’re not.” His gaze flickered over her face. “When you figure it out, you know where to find me. Until then, I’ll give ya some space.”
Her stomach twisted. On one hand, he was giving her what she’d pretty much asked for. On the other hand, it sounded like she was losing him.
“I’ll be quite busy with startin’ pediatrics in September,” he said. “Which is good, because all I’ll be able to think about is you.” He pulled her to him, one arm around her waist, one hand fisted in her hair, and gave her a deep, long, passionate kiss. She clung to him, kissing him back, holding him as tight as she could.
“We’ll talk soon,” he promised. “Okay?”
She nodded, her throat too thick to speak.
“All right, then.” He kissed her once more, then released her and stepped back. Removing the ticket and passport from the side pocket of the duffel bag, he slung it over his shoulder and grabbed the handle of his suitcase. He looked down at her one last time. “This summer fling was perfect,” he said, his voice husky. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time. I love you, Antonella Josefina. More than you can imagine.”
Her tears welled and spilled over in seconds. “I love you, too.”
His mouth curved in a sad half-grin, then he turned and walked away, pulling the wheeled suitcase behind him. She watched as he disappeared into the large gla
ss doors of the terminal.
Her heart thumping rapidly, Toni swiped away the tears and got into the car.
“You okay?” Anna asked gently.
“Of course not,” Toni said, her voice like gravel. She took a deep breath and sank back against the seat. Joe played the music loud so she wouldn’t have to talk with them.
Soon, they were back at the house. Toni stared up at the place she’d called home for over three years. She didn’t want to go inside. Dragging her feet, she went up the stairs, into the house, and sure enough, it felt empty now, knowing Gavin was gone. The ache of it filled her, flooding her head and her heart, but she swallowed it back.
“Anyone want a drink?” Joe asked.
“I have to get to work soon,” Anna said, checking her watch. “Bloody hell, it’s almost ten already. I’m going to get changed.” She shot up the stairs.
“Toni?” Joe looked over to her, sitting in a lump on the loveseat. “Drink?”
“Hell, yes. Please.” She reached for the remote control.
“Beer or wine?”
“Wine. Thanks.”
As Joe disappeared into the kitchen, and Toni turned on the TV, she realized she had to go to work too, bright and early tomorrow morning. The familiar dread threaded through her veins along with the melancholy that was already there. Back to her normal life, the way it’d been a month ago…
Which she’d been pretty unsatisfied with before Gavin McKinnon ever walked into her house, and into her heart. How was she supposed to go back to that now?
She went up the stairs, down to the tiny room at the end of the hall where Gavin had stayed, and pushed open the door. It was dark and empty. The bed was stripped, the room devoid of any hint of him. A shard of sadness pierced her. Heaving a sigh, she decided she wanted to change into one of the three T-shirts he’d left her with. She’d asked him if she could keep them to have reminders of him, and he’d gladly given them to her. Suddenly, she needed more than anything to wear the light blue one he’d left on her chair two days ago, the one that was the same color of his eyes and probably still smelled like him.
His Love Page 17
