She opened the door to her room and stopped cold, gasping. Laid out on her bed were two small wrapped gifts, and a manila envelope with her name on it.
Flooded with longing and curiosity, she sat on the edge of the mattress. First she reached for the envelope, pulling out a thicker sheath of papers than the one he’d offered her before. The note clipped to it was written in Gavin’s obviously European scrawl.
Toni, my beautiful sweetheart.
Please look at all of this again, now that I’m not there to make you feel pressured while you do. The postgraduate program has your name all over it. You’d excel in it, and I think you’d love Trinity. I know you’d love Dublin, and the Irish countryside. If I wasn’t part of the picture, I strongly believe that given the opportunity, you’d love to do this. Isn’t that the truth?
So, whether you want to be with me or not, you really should consider this, Toni. Not to make me happy, but to make you happy. That’s all I want for you, now and always.
G. xx
Toni could hear his deep, lyrical voice as she read the note, and did so three more times before putting it down on the bed. Then she looked through the papers. This time, there weren’t only printouts about Trinity College’s art history postgraduate program, but about Dublin’s famed architecture, its art galleries and museums, its cultural history… it all appealed to her. Hell, it more than appealed to her, it called to her.
She had to admit that Gavin was right. Just on its own, without ever having met him, the program was the kind of thing she’d jump at if given the chance. It did have her name all over it. So going there, doing that—the part about also being with him would be the bonus. Not the cake itself, but the delicious, sweet icing on top of it. Her being in a fantastic city like Dublin while pursuing her dreams for her future, that was the cake. The whole of it together was the sweetest thing life had to offer her… and she’d shot it down without giving it a real chance. She’d shot it all to hell.
Slowly, she reached for the smaller of the two boxes. She opened it to find the dazzling butterfly pendant she’d lusted after in the Met gift shop, the one that matched the earrings he’d bought her to remember their wonderful day there together. Her mouth fell open as she stared at the magnificent piece. When—how had he bought it without her seeing him do that? Much less that he’d gotten it for her at all…
“Oh, honey,” she whispered, running her fingertip along the patterns on the delicate wings. With shaking hands, she undid the clasp and secured the necklace around her neck. Her eyes slipped closed as she pressed the butterfly to her skin, to her heart, which was close to bursting.
Then she opened the second box, this time unable to hold back the tiny cry that escaped her mouth. Astounded, she pulled out the petite, decorative blue Fabergé egg she’d pointed out to him that same day. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest and her blood raced through her limbs, firing through her veins with heat as she opened it. Inside was a folded piece of paper. When she picked it up, a key slipped out of the note into her lap. She looked at the simple old key, wondering what it went to, where it belonged. Unfolding the paper, she saw Gavin had written:
Sorry, Antonella Josefina, this isn’t the key to my heart.
But it is the key to my apartment. You have the address.
If you change your mind about coming to Ireland, use this. Open-ended offer.
Besides, you’ve had the key to my heart since the moment I met you. I suspect you always will.
All my love, Gavin
Toni burst into tears, the dam ruthlessly broken. Sweet lord, he was the most wonderful man… he was everything she wanted in a partner. He not only wanted her, but he truly wanted what was best for her. What would make her happy, even if it meant not being with him. What the hell had she been thinking when she let him get on that plane doubting he’d see her again, not sure if she loved him the way he loved her, thinking they probably had no future together? He was gone now, and it was done.
All because of her. Her stubbornness and her insecurities, both about if they could make it work, and about her ability to measure up. He was a doctor; what if she couldn’t even cut it in the program at Trinity? Hell, what if she didn’t even get in? Her fears had made her push him away, even when he said and did all the right things.
She looked at the key clutched in her palm. Open-ended offer or not, when she hadn’t come to a decision before he’d left… waffling like she had… she saw the look in his eyes at the airport, that last shred of hope that she’d say or do something to change the tide… and she hadn’t. And he’d had no choice but to leave.
And, oh God, she missed him already. So much it hurt.
She slumped down onto the mattress, grabbed a pillow, and cried into it for a long time.
Chapter Twenty-One
‡
“Oh, Jesus, you look like hell,” Maria Westmore declared.
“Gee, thanks. Nice to see you, too.” Toni gave her mother a kiss on the cheek before entering the house. Her parents had lived in the spacious split ranch for about thirty years; they’d moved in on her older sister’s second birthday. Being there now was so comforting, Toni wondered if she’d start to cry again. She hadn’t cried all day, she’d managed to keep it together at work. Of course, her eyes were still swollen from her hours-long crying jag the night before, but she didn’t care. Maybe she was all cried out? Wouldn’t that be nice? She hoped so. All day, she’d felt so damn drained.
“Sit down and talk to me.” Maria pulled her daughter to the living room couch and sat with her, studying her with concern. “Have you eaten today?”
“Not really,” Toni said. “Don’t have much of an appetite.”
“Figured.” Maria shook her head. “Glad you came for dinner. I’ll feed you.”
“Okay, thanks. But I really need to talk to you first.” Toni fidgeted with the jeweled butterfly that lay on her chest.
“What is that?” Wide-eyed, Maria leaned in to examine the pendant. “My God, that’s beautiful. It really is.” Her eyes flicked up. “Did Gavin get this for you?”
Toni nodded, and suddenly the words came pouring out of her. Everything. About their time together, about Gavin’s ideas and suggestions, about the discussions they’d had, to how things were when he left and the gifts he’d left behind. By the time she finished, the tears had broken through again, sliding down her cheeks as she talked.
“Mom…” Toni looked at her. “I’m not here to ask you to tell me what I should do. But I’m asking you to objectively help me figure out what might be better for me. Can you help me do that?”
“Oh, sweetie.” Maria gave her a wry smile. “I think you already know what you want to do.”
“Well, yes… but if I want it that much, why have I been holding back from it?”
“You tell me.” With arched brows, crossing her arms over her chest, Maria sat back and waited.
“I’ve only known him a month, Ma,” Toni began. “That’s an awfully short time to move across an ocean to be with someone, isn’t it?”
“Normally? I’d say yes. But.” Maria leaned in now. “First of all, I met Gavin. He’s a genuinely good man. That was clear. He and your father talked; we could tell he’s got a good, solid head on his shoulders. And he’s crazy in love with you; that was clear, too. If he asked you to stay with him while you’re in school? Hello.”
Toni smiled and sniffled at the same time.
“And he didn’t ask you to marry him, honey. He asked you to give him, and Dublin, a try. Those are different things.” Maria absently tapped her manicured hand on her knee. “He wants you to go there, see if you two work, then decide. Nothing’s carved in stone. If you don’t get along, if it doesn’t work out, then you move back here.”
“Just like that?”
“Why not?”
“It sounds too easy.”
“Well, it wouldn’t be easy,” Maria said. “But it’s a doable thing. Look. Your father and I are here. If you go to Ireland and lov
e it there, we’d miss you like crazy, but we’d visit you, and you’d visit us. You’re an adult, and you should have your own life wherever you’re happy. Or, if you don’t love it there, or you and Gavin don’t work out for some reason, we’re here for you and would help you come back.” She peered closer at her daughter. “That’s what family does, Toni. At least, my family. Family takes care of each other. You’re not alone in this.”
Toni sat still, considering.
“Tell me something, honestly,” Maria said. “Do you think you’d get into that program?”
“I think so,” Toni said. “At least, I hope so.”
“Stop with the doubts!” Maria commanded. “Stop with being so noncommittal on everything. Being like that hasn’t done you any favors, has it?”
Toni stared at her mother. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean. Fear of failure freezes you in your tracks. That’s just avoiding. Is that how you want to live your life? You’re made of stronger stuff than that. You have power inside. Use it already!”
Toni reached up for one of her curls and started twisting it around her finger. She’d never told anyone about how destructive her relationship with Mike had been. How he’d come on all charm and polish at first, but by a month or so into it, he’d started with little jabs, comments… that slid right into verbal abuse. It had embarrassed her that she’d tolerated it at all, much less for six months before she finally had the guts to break up with him. All of it had scarred her. But until this minute, she’d never realized just how much.
She wanted her power back, goddammit. It was way past time. She was strong.
Her mother was on a rant now. “You want something? You commit to it and see it through, knowing you might fail but trying anyway,” Maria insisted. “That’s what life’s about. Be it a school program, a job, or a relationship. You’ve gotta dig in!” Her hands gestured wildly for emphasis, and Toni sat back. Once Maria’s Italian DNA kicked in, you had to wait it out until she was done talking. “First, you didn’t want to fail because you thought you wouldn’t measure up next to your sister. Which is crap, because you’re such different girls. But the rest of it, honey… you’ve coasted and hedged and skated around things all the time, except for your undergraduate degree—which you earned with honors, if memory serves. That’s the only thing I’ve ever seen you really apply yourself to. And look at that, you excelled. Because you’re more than capable, you’re totally worthy.”
Toni nodded slowly. “It’s true. I’ve been afraid I won’t be good enough.”
“I don’t know where you got that from, because it’s not true.” Maria’s head tilted, scrutinizing her daughter with her dark gaze. “Okay, so you’re afraid to fail. For a smart, strong woman, you don’t seem to get that failing makes you stronger. It’s not trying that makes you weaker, Toni. That’s why I’ve pushed you, maybe even nagged at you a little.”
“A little?” Toni asked sarcastically.
“Shut up, you,” Maria joked. “Gotta be in it to win it, Antonella. Coasting works, yeah, you’ll get by. But it’s pretty unsatisfying in the long run.” She rolled her eyes as she added, “You’re wasting away in that stupid gallery because it’s comfortable. You hate it there, but it’s easy and familiar, so you coast, you stay. You think Gavin didn’t see that, too? That’s why he asked you to move to Ireland, instead of him moving here to be with you. You’re the one with the flexibility right now. And he wants more for you, because he loves you. That’s what real love is. Wanting the other’s happiness.”
Toni’s stomach did a nauseous little flip. Her mother was so right, on all of it. She knew it, she’d been thinking it. She just needed a sounding board, and to hear it out loud. Now that she had, things were clicking into place. “I almost quit today.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I don’t have a new job in place yet.”
Maria nodded slowly, obviously contemplating before asking, “Do you have any money saved up?”
“Yes. Not a lot, but enough to cover an extra month’s rent and have some left over.”
“Okay. Tomorrow, give your notice. Quit the job. You’ll find another one. Your father and I will help you. Whatever you need to get settled in the next step.”
“What?!?” Toni’s mouth dropped open. “I can’t do that. I can’t ask you to—”
“I can’t watch you be miserable and waste your life anymore,” Maria said. “Your father and I didn’t pay for college, and you didn’t work hard, so you could be eye candy in an art gallery. Besides, you didn’t ask. I offered.”
Toni shook her head. “This is crazy.”
“Apply to that program at Trinity, Toni.” Maria’s sharp gaze left no room for argument. “You get in, you go do it. You don’t get in, you’ll apply to one here. You could finish it in a year if you go full time?”
Stunned, all Toni could do was nod.
“And if you work part time and go to school part time?”
“Two years.”
“All right. You asked if I could help you figure out what you should do? That’s what I think you should do.” Maria threw up her hands. “My two cents, for what they’re worth.”
“They’re worth a lot,” Toni said softly.
“You knew what you wanted to do when you got here. I’m just helping you feel better about your scary choices.” Maria took her hands. “Honey. You haven’t asked us for anything. I want to give it. We’re your parents, we can do this, and we love you. Let us help you.” She squeezed her hands and her eyes narrowed. “Say yes, Antonella.”
Toni couldn’t believe the turn the conversation had taken. “Only with the understanding that I’ll pay you back for all of it, even if it takes years.”
“Okay, fine. So that’s a yes. Good.” Maria gave a hard nod and smiled. “Now. About being with Gavin. Do you love him?”
“More than I realized,” Toni admitted.
“And you know for sure he loves you, too?”
With a little smile, Toni pulled the note wrapped around the key out of her pocket. She’d kept it there all day, feeling a tiny piece of Gavin was with her, wanting it close to her. She handed the note to her mother and let her read it.
“Ohhh. Aww, wow.” A warm, sweet smile bloomed on Maria’s face, softening her features. “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve read in a long time.” She wrapped the key back into the note with care and gave it back. “Did you know my parents knew each other for two weeks when he proposed to her?”
“What?” Toni’s eyes flew wide. “No, I don’t think I knew that.”
“It’s true. Love at first sight, he always said. Her too. He courted her for two weeks, decided he couldn’t live without her, and proposed. They got married three months later. And they were married for sixty-two years.”
“Yeah…” Toni sighed. “I miss Grandpa.” Sometimes it felt like much more than two years had passed since he’d died. Sometimes it felt like yesterday.
“Me too. So does Grandma. But don’t make me sad now.” Maria made a face, and they both smiled. “My point is, sometimes real love does hit hard and fast. Not often. It’s a rare gift. But if that’s what you and Gavin might have… don’t you owe it to yourself to find out, and give it a shot?”
A chill skittered over Toni’s skin and she squirmed. “You really think that’s what he and I have?”
“Doesn’t matter what I think. What do you think?”
Gavin’s handsome face appeared in her mind. His kind, sparkling eyes, the sweet way he’d look at her when they were lying quietly together… she used to marvel at the way he looked at her. It made her feel like she was the most cherished, important, wonderful woman in the world. He often looked at her, spoke to her, and touched her with pure affection. Sighing, Toni rubbed the goose flesh on her arms. “I think I let the love of my life get on a plane and leave without knowing how much I love him.”
“Then you should do something about that.”
*
Gavin yawned as he walked up the sidewalk to his building. Spending the afternoon reading in the nearby park had been nice, but he really missed the beach. He missed the ocean most of all, the salty scent of it, the sounds of its hypnotically rhythmic flowing and waves crashing… and the feel of the soft sand between his toes. Today, he’d wanted to spend a few hours outside. He’d spent too much time in hospital or in the office prior to his holiday, and since his return had sworn to himself that on good weather days, he’d be outside as much as possible. So he’d grabbed a book and walked to the park only half a mile away.
It had been a good distraction, but not for long enough. He’d been back in Ireland for a week, and still hadn’t shaken off the melancholy that had accompanied him home. He missed Toni so much, but had barely been in contact with her. A few emails, but no live online messaging or phone calls. He was giving her space, as he’d promised. And, maybe, giving her time to miss him, too. Time to think about what she wanted to do, and where, and whether it all included him at her side.
Every day, he hoped it would include him at her side. He had to have faith, give her time and space… but now it’d been a week, and her last email had been two days ago. He was beginning to wonder if he’d done the right thing. Maybe insisting they not talk on the phone yet had been too harsh, insisting on less contact for now the wrong way to go. The less he heard from her, the more uncertainty gnawed at him.
He still had three weeks before going into full rotation at work. The pediatrics place he’d found seemed lovely. He’d gone in a few times since his return to Ireland; had lunch with the woman who’d be his supervising physician, met the other doctors in the practice, even brought a few of his things to his new, small office. It seemed like a good place to work, and he was looking forward to his official start on the first of September. At least he had that to focus on, and be excited about.
A big family dinner at his parents’ house on Sunday had been great as well. Between his parents, five siblings, and their various spouses and children, there had been over twenty people there to welcome him home. His mother had loved the gift he brought her, and as she put on the dangly silver earrings, all he could think of was the day he’d spent at the Met with Toni.
His Love Page 18
