Dissident (The Bellator Saga Book 1)

by Cecilia London

  Yes. She pulled a pillow out from under the comforter. “Lay down,” she said again.

  Jack grabbed her wrist. There were tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Caroline.”

  “We’re not doing this now, Jack.” She wrenched her arm away. “You’re super drunk and I’m super pissed. Lay down.”

  “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me,” he said. “I threw you away by doing something stupid. I promised myself I would never hurt you and that’s exactly what I did.” His voice broke. “And now you won’t even speak to me.”

  Caroline refused to cry in front of him. She pushed his shoulder to the side, and he fell onto his pillow. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen anyone as intoxicated as he appeared to be. Maybe in college. Although she’d probably been in similar condition on a recent night in Jerusalem. But she wasn’t going to think about that. Or anything else having to do with Jack.

  “Do you know how much I love you?” he asked.

  “Stop.” She straightened his legs and untied his dress shoes. “Just stop.”

  “I’m never going to forgive myself for what I did.”

  Caroline wiped her eyes, willing herself to stay calm. “Stay on your side,” she ordered, as he tried to roll onto his back.

  “I was never worthy of you,” he said. “I deserve to have this fucked up life.”

  She removed his shoes and covered him up with a blanket. He was deteriorating rapidly and she wanted no part of it. Once she was sucked in, she’d cave and do any number of things she’d regret. “I’ll be in to check on you later,” she said.

  “I didn’t want to be Governor without my First Lady,” Jack mumbled.

  Caroline had to get out of that room as soon as possible. “Sleep it off, Jack,” she said quietly.

  He started snoring and she knew he’d already passed out. She ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs as fast as her feet would carry her.

  * * * * *

  Caroline sat on the couch reading an email she’d received from Kathleen. Sometimes she wondered if her press secretary ever slept. It was a little after eleven at night. She checked on Jack at about ten and he was snoring, which meant that he was breathing. She guessed that was all that mattered. Caroline decided to stick around a bit longer, maybe check on him again at midnight to be safe. She had some touch and go moments with drunken friends in college and wasn’t going to take any chances.

  She didn’t want to sit checking her phone all night. And she knew there was nothing worthwhile on TV. Caroline was extremely unhappy to be sitting there in her skirt and blouse. It was not comfortable. She would have much rather been at home in a hoodie and shorts. Or in bed asleep. Damn him. She headed over to the built-in bookshelves in the sitting room, hoping there was something there that would catch her interest.

  Jack had a wide selection of reading material and they were very messily arranged. Not that she used the Dewey Decimal System or anything, but Caroline tried to display her substantial book collection by general subject or genre. The books in the library at his home in Philadelphia were much better organized. She pondered why that might be.

  He had a book on Keynesian economics on one shelf. That was unexpected. And despite the relatively progressive subject matter, Caroline wasn’t interested. Too dry. She kept surveying the titles and tried not to laugh as she went from book to book. He actually had a copy of the Moynihan Report. How odd.

  She decided to look on another shelf and spotted some Catholic philosophers. The Confessions of St. Augustine. Not surprising, but somewhat ironic. Augustine had managed to get his shit together by the time he was in his thirties, let alone Jack’s age. Of course, by his forties Augustine was dead.

  Caroline kept looking. Summa Theologica. Ugh. The goal was to stay awake, not put herself to sleep. Further down the shelf was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. She grabbed it immediately.

  She didn’t know Jack was a Potterhead. Weird that it was clustered together with Aquinas, Augustine, Ignatius of Loyola, and what looked to be a decently researched biography of Thomas More. But she didn’t care. It was good enough.

  She flopped down on the couch and began to read.

  * * * * *

  Someone was tucking her hair behind her ear, stroking her face gently.

  “Caroline. Sweetheart, wake up.”

  She stretched and heard a book fall onto the floor. “Just five more minutes,” she mumbled. “I’m tired.”

  “I know, baby. It’s late. I’m so sorry I did all of this to you.” Jack’s voice was remorseful.

  Caroline jolted upright, throwing off a blanket that she didn’t remember pulling over herself. “What?”

  Jack was kneeling on the floor next to the couch. How long had he been there, watching her?

  “It’s almost two in the morning,” he said. “I thought maybe it was time for you to get some real sleep. In a bed.”

  His eyes were bloodshot but his voice was steady. He had sobered up pretty quickly. He tentatively placed a hand on her thigh and she stood up.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  Jack rose to his feet beside her. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve been saying that a lot lately. It’s getting old. Especially when you’re lying.”

  “I’m not lying. I just want you to listen to me.”

  “There’s nothing that you can say to me that I want to hear.”

  “I was hoping that there was a part of you that might be willing to give me another chance.”

  She snorted bitterly. “Not likely.” Caroline slid her feet into her shoes and scooped up her suit jacket, car keys, and phone. “I’m leaving.”

  “Please stay. Please talk to me.”

  “You’re awake and you’re coherent. That was the only reason I stuck around in the first place, to make sure you would be okay.”

  “Caroline, please. I want to work this out.”

  She ignored his supplications. “The next time you get so fucked up that you can’t even walk in a straight line, call one of your staffers, or one of your salad girls, or a taxi. If I’m forced to show up again I’ll probably let you drown in your own vomit.”

  “Caroline, I will do anything. Anything to get you back. What do I have to do? I want to make this work.”

  “If you care about me at all, you’ll let me go. There’s nothing to work out because we had nothing to begin with.”

  “That’s not how I saw it,” Jack said.

  “I don’t give a shit how you saw it. I want you to leave me alone.” Her eyes started to burn. She had lost control quicker than she had anticipated. “Leave. Me. Alone. Got it? You’re not going to hurt me again.”

  “I don’t want to do that, sweetheart. I want to fix what I did.”

  “Too late.” Caroline stomped through the kitchen toward the back door. Jack was right behind her and she turned around and pushed him in the chest as hard as she could.

  “Go to hell. And leave me the fuck alone,” she yelled, slamming the door behind her, ignoring the stunned look on his face.

  * * * * *

  Things were hectic right before the August recess but Caroline thought her staff deserved a break, so she sent them all home for the night. Jen had gotten upset that afternoon and almost started crying as she told Caroline that she was reminding her of how she acted right after Nicky died. Caroline went ballistic, screaming at her in front of everyone else, including the interns. She hadn’t done that since early last year. Jen didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day. While Kathleen and her other high level staffers didn’t follow Jen’s lead per se, they definitely kept their distance. She’d have to figure out a good way to apologize to all of them in the morning.

  She flicked through some constituent updates she had to approve, trying to concentrate on the words. She heard a quiet knock and looked up. It was Jack.

  “I knew I should have locked the door,” she muttered.

  “Please don’t say that.” He sta
rted to walk toward her desk and stopped when he saw the expression on her face. “I’m sorry about the other night.”

  “It’s fine.” Caroline gazed down at the papers she’d been trying to read the moment before.

  “I’d really like to talk to you,” Jack said.

  “I don’t want to talk. I think I made my feelings pretty clear.”

  “You don’t have to talk. Just listen.” He took a small box out of his pocket and placed it on her desk. “I fixed your necklace for you.”

  “I don’t want it.”

  “I’m not taking it back,” Jack said. “It belongs to you.”

  “I don’t fucking want it.”

  “Then throw it away. I don’t care.”

  It was obvious from his tone that he did, and Caroline brought her eyes up to his. “I’m not going to let you manipulate me.”

  “That’s not my intent.”

  She rose up and marched over to him until their noses were almost touching. “That’s always been your intent,” she hissed. “Get the fuck out of my office.”

  “I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. I think about you all the time. I wish I could go back and change everything, but I can’t. I can’t stand that I’ve hurt you so badly.” Jack reached toward her. “I miss you.”

  Caroline took several steps back and crossed her arms, her eyes fixed on the wall. “That’s not my concern,” she said.

  “You miss me too. I know it.”

  “I want you to leave.”

  He took a tentative step toward her and reached out his hand. Caroline slapped it away.

  “Don’t,” she said.

  He stretched out both arms and she pushed him away again, tears in her eyes.

  “Don’t!”

  Jack stepped toward her and cradled her face in his hands, whispering in her ear. “I know you miss me, sweetheart. I know you love me. I believe in that. I trust in that. And that should have been enough for me. I should never have lied to you. I miss you so much. Please, please let me in.”

  Caroline closed her eyes and bit her lip. She tried to keep from crying and failed.

  “Look at me.” Jack started brushing her tears away.

  She didn’t want to. But she couldn’t help herself. She gazed up at him. There was nothing but sorrow and regret in his eyes but she knew better than to believe he was sincere. She wasn’t going to be duped again. Caroline wanted to wrench herself away but couldn’t.

  “I know you love me,” he repeated. “And I love you so much. So very, very much.”

  “Then why did you break my heart?” she whispered.

  Jack pulled her into his arms. “I’m so sorry, baby. I am.”

  She started to push back from him but stopped. His arms felt so good. So safe. And she just wanted to be comforted for a minute, even if it was coming from him. She leaned in and grabbed his suspenders, weeping against his collar.

  Jack held on to her with one arm, stroking her hair lightly with the other. Caroline pulled herself in closer, breathing hard. Her hands drifted up over his back, across his shoulders. The wetness from her tears started to seep into his dress shirt.

  “Please don’t hate me,” he whispered. “I don’t know what I’d do if you hated me.”

  Caroline shuddered and released her arms, and Jack instantly loosened his grip around her. She took a step backward from him, wiping her eyes. Her hands were shaking.

  “I can’t do this, Jack. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “Do what, sweetheart? It’s okay to be upset with me. I deserve it.”

  “No, I didn’t want to give you the wrong idea. This isn’t going to work.”

  “What isn’t?”

  “Us. A relationship. It isn’t going to work out. Not now.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I think you should go.”

  “I want you in my life, Caroline. I’m sorry about the other night. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my plans. Please give me the chance to make it up to you.”

  “It’s too late, Jack. Maybe under different circumstances, if we were at different points in our lives, if we’d met in a different time or place, but it’s not going to work. I’m sorry.”

  “You can’t move beyond this?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “What are you so afraid of?” he asked.

  Caroline’s face flushed. “What the hell are you trying to suggest?”

  “Why are you so afraid of being happy?”

  “Oh, that’s rich. Spare me your armchair psychiatry. Everything was fine until you fucked it all up.”

  “No, it wasn’t,” Jack said. “You were always holding something back, always acting unsure of yourself, unsure of us. You might not have noticed it, but I sure as hell did.”

  “Ever think that was your imagination?”

  “No, it wasn’t. You were so insecure, no matter what I did. And now you have an excuse to run and you are.”

  “You lied to me, McIntyre. You made a fool out of me. Or are you forgetting that part?”

  “I know I did,” he said. “I made a huge, colossal mistake. But that was all you needed to justify walking out the door, wasn’t it?”

  “It’s a pretty good reason. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. You can’t have love without trust. Don’t you dare turn this around on me.”

  “I should have told you. I know that. But maybe I was afraid that if I did, you’d run away. And look what happened.”

  “Go ahead and try to rationalize your behavior,” Caroline said. “Whatever makes you sleep better at night. Tell me, what exactly was I supposed to do once you were in Harrisburg? Or while you were campaigning? Twiddle my thumbs? Make weekend jaunts up there for booty calls? Pawn my kids off on someone else so we could run away together and abandon our responsibilities? Hide in the shadows while you could have the best of both worlds?”

  “Caroline-”

  “You don’t have an answer. Do you?” she asked furiously.

  He stared at the jewelry box on her desk. “I guess I was hoping it would all work itself out.”

  “Well, it’s not going to happen.” She turned her back to him. “I really want you to leave.”

  “I’m sorry, Caroline. I want you to be happy.” Jack’s voice was very sad. “And maybe I’ve done too much to go back. But I want to know that we can speak to each other, be in the same room, function in the same space, maybe try to be friends again.”

  “You’ll be gone soon enough and we’ll both be fine. Get out of my office.”

  He tentatively placed his hand on her back. “I can’t make you forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, not right now. But what I felt for you was and is real. I don’t want you to think I was lying about that.”

  She shook him off and turned to face him. “I think you should leave, Jack. Good luck with your campaign,” she said.

  “I love you, Caroline,” he murmured. “I’m not going to give up. But I’ll leave right now if that’s what you want.”

  When Caroline spoke again her voice was even colder. “It is. Please go.”

  Jack kissed her on the forehead and she recoiled.

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he said roughly. “I’ll leave you alone from now on.”

  Caroline kept her head down until she knew he was gone. She glanced over at the small velvet box on her desk. Her eyes started to sting again. She shut the door to her office, leaned against the wall, and began to cry.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The commute that morning had been terrible. It was snowy and icy, and against her better judgment, Maureen drove instead of taking the Metro. She was now trying to catch up on paperwork, although the exercise seemed rather fruitless. She had informally taken over Bill’s position but she knew it was only a matter of time before she was relegated back to her old duties.

  She thought of the box hidden under her bed. Of the random items she’d clandestinely assembled. Separately they wouldn’t arouse
suspicion. Taken together, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out what she had planned. Which was why she would have to wait to do it until the last minute.

  There was a forceful knock at her office door and she looked up. The door opened before she even had a chance to respond.

  “Colonel Slade,” Maureen said.

  The man did not look happy. “It’s been well over a week. The patient will be discharged into our custody tomorrow.”

  “On whose order?”

  Slade marched up to Maureen’s desk and threw a pile of papers on it. “Here’s your warrant. And your judicial order. See that Ms. Gerard is ready for transport tomorrow at eleven.”

  Maureen glanced down at the paperwork. Even if it looked official she knew it was a deception. The rules didn’t apply anymore; no matter what the government said, the concept of a neutral and detached magistrate was nonexistent. She smiled anyway.

  “Of course, Colonel,” she said. “You have abided by our request. Thank you.”

  Slade frowned at her. “Don’t get any ideas.”

  She feigned innocence. “We have protocols and we expect them to be followed. You’ve done that, and we’ll hold up our end of the bargain.”

  The colonel cleared his throat. “Reasonable women can always see the light if they’re prodded hard enough. I had a feeling you’d be easier to deal with than the old man. Shame about what happened to him.” He forced a smile. “We will be back tomorrow morning to collect Ms. Gerard. Good day, Dr. Savage.”

  “Thank you, Colonel,” Maureen said.

  * * * * *

  “I need you to wean Ms. Gerard off those sedatives,” Maureen told Sarah.

  “Is everything all right?” Sarah asked.

  “Yeah, everything’s fine. She’s had almost two weeks to recover and it’s time to move forward with the next phase of her treatment.”

  “It might be a while before they clear out of her system.” Sarah looked at the clock above the Nurse’s Station. “It’s noon now. She probably won’t wake up until at least late evening.”

  “That’s fine,” Maureen said. “Who’s working the overnight shift tonight?”

  “Nora, I think.”