Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy

by Penelope Bloom

  “Undergrove,” I muttered.

  All four guys cupped fists in front of their mouths and let out low, immature “oooh” sounds. Suddenly this was a group project, it seemed. Even Zack was joining in, hopefully for the sake of not being suspicious and not just to torment me.

  “And the pale skin?” Parker noted. “I’ve never seen someone that pale. I mean, if you looked like that guy, would you really be avoiding the beach?”

  “It sounds like you have a crush,” I said, hoping to change the subject. My comment earned three cupped fists and more “oooh”’s.

  “Okay,” Niles said. “You do have to admit the way he dressed was super weird.”

  “I helped him pick out those clothes,” I said.

  The guys all threw their fists up again, bulging their eyes and whooping like I’d just revealed some big secret.

  “Oh my God,” I groaned. “You are all children. Oversized, ridiculous children.”

  “And even we can see as clear as day that your boyfriend was a vampire,” Parker said. “Let us see your neck.”

  Mooney discreetly covered his wrist by crossing his arms at that moment.

  I took a step back. “My neck is right here, doofus. Look all you want.”

  Niles approached me and gave me a once over. “Maybe he’s got really small teeth.”

  Another round of whooping laughter and jibes. “Cara’s boyfriend had small fangs!”

  I rolled my eyes. “If you’re all done having fun with this, can someone please just tell me if you saw him or not?”

  “Nah,” Niles said. “Sorry, Cara. I didn’t see anything.”

  The others, who were still wearing smiles from their last round of immaturity gradually sobered up and shook their heads. “Sorry,” Mooney echoed. “Nope.”

  I left the apartment and ignored the fact that I was going to miss my morning classes. At least I knew I wasn’t missing any tests, but I was going to have to beg somebody for their notes in advanced biochem if I would have any hope of keeping up.

  I went straight to Lucian’s house and knocked. Nobody answered, so I had to charge through the darkened mansion until I found a gloomy, crypt-like room with a single coffin. I rolled my eyes. Were these people serious? They actually slept in coffins?

  I kicked open the lid of the coffin, hoping to find Lucian.

  Instead, Vlad rose up in the darkness supernaturally, as if a rope attached to his shoulders jerked him up to his feet. He hissed and showed me his fingertips, then relaxed.

  “Oh, it’s just you,” he said. His belly was on display in his rich purple and yellow embroidered coat that was wide open and fluffy dark red pants that didn’t exactly match. “Come by for some morning poking?”

  “No, Vlad,” I said. “Is Lucian here?”

  He waved his hand in front of my face, twinkling my fingers. “You don’t know anybody named Lucian.”

  I stared. “Where is he?”

  “Where is who?” Vlad asked.

  “Lucian!” I shouted. “Where is he?”

  “Oh. It didn’t work?” He tried the same hand wave again.

  I put my fists on my hips. “Vlad. I swear to God. I will fight you.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Please, don’t tease me, little human. But really, why isn’t it working on you? Vlad is the most powerful vampire he knows. This is supposed to work.” He tried waving his hand again. “You really don’t know anybody named Lucian.”

  “I really do. Let me see him.”

  He pursed his lips, then sighed. “Well, Vlad tried. Lucian is trying to extract himself from your life. He thinks he’s being noble or some shit. He has also asked Alaric and Seraphine to help keep an eye on you when he can’t during the night hours.” Vlad checked his hairy wrist, which was not equipped with a watch. “Which means you’ve still got a few hours before they start spying on you, by Vlad’s calculations.”

  “When did you start talking in third person?”

  He waved his hand in front of my face, twinkling his sausage-like fingers. “Vlad has always talked in third person.”

  “You’ve always talked in third person,” I said, making my voice monotone.

  Vlad smiled triumphantly. “Jesus. Vlad was starting to worry he’d lost the touch.”

  “Where can I find Lucian?”

  “You can’t. He’s going to keep avoiding you until you give up. He thinks he’s doing what’s best for you.”

  “Then he’s an idiot. I’m an adult, and I deserve to be part of decisions about what is best for me.”

  Vlad held up his hands. “Vlad just delivers news. He does not cook it. Go complain to the chef.”

  I sighed and left, having no idea where I was supposed to find Lucian but knowing I needed to try.

  Then an idea struck me. It was a stupid idea, but Lucian had done a stupid thing, and repaying him with an act of equal stupidity only seemed fitting. At least that was the line I was planning to use to convince myself to go through with it.

  32

  Lucian

  Being away from Cara was harder than it should have been. I’d woken in the night and felt the last of the bond evaporate. She was free of me, and I’d worried I wouldn’t have the conviction to do it, but I did. I left immediately, promising I would keep her watched over until I knew for certain that Bennigan wasn’t going to try to use her to hurt me.

  It was easy to fall into thinking I was keeping her safe by being in the same room, but I knew that was just a lie I was telling for the sake of my own weakness. She’d be no safer that way than if I watched her from a distance. She’d be able to get back to her normal life without me lurking in her shadow, and I’d hopefully be able to go back to focusing on my own preservation. Cara was dangerous for me in more ways than one. With her, I’d been ready to throw myself in harm’s way to prevent her from the mere suggestion of danger.

  Without her distracting presence, I could start focusing on the bigger picture—on finding a way to re-connect with The Order or maybe even rebuild it from its fragmented state, if necessary.

  This was better for both of us.

  I’d asked Alaric and Seraphina to help me keep an eye on her when I couldn’t. I’d planned to rest during the day but found myself creeping after her all morning as she went to my house from her apartment and then skipped class to go to Anya’s. I had suspected she might move off schedule when she found that I wasn’t there.

  It pained me to see how badly she wanted to find me, especially when she’d told Vlad that she deserved to be part of the conversation about what was best for her. I knew I couldn’t have trusted myself to make the choice I needed to make if I was looking into her eyes. I would’ve stayed.

  I’d listened to every word of the conversation from a safe distance, then followed her when she left and went straight to Anya’s.

  She had been inside Anya’s building nearly all day. Despite the sun constantly taking its toll until I felt fatigued and my thoughts grew sluggish, I couldn’t make myself leave. She hadn’t been truly on her own since I met her, and the idea of just walking away and trusting she would be okay felt unconscionable. Reckless.

  Cara was the most important thing in my bleak world, bond or not.

  Maybe she couldn’t be mine anymore—if she ever had been—but I would at least make sure she was safe. Happy. Protected.

  A few minutes before sunset, I felt something strange. It was like the bond waking up inside me. There was a slight pull in her direction at first, then it grew stronger until I knew I wasn’t imagining it.

  What the hell?

  I was sitting on the roof across from her building when Seraphina appeared at my side. She was wearing an oddly human assortment of clothes—a black skirt, white t-shirt, and sneakers.

  I could still feel the growing sense of bond between Cara and I, but I hoped to distract myself from the confusing question of how that was possible. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked.

  “You told me not to let the girl out
of my sight. I thought I might be less suspicious like this if I had to follow her into a building.”

  “Oh,” I said, then I grinned. “The look suits you.”

  Seraphina stared straight ahead. “Shut up.”

  There was a clatter of footsteps behind us on the rooftop. I stood, spinning to face the sound.

  My stomach sank.

  It was a small army of vampires. All female. All beautiful. Bennigan’s charmed army, I thought.

  They were all standing in a row across from us, eyes loaded with hostility. Even more joined them, some climbing up from the wall of the building and others emerging from the staircase. I noticed the Marsh children, the Whites, and several others I’d recently tried to win to our side standing there as well. “What is this?” I asked.

  “This is a compromise,” Adam Marsh said. “We keep you here while Bennigan takes what he wants.”

  “You all agreed to this? Don’t you have any backbone? Any self-respect?” I asked.

  Kira, who was standing just in front of Violet White, shrugged. “I told you where we stood, Lucian. The power is on Bennigan’s side. I don’t want to cross The Council, so I’m crossing you.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Who is The Council?”

  Adam answered. “It was Shadow Force, but they changed their name.”

  I shook my head. “This ‘council’ is behind shattering The Order? For what? To pretend none of us ever swore to The Pact?”

  Kira stepped closer. “Most of us swore to The Pact because people like you would hunt us down if we didn’t, Lucian. Now you’re just a memory. A dead man who hasn’t gotten around to getting dead yet.”

  I was also unfortunately severely weakened from so much sunlight. My thoughts were coming sluggishly, and my body felt taxed to its limits already. “Why now?”

  “Because someone powerful wanted it this way. I don’t know, and I frankly don’t care,” Kira said. “All I know is we have to keep you here while they take your little human.”

  I jerked my head down toward Anya’s, where I saw Bennigan and his vampiresses kicking in the front door.

  Shit, shit, shit. I’d let Kira distract me from watching Anya’s and given Bennigan a chance to get to her door while I was still here.

  I’d only taken one step toward the ledge of the roof to jump when I heard a rush of approaching feet, some much faster than my sun-weakened efforts.

  Countless hands grasped me just as I was leaping away from the roof and yanked me back, slamming me to the ground and pinning me there. To my side, I saw Seraphina biting and scratching, but ultimately being overwhelmed and pushed down as well.

  “Let me go!” I roared.

  But it was hopeless. Bennigan had made sure he had more than enough help to keep us contained. I strained against the hands holding me, swearing revenge on anyone I could see.

  The sound of gunshots rang out and the hands holding me relented.

  Alaric was running toward us with a pistol in either hand, shooting wildly. The idiot still hadn’t learned to aim, and one of his bullets thudded into my own thigh. I groaned in pain, then rolled off the edge of the building, vaguely hoping the few minutes of starlight had been enough to heal me through the incoming impact.

  The wind screamed in my ears and my stomach lurched from the brief fall. I hit the ground hard, bouncing up from the impact and landing a second, much less violent time.

  For a few seconds, everything was black, and my body was wracked with pain.

  I tried to get up, but muscles and bones weren’t working like they should. Every impulse just sent a fresh explosion of white-hot pain through me.

  I thought of Cara and how scared she would be to see Bennigan coming for her—how she would be wondering why I abandoned her and let this happen. I gritted my teeth, forcing all the energy I had into my broken body until I could sense the growing pressure moving through me, knitting broken bones and weaving torn muscles back together.

  Within moments, I was limping toward Anya’s, then walking, then running.

  I heard more gunshots from the rooftop above but couldn’t afford to stop and worry about them.

  Seraphina and Alaric would be okay. This was Bennigan’s game. He knew he couldn’t actually kill any of us without more justification, but he could hurt me. He could take Cara from me, and all anyone would hear was that he’d toyed with my human. They wouldn’t care, and the world would go on.

  I wondered if the bastard actually preferred this to killing me. I’d taken his wife, but he was taking the woman I cared about and making me live with the shame of knowing I hadn’t been able to stop him. He probably hoped he’d turn her into one of his disgusting little harem, too. It was his gift, after all. He charmed women into following him blindly, vampires and humans alike.

  I saw Bennigan shoving Cara into a car while she kicked and screamed for him to let her go. There was a little metallic ping on the ground when the bullet in my leg was forced out by healing flesh.

  I broke into a run, wishing I had Alaric’s speed, even though I knew he couldn’t even keep up with a car. I followed them for a block until I lost sight and had to stop to think of a coherent plan.

  I didn’t know how, but I was going to find her and get her back.

  Then I had stopped long enough to feel the growing sense of separation in my chest—the familiar pulsing throb of the bond.

  It was a bond that shouldn’t have been possible.

  A bond that made no sense and defied all my understanding.

  But right now, it was also the bond that was going to lead me straight to Cara, even though Bennigan likely thought I’d have no way to find them.

  I’d get Cara back, and this time, I wouldn’t leave her side unless Bennigan was in the ground.

  33

  Cara

  I threw my legs and arms out wildly, kicking or punching anything I could reach. My fist found something squishy and earned me a tighter grip from the two women in the back holding me.

  Jezabel let out a low, irritated grunt. “Punch my breast again and I’ll drain you of every drop of blood in your pathetic little body, human.”

  They adjusted their grip, twisting my arms and forcing them behind my back so all I could do was sit there and fume. “You kidnapped me,” I grunted. “Am I supposed to start writing thank you notes?”

  “You’re supposed to cooperate if you don’t want us to hit you until you stop resisting.”

  With effort, I managed to stop squirming and trying to break free from the women. I felt myself calm enough to try to take stock of the situation. I could see Bennigan’s huge shoulders and shaved head in the driver’s seat. An old, dignified looking man in an expensive suit was in the passenger seat, too.

  “Who’s that?” I asked, nodding my head—which was the only part of my body that wasn’t being pinned down by the women on either side of me.

  The man turned to look at me. There was a cold depth to his eyes that made me want to flinch back. Definitely a vampire.

  “I am here to make sure this goes smoothly.” He had a faint accent that sounded vaguely European, but I was hardly an expert. His hair was dark with flecks of gray and he wore it pushed back from his forehead. His nose was slightly hooked, and his eyes were hooded and dark.

  “What goes smoothly?” I asked.

  “The pawn doesn’t need to know why it’s being moved. It only needs to know it has no choice.”

  I wanted to be defiant and try to dig more information out of the men, but I had a feeling it didn’t matter how much I knew. I could gather the obvious, critical clues about my situation easily enough.

  They were taking me, and they weren’t killing me. They’d already used me as bait once and it worked. They wanted Lucian, and I was their ticket to drawing him in.

  I knew I had really gone over the deep end when my first thought was to hope he didn’t come. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him again or feel his touch. I didn’t trust these vampires not to hurt him—to kill
him, if that was even possible.

  I didn’t want to be the weak link that got him hurt, and I also didn’t want these cocky, snide assholes to have everything go according to their plan.

  But I could feel that same magnetism inside my chest rising up even now. Worse, I thought I could sense Lucian’s presence, and unless I was confused, I thought he was following us.

  I still couldn’t believe I’d been reckless enough to do what I’d done at Anya’s. I’d barely had time to let it all register because Bennigan and his people had come bursting in just moments after I discovered what I’d done.

  I spent all day spiraling like an addict yanked away from their fix, except my drug had a dimple and fangs. I’d concocted the desperate idea to take some of the little black, spikey Lucios and inject them into my blood. If the bond was just my blood plus those, I reasoned I could re-ignite the bond and draw Lucian back to myself if I re-introduced them

  Except there had been one problem. The only way to keep the Lucios in my samples from decaying just like the ones in my blood had been to regularly introduce new blood. The little black balls would absorb the red blood cells of the newly introduced blood and start multiplying until they’d absorbed all the cells from the new sample.

  It was fascinating, and it meant I’d been able to keep my stores stocked with plenty of Lucios.

  And that was what I’d injected into myself just minutes before Bennigan kicked in the door at Anya’s to take me. I knew it was reckless, and I knew there was a very real possibility I could’ve introduced diseases into my own blood or any number of other risks. I also knew I didn’t care. I just wanted him back. I wanted one last chance to convince him we were better off together, danger or no danger.

  But there was another strange feeling beneath the tug of the bond. Something new.

  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, exactly, so all I could do was sit and wait while we drove in silence.

  Eventually, Bennigan pulled the car up to a shipping yard full of shipping containers.