NO LONGER MINE

by Shiloh Walker

  Catching her arm, he tugged and turned until she was pinned between him and the car. The hood was cool, meaning he had been out here waiting for a while. “I’m sorry. And you’re right”

  * * *

  Things were good…for while.

  Her wedding dress, something that seemed too beautiful to be real, hung in her closet, minute adjustments made in the waistline. Satin ballet slippers dyed to match resided in a box close by.

  Everything was already set. Decorations were at the church. She had already mailed the Thank You cards for shower gifts and there wasn’t anything left to be done, except the wedding itself.

  The wedding was to be small and simple, since they had to pay for everything themselves.

  Even the honeymoon was simple, a four-day weekend to Gatlinburg. A real honeymoon would have to wait.

  It was Tuesday, hot, humid. The air was so thick and muggy, even breathing seemed like work. Sometime after noon, the rain started, a steady downpour that didn’t seem in any hurry to end. A trip to the mailbox had Nikki borrowing her dad’s car, something she rarely did, because she hated driving a stick shift but she hardly noticed it as she drove over Wade’s in a daze of excitement. Hands shaky, a smile a mile on wide on her face, she pulled into the driveway, danced up the porch.

  The deafening silence when she threw open the door should have warned her.

  How could silence sound so ominous?

  Now, Nikki stood on one side of the room, staring out at the thunderstorm that had rolled in only minutes earlier. The excitement was gone, forgotten as misery, shock, and anger roiled in her belly. She’d completely forgotten about the letter in her pocket, even though it had seemed to burn a hole the entire drive over.

  If asked why she had driven over, Nikki would have admitted she didn’t have a clue.

  Wade was across the room, on the floor, face buried in his hands, shoulders and hair wet with rain. When Nikki had gotten there, she had found him sitting outside on the deck in back, oblivious to the rain that was pounding down.

  “Baby, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “Damn it, I’m sorry.”

  “Who is she?” Nikki asked numbly, her face gone stiff. She wasn’t hurting yet. It hadn’t really hit her but she knew the pain was lying in wait. It was like a man who had suddenly had his leg cut off and could feel noth­ing for the shock of it.

  When he didn’t answer, she whirled and snapped, “Who in the hell is she?”

  Raising his head, Wade stared at her from black eyes. Those eyes, always so warm and full of life, looked cold and lifeless. Before he even said it, she knew.

  “Jamie Sayer,” he said, his voice almost soundless.

  That was when the pain came, ripping through her like a forest fire, consuming everything in its path. Body vibrating and shuddering, pressure building in her throat, she stared at him. Her knees gave out then and she slid to the floor, a mirror of Wade’s dejected slump. Drawing her knees up, she held them clutched to her chest as she started to shake.

  Picture perfect, beautiful slender Jamie Sayer. Jamie Sayer, who thought the sun rose and set on Wade. She’d all but started stalking him ever since she had returned from college three months earlier. Nikki hadn’t worried about her after the first few weeks, because of how amused Wade had been by it. Amused and then irritated when it didn’t stop and the girl wouldn’t take a hint.

  “Jamie,” she repeated, her voice dull. “Tell me, did you enjoy making love to a woman who thinks of you as some sort of God? Was she a virgin? Of course, she was. She wouldn’t have dirtied herself the way I did.”

  He looked away, his pale skin suffused with a dull red.

  A harsh laugh tore from her throat. “Tell me, Wade, Was it better from a woman who’s unblemished? Was it everything you’d hoped for?

  “Nikki, don’t,” he whispered, his voice thick with tears. He rose, com­ing to kneel in front of her, taking her hands in his, holding tight when she tried to pull away.

  “Don’t what?” she demanded. “Don’t ask for details? Considering you just destroyed me with this little bit of information, I think I have right to know some details.” Her voice rose with each word until she was shouting.

  Wade flinched as she became more graphic, disgusted with himself for doing to this to her.

  “Nikki,” he said, his voice pleading. “I was drunk, so damn drunk I don’t even remember it. I didn’t know what in the hell I was doing. Hell, I was probably too drunk to remember my own name.”

  “You’d obviously forgotten mine,” she bit off, pulling away. Her eyes dropped briefly to the region of his fly and she bitterly added, “And you obviously weren’t too drunk to get it up, were you?”

  Blinded by tears, she stumbled into the living room. “All this for something that happened before I even met you. Are we even now?”

  “Nikki, stop it It’s not about that,” he insisted.

  “It’s always about that!” she shouted, whirling to face him. “That’s what the fight with Jared was about. You thought I’d been leading him on. That’s what the fight with Zach was about at the Derby party at Lori’s. You insisted I’d been flirting with him, tossing myself at him, just to see if he would notice. I slept with Dion one time, one damn time, at a time when I so messed up inside I probably should have been institutionalized. One time! That doesn’t make me a whore!”

  “I’ve never thought of you like that,” he rasped, jerking her against him and covering her mouth with his hand. “Never.”

  Nikki bit down on his hand and jerked away. “The hell you haven’t. I saw the disgust in your eyes when you found out the rumors you had heard weren’t rumors. Do you think I’m blind? Or stupid?”

  She paused, trying to drag air into her lungs. She had to know. She hated herself for it, but she absolutely had to know. “Tell me something. Is she the first? Or just the most recent?” she asked.

  “It only happened that one time, Nik. I swear to God. I wouldn’t have hurt you like that,” Wade insisted, moving cautiously to stand closer to her.

  Looking in his bleak eyes, Nikki cursed herself for being a fool. If she had learned anything from her father, it was that things like this seldom happened ‘just once’. But she believed him.

  It didn’t make the pain any easier to bear.

  Edging away from him, Nikki turned, staring out the window, unable to see for the tears of pain and fury that blinded her “I slept with somebody for no reason other than I needed some attention. You did it because you were falling down drunk.” Then she laughed. “But apparently not too drunk, or the equipment wouldn’t have been functioning. We both acted like a couple of irresponsible fools. So I guess now we’re even. And there’s nothing left to say”

  She bit back against the wave of agony the rolled through her, like a bout of nausea as she grabbed her purse from the table and headed out the door. Wade moved like a bolt of lightening, blocking her. “Nikki, you can’t just walk out,” he pleaded, reaching for her.

  Her shoulders raised and fell in a helpless shrug “What else can I do, Wade? What am I supposed to do? Damn it, I don’t even know how to feel.”

  “Damn it, Nikki,” he rasped, pulling her against him, his forehead drop­ping to rest against hers. “Damn it all to hell.”

  Pulling away from him, Nikki looked at Wade and flatly said, “I am in hell.”

  With a vicious jerk, she tore away from him, moving backward until there were several feet between them. “And I can’t even figure out what I did to bring this on,” she told him.

  “Nikki…” Wade reached for her once more, his hand stretching out.

  Nikki stared at his hand, entranced, for a long moment. And then, she looked up, met his eyes, mutely shook her head. Turning on her heel, Nikki ran for the back door and dodged out into the rain. She didn’t know where she was going, but she couldn’t let him touch her Couldn’t let him get to close. She’d fall apart for certain then.…

  She dodged a mud puddle and headed for the trees,
wishing for the first time that this place wasn’t so isolated. A nosy neighbor right now would help. Wade caught up with her, snagged her elbow, and she slid, causing them both to end up on the wet grass. As rain fell around them, he stared down at her with anguished eyes. Removing her glasses, Wade covered her face with kisses, hot little nipping ones at her mouth, gentle soothing ones against her streaming eyes.

  Don’t let him do this to you. It’s over. Just get out of here. The tiny voice whispered over and over in her mind while her heart pleaded with her to stay. It’s over. This will be the last time, the very last… Don’t you deserve one more time?

  After an internal war, Nikki reached up and locked her arms around his neck. One more time. She had to have just one more time Hot hands slid under her shirt, stroking rain cooled skin. She gasped, arching up. A jerk of one of the hard hands popped the buttons on her worn cotton shirt, baring her breasts to him. Through the damn lace of her scanty bra, he nuzzled her nipple before taking it into his mouth, nipping and licking until she whimpered beneath him, clutching his head close to her.

  Nikki’s hands raced down his shirt, freeing buttons and streaking over smooth hard, muscled planes as Wade fought to free her from the wet denim of her shorts, shoving his own jeans down just far enough.

  Positioning himself between her legs, Wade whispered, “I’m sorry, but I can’t wait. God, I need you so bad.” Then he arched her hips up and drove into her, burying himself to the hilt.

  He moaned, deep in his chest, one hand coming up to knot in her hair while the other caught her knee, pulling it up and opening her body until he could slide even deeper. Her sheath closed tightly around him, wet and hot, muscles convulsing. “Damnation,” he whispered, pausing only long to catch his breath before pulling out and slamming into her again, harder and harder until he was lifting her with each deep thrust.

  Overhead, the storm continued, rain pounding down, thunder crashing through the sky. Nearby, lightening flashed. The smell of ozone mingled with the scent of sex and sweat.

  Pleasure slammed through her like a runaway train, sending her flying before knocking her flat. Her breath caught and held in her throat and she squirmed against him, seeking more

  Wade bit at the side of her neck, and she screamed, light exploding behind her eyes before everything dimmed. And he kept on moving. Drained and panting for breath, she lay passively in his grip, until he reared up and grabbed her behind her left knee, hooking his arms under her legs and open­ing her body wide, leaving her unable to move. She whimpered slightly, in protest, then gasped in dazed pleasure, as he fell forward again, driving deeper.

  “Look at me,” he whispered. “Damn it, you look at me.”

  She turned bleary eyes to his as he slowed his pace, until he was barely rocking against her, each tiny movement rushing through her like fire. Her eyes focused on his and he rewarded her with a twist of his hips that had her gasping for breath, then whimpering with gratitude.

  Then Wade resumed his pace, holding himself back until she arched up weakly and screamed a muffled little half scream that echoed down his spine and seemed to explode through him. He stiffened above her, pinioned her hips with his and held her in place as the fire spread from her body into his, joining them.

  Seconds later, Wade slowly collapsed against her.

  It was over in moments, but left Nikki weak and shaking, feeling as though lightening had struck her, instead of just flashing in the sky overhead. Shuddering, Nikki didn’t protest when he turned onto his side, tucking her body snugly against his while they waited for their hearts to slow and their breath to return. The rain slowed to a gentle mist, cooling overheated bodies until goosebumps covered their flesh.

  Sometime later, Wade roused enough to right his jeans, then he gathered her clothes and tucked them into her arms, before taking her in his and rising, carrying her out of the rain and into the house. He laid her on the bed, heedless of their filthy bodies, spooning up behind her, tucking her against him. His arms locked around her middle as though he never intended to let go.

  It was after midnight when she finally freed herself. She hadn’t slept. Her mind had chased itself in circles but she knew what she had to do. Wade was a throwback, an old-fashioned man in modern times. His honor would insist that he marry Jamie. Nikki’s pride demanded that she leave.

  Turning, Nikki paused to look at him, light from the hallway casting half his face into shadow. He looked exhausted. She had noticed the lines of strain forming around his mouth and eyes, but she had attributed them to work. She knew otherwise now.

  It had been guilt. And it had probably been guilt that dulled his appetite to the point of not eating. Weight he hadn’t needed to lose had melted off, leaving him far more lean than normal. There was nothing on him any more but muscle and sinew

  Gently, she brushed back a silky black lock of hair that had fallen into his eyes. Then, as a sob threatened to burst free, she turned away.

  Silently Nikki gathered her filthy clothes, just as she silently laid her diamond engagement ring on the dresser, next to his keys and a mess of coins. Then she slid out of the bedroom. She dressed quickly, donning ru­ined shorts, tying her shirt in a knot at her rib cage to keep it closed. She grabbed her purse and keys and was out the door without looking back.

  If she looked back, she’d never be able to leave.

  Early the next morning, Nikki stood in front of her closet, staring at her fairy tale wedding dress. The rain from the past night hadn’t ever stopped—it flowed down in heavy sheets from the leaden sky. Her belly hurt. The smell of the rain drifting through the open windows in the apartment might have chased away the cigarette smoke and the stink of beer, but it brought with it a memory she was already trying to bury.

  Last night…the rain, his hands moving across her slick flesh while thunder clapped overhead.

  In less than two weeks, she would have worn that dress as she walked down the aisle to marry the only person who had ever meant anything to her.

  Dimly, through thin walls, she heard the low sound of her father’s voice as he spoke on the telephone. He had called on some of Nikki’s friends to help relay the news of the canceled wedding. Earlier, Jack Kline had held her in his lap while she cried her heart out. The shower gifts had been removed from her room, her brothers roped into dealing with them.

  Staring at the creamy ivory silk of the dress, Nikki wished she could been bitter. If she could be bitter, angry, this hurt wouldn’t be so bad, so complete.

  Reaching out, she touched a shaky hand to the vinyl that protected the dress. Lightly, gently, her fingers skimmed over it, to the faux seed pearls at the sweetheart neckline, down the embroidered bodice to a skirt that was elegantly simple, with just a few touches of lace at the hem.

  Nikki had known the moment she had seen it that this was the dress. Every single penny of the six hundred she had plunked out for it had been worth it, even though it had involved sacrificing some of her hard-earned savings, even though she had put in double shifts to pay for it over the summer.

  Suddenly, her hand closed around the vinyl casing and she jerked it from the rod. Mechanically, she turned on her heel, marched out of the bedroom. Jack called out her name, but Nikki didn’t hear it as she continued down the stairs and out the door. Both of her brothers tossed each other a look and then bounded out of their chairs to come after her.

  Within seconds, her hair was plastered to her skull. She crossed the street in muddy rainwater that covered her bare feet up to the ankles. Lightening lit the sky in brief intervals, highlighting her stark face as she moved to the dumpster.

  Holding the dress out in front her, she studied it as she had when she had selected it from the rack in the discount bridal store. Gently, almost lovingly, she ran her hand down the casing, now slick with rain. And then she hurled it into the dumpster, along with all of her dreams.

  Now…

  Nikki came back to herself slowly, sitting in front of the refrigerator, cold and aching inside
as though the years hadn’t passed. As though it had just happened. She wiped away her tears, and shakily pushed herself to her feet. Nikki rested briefly against the counter before moving woodenly into the living room. She had left that night, thinking it all over.

  But it hadn’t been.

  For that final night, something had gone incredibly wrong. Or incredibly right. That turbulent night, their bodies soaked with rain and sweat, Wade had planted a child in her. And by doing so, he had saved her life.

  Painful as it was, even Nikki couldn’t deny the irony of it all. She was the one who ended up like the interloper, for by the time she knew about the baby, Wade and Jamie were married. And Nikki had stayed hidden away, for the few months remaining that she would live in Louisville. By the time Halloween rolled around, she and her family had settled in Monticello in a rented house while they waited for their own house to be built.

  She mechanically went through the motions as she flew to New York with her younger brother who had taken on the responsibility of parent since Jack had fallen into another drinking binge, signed contracts with the publishing company, then endorsed a check for more money than she had ever dreamed of having. It meant less than nothing to her.

  Jamie had set up housekeeping while Nikki withered away to nothing, her interest in life all but gone. While Nikki couldn’t even work up interest in finally having the money to get the hell out of Portland, Jamie had taken over the home that Nikki and Wade had selected together.

  It should have been her living in that house, sharing all the new things with her husband. Nikki should have had him with her as she went to the doctor, listening to the baby’s heartbeat, coaxing her to eat. Wade should have been there to help her when her body was too cumbersome to get out of bed easily, her stomach too big for her to see her own feet, much less tie her shoes. He should have been there to share all her fears with, and her hopes.

  Instead, Nikki had sat, scared and shaking, through each doctor visit, each time awaiting to her some bad news. Each time, expecting to hear the baby wasn’t going to make it after all. Her dad with her the first time they had the baby’s heartbeat. He had been the one to dry her terrified tears and calm her when the anxiety got too bad. Her brothers and father had been the ones to help haul her up out of chairs.