The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  On Friday afternoon when I got home from work and collecting the children I found a letter on the mat for Martin. An official looking letter that from the logo name on the envelope of Waterman and Stiles sounded like a firm of solicitors. My first thoughts were that Martin had started divorce proceedings but I was sure that he’d have told me or at least mentioned it if he was going to go all legal. But then I was sure that he’d come home from Spain as soon as he could and he hadn’t done that, so actually I wasn’t sure about anything anymore not as far as Martin was concerned.

  I phoned him and asked should I open it in case it was important which I was fairly certain it was, but he’d said ‘no, I’ll come over’ which made me more convinced than ever that this was the first step towards divorce or at least a legal separation and now this letter had arrived we’d have to discuss it. If it turned out that was what the letter was about and he’d gone ahead and done this without talking to me first I could have saved him a lot of money, I’d kill him and then we wouldn’t need a divorce or the services of a solicitor, except maybe to read the will afterwards that’s if we had a will which I didn’t think we did have but maybe that was something else I didn’t know about. I’ve really got to stop being so angry all the time I thought, I’ve been ready to kill Martin so many times lately that I’ve lost count and if I didn’t chill out a bit one of these days I might end up actually doing it.

  Martin got there about half an hour later by which time I’d raged a bit, cried a bit, and anguished a lot. There was the usual enthusiastic greeting from the children and then Martin had said ‘you two go and play in the garden for a bit, I need to talk to Mummy about something’.

  He sat down at the kitchen table and I put the letter in front of him, but all he did was look at it and ask if there was any tea going. ‘Aren’t you going to open it?’ I said.

  ‘Yes I will’ he said still without touching it. ‘Is this what I think it is?’

  ‘I don’t know, depends what you think it is’ I said.

  ‘Is this a letter from your solicitors Sophie? You could have just talked to me you know, you didn’t have to get a solicitor to write me a letter’ he said looking pained.

  ‘What? I don’t know any solicitors I thought it was letter from your solicitors’ I said.

  ‘I don’t have a solicitor, I’ve never even heard of Waterman and Stiles’ he said defensively as he read the name off the envelope.

  ‘So who the hell are they then and why are they writing to you?’ I said just as defensively.

  ‘I don’t know’ he said staring at the envelope in a kind of stupor.

  ‘Well there’s only one way to find out, open it’ I urged.

  ‘Right’ he said slowly and still not moving.

  ‘It’s not going to bite you, open it for God’s sake.’

  Finally Martin opened the letter and then sat reading it without saying a word or having any reaction.

  ‘Well what does it say?’ I said ready to snatch it out of his hands if he didn’t enlighten me in the next twenty seconds.

  ‘Waterman and Stiles are not solicitors’ Martin said as if that explained everything.

  ‘Not?’ I said.

  ‘No.’

  ‘So who are they?’

  ‘They’re receivers’ Martin said still studying the letter.

  ‘Oh’ I said. ‘And what does that mean, what’s a receiver when it’s at home?’

  ‘Homes Abroad have gone bust, they’re in receivership and Waterman and Stiles are the receivers.’

  ‘Oh’ I said not really understanding what it meant. The ‘gone bust’ bit I got no big surprises there, but ‘in receivership’ meant nothing to me.

  ‘Evidently they have to sell all the company’s assets and pay off all the creditors including everyone who was working for them.’

  ‘Does that mean you’re going to get paid?’

  ‘I think it does, yes’ Martin said but still not smiling.

  ‘Well that’s a good thing isn’t it?’ I said puzzled by Martins serious face, I’d have thought he’d have been jumping around with excitement.

  ‘Yes . . . yes it’s a good thing.’

  ‘So?’ I queried.

  ‘Apparently it might take a while, six months or even a year. And although of all the debts outstanding salaries and wages are always the first to be paid when a company goes into receivership, they might not be able to pay it all it might be just a percentage’ Martin said quoting from the letter.

  ‘How much of a percentage?’

  ‘They don’t know. They’ve got to audit the books and assess what the company’s worth and how much they owe everyone and then sell everything off, that’s why it takes so long. There’s a chance they might get a buyer for the whole company who’ll just take it over and carry on, but if not this Waterman and Stiles will have to sell it off bit by bit and if they don’t get enough then everyone who’s owed money only gets a percentage’ Martin said.

  ‘Well at least you’ll get something’ I said trying to be positive.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So why the gloomy face?’

  ‘A year Soph, it might take a year and then I might only get half of what I’m owed, and it doesn’t say anything about the three hundred and fifty euros we paid them for expenses’ Martin said.

  ‘Maybe they don’t know about that.’

  ‘Maybe’ Martin said thoughtfully.

  ‘You should write back and tell them.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well cheer up this is good news. Yes you’ll have to wait and yes you might only get some of what you’re owed but at least it’s something’ I said getting up to make the tea Martin had asked for at the beginning of this conversation.

  ‘You thought this letter was about getting a divorce’ Martin said to my back.

  ‘So did you’ I said without turning round.

  ‘So does that mean we’re getting a divorce?’

  ‘I don’t know are we?’ I said prevaricating as I turned to face him. If we were I didn’t want to be the first one to say it.

  ‘I don’t want to but you’re the one who doesn’t want me living here anymore’ Martin said sulkily.

  ‘And you’re the one who chose his best mate over his family.’

  ‘This again’ Martin huffed. ‘I was just trying to get paid’ he said through clenched teeth.

  ‘Yeah a bit it was that, but mostly it was being with Lenny.’

  Martin looked at me despairingly and then stood up and walked towards me. ‘Can’t we forget about that, just put it all behind us? I don’t want to live at Lenny’s I want to be here with you and the kids.’

  ‘Oh Martin’ I said all my resolve crumbling as he held me close in a comforting hug.

  ‘I wanted to come home, when I was working in Spain I mean’ he said into my hair.

  ‘I wish you had, in fact I wish you’d never gone in the first place.’

  ‘I know, but it was a chance and Lenny said . . .’ Martin started to say but the mere mention of bloody Lenny got me riled up again.

  ‘You had to say it didn’t you, you had to mention Lenny’s name? No I love you Sophie, or I’ve missed you Sophie, you couldn’t go for five minutes without bringing bloody Lenny into it’ I said pulling away.

  ‘Of course I missed you, I was only saying . . .’

  ‘Don’t . . . I swear if I hear one more word about Lenny and how you can’t let him down and how much he needs you . . . he doesn’t need you he’s a grown man, well he’s supposed to be a grown man.’

  ‘Sophie’ Martin said trying to hug me again but I took a step back to avoid him.

  ‘You just don’t get it do you, even after everything that’s happened you’re still defending him, still choosing him over me. What Lenny wants, what Lenny needs, and the rest of us might get a look in if bloody Lenny’s alright on his own for five minutes.’

  ‘It’s not like that’ Martin said.

  ‘Isn’t it? The more I think about it t
he more convinced I am that Lenny’s always been a part of our relationship, in fact I don’t think we ever had a proper relationship did we? It was you and Lenny that had the relationship I just tagged along. You should never have married me Martin, you should have set up house with Lenny and then you could be there to babysit him and jump to it every time he crooked his little finger. Well now you can. Now you can give him all the time and attention he want’s’ I spat out angrily.

  ‘For God’s sake Sophie now you’re just being ridiculous.’

  ‘Ridiculous is it? Think about it even before all this Spain stuff you were choosing him over me, look what happened on my birthday. That was just a typical day in the life of you, me, and Lenny. And who came out on top, who got their own way? Ooh let me think . . . oh yes it was Lenny . . . again.’

  ‘But he’s my best mate; we’ve been mates for . . .’

  ‘I know’ I ground out. ‘But here’s a radical idea for you to ponder on, when you get married there’s a certain pecking order your nearest and dearest expect of you. First comes your wife, then your children, then your mum and dad, and last of all your mates even best mates that you’ve had for years’ I said.

  ‘Fine then, have it your way.’

  ‘You know what Martin that’s exactly what I am going to do. From now on I’ll have it all my way. You asked me earlier if we were getting a divorce well the answer is yes, yes we are getting a divorce just as soon as I can arrange it.’

  ‘Sophie please . . . just listen to me for a minute . . .’

  ‘Um shouldn’t you be reporting back to Lenny, after all he might need you for something?’ I said switching the kettle off and walking out the back door to leave him standing there all on his own.

  23

  So this was it then, the beginning of the end. The ‘D’ word had been mentioned and it was just a matter of time before the ‘D’ word became a whole sentence.

  The next day was a Saturday and Martin turned up at half seven in the morning for his stint at child-minding. After our conversation the previous evening it was awkward beyond belief but the practicalities of our situation meant we had no choice but to just get on with it. I contented myself with a parting shot of ‘are you sure Lenny can spare you for the whole day?’ And without waiting for an answer took myself off to work.

  The last thing I felt like doing was being at work. Maybe if I’d had the sort of job where I didn’t have to think too much and where I didn’t have to be nice to everyone all day it wouldn’t have been so bad. Of course Julie and Dianne knew what was going on so they were sympathetic and supportive which was just what I needed at the moment, but it was still work.

  ‘So divorce then’ Julie said when I’d caught her up on last night’s events.

  ‘Looks like it although neither of us will be able to afford it at the moment, or for the next twenty years as far as I can see, but ultimately yes divorce’ I said morosely.

  Julie gave me a hug, but much as I needed a hug it was also what broke me. I’d just about been holding it together up until that point but now I cried uncontrollably.

  ‘Oh Soph’ Julie said.

  Then when Di came over and hugged me as well I sobbed like a baby. ‘Oh Sophie’ she said echoing Julie.

  Greg wanted to know what was going on and reminded us all that the first customer was due to arrive soon but Julie told him in no uncertain terms ‘well she’ll just have to wait then won’t she’.

  ‘I haven’t got anyone till nine I’ll take her Soph, you go and get yourself a coffee’ Di said. ‘Alright Greg?’ She added in a voice that dared him to say otherwise.

  ‘And my first appointment’s not until half past eight and it’s only Mrs Mason who’s always late anyway so I’ll go with her’ Julie said.

  In the face of this joint rebellion and seeing how upset I was Greg didn’t really have much choice so reluctantly agreed. Julie with her arm still round me while I carried on crying shepherded me out to the back room and rearranged the boxes of stock so I could sit down. She handed me a roll of paper towels and started making us both a cup of coffee.

  ‘I never thought I’d be a divorced woman’ I said sniffing and trying to stem the tide of tears that were streaming down my face.

  ‘No I don’t suppose any woman imagines they’ll be divorced one day, but it happens. There are probably more divorced women out there than married ones’ Julie said as she poured the boiling water into the cups.

  ‘I guess’ I said before blowing my nose.

  ‘Here drink this and if you still feel bad I’ll tell Greg you’re not up to it and you have to go home’ Julie said handing me a steaming cup.

  ‘I can’t go home. For one thing I don’t want to go home Martin’s there, and anyway Greg made it quite clear I couldn’t have another Saturday off.’

  ‘You leave Greg to me, if you need to go home then go. Me and Dianne will cover your appointments’ Julie said assertively.

  ‘Thanks Julie but I’ll be alright, I just need five minutes and I’ll be fine’ I said still sniffing.

  ‘Martin’s an arse’ Julie said.

  ‘Tell me something I don’t know’ I said as I took my first sip of coffee and Julie leaned back against the worktop.

  ‘What you need is a night out, a bit of me time with no kids and no arse of a husband, just to remind yourself who Sophie is and that you’re more than someone’s mum or someone’s housekeeper come live-in maid.’

  ‘I know what you mean but I can’t, I’m not ready for nights out. I couldn’t face it I just . . . no I can’t.’

  ‘Well think about it and when you’re ready we’ll arrange it. A girl’s night out with the three of us and we could ask Carol from the bakery, and my sister Jill she’s always moaning about her other half, and . . .’

  ‘I’ll think about it’ I said interrupting her before she got too carried away and organised a full scale charabanc outing.

  Dianne came out to join us and said that my eight o’clock had cancelled so she was going to have a coffee with us. ‘And anyway’ she said, ‘I wanted to invite you both out for a meal on Sunday week’.

  ‘A meal as in dinner you mean?’ Julie said.

  ‘Yes me and Rich are sort of celebrating and I thought you and Chris, and you and Martin . . . well obviously not Martin now, but you might like to come.’

  ‘I don’t think . . .’ I started to say but Julie interrupted before I could finish.

  ‘Nonsense, this is just what you need. You’re not ready for a girls night out which is fine and I accept that it’s probably a bit soon for that sort of thing, but a meal out with friends yes you could do that.’

  ‘No really I can’t’ I said.

  ‘Yes you can. When was the last time you went anywhere without the children? . . . You can’t remember can you? . . . So you’re coming’ Julie said in a way that brooked no argument. ‘Great idea Di this is exactly what Sophie needs.’

  ‘Yes . . . and that’s good but . . . well I was going to invite you both anyway even before Sophie told us about . . .’ Di said.

  ‘Right . . . okay, it’s still a good idea though. So if you were going to do it anyway what’s it all in aid of, someone’s birthday or did you just fancy a night out?’ Julie asked.

  ‘No not a birthday’ Di said carefully.

  ‘So an anniversary?’

  ‘No not an anniversary. Richard and I are getting engaged’ Di said sheepishly. ‘I’m sorry Soph I shouldn’t have said anything not after you and Martin . . .’

  ‘What? No it’s fine; it’s more than fine it’s great. I’m really pleased for you’ I said.

  ‘Engaged eh? Well that is a surprise’ Julie said sarcastically and we all laughed. ‘Who’d have thought you’d get engaged to this bloke you’ve been going on about since the day you met him, and then when you moved in together and everything was so wonderful . . . who could have predicted it would lead to an engagement?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah . . . so will you come?’ Di said.

/>   ‘Just try and stop me, I can’t wait to meet this wonderful specimen of perfect maleness you’ve been boring us all with for months. Let’s hope Chris takes a few pointers, in fact I might manoeuvre it so that your Richard and my Chris are locked in the bathroom together for a couple of hours just to make sure. Of course there’s always the possibility that my Chris will teach your Richard a few things that you might not want him learning, but hey it’s worth a try’ Julie said.

  Greg came out the back just as we were all laughing which must have looked as if I wasn’t really upset and we’d made it all up to skive off, but he didn’t say anything only that Julie’s half eight had arrived.

  Julie took a last swig of her coffee and went to greet her customer. When she’d gone Dianne asked me if I was alright and I said yes. ‘You will come on Sunday won’t you; I mean I understand if you don’t think you . . .’ she said.

  ‘I don’t know Di, I’m really pleased for you but I’m not sure I’m up to going out anywhere.’

  ‘Well don’t decide now see how you feel on the day. We’re going to Finney’s and then on to Zoo, the nightclub not the animal place, you could just come for the meal at Finney’s if you don’t fancy clubbing.’

  ‘Okay I’ll think about it’ I said pretty sure I didn’t need to think about it.

  The rest of Saturday dragged on. Mostly straight forward shampoo and blow dry’s, a couple of trims, and Mrs Fairchild who’d had the unadvisable red hair dye job had now decided to go blonde which was a complete nightmare as bleaching red hair inevitably turns it ginger. I’d left the bleach on for as long as I dared and her hair had lightened considerably but she’d need another session for it to go the silvery colour she wanted.

  When we were packing up Julie and Di gave me another hug and Julie said to ring her if I needed a friend to talk to and finally we were out the door and I was on my way home.

  As I came through the front door Martin went out of it without a word. He must have been ready and waiting for me to return and the second he heard the key in the door had bolted as fast as he could. I walked out to the kitchen and could see Ben and Kate playing in the back garden oblivious of my return or Martin’s departure. I dumped my bag and made myself a cup of tea and was able to drink it in peace, at least some of it anyway, before the children pounced on me.