The Dream Life I Never Had

by Terri Douglas

  ‘Right Benny’ she said ‘sit nice and still or this is going to hurt’. Of course the instant effect was to make Ben quake even more. ‘Perhaps you should hold him still Mummy’ she said putting sarcastic emphasis on the Mummy.

  ‘Try and sit still Darling’ I said to Ben as I held his hand again.

  The wrestler held up the syringe and leaned in towards her target. Ben watched the needle getting closer and closer and at the very last minute he leaned forward and bit down hard on the wrestler’s hand. She snatched her hand away cursing and hoping around and I could see her hand had started bleeding. ‘You little bastard’ she shouted at him.

  ‘Are you alright Angela?’ The other nurse asked. Angela I thought, the sadistic Japanese wrestling cows name was Angela? Anyone less angelic I couldn’t imagine.

  ‘I’m so sorry’ I said ‘but I did tell you he was a bit nervous’.

  ‘You need to teach your son some manners’ Angela said nastily as if it was a threat.

  ‘Perhaps if you’d been a little more gentle with him’ I said huffily reacting to her tone of voice, while Ben remained in his chair smiling to himself.

  ‘Gentle? I’ll have you know I’ve been doing this job for sixteen years so I think I know what I’m doing don’t you? And I’ve never been bitten before, never.’

  ‘Actually no, I don’t think you do know what you’re doing. I’m guessing you don’t have any children of your own otherwise you’d know that trying to force a three year old to do something he doesn’t want to do is probably going to result in them retaliating in some way, especially when you’re doing your best to scare them witless. Tell me Angela why did you ever become a nurse; clearly you have no interest in trying to help people or make them feel better?’

  ‘You can’t speak to me like that’ Angela said going red in the face and squaring up to me.

  Under normal circumstances I would never be brave enough to stand up to a colossus of a woman like that even if I did have right on my side, but this was in defence of my child and reason and survival, my survival, didn’t come into it. She was a bitch, she’d frightened my son and now she’d paid the price, if he hadn’t bitten her I might have bitten her myself.

  ‘No? Well I think I just did’ I answered bravely. ‘Why don’t you go and stick a plaster on your hand and maybe think about starting a new career, one more suited to your temperament like . . . oh I don’t know like a prison warder or perhaps the chief torturer somewhere. And while you’re at it you should probably get a tetanus shot, or maybe it’s my Ben that needs the tetanus shot.’

  No-one was more surprised than me when Angela stood gob-smacked for a second or two and then turned without retaliation of any kind and left the room still holding her injured hand with the blood dripping between her fingers. I’m guessing given her size and demeanour that not many people stood up to her, and now that someone had she was a bit lost for words.

  I turned towards the remaining nurse and said as politely and sweetly as I could ‘I’m so sorry about that but she did rather ask for it’.

  ‘Damn right she did, I’ve been waiting for years for someone to do that. Now what do you want to do about your son’s vaccination, should we leave it until another day?’

  I turned to Ben. ‘Ben you have to have your jab, I know it hurts but everyone has to have them. I think you should do it now while we’re here and get it over with but you must promise not to bite the nurse, that was a very naughty thing to do. So what do you say?’

  ‘Kay Mummy’ Ben said contritely.

  ‘And you promise not to bite anyone, but to sit very still and be brave?’ I said in a tone that brooked no argument.

  ‘Kay Mummy’

  ‘Okay’ I said turning back to the nurse.

  She picked up the syringe and held it down by her side it out of sight and then nervously looked at me for a second. I held Ben’s hand and he scrunched his eyes tight shut in anticipation and I nodded at the nurse.

  Two seconds later it was all over. Ben did say ‘ow’ rather loudly but he didn’t cry and perhaps more importantly he didn’t bite the nurse.

  ‘Well done Ben’ the nurse said.

  ‘Yes very well done’ I said. ‘Come on let’s go and get some ice cream.’

  37

  Kate enjoyed her week at Mum and Dads although she did get a bit bored towards the end of it. I think she was mostly missing having other children to play with and despite her recent revelation about boys was missing Oliver most of all, and Julie had told me that Oliver had been missing Kate.

  Ben was feeling rather pleased with himself that he’d survived having his injection, and proudly showed anyone and everyone his arm and the small fading evidence of his jab. I’d had a little talk with him about biting people but it was a difficult conversation to have. Obviously he shouldn’t have bitten the nurse even though I privately thought she was a cow and deserved it, but I’d always told him that if a stranger was trying to take him away or hurt him he should shout and scream and fight them off as best he could and run away.

  ‘But she was trying to hurt me’ he’d said putting emphasis on the ‘was’ and I couldn’t really argue with that reasoning.

  ‘Well in a way she was, but she was a nurse and the injection was to help you’ I said knowing that to a three year old this argument didn’t make any sense at all. I didn’t want to negate the ‘stranger’ conversations we’d had but I couldn’t let him think it was okay to bite people.

  In the end I left it at ‘if a stranger is trying to take you away and stop you seeing Mummy it’s okay to bite them and then you must run away as fast as you can, but it’s not okay to bite anyone else’. I hoped he understood but I had a feeling that in spite of his usual ‘kay Mummy’ he didn’t really understand at all, to him hurting was hurting and nurse Angela was a scary stranger about to inflict pain so biting was a perfectly acceptable and justified reaction.

  On Thursday Steve the washing machine miracle man, had phoned to say he could get hold of a nearly new reconditioned washer for a fraction of the cost of a new one. I couldn’t really afford it even though it was quite a good price as these things go, but on the other hand I couldn’t afford not to get it as the alternative was to manage without a washing machine at all if and when my old one died. So I said ‘yes okay’ and arranged that Steve would come and install it and take my old one away on Sunday morning. It would be a relief to have a washer I could rely on as since Steve’s last visit and his fatal diagnosis I’d been trying to use my old machine as little as possible. On the other hand it was not such a relief given my current lack of funds to have to part with so much cash.

  Saturday was a repeat performance of the previous Saturday with Martin virtually ignoring me, except that this Saturday I came home to a half-finished guinea pig run. Evidently this project hadn’t gone quite according to plan and Kate let slip after Martin had gone that he’d lost his temper at how difficult his bits of wood were being and had eventually given up altogether. When Kate told me, with Ben adding his own little anecdotes on the colourful language Martin had used it had taken a will of iron for me not to laugh out loud, not at the colourful language in front of the children that wasn’t so good, but at Martins failed attempt and his getting angry with the wood . . . yeah that was funny to imagine.

  I was up early on Sunday morning; even given my penchant for getting up at the crack of dawn it was early even for me. It was still dark when I made my tea and I stood at the sink looking out at the unfinished guinea pig run, what I could see of it in the dimness. Bits of wood were scattered everywhere and although I was still smiling at the thought of Martins frustration I couldn’t help wondering how I was going to mow the grass.

  In the dream life I would be the one who put the guinea pig run together, it would be a simple box shape with a hinged door in one end for easy access and light enough to be moved for mowing. The guinea pigs would love it, the children would love it. Word would spread and other people would ask me where I’d
got it from and I would casually say ‘oh I made that one weekend’ and they’d ask me to make them one. I’d get so many requests I’d start charging a nominal fee and I’d buy the wood and chicken wire in bulk, and before long I’d be making a mint of money and local pet stores would ask me to supply them. Martin of course would be livid. At first he’d be totally gob-smacked that I’d managed to build anything out of wood at all, especially when he’d failed, and then he’d get annoyed at all the attention I was receiving and even more annoyed when I started earning money from it.

  I laughed to myself at all my fantasising. The truth was I probably couldn’t build anything at all out of wood or anything else and wouldn’t even know where to start.

  I sat down at the kitchen table and wondered yet again what was going to happen to all of us and how we were going to manage. If only Martin wasn’t such a thoughtless arse, if only he wasn’t so enamoured with bloody Lenny and all his carrying on, if only he wasn’t going out with Lindsey or maybe that was just wishful thinking on his part I still wasn’t sure. Maybe if he hadn’t gone to Spain or been made redundant things would have turned out differently, maybe if we had more money or a bigger house . . . or if he loved me.

  Of all the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’ the biggest ‘if’ was if Martin really loved me. If Martin really loved me I could cope with him being such a clueless idiot and getting it wrong all the time, I could cope with no money I’d still moan of course but I’d cope. I could even cope with him being friends with bloody Lenny as long as he didn’t think more of Lenny than he did of me. But he didn’t, the bottom line was he didn’t love me, if he had none of the last few months would have happened would it?

  A few tears escaped as I sipped my tea and faced the bitter truth which was that like it or not, logical or not, I still loved Martin with all his flaws but he didn’t love me anymore. He’d proved it hadn’t he, actions speak louder than words so they say and Martins actions shouted loud and clear that he didn’t love me. He didn’t hate me but he didn’t love me, and I couldn’t live with him knowing that’s how he felt.

  I’m not sure how long I sat there but by the time I heard the children waking up my tea had gone cold, the sun was beginning to come up and I still hadn’t moved.

  Ben and Kate said an enthusiastic hello and good morning to Gordon and Gory and then a belated hello to me, which left me in no doubt just where I came in the pecking order. We had breakfast and got dressed and Kate asked if we could get the guinea pigs out.

  ‘Later’ I said. ‘We can’t get them out now the man’s coming to install our new washing machine, maybe when he’s gone.’

  ‘Can I watch?’ Ben asked.

  ‘Only if you promise to be good and stay out of his way.’

  ‘I want to help, I helped Daddy’ Ben said eagerly.

  ‘Mm maybe you should watch the telly, isn’t your programme on in a minute?’

  ‘What programme?’ Ben said.

  ‘I thought your Team Umizoomi was on in a minute’ I said but Ben gave me the look that suggested he thought I must be stupid. ‘Isn’t it on, I thought it was on this morning?’

  ‘Ben doesn’t watch that anymore, he’s fed up with it; his new favourite is Jake and the Neverland Pirates’ Kate said in a tone that implied I should have known that.

  ‘Oh’ I said ‘well maybe Jake’s on or I could put a DVD on’.

  ‘Frozen’ Kate said straight away and I smiled to myself that finally we could stop watching ‘Up’ so often, although I surmised that I’d probably get just as fed up with ‘Frozen’ as I had with ‘Up’.

  ‘Kay’ Ben said reluctantly giving in to his sisters choice.

  Steve arrived on the dot of half eight just as he’d promised and an hour later I had a brand new washing machine installed, well new to me anyway. The old machine was out by the back gate ready to be loaded onto Steve’s van and I was making tea while he washed his hands. The ‘Frozen’ DVD had finished and Ben and Kate came out to the kitchen singing ‘Let it Go’ in-between begging for a drink of juice.

  ‘Frozen?’ Steve said. ‘Yeah my kids like watching that.’ There then followed an excited discussion between Steve, Kate and Ben as to which were the best bits and which songs they liked the most and I got the distinct impression that Steve’s children weren’t the only ones in his house who liked watching Frozen.

  ‘They’ve got a float done up with a ‘Frozen’ theme at the Summer Carnival this afternoon, are you all going to see it?’ Steve said referring to the annual end of summer event held in town.

  ‘Is that today, I thought that was next week?’ I said.

  ‘No it’s always the last weekend in August’ Steve said.

  Only then did I remember seeing a lot of council workmen preparing to close off the main road through town last night on my way home, it just hadn’t registered properly exactly what they were doing or why. In previous years the four of us as a family had gone to watch the floats drive past and then we’d wander round the various stalls set up and had hotdogs followed by ice cream. Some years it poured with rain but it didn’t stop us going and didn’t prevent us from having a good time.

  ‘Can we go Mum?’ Kate said excitedly.

  ‘Um . . .’ I hedged. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go; it’d be too depressing going as a family of only three. This time last year Martin and I were still together with no idea that it was to be our last Summer Carnival together; we’d always gone every year even before we’d had the children, since the year we started going out with each other. Last year Kate had been nervously anticipating starting school the following week, and Ben had been clueless about going to nursery even though I’d tried explaining it to him. It was a family tradition, a last fling as it were before the end of summer. Only now our family was broken and I didn’t know if I could face a harsh reminder like this.

  ‘Please Mum’ Kate said.

  ‘Please Mummy’ Ben said and they both looked at me with pleading puppy dog eyes.

  ‘I’m not sure if . . .’ I started.

  ‘Please, please can we go?’ Kate said exaggeratedly elongating the ‘please’.

  ‘I suppose . . .’ I began again but before I could finish Ben and Kate were already dancing round the kitchen to celebrate their victory.

  38

  We had an early lunch and I dressed Ben and Kate in the appropriate British summer day-out garb that was jeans, tee-shirt, jumper and raincoat and was therefore prepared for all weathers. We walked up to the bus stop and waited for the bus into town which being a Sunday only ran every forty minutes instead of the usual every ten. The carnival didn’t start until two but we were going early as experience had taught me that to get a good viewing spot you needed to be there well in advance.

  When the bus came it was packed solid and we almost didn’t get on. We couldn’t go upstairs as I’d promised Ben because there were no seats left; instead we had to stand along the aisle downstairs. An old lady sitting near the front tried to coax Ben to sit on her lap but he did his usual freaked out panic and hid his face in my legs so that he wouldn’t have to look at her, and then hung on to me with his face buried for the entire rest of the journey.

  The bus was diverted from its normal course when we neared town as the High Street had been closed off, so we and all the other passengers disembarked at the temporary bus stop half a mile or so from our destination and walked the rest of the way.

  There were stalls set up everywhere and as usual it felt like being at a funfair but without all the rides. Ben and Kate were eager to look at everything but I didn’t dare be persuaded from our purpose which was to secure a good viewing position at or at least near the front somewhere along the lined High Street; it was only half past one but already the crowds were three or four people deep in places.

  After adjusting the straps to their maximum length I had borrowed Kate’s Peppa Pig backpack instead of taking my usual bag to allow both of my hands to be free, and I clung on to Ben and Kate’s hands tightly
. If either one of them got lost in all the crowds heaven knows how I would find them again. We edged our way through the crush of people, some more polite than others, and eventually found a spot on the corner of Brompton Road. All we had to do now was to wait for the parade to begin.

  Naturally Ben and Kate were bored within the first five minutes of waiting and I jollied them along explaining that we daren’t move or we’d lose our spot and then we wouldn’t be able to see anything. I pointed out various people dressed up as clowns or cartoon characters and that distracted them for a minute or two. We spotted several other families we knew who were there to watch just as we were including Steve the washing machine guy and we waved to them, and that worked for another minute and a half. I bribed them both with promises of hotdogs and milkshakes as soon as the parade had passed if they’d be good and would wait patiently, and that worked for almost ten minutes.

  I looked around for anything or anyone that might temporarily divert the children and on the other side of the street who should I see but Martin and Lindsey. He’s gone to the carnival without me I thought, not only has he gone without me but he’s gone with someone else. I was devastated and furious all at the same time. How could he even think of going without me? This was our thing, we always went together.

  Then Kate spotted her dad and started shouting ‘Daddy’ and waving frantically, but there was too much noise and too much going on and Martin didn’t hear her. ‘Why isn’t Daddy waving back?’ She said.

  ‘I don’t think he can hear you’ I said.

  ‘Why doesn’t he come and stand with us?’ Kate said.

  ‘He probably hasn’t noticed us’ I said.

  ‘Who’s that lady?’ Ben asked as Martin leaned down to say something in Lindsey’s ear.

  ‘It’s a friend of Daddy’s’ I said.

  ‘I never seen her before’ Ben said slightly miffed that his dad had a friend that he didn’t know about.

  ‘I think she was a friend of Lenny’s and now that Daddy’s staying with him she’s a friend of Daddy’s as well.’