The Doctor's Christmas Gift

by Jennifer Taylor

  ‘I’d like to take the clinic as much for my benefit as yours, Matt,’ she said more calmly this time. ‘It will be valuable experience for me.’

  ‘I see. Then we’re both getting something out of this arrangement. Good.’

  He turned to leave but all of a sudden she knew they couldn’t go on like this. She had to make him understand that her decision not to go back to the house had had nothing to do with her feelings for him. It was her own fear of losing control of her life that had stopped her taking their relationship a step further.

  ‘Can I have a word with you before you go, Matt?’

  ‘Can it wait?’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I need to get started on the house calls if I’m to be finished in time for the concert.’

  ‘Of course. Another time, then.’

  Catherine’s lips pursed as he left the room. She had a sneaking suspicion that he’d guessed what she wanted to talk about. Was he so upset that he couldn’t bear to listen to her or was he just not interested any more?

  The thought that he might no longer care about her hurt so much that it was impossible to put it out of her mind. Fortunately, there were only half a dozen expectant mothers booked into the clinic that day and no real problems. Ann was there to help her, too—taking blood pressures and writing up the notes. However, it was worrying to realise how the situation was affecting her work. It made her wonder if she should start looking for another job. It might be easier for both her and Matt if she left Brookdale Surgery before her contract ran out.

  ‘Penny for them.’

  ‘Sorry?’ Catherine jumped when Ann tapped her on the arm.

  Ann laughed. ‘I don’t know what you were thinking about but you were miles away. There’s nothing wrong, is there, Catherine?’

  ‘Oh, no, of course not,’ Catherine said hurriedly. She glanced at the list on her desk and frowned. ‘Was that our last patient?’

  ‘Yes, that’s it. A nice early finish for once. It will give me time to pop to the shops before evening surgery starts.’ Ann gathered up the files. ‘David said that he felt like some fish for dinner tonight so I thought I’d try the fishmonger along the road. I usually buy everything from the supermarket but they don’t have a very good selection so I thought I’d try to get something a bit different to tempt him.’

  ‘How is he?’ Catherine asked, rolling up her stethoscope and popping it into the drawer.

  ‘Much better, I’m glad to say. The antibiotics have worked a treat.’

  ‘Did the oxygen help or didn’t you need to use it?’

  ‘I made David use it for a couple of nights and it definitely helped. In fact, he’s now admitted that he was having problems breathing at night even before this happened.’

  ‘It’s a common problem for people suffering from motor neurone disease,’ Catherine explained. ‘The respiratory muscles are often affected and it’s even more difficult at night when the patient is lying down.’

  ‘Is there anything you can suggest that might help?’ Ann asked worriedly.

  ‘The most effective treatment I know of is non-invasive ventilation via a nasal positive pressure ventilator. Because it doesn’t require an artificial airway it doesn’t cause problems with coughing or swallowing and there are no aftereffects during the day which would inhibit speech.’

  ‘It sounds ideal.’ Ann grimaced. ‘Do you think you could mention it to David when you next see him, though? He can be a bit touchy if I suggest anything to him and I don’t want to upset things when we seem to be making some progress.’

  ‘Does that mean what I hope it does?’ Catherine asked, laughing when Ann blushed. ‘I’m so pleased that you managed to talk some sense into him at last. How did you do it?’

  ‘I didn’t. I think it was seeing how upset I was when he was so ill that finally convinced him he was making a mistake by cutting me out of his life.’ Ann shrugged. ‘We had a long talk and I told him what I told you—that I wanted to spend whatever time we have together. It was really easy after that, but I have to be careful because he doesn’t like me playing nurse all the time. That’s why I’d appreciate it if you explained about that oxygen therapy.’

  ‘Of course I will. Then, if David agrees to try it, we can get things organised.’ Catherine smiled. ‘I’ve seen it used and it works extremely well.’

  She tidied up after Ann left then fetched her coat. There was quite a good selection of shops close to the surgery so she’d decided to make a start on her Christmas shopping. Normally she would have had it all done by this time but she hadn’t bought a thing that year apart from the cards she’d purchased at the school fair. Max and Patricia had invited her for supper on Christmas Eve so she would have to get them a present, plus she wanted to get something for the two receptionists.

  She made her purchases, selecting an expensive Italian glass vase for her friends and pretty silk scarves for Margaret and Sharon. She couldn’t help thinking how pitiful her two small bags looked compared to what most people were carrying. With Christmas just a week away everyone was loaded down with carrier bags full of goodies but, then, they were probably spending Christmas with their families.

  The thought was rather depressing even though the idea of spending Christmas on her own had never worried her before. She couldn’t seem to shake off the feeling as she made her way back to the surgery. Matt was just turning into the drive and she quickened her pace, not wanting to have to speak to him in case he sensed something was wrong. She intended to keep their dealings on a strictly professional footing until they had either resolved their difficulties or she had decided if she should leave. However, she hadn’t allowed for the fact that Hannah would spot her.

  ‘Catherine! Catherine, wait!’

  Catherine reluctantly stopped, unable to find it in her heart to ignore the little girl. She summoned a smile as Hannah came racing over to her. ‘Hello. How did your carol concert go?’

  ‘It was lovely, wasn’t it, Daddy?’

  ‘It was.’

  Matt had followed her and Catherine felt her heart bump painfully when she turned and saw him standing there. He looked so big and solid that she had the craziest urge to throw herself into his arms. All of a sudden she found herself wishing that she had come back the other night. Then she wouldn’t be spending Christmas on her own because she’d be spending it with Matt and his family.

  ‘That’s good.’ Her voice wobbled despite her resolve to behave with the utmost professionalism around him. The thought of what she had lost that night was just too difficult to deal with. Maybe she had safeguarded her plans for the future but she couldn’t help wondering if the cost had been far too high.

  She quickly excused herself and went to hurry inside before Matt noticed she was upset, but he put a detaining hand on her arm.

  ‘Are you all right, Catherine?’

  ‘I’m fine. Why shouldn’t I be?’

  ‘You tell me.’ His brows drew together as he subjected her to a searching look that brought the colour rushing to her face. ‘You look upset so there’s no point trying to pretend that everything is all right because I don’t believe you.’

  ‘You’re imagining it,’ she denied, far too quickly. She bit her lip when she saw the scepticism on his face. Matt obviously didn’t believe her and all of a sudden she found herself wondering what she was doing. Why on earth was she lying to him when what she really wanted to do was tell him the truth—that she wished she’d come back and spent the night with him, and that if he asked her again she wouldn’t make the same mistake a second time. She didn’t want to be on her own this Christmas. She wanted to spend it with him, this Christmas and all the other Christmases to come.

  The sheer enormity of that thought stole her breath and she gasped. Was she in love with Matt? Did that explain why she wanted to be with him and why she so regretted turning him down?

  She simply didn’t know and the fact that she couldn’t answer such an important question made her tremble with fear. It was as though her whole
life had suddenly run out of her control and was spinning towards mayhem and madness, and she didn’t know how to deal with it any more.

  ‘I’ll have to go. I need to…to get ready for surgery.’

  Catherine’s lips felt stiff with shock, her body trembling with tension, and she saw Matt look at her in alarm. She knew she had to get away before he started to question her because she needed to deal with what was happening herself before she tried to explain it to anyone else. If Matt told her that she mustn’t worry and that he would take care of everything then she would let him. She would turn her back on all her high ideals about independence without a thought or any care for what she might be doing. The realisation terrified her.

  She shrugged off his hand and hurried inside, ignoring him when he called her name. Margaret had returned to work after her bout of flu and she looked up when Catherine passed the office and said something to her but Catherine shook her head. Whatever the problem was, it would have to wait for a while, maybe even for ever because it might take the rest of her life to get herself back on track after what had happened.

  A wave of hysteria gripped her as she went into her room. She had always believed herself to be a person who could cope in a time of crisis but just look at her now. She was a gibbering wreck because she’d suddenly realised that she might have fallen in love with the one person in the world who could turn her life upside down. It would be interesting to see how she dealt with this situation!

  ‘Please, tell me what’s wrong, Catherine. I can’t bear to see you looking so unhappy.’

  She hadn’t heard Matt following her into the room and swung round. ‘Go away!’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why you’re upset.’

  He closed the door then walked over to the desk and pressed the button on the intercom. ‘Margaret, I’m with Dr Lewis in her office and we are not to be interrupted under any circumstances.’

  ‘You can’t do that!’ she exclaimed as he cut the connection.

  ‘I just have,’ he replied in the sort of no-nonsense tone he might have used when speaking to Hannah. Did he think that she was on a par with a six-year-old child, perhaps, and needed the same kind of firm handling?

  Her hysteria bubbled up and she laughed out loud. His mouth tightened as he took a couple of rapid steps that brought him to within touching distance of her.

  ‘Stop it, Catherine. Stop it now.’

  He took her gently in his arms, cradling her against him as her laughter suddenly turned to sobs. Catherine clung to him as all her fear rose to the surface, all the pain she had lived with for far too many years. Matt didn’t say a word. He just let her cry it all out, his arms steady and comforting around her, his heart beating reassuringly under her cheek. And after a little while her sobs subsided first to sniffles and then to hiccups.

  ‘Better?’ His tone was tender, nearly as tender as his expression as he set her from him and looked at her tear-streaked face.

  ‘Yes. I think so…’ She tailed off when she felt another wave of tears gather in her eyes. It had been years since she had cried and never like this, as though every tear had been stored up for years and had suddenly found a release.

  ‘Better, but still not right, eh?’ He wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs and her heart contracted on a spasm of pain because nobody had ever behaved so caringly towards her before.

  ‘I’ll be OK in a minute,’ she murmured, a funny kind of tingling awareness making her stomach churn. Her body seemed to be throbbing in places she hadn’t been conscious of before. Her stomach muscles felt as though they’d gone into spasm and there was a heavy feeling between her thighs, a throbbing ache that made her shift uncomfortably as she tried to ease it.

  Her head reeled because desire had only ever existed for her before within the pages of a textbook. She’d read about the physical symptoms and understood the mechanics of what was happening but had never experienced them for herself before. If she was honest, she had doubted if the textbooks had been right but now she knew they had been, now when Matt held her like this.

  Her eyes were misty with shock when she looked up at him. ‘I don’t know what’s happening to me any more. Everything’s such a muddle.’

  ‘I know.’ He took her back into his arms and held her tightly as he dropped a feather-light kiss on her lips. ‘It’s like that for me, too. My head whirls, my body aches and it’s all because of you and the effect you have on me, my love.’

  ‘My love,’ she repeated, wonderingly.

  ‘Yes. My…love…’ He interspersed the words with kisses as soft as down, as sweet as honey, and she let out her breath on a tiny sigh. He drew back to look at her and his eyes were very serious all of a sudden. ‘We have to do something about this, Catherine. We can’t go on this way, can we? We have to accept what’s happening and make a decision about what we both want.’

  ‘Do we?’ She could hear the panic in her voice, feel her heart beating in short jerky bursts because making a decision like that seemed far too difficult.

  ‘Yes, we do.’ He kissed her again just as gently but with aching tenderness, and her panic was overtaken by another emotion. When he set her away from him she would have clung to him if he hadn’t taken hold of her hands and held them in his.

  ‘We need to talk this all through but this is neither the time nor the place. Surgery is about to start and we don’t want to rush into making a decision we might come to regret. That’s why I want you to go home, Catherine.’

  ‘Home? But I can’t do that when we have patients arriving to be seen!’ she protested.

  ‘Yes, you can. I’ll see all the patients tonight. We’re not that busy for a change so I’ll fit them in somehow. But you’re really not in the right frame of mind to deal with other people’s problems tonight, are you?’

  ‘No,’ she admitted slowly. ‘I’m not, but are you sure you can manage, Matt?’

  ‘Quite sure. You go home and I’ll come round to your flat after surgery finishes.’ He steered her towards the door but she hung back.

  ‘But what about the children? Who’ll mind them?’

  ‘I’ll work something out so don’t worry about it.’ He stopped and dropped a kiss on the tip of her nose then opened the door. ‘Everything will be fine, Catherine. I promise you. Now, off you go.’

  She reached up and kissed him quickly on the lips. ‘I hope so, Matt. I really do.’

  Neither of them said anything else as they made their way along the corridor. Margaret was obviously agog to know what was going on but Matt simply told her that Catherine was going home and he would be seeing all the patients that evening. Catherine left the surgery and got into her car. Maybe she should have felt guilty about leaving work so early but she knew Matt had been right to send her home. She really couldn’t concentrate on other people’s problems when she had to resolve her own.

  Her hands gripped the steering-wheel so hard that they ached because there was no guarantee that she and Matt would be able to work this out to both their satisfaction. She knew that Matt might want things from her that she couldn’t give him. Just because she thought she loved him, it didn’t mean the way was clear for them to find everlasting happiness. She couldn’t just ignore her fears when they had affected the whole of her life.

  She bit her lip as panic rose inside her again. Could loving Matt really be enough to compensate for having to give up all her dreams? Maybe—if their feelings for each other lasted and there was no guarantee they would. If she decided to follow her heart then it would be a massive leap of faith, but did she have the courage to make it? Could she really imagine letting herself rely on anyone that completely?

  Her heart raced because she couldn’t answer either question. She would just have to wait and see.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CATHERINE decided to call at the delicatessen on her way home. She wasn’t sure what time Matt planned on getting to her flat but she doubted if he would stop to have somethin
g to eat beforehand. She bought a cooked chicken, a bag of ready-prepared salad—complete with a small sachet of dressing—a loaf of sun-dried tomato bread and then added an expensive bottle of white wine as an afterthought. Matt might not be able to drink it if he was driving, of course, but he would enjoy a glass if he stayed the night.

  Her heart almost leapt right out of her chest at that thought. She was all fingers and thumbs as she paid for the shopping and packed it into a carrier bag. She got back into her car and drove home, trying to calm herself down, but it was impossible. Would Matt want to stay the night with her? Would she let him?

  She groaned. Why couldn’t she make a decision any more? She’d spent the whole of her adult life making choices—what career to choose, where to go to university, where to live—and not once had she experienced the kind of difficulty she seemed to be encountering of late. It just seemed to prove how dangerous it would be to get any more deeply involved than she already was. She’d been content with her life before she’d met Matt and now she had no idea how she felt about anything any longer!

  By the time the doorbell rang at a little after seven, Catherine had worked herself up into such a state that she felt physically sick. She ran a smoothing hand over her hair then made herself take a deep breath before she opened the door. Matt gave her a crooked smile.

  ‘Hi! How are you?’

  ‘Fine,’ she began, then heaved a sigh. ‘A mass of nerves if you want the truthful answer.’

  ‘Me, too.’ He stepped inside the hall and gathered her into his arms, pressing his cold cheek to hers as he hugged her close. ‘I feel like a kid on his first date—only worse, if you know what I mean. My stomach is churning and my pulse is going crazy. I feel so bad, in fact, that I could very easily pass out, and the idea terrifies the life out of me.’

  He drew back and looked at her, his eyes glinting with wry self-mockery. ‘I mean, what woman in her right mind would be won over by a guy who collapses at her feet because he’s such a wimp he can’t handle the pressure?’